The Dawn [Closed]

Guilt, sorrow, despair, rage.. Pain. Everything was a blur as a lone warrior stirred awake in the corner of the medicine cat den. It was a slow process until two blue eyes flickered open against the harsh light that filtered in from the entrance...But only one eye reacted to the unwelcoming light as the other was lined with four nasty scars that was hidden beneath cobwebs and herbs...Blinded. Lionspark moaned as she shifted in the nest, noting dimly that her entire body ached but it was her throat and eye that sent stabbing pain throughout her body. Her good eye narrowed as her brow furrowed, struggling to remember why she was here once she gathered what den she was in. She raked her mind for answers, trying to put together the foggy pieces that drifted about.

Suddenly her breath caught in her throat as felt a sickening taste rise in the back of her throat as she remembered it all. “No..” she croaked out, wincing as her throat sent an agonizing wave of pain through her at the simple act of speaking. She struggled to raise her paw to her throat, feeling the same cobwebs and herbs that covered her eye closing up the almost fatal wound. Slowly her gaze drifted down to her paw as she unsheathed her claws with a look of horror. What...What had she done? All the feelings that had overwhelmed her after her actions came flooding back as she fought down the rising bile. She had killed him. She had killed Bramblefrost…She slowly lowered her head, covering her good eye with her paw as she shook silently. In the flood of emotions - rage over his betrayal, confusion on what had gone wrong in her life, guilt that she had been so blind to his actions...One feeling stood out.

Grief.
Grief that she had killed the tom that she had truly loved.

Specklefang found movement uncomfortable, her shoulders aching and some-what dry mud caked her fur, clotting it. Though despite the discomfort, she was fine, her mother on the other paw... she was blinded though she had finally realized the truth. Roughly inhaling, Specklefang grasped a dove from the fresh-kill pile, her mothers favourite. Shutting her eyes tightly she grasped a fleeting moment to settle the rising anger in her chest, it was her mother's fault for not listening to her, for putting aside the abuse like it was nothing- but now was not the time for it. Lionspark had almost died at her father's paws...

Shaking her head as if she could toss away her thoughts she turned away from the pile and her paws lead her to the medicine cats den, where her mother lay. Specklefang wondered if she was awake, realizing the events that had happened the evening before. Specklefang's gut wrenched as she realized that her mother would have woken up alone, thinking her daughter had disowned her, knowing that she had killed the cat she loved... Swallowing back her saliva she padded into the den, a purr coming from her throat in greeting as she laid eyes on her obviously awake mother and gently placing the dove in front of her paws. She wished that she could have slept by her mother's side that night, it would have been nice for her to wake up with her daughter by her side.

But she had been busy, dragging her unconscious mother's body to the medicine cat, spitting some tale about a fox that she and her parents had chased off and that she'd be right back to help Bramblefrost track it to make sure it had left. Coming to her father's dead body and staring at it for a good long while, cursing at it in silence or out loud she didn't know. Her father that never loved her was dead, her father that never loved her mother. She had grabbed his body and disposed of it, taking it outside of Thunderclan territory and beyond to neutral territory and leaving it for the foxes. That rat didn't deserve anything good.

Taking a deep breath as she cleared her mind once more, not a word said as she looked down at her mother. Padding around she moved so she could envelop her mother with her body and large form, her warm yet muddy fur covering her back. Resting her dirtied muzzle into her mother's scruff and nuzzling it. Specklefang was slow with Lionspark as she lapped at her neck fur and ears, rubbing her cheek against hers every once in a while. A soft, deep and rumbling purr coming from her throat as she tried to soothe her. "I'm sorry, mom. I'm sorry for what happened, and what you had to go through, what you had to experience." Specklefang muttered softly, resting her head on her mother's shoulders.

