The Decision (Ashstar needed!)

Rippedpaw limped slightly towards Ashstar's den. His wounds still fresh from the battle with Riverclan. But it wasn't just that, his paws dragged heavily on the ground with the crushing weight of what he was about to do. No matter how he tried to rationalize it, everything that had just happened didn't feel good to him. The battle never should have happened. Cats were unnecessarily injured and the camp invaded. The tell tale scuffed earth was a constant reminder. The apprentice shook his head to try and clear his uneasy thoughts. When he reach the clan leader's den, he hesitated for a second before gaining his confidence.
"Ashstar," He called, trying not to let his voice betray him.

Ashstar was in her den, staring at the opposite wall. She sat silently as a stone, still and unmoving, refusing to let her body betray her. Her heart was shattered into a million pieces by the battle. She needed her son's support. Dear StarClan, couldn't you have left me ONE cat?! All her friends, all her family, were gone or dead. Why, oh, why did Sablestar pick me? And then DIE? She should have chosen Icestorm. Or Cedarfur. Or even Kestrelstorm. Well- that would have ended just as surely in disaster. Why must we be hated so, StarClan? Can I not control my own cats? Can we not band together? Her spring green eyes closed, tears slipping down gray cheeks, leaving wet trails in her fur. At Rippedpaw's voice, she didn't move. "Come in." Her voice was steely and hard, giving no evidence of her despairing tears.

He padded into the leader's den for the first and, most likely last, time. The apprentice dipped his head in a respectful greeting and let out a shaky sigh as he tried to find the right words. Rippedpaw looked over his leader, there were still some physical wounds healing, but on the outside she looked fine. He had always looked up to the Windclan leader... until now. Will she hate me? His head swam and an even darker question crossed his mind, Will she want me dead? After a momentary pause, he finally meowed with some conviction, "Ashstar, I want to leave Windclan".

Now, that got a reaction out of Ashstar. Memories of Horsestep flashed through her head as she turned around slowly, staring at Rippedpaw. Horsestep, Kestrelcloud, Starlingpaw, Kestrelstorm, oh StarClan... She had let Horsestep go, right before the Dark Forest took over. Why couldn't she hold on to cats? W-why did everyone leave her? StarClan.... Oh, StarClan.... Why does everyone hate me? WindClan was hurting, hurting badly. It was almost leaf-bare. The tom was almost warrior-aged. "How...." the leader started, voice still choked with tears. She stopped, shaking her head violently to clear it. "How could you?" the leader whispered hoarsely, vehemently. Her gray ears pinned back across her head, her green eyes narrowed in fury. Her gray tail bushed out behind her, hackles raised, fur standing on end. Her voice grew stronger. "We just got beat up by RiverClan, we're losing warriors every moon, the nursery is depopulated, we have barely enough prey to feed any of us, and you want to leave?! You would just run out on your Clan- your family, your friends- without a second thought?" Ashstar's voice built up to a roar. "No, I've lost cats left and right my whole life. What is it? Do you hate WindClan? Do you hate me? Is it my fault? I can't, I can't anymore, I can't, oh Icestorm, oh StarClan..." Slowly she grew quieter, tears dripping onto the floor, all rage gone. It wouldn't help. She couldn't stop them. She turned away, facing the wall again. "Get out, then. Get out, Rippedpaw, before I change my mind. You are no longer a WindClan cat. Fishstar was right...." She was an idiot to think anyone still cared. Oh, StarClan, they hate me.... They hate me....

"Ashstar..." His voice was a pained whisper. Of course he had thought about all of these things. The apprentice was leaving behind the cat he intended to take as a mate, the cat he loved. Oh, Robinpaw, please forgive me. It pained him to think she would have to hear from some other cat, but he couldn't bring himself to tell her. No one knew, just Ashstar now. The young tom was also giving up only clan he had known his whole life. He felt like he was being ripped apart from the inside out. The clan leader's word made him flinch visibly. Rippedpaw had never stayed close with his family, the whole clan was his family, and now it hurt to have the she-cat he looked up to spit venom at him. I deserve it, He thought numbly, But I can't stay.
"I'm sorry," Rippedpaw's words were hallow, defeated, "I fought for you and for the clan. But I cannot fight irrational battles. I can't let my loyalty to you divide what I know is right". The former apprentice lowered his head, both in a learned respect and painful goodbye to everything he knew.