Don't Want To Let You Down (CLOSED)

The deputy looked at the camp with darkened green eyes. After the fight... all he could remember was Vixenstep look after he talked to Leafstorm. She seemed... so disappointed in him, of how he acted. For Jaystream, his former apprentice was like the daughter he never had and he couldn't stand the fact that she might hate him too. That's why... he decided they needed to talk.

The grey tabby tom walked to the nest where Vixenstep were resting and he touched her gently with one paw so she would notice he was there. "Vixenstep... I... I need to talk with you. Can we meet outside, please?" He whispered with a sad look on his green eyes.

Vixenstep wasn't asleep. Not really. The past day's events ensured that sleep would become a distant memory. She was tired, but too scared of the nightmares to sleep. That's how she knew Jaystream was approaching before he 'woke her up'. Uncurling, she looked at him with a blank, unreadable expression and nodded slightly. Jaystream was also another factor to her insomnia. His actions during the war against ThunderClan seemed so... out of character. Vixenstep knew her former mentor as a kind, helpful cat who would never hurt another cat out of sheer spite. Yet during the war he seemed cold, blank. Just... out of character.

The warrior nodded and left the warrior with his former apprentice. The night appeared upon his heads with stars glimmering in the cloudy sky. Jaystream looked at the young warrior from the corner of his eyes, wondering what was happening inside her mind. Would he hate him? Was she scared of him because of how he acted? He couldn't find a straight answer and his anxiety only grew inside his heart.

Finally, he sat down in one of the edges of the camp and he sat down there, looking at the she-cat. He wrapped his tail around his paws and looked away immediately, embarrassed and ashamed. What was he going to do anyway if she already despised him? The deputy took a deep breath, trying to silence those thoughts. "Vixenstep... I'm sorry for taking you out during your sleep but... I noticed how you looked at me when the battle was over." He closed his eyes, taking a brief pause before continuing. "I know that what I said wasn't... good. And I doubt you can understand why I did it. Don't misunderstand me. I'm not proud or happy about this battle and only think that it had to be done. I just wanted... to explain why that happened, even if you hate me now for not being the cat you thought I was..."

Vixenstep listened to Jaystream, noticing how nervous he looked. At his first sentence, Vixenstep shook her head. "No, it's fine. I... I wasn't asleep." When Jaystream finished, she looked at him with widened eyes and a taken aback expression. "J-jaystream! You've got it all wrong... I-i don't hate you at all. I just..." she trailed off, unable to find words that would accurately convey her thoughts about the war. It was all a big mess in her mind. All she knew is that they had won. That's all she needed to know. She refused to remember any other events.

But try as she might, Vixenstep couldn't forget what Jaystream had said. It had caught her off guard, but now Jaystream was going to explain... and she might be able to make something of the confusing muddle of events recorded in her mind. "I don't hate you. I don't think there's any force in StarClan that could make me hate you. Please... please continue, Jaystream." Jaystream was like a father to her, and she would at least try to understand his thought process when he said those things to Leafstorm.

The tom turned his gaze to her, his eyes widened up when she told him that she would never hate him. A glimpse of hope and happiness crossed his heart but it faded away quickly when he decided it was time to tell her about the reasons for his way of acting. "When I was an apprentice, I lost my brother very soon, as well as my mentor. My mother, Ivyfall at that time, wasn't there for me so I had no friends. I grew lonely and trained by myself for moons... until I met Cinderpaw. She was as broken as I was, maybe even more, but we found support in each other. She became my best friend and we were happy. Until we encountered Leaftstorm in the gorge..." Every time he talked about that, the image of the calico she-cat unconscious came to his mind like a horrible nightmare but he had to continue... Vixenstep deserved to know.

He curled his tail even tighter around his body and glanced at his own paws while he continued with a sad and nostalgic voice."We fought over a piece of prey that I caught in our territory and he and other two apprentices attacked Cinderpaw so badly that she didn't wake up for moons. I got my warrior name, my first apprentice but... every day was a struggle. The desperation of losing Cinderpaw in any moment consumed my energy, my strength and happiness. Before the battle, I always blamed myself for not saving her in time. For not being strong enough. That's why I was also so nervous and unsure about being the deputy. I felt pressure over me... the pressure of being as strong and mighty as my mother."

However, when I fought against Leopardclaw and he asked me if I was a father, the truth was revealed in front of my eyes: it wasn't my fault. If it weren't for Thunderclan, Cinderpaw would be a warrior... she wouldn't blame herself for not being with her mentor, Sparkwillow, when she died and we would be mates. They were the ones that took that from me... They took away my only friend and love." He glanced once again at the warrior in front of her. There was no anger or hate in his eyes, but it was obvious that when he talked about Thunderclan he wasn't happy at all. "And then, they attacked us, risking the lives of my clanmates, my home. The idea of losing anyone that I cared for... you, my apprentices, my mother or my half-siblings was so powerful that I had to become someone that I didn't want to be: a merciless and angered fighter. Everything I did and say was because of the one I loved and my clan. I-I... never wanted to hurt anyone." His voice cracked as he closed his eyes, trying to contain a cry. What had he become? All this fight's madness transformed him... in everything he once hated.

Vixenstep stared, wide-eyed, at her former mentor. Several times, her jaws opened to speak, but closed again swiftly as she was unable to think of an appropriate reply. Closing her eyes, she tried to think. Cinderpaw... Jaystream had never mentioned her before. Of course, that was understandable. Her death must have been so traumatising for Jaystream, who clearly loved her very much. Her green eyes opened slowly and she looked up at the grey tabby before her. It alarmed her to see that he was close to tears. Quietly, she moved to his side and pressed against it comfortingly.
"Jaystream... please don't... Please don't cry. I-I don't know what it must have been like, losing someone so dear to you... But I... think I understand. Look, I don't hate you. I never have, and I never will. It was just so confusing, seeing you act the way you did. Thank you for telling me all of this, it... It really helped sort everything out in my mind."