Lionspark grew ridge at the sound of pawsteps, her ears perking for a few moments as a familiar scent wafted into the den and caused her stomach to twist. She didn't lift up her gaze until a dove landed at her paws, blinking her good eye as she stared at the piece of fresh-kill as Specklefang took her place next to her. She opened her mouth, taking in a painful breath to say something but was cut off as her daughter started to lick and care for her. She closed her mouth as she blinked once more, her tail twitching as she steadied herself. She...She wasn't sure on what to say or to even think. Everything was a blur and she was left confused - did the Clan know of her actions? Certainly they knew that Bramblefrost was dead if she had been brought into the camp but would they have tended to her wounds if they had known that she had killed him? Her eyes shifted back and forth as her mind raced, taking note of her daughter's...Fond behavior.

She...She must have known what had transpired if she was willing to be so...

Lionspark's ears fell back on her head as memories flooded into her mind, reaching out with one of her paws and pushing the dove away despite her rumbling stomach. Her whole body flared with pain as she did her best to wiggle away from her daughter's side as she turned her good eye onto her with a cold stare. "W-What makes you think I want your apology?" she growled, her voice rough and flickering with effort and pain as her throat rebelled against every word. She couldn't believe this. Did her daughter truly think that she could come crawling back now that Bramblefrost was dead? That a simple apology would make up for those venomous words? Specklefang had been right about every terrible thing about Bramblefrost...And every terrible thing about her. Her good eye was narrowed as her tail twitched in anger, her ears flat on her head as she barely restrained herself from snarling. Bramblefrost had been right as well...Lionspark had allowed Specklefang to get away with far too much but not this.

Confusion made Specklefang's face scrunch as Lionspark pushed away the dove - her favorite - and her body tensed as she slipped away from her. Specklefang's jaw flapped just a little bit as she processed her mother's aggression. What was she doing? Didn't she see that she was trying to help? That she was trying to make everything right. Though it concerned her, Lionspark had never been angry with her before... "Mom? I know you're hurting, but there's no need to do... this! C'mon, I heard your stomach growl, you must be starving." Specklefang struggled for words, her tail twitching with discomfort at the present situation.

Specklefang lent forwards to pull the dove back towards her mother with a nudge, deciding to try to brush off her mother's aggression, believing that it would just pass. After all, her mother never stayed angry with her! Specklefang's brows furrowed as she softly smiled, trying to twine her tail with hers. She wanted to say that she was saying sorry but she wasn't going to forgive her mother for what she said, but was that really the time right now? Specklefang was trying to help, not harm and if she said that then that'd be the exact opposite of what she wanted.

Lionspark's gaze shifted away as she stared at the dove as Specklefang pulled it back to her, her brow furrowing as her shoulders grew ridge. "Hurting?" she finally echoed after a while, having not reacted to Specklefang once again trying to comfort her. "I'm not just hurting Specklefang, I-I...I killed him! I-" she was cut off, curling on herself as she let out a ragged cough as her throat throbbed with pain with every spoken word. Once she had gathered herself, she raised her gaze back to her daughter with narrowed eyes. "...Do you think I forgot what you told me last time we talked? You wanted nothing to do with me..." Those words echoed in her head as her tail lashed across the nest. Did Specklefang just expect that she was just going to disregard that all? But then her expression shifted, the anger sliding into faint despair as one thing echoed in her head over and over. That Specklefang was completely right - that she was better off without Lionspark in her life.

"No... I don't expect you to forgive me, and I'm not ready to forgive you. But I'm not going to leave you alone, not after what happened. Cats may view me as a horrible cat with no heart but I've got one, and I'm giving it to you. You're my mother, and I love you. I know what I said was awful and I shouldn't have said it, but you just brushed off the abuse like it was nothing to you- I was- am still struggling with what Bramblefrost had done and you weren't- aren't there for me." Specklefang sputtered, looking away dejectedly as she looked down at her paws.

"You still love him, don't you? After all... he had done to you." Specklefang's paws pressed into the ground, disturbing moss as her eyes gave a far-away cast-a-way look. Specklefang wanted to know if her mother really did love him, everything seemed to be flaring from her anxious desire for her answer, her throat was tight like there was a ball in it. Her heart dropped to her belly where butterflies squirmed, her blood rushed and it was all very much for the young she-cat.

