A little chat (Closed for Jay Bird)

Cinderpaw didn't dare to even glance towards him, she knew she was hurting him and it killed her inside to do it. But she was hurting too, really Jaystream was her first friend. Her best friend..her crush. It felt like he didn't like her that way, that he just wanted to be friends. Her other friend died on her while she was sleeping away, she wasn't there to protect her. It still broke her inside that she couldn't be there for Sparkwillow. She could still see Flowerpetal's dead body in her mind, the frozen mist and that she couldn't do anything. And now she feels that after all they have been through that Jaystream doesn't like her. Is she being selfish? She might be.

Her ears flicked as she heard him speak tears started coming to her eyes as she silently cried. "There's nothing you can do now. I'm sorry for hurting you, I'm sorry for not being there for Sparkwillow, and I'm sorry for not helping save Flowerpetal. Just.." She took a shaky breath at the mention of Flowerpetal, it seems everyone that gets near her ends up hurting somehow. Except for Echopaw..he will properly be next. Shaking her head she tried to calm down but nothing would work. "Leave me alone.." She padded out of the water and started walking off not even bothering to shake out her pelt tears were coming down her cheeks but the water hide that fact.

Jaystream looked at his own paws, embarrassed and shaking as the calico she-cat started leaving the place only saying those last words. Leave me alone... Why was she pushing him away from her side? He thought they were friends but now... maybe he misunderstood all from the start. Maybe she never considered him as a friend like he did and that was painful.

Tears started to appear on his green eyes while he stayed in his place without saying a word, drowning in his feelings: sadness, frustration, anger... All of that was pushing the warrior deep into a bottomless pit that he couldn't escape, or at least that was he felt. He couldn't stand the idea of being alone, of being abandoned again by the cats he loved with all his heart. The tom always tried to do his best and yet, he didn't do anything for Hailkit or Softpaw. They were both gone because he didn't do anything...

"No..." He meowed with a quiet voice that only could be heard by himself. Digging the toes of his paws in the dirt, the warrior stood up and ran to the front of the she-cat, stopping her before she could disappear. His eyes were full of tears, as well as hers, but he frowned and showed a surprising determination that almost hid his broken heart. "I won't. For me,
you're the cat that is closest to me in every single way and, even if you don't feel the same as I, I won't leave you alone because I care about your happiness and I can see that you're not happy at all by leaving me here alone. I don't care if you don't want to be with me or if you don't want to be my friend. I wanna help you in all this mess... because I want to share it with you and learn together about all this tragedy around us. There is no blame on you for what happened to Sparkwillow or Flowerpetal, and if you want to be a good mother to this kit, then you should start loving yourself with all your flaws and your virtues. Because... you're a wonderful she-cat that still can't see that. But I will wait for that day by your side." Jaystream words flooded from his mouth without a trace of doubt or hesitation, because that was he believed and he wouldn't let anybody leave his side again because he did nothing to change that.

OOC: holy crap that's a lot XD

Cinderpaw really didn't want to do this but maybe its for the better maybe it would be good on both of them if Jaystream doesn't want to be her mate. As she started walking she noticed her body was trembling through her tears. It felt like she was drowning in the darkness all over again except this time this is real not some dream. She really loved him with all her heart but maybe that was the problem. And well she didn't want to see her hurt any more then he was already emotionally and physically. He already has plenty of scars from protecting her she knew even if he won't say. Maybe they need to not talk for a long time. It was a bad idea to ask him to help care for Echokit. Really it was a bad idea to even say she would raise him. Now she would just get him hurt like everyone else she got close to.

She lost her best friend, she lost her parents, and she lost a fine warrior. She has lost everyone she held dear and she didn't want Jaystream to go through that. She didn't want anybody to. When Jaystream ran in front of her she took a few steps back her eyes wide thinking it was something else. It took her a bit to realize it was him before blinking at his words. She shrieked away from him it looked like she wanted to fold into herself. Then she looked away from him, "Do you love me or not? But of course you don't how can you love a she that even her parents didn't want after all? Nah your being a friend. I don't want to hurt you like I did everyone else. Sparkwillow left me, my parents left me, Flowerpetal left me, do you not see a pattern here? I don't want you to leave me or Echokit. And yes you are the closet cat to me but maybe you are too close. Maybe I should leave the clans..." She spoke that last part very quietly. She didn't want to leave the only place that she called home but maybe it was for the greater good. She didn't want to look at Jaystream's reaction as she looked to the ground tears still came down her cheeks and her body started shivering more.

