Where'd all the time go [closed]

Smallbean had made it a priority to see Brackenwing soon after he'd made it back home, especially after hearing what had become of her. It made him feel guilty, even though he knew what had happened was completely out of his control. He didn't feel like that was why, though. He figured he'd think about it later.

Poking his head into the elders den, he squinted in an attempt to see while his eyes adjusted to the light. It wasn't particularly sunny outside, but it was still bright enough to contrast the shade of the den's interior. "Hey, um. Brackenwing, are you in here?" He called, softly. Stars, it made him feel old to know that Brackewing was now an elder, albeit prematurely. Slowly, her figure came into view as he regained his vision. Walking further into the den, he approached her with hesitance. "Hey... How are you?... Are you doing alright? Um.. I heard about you leg and I wanted to see how you were doing..."

Brackenwing lay half-curled in her nest, green eyes narrowed against the bright rays of light that made it into the otherwise darkened den. Fighting the dogs that had shown up in camp had not been wise, but Whisperear and Batsong didn't need to know just how unwise it had been. It was bad enough that they probably already suspected. The pain radiating through her lower back and hip was... Manageable. Perfectly manageable.

Which was why she lay half-curled in her nest, very reluctant to move. It was cold outside too, so how could anyone blame her for wanting to stay in her nest? She was an elder, she had no patrols to take care of.

The shadow of a cat fell across the entrance to the den, and Smallbean's voice made her ear twitch. "I'm here, Smallbean." She mewed, though she did not raise her head from her paws. "I'm fine. Really." She added. "I hope Batsong didn't send you."

Smallbean offered Brackenwing a weak smile. "Oh- No, she didn't." He gulped at the thought of the medicine cat. That was a problem to be dealt with later. "I uh- wanted to see how you were doing since i heard about... y'know... Your leg." It didn't seem like it was damaged, at least not visibly. Damage could be dealt on more than just the surface, though, he knew. He imagined that if it was enough to retire her, it must have been bad. The guilt returned. "I wanted to make sure you weren't lonely in here. Surely you don't want to be by yourself all the time." He padded closer, sitting down about a tail-length away from her nest. Seeing her now made the deputy thought of times back when Brackenwing was still an apprentice. Dark times, it had been, but they had made the most of it. And now, she lay in a nest, an elder before he could retire himself. A subconscious frown crossed his maw. "Does it still hurt? Your leg, I mean."

"Oh good, if she stopped fussing over me for two seconds-" Brackenwing stopped herself, though the irritation she felt at being cooped up and fussed over once again was still visible. "I'm fine, really." She repeated. "The pain is... manageable, I suppose. Sometimes it can hold weight, but not for long." He didn't need to know how bad the pain was, though staying carefully still even now was probably an indication. One that Brackenwing was choosing to ignore. This, of course, constituted a subject change. "When Whisperear and I finally made it back to Windclan they were here at least... I was so glad the clan wasn't still at highstones."

Smallbean cast Brackenwing a sympathetic look. "Have you tried taking poppy seeds?" He offered, not really knowing if he should try providing comfort or giving a logical solution. Glancing away, he nervously flicked his tail. "Either way, I uh... Hope your leg starts to feel better soon." He wished there was something he could do to help. But he wasn't medicine cat anymore. Batsong had probably tried everything she could anyways.

When Brackenwing spoke again, it brought memories of what happened at Highstones. He shuddered. "Oh- Yeah, you must've come back just after I was taken... I'm really glad you made it back, though." Smallbean thought back to the period of time he was trapped in the cutters. He sighed. "Highstones was rough. I'm glad we came back to camp. "

"They don't help all that much." Brackenwing admitted wearily. "I'll manage it, though." Just like she was managing it now... So not really. "Batsong's tried everything she can, I won't stress her out with this any more than she already is." Truly, one elder was the last thing Batsong needed to fret over. "The pain isn't... Constant. At least, not all the time." She added in the hopes that would reassure. Reassure who, Brackenwing wasn't sure.

"Do you think the twolegs are done with the clans? Now that everyone's freed?" She asked, ears twitching back slightly at the memory of being captured. And then they had a whole different reason to be flat to her skull as Smallbean mentioned how rough highstones had