"...Doesn't change that you said it," Lionspark rasped softly as her focused her one good eye on the back of the den - refusing to look at her daughter. "And it doesn't change that you were right. What good am I, Specklefang? Yo-You..." She bent her head as she coughed, raising her paw to her bandaged throat but was relieved to see no blood as she pulled the paw away. "I'm a coward. I didn't want to lose the only tom that I felt truly loved me. No-Nobody had shown me affection like him and...I did...I do love him. Or at least - what I thought he was." There was a long moment of silence as she raised her head. Her tail curled at her side as she shivered with a mixture of pain but also the emotions that were flooding through her system. "You and him...Are a lot alike. Both broke my heart but...Ah..." She let out another cough as she turned her good eye to her daughter. "At least Bramblefrost didn't lie that I was everything to him before he did it."

There was a long moment of silence before she gave a soft shake of her head, breaking her gaze with Specklefang to stare at the dove at her paws. "You were both right about me - I'm good for nothing. I'm a terrible mother, I'm..." An almost chuckle escaped from her but it was a shadow...It was a broken, sad laugh. "I'm a murderer. I killed him, Specklefang. I-I might not have been the cause of death of Sandblaze..." A pause. A swallow. "O-Or Poppypaw...But he died at my teeth. Its all so clear in my memory...H-he struck the first blow but I...I'm the one that started that fight. I was so angry at him...So bitter..." She sucked in a deep breath only to let out another ragged cough at the spark of pain. She blinked her good eye slowly, raising a paw to her other eye - her blind eye. Silence once more until... "I told you once Specklefang and I'll tell you again - you are better off without me in your life. Y-You were so eager to discard me once...Why not make it easier for the both of us and just stay away like you promised?" There was a bitterness to her tone but also a sadness...A soft sigh that signaled that she truly believed that Specklefang was better off without her anywhere in her life.

"All I'm hearing from your mouth right now is that you don't think I love you? Am I worth nothing?" Specklefang shot to her paws with a screech, her claws unsheathing as her teeth gritted in her anger and frustration. "All I'm hearing from your mouth is undeserved self-pity and your unrequited love! You're seeking out pity, you want to be coddled and put on a pedestal embellishing your elegance and eloquence!" Specklefang's teeth bared as she glowered at her mother, batting away her dove. "If you want self-pity, you'll get it. If you think yourself so undeserving you might as well starve yourself! Stop drinking and don't even get up to make dirt!" Specklefang roared, her normally warm green eyes and her own blind eye growing cold and hard.

"Do you want me to finish you off? Do you want me to cut your time here short? I'll do it if it pleases you mother." Specklefang's jaws snapped shut as she swallowed, her hackles rising now as she continued her tirade. "You fail to see how you and Bramblefrost are tearing the small family we have apart. What I see is a family in ruin, a failure... disgusting rat of a daughter. A mother who can barely stand on her own paws, a father that never cared for either of them. A mother who lost almost her whole litter to raise a daughter that disappoints the father, a daughter to be so ungrateful- A mother who doesn't care, apparently." Specklefang spat, turning on her paws as she turned to look at the den entrance, contemplating leaving.

"None of you are stopping to wonder how I feel. But I understand now. I'm not trying to make this about myself. But you wouldn't care anyway, you're probably turning my words to white noise. I'll leave you to rot if you don't have some semblance of love and adoration for your daughter. We never slept in the same nest in moons, we never shared tongues in moons, we never patroled together in moons, nothing. So. I'll give you two choices, Do you love your daughter? Or do you love yourself and Bramblefrost?" Specklefang growled, looking at the dirt in front of her completely still and silent, the only thing one could hear was her heavy breathing, the catch of her breath as she struggled not to cry or reveal any sort of grief.