The gray tabby tom stepped back, surprised by her words. He felt his body going numb as his heart started racing as fast as it could. His eyes also gazed away from her face, looking at the reeds with a thoughtful and frustrated expression. He didn't want her to leave him... even if he was being greedy about that all, he couldn't avoid what he was feeling. And yet, that was he was doing all this time. He never tried to give a name to what he felt around Cinderpaw and confused that desperation for being a guardian toward her with a friendship. But now that he grew up... now that he met more cats... now that Cinderpaw was asking him directly was she meant, the warrior finally opened his eyes and stopped pretending that he didn't know what he saw in the she-cat. Maybe he didn't want to say it because of his inner insecurities or maybe because he thought that they would never be like that. The tomcat always imagined himself being alone in the clan, without another family than his mother, who wasn't so close to him neither. However... that future seemed to be changed in front of the green eyes of the cat, where a calico she-cat was standing.

Letting go his fears and broken heart, the warrior breathed deeply and walked toward the apprentice. He was still shaking because he didn't know what would happen after what he was about to say but he didn't want to hide or pretend to be someone that he wasn't to be. Cinderpaw deserved to know what he thought about her... without any barrier or lies around what was the truth. "You say you don't want to hurt me or Echokit but... you don't understand that it will be more painful for us if you leave us alone? You perfectly know how that feels that someone you care about just... disappear from your life. I also know that feeling and the truth is... that it is going to be more painful for me if you go." As he spoke, Jaystream moved with slow steps, approaching the little body of the calico she-cat. He knew that, just like him, she was crying and now he could understand why he felt so connected to what she felt. "You know why? Because I wanna protect from the evil of this world that could harm you, I wanna be with you each day of my life, I wanna see all your faces and I wanna cherish you in my heart forever. I like you because of who you are and nothing more. If that is what others call love, then the answer to your question is yes. I love you, Cinderpaw and I can't stand the fact that you might even think about... leaving me. I know it can sounds selfish and... I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable about that..." His face was clearly blushing by his last words as he started to get even more nervous so he stopped talking. He then decided to keep his mouth shut and touched her forehead with his, leaning his body closer to her. "I won't run again from the truth and I don't have any other reasons to like but just you, Cinder. Please... don't leave me because I can't leave you and I won't. I promise."

Cinderpaw could tell she was hurting her friend but maybe this was for the better..She kept her eyes to the ground not daring herself to see his hurt expression. She saw her tears come off her cheeks and hit the ground. It seems like everyone that gets near her ends up dead, she can't do that to Jaystream or Echokit. No matter how much she loved Riverclan she doesn't want to see her friends bodies..her family's bodies..she started shaking as the silence continued. While she spent that time in the darkness she has grown, she knew she had to tell Jaystream how she felt before it was too late again. She has grown more into a warrior and she has realized it during her short time awake, it has made her see things in a way only warriors can. She suppose it was her determination that got her out of the darkness and now it has become a part of her. This has made her see that maybe she should leave everything behind so the ones closer to her can live on.

Her body shook more as she heard him take a step closer to her she still didn't look at him. At the start of his words she gasped, this is what her parents did to her...Echokit would go through the same pain she felt..Jaystream would go though it all..she can't do that to them. She shook more as more tears came down she gasped just thinking of the pain of her kithood again. She didn't even hear him as he took the steps closer to her, she just wanted the pain of everything to stop. At his words though her eyes grew wide, is he saying...what she thinks he's saying? She gasped as he finally said those words, I love you, she looked up to him with tears in her eyes. He finally said it..she cried more buring her head in his fur. "I...I don't want to see you two died cause of me...Spark died and I wasn't even there to help her..Flower died cause I froze and didn't react enough..I don't want to see you two died..I..it seems like anyone that gets close to me ends up dead..or leaves me..I..." She shook more as she fell silent crying more into his shoulder.

The large warrior embraced the she-cat, sitting and curling his tail around her little and shaking body. He could felt her tears over his fur and how she cried after the last words she said. He let her stay like that because he knew that she needed him more than anyone right now and he wanted to be with her now he had said his true feelings and accepted them as well. "Shh... it's okay... I'm here with you, right? I'm not going to die and I'm not going anywhere, my dear. You can trust in my words, Cinder ... No one died because of you so don't blame yourself for everything. It's all right to grieve the death of the loved ones but you must understand that they don't blame you at all for what happened. They love you and watch from Starclan each day and I'm sure that they want you to go on, stand up again and keep fighting to find your happiness because that is what I would if I were they. Cinderpaw... I don't know if you love in the same way I do since you haven't said anything about that but I'll tell you that, if you accept me and share my feelings, I promise that I'll spend each breath and day of my life to make you happy, to make you laugh again, even if it hurts. I will protect you and will be there for you because that's the only thing that matters to me... You'll not cause my death and I will not leave you ever because I love you." Purring those words with a sweet and caring voice, the tom separated her head from his shoulder a bit, so he could see her face. Her amber eyes were covered in tears and she looked so exhausted because of everything but the tom only saw beauty in the calico she-cat. He softly licked her head, like the queens did to their kittens and then he leaned his face closer to hers, blushing, so she couldn't escape his gaze this time. Jaystream wanted to see her while she answered him so he could if her words were speaking the truth of what she felt.

"I won't ask you to forget or leave behind your pain about the death of Sparkwillow and Flowerpetal. I understand that you're suffering. But at least... let me help you and be with you if you feel the same for me, Cinder." He said putting his paws over hers again. If she pushed him away, then he would know that she didn't want him the same way he did and he would stop insisting but if she didn't...

The small calico could not stop crying as he spoke, her heart hurt out of pain and joy. It was such a mixed pain she couldn't tell which was which anymore. She kept quiet as he looked at her face, no don't look at me I'm..horrible..she wanted to say. When he licked her head she stood there frozen, that's what queens do to their kits right? She has seen them do it plenty of times but never has any of them did it to her. She cried harder at this, that sensation that other kits experience at a daily basis and she has never experienced that until now. Her wide crying amber eyes looked into his soft green eyes as he spoke again. She smiled a bit, "You..impecal..of course I love you..I always have..I just wasn't sure..if you loved me back..that's why I'm saying this..I..don't want you hurt..or Echokit hurt..but you are right..I don't want him to experience the pain of my kithood...I..I..don't know what to do..I should have been there to help..Sparkwillow..I should have done something to help..Flowerpetal..but I didn't..jay..I just...feel like I can't do anything right..I should have done something..." She took a shaky breath then looked back to him. "I've always loved you Jay..Its just..shouldn't you go find some other she that's not a mess like this? There's plenty of she's that will love you..trust me..They won't be weak and fragile like me..Who's parents didn't even love her..Your the deputy's son everyone loves you already..." She gave him a small smile, she get all the stuff he is saying but why her? Why not some other she that is so much better then her. Maybe he's getting his emotions confused. She just couldn't believe he actually is saying this..

The young warrior listened to the cat he loved trying to understand her words and he did. He knew the pain, the frustration and the fear of not being able to protect someone he cared. It happened with his brother... with Softpaw and with... Cinderpaw when she was in that painful coma. It was horrible for him to see her each day sleeping like she was dead and he couldn't do a thing for her. However... he moved on because of her. Cinderpaw was his hope to be alive each day of his life in the clan that was his home because he loved her and the tom couldn't see that until now.

His heart raced when he heard the words "I love you" coming out of her mouth. He was about to smile but then, again, she tried to push him away giving him reasons to not be with her. Taking a deep breath, the warrior closed his eyes, standing up to walk a bit closer to the river, thoughtful. "Do you remember... the day we met, Cinderpaw?" He asked, looking at the river remembering that morning like it was yesterday. He could see the reflection of a younger face of himself and the younger calico she-cat's face as well. "I do... In fact, I remember each day and moment we spend together before what happened to you in the Gorge and... during all this time... I realise that you're the only one who listened to me when I told you about my problem with my mother and give me advice because you can understand me better than anyone in the clan. I can't get you out of my mind and heart, Cinderpaw, since that day and I don't care about other she-cats that could be interested in me because of being the son of the deputy. I don't love them at all like I love you because you're the only one that can see through my soul and accept as what I am, no matter my insecurities and shyness."


Jaystream tuner his whole body back to her, so he could see her again. He wasn't sad anymore or hurt but tears were filling his green eyes as he smiled, sincerely. "I don't need to search reasons to want you, my dear, so you don't have to be scared you're not enough because there's no logical reason to love you. I just do and, for me, that's enough to choose you as the she-cat who I want to spend my whole life with her. No matter the tragedies that happened around you... no matter the difficulties we will have to fight... no matter our fears and doubts... I wanna be with you." The gray tabby cat stayed this time, in his place, without moving closer to the she-cat that was the light of his eyes. He wanted to see what she would do now after his confession and he hoped that she would accept him after all.

(OOC: Inspired by this beautiful song https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PPvO1sZkOx0)

The calico apprentice felt like even if they were together it would just end up in heartbreak, she was followed by heartbreak and pain for her entire life. It will follow her like a shadow. She doesn't want to drag Echokit or Jaystream into that. It would be better for all of them if she lives out her life alone. She can handle the pain alone, better then seeing somebody else she cares for in pain.

At Jaystream's question she titled her head looking out across the waters she remembered it like it was yesterday but then glanced back to him as he spoke more her eyes wide. Thats..why he loves her. She never cared that he was the son's deputy. She loved him for..being him. She loved everything about him, his humor, his shyness, his insecurities, everything. Thats why she never understood why he loved her she was..such a mess she didn't even know if there was anything to love. But for some reason..he loved her. He could be with somebody not like her, somebody easier to deal with, but for some reason she has made an impact in his heart...Somebody loves her..


She took another shaky breath tears still coming down her cheeks. Bringing up a paw she tried to wipe away the tears a smile forming on her maw. Shaking her head she chuckled, "You..can be so cheesy..when you want to be..I love you too Jay..Every time my mind wanders my thoughts..always went towards you..I don't know how you can love somebody..like me..but I'm glad you did..I don't want to spend my entire life alone..I do want somebody..but..I don't want them to be in pain..it seems my entire soul..is surrounded in pain..I..I don't know why you want to deal with that..why you want to put yourself through that..How you can accept me for what I am?..I..I don't know.." She sniffed her amber eyes looked at him, she took a step closer to him a small smile on her face.

"I do love you Jay..I wanna be with you of course I do..but I just.." She sighed looking to the water again her eyes in deep pain. "I don't want you hurt cause of me..But I guess..you will still want to be with me no matter that huh?" She looked to him a smile on her face, then she chuckled shaking her head. "You are either dumb..or determined I don't know which one.."

(Daw sorry!)

OCC: Don't worry my friend ;) These two are just soooo cuuuuteee. I love them so much

IC:
The warrior watched her pain and sorrow as she talked... but there was something different too. This time... she was almost like she could imagine herself with him instead of trying to push him away like she did before because the she-cat thought that she could hurt him. However... wasn't love pain and happiness? He already knew that maybe he would be in pain by loving someone but... being by her side was just worth all the suffering he could have in the future.

When he was about to answer her question, the calico she-cat stepped forward and he kept his mouth closed, waiting to see what she would say. A smile appeared on his face when Cinderpaw said what he would exactly do if she just neglected him. She was right... even if she tried to throw him away from her life, the tom wouldn't forget his love. Jaystream chuckled with her, funny and happy to see how much she knew him after all the time they spent together. How could be any other she-cat inside her heart? Cinderpaw was just the love of his life... she knew everything and understood how he thought and how he acted. She was his best friend and love... No one could ever replace her. "Love makes us dumb, don't you think? But I don't mind being dumb for you... because I want to be like that if that means that I can be by your side. You ask why would I want to be dragged to the pain that surrounds you... but I don't see any of that. I don't see that you cause pain to others and even if you do... what does it matter? I know that you're the good-hearted she-cat which I fall in love each time I see her. I want to be part of your world... I want to understand better each day and love each part of you... the good and bad ones."

Jaystream approached her as well and stood just a few paws-length away from her. With one of his paws, he wiped one of her tears, smiling caring and lovingly to her. "I know that you're now in a lot of pain and maybe this not the right moment to ask you to stay with me as my mate. But... could you promise that when you will be named a warrior... can we try to be together as a couple? If you do... I promise that I will always try to help you to overcome your pain, to be with you in the happiest and darkest days of your life and always protect you from all harm because... I love you more than you can imagine and I'm sorry for being so stupid to not realize that until now when I feared to lose you forever. What do you say?" He purred, letting his paw fell to the place where her smaller paw was. He could feel her warm by just touching her like that and that was enough to make his heart race.

Cinderpaw knew that he would be too stubborn to see the pain, too stubborn to forgot about her. He was always like that. It would break her heart though to see him in pain, pain she knew would happen to him. No matter what she says no matter how she tries to make him see it he will always want her. How he could do that she has no idea at all. Why love something that would cause you pain in the end?

At his words though she sighed, she knew he would say that. Knew he would be dumb to what was in his face. He doesn't see it..possibly won't ever see it. She loved him with all her heart, that wasn't the issue. But she has had others she loved before, cared about, and they all met miserable fates at the end after meeting her. She was the cause of their pain. She could have done so much more to save them but she didn't. She let them get hurt, let them leave her and everybody else. At the thought of Jaystream ending up like that caused more pain to come upon her features, making her expression all that more heartbreaking. How can she let Jay into that type of suffering? Her tail lashed out a bit her maw opening to respond when he took a step towards her wiping away one of her tears her head titled up to him her eyes wide.

At his words she hiccuped looking away from him again she looked back though as he placed a paw on hers but she quickly moved away from him taking her paw from him. "You don't get it..you don't see it...I don't want you to be in pain cause of me to see it...I don't want you to experience the type of pain everyone else suffered through cause your to stubborn to see the darkness surrounding me...I want to be with you Jay it's not you trust me...It's just..picturing what could happen to you if we get together, the horrors that could happen to you.." She shook her head more tears coming down her cheeks and her ears drawn back. Even her body was shaking as she spoke. "I can't have that happen to you."

His eyes opened wide when she took her paw away from his. He looked at her desperately because of the thought of losing her. What was he doing wrong? Why couldn't he reach her? She seemed to always drive him far away even if he tried as hard as he could to be with her. Was he being too greedy? His paws trembled and he let his head fell down, not daring to look her eyes. Tears started to fell from his eyes when he thought that maybe what he did was a mistake... Cinderpaw kept him away from her and he only was pressuring her. But even knowing that, he didn't have the courage to stand and leave understanding that she would never be with him. Instead of that, he stayed on his spot, wrapping his tail around his paws like a frightened kit. "Why...? Why does it have to be this way? You say I'm blinded... that I can't that darkness that it's with you but... can't you see too that it's going to be worse for both of us if we just... keep creating a distance, a wall between each other? At least for me... I just can't... Please... tell me what I'm doing wrong. What can I do to convince you to be together when you're a warrior? I don't care about what is going to happen... you and I cannot predict the future, Cinderpaw. And I don't care if I suffer for you. Isn't it love the feeling when you can experiment both happiness and pain?" His green eyes looked at her, filled with tears. "You say you don't want me to suffer, to be in pain. But can you see now that there is no greater suffering for me than this? Not even being ignored by my mother or losing my brother when I was kit. The thought of being away from you is my greatest fear. The fact of not being by your side to make you happy is my greater pain."

Taking a deep breath, the tall tom stood up, still trembling. He wanted to touch her and embrace her but he knew that she would push him away again. Giving her a glance full of love, frustration, and sadness, he opened his mouth once again, trying to be as brave as he could to do this. "However... I won't force you to do anything you don't want. Even if it would be a permanent wound inside my heart if you decide to not be with me... I would accept your choice and leave your side as a future mate. But please... understand that that won't erase my feelings for you. I would never stop worrying about your safety and happiness because I love you and that won't ever change."