Lionspark ears flickered back but she raised her gaze to her daughter, her single eye unwavering as her daughter spat venomous words at her once more. Her expression shifted slightly, a sadness flickering on her face as she simply blinked. Without a word, she waited for her daughter's anger to die down before she gave her head a shake despite the fact that Specklefang could no longer see it. "I think you do love me Specklefang...And that is the danger." she meowed in a soft, sad tone. Her eyes furrowed as she lowered her gaze to her paws. "I realized what I was doing to this family far too late and was blinded for it. That I was a failure at everything I wanted to be...Do you know how tempting it was to just let Bramblefrost kill me? I thought about...I-I questioned what was good in my life and found little reasons to carry on. I-I'm..." Her muscles bunched up as she closed her eyes, feeling tears pricking at the corner of her vision.

"I'm so lost Specklefang. I don't know what I want. I-I want to die half the time. Because what good am I? The two cats that I thought loved me turned their backs on me because I don't know what to do!" Her voice suddenly raised in volume as she slammed her paws onto the ground, bending her head as tears started to run down her face. "I want to die but I want to also prove to myself that I am worth it! That I am worth...Living. Caring about..." Her voice cracked as she felt something rise in her throat. "I just don't know what to do with myself. I love you Specklefang because I believe that you can be so much better than the mess I am. I just...It just feels to easy to want to push you away so I can wallow. Suffer on my lonesome so that you can go on without worrying about m-" Her voice suddenly died as pain washed over her. Her shoulders squared as she let out a hacking cough as her whole body jolted...And she opened her eyes to see crimson on the moss between her paws. She paused, hesitating at the sickening taste of blood in her mouth before she sighed softly and continued to speak.

"I-I love you, I thought I loved Br-Bramblefrost...But I know for certain that I don't lo-love myself. I know you don't approve of how I think about this whole thing but...I can't help it. I also know...I killed Bramblefrost to save myself for a reason. I don't think I want to die right now."

"...At least not yet."

Specklefang shut her eyes tightly, taking in a deep and calming breath. Feelings of grief and self-doubt shrouding her. Specklefang couldn't help her mother, nothing she could do or say would bring her mother from this endlessly spiraling cycle of depression. She needed help... Specklefangs gut clenched at the thought, she wasn't used to- she never asked any cat for help. But if she didn't, her mother could die, and even if she never cared for her father, she was crushed, knowing that he'd never love her. The one cat in the world that was her father, gone. She was never going to get another one, no matter how hard she tried to replace him.

She only had one mother in the world, and she was saying awful things, frighting things that made Specklefang want to run and hide. Maybe Blizzardstar... they had gotten on the wrong paw but-? Specklefang shook her head softly, giving a defeated sigh as she looked at her mother. "Mother, I can't help you. I love you. Seeing you like this is tearing me apart and I don't know what to do. I want you to get better, to stop thinking that you're not worth it- That I don't love you- That you're just a waste of space and time- If you don't want me around, then fine. I'm not going to try anymore if you don't want my help. You have to promise though- if another cat tries to help you, then you let them help you." Specklefang meowed, her voice cold and hard though not unwelcoming.

Specklefang had lost a battle she had wanted to win so badly. She was going to lose her mother, but if she accepted her proposal, then perhaps it all wouldn't be for naught. She just hoped that Blizzardstar would bring her mom back, to bring her from the depths of whatever she was dealing with.

Lionspark raised her gaze slowly up to Specklefang as the she-cat started to speak, curling her tail around her side as she laid there in silence. ...That was both the issue, wasn't it? Neither of them knew what to do. The warrior felt conflicted in almost every inch of her being. She wanted to be angry, she wanted to be upset, she wanted to give up...She wanted to live. For a second she opened her mouth, perhaps ready to admit the one thing that tore her up the most about what she had done - that she had killed Bramblefrost in cold blood. She had known what she was doing, it hadn't been life or death but...No, she closed her mouth as she turned her gaze back to her paws as she soaked in Specklefang's words. "...I can try," she numbly whispered once her daughter had finished. She found herself with doubts whoever - would any cat truly offer her help? And if they did...Would it come from their heart of truly helping her or would they be doing it simply because they felt like it was their duty? But... "...Yeah, I think I can try...That I can promise that," she sighed softly. If it would sooth Specklefang, then she could try. And maybe...Maybe it would help her in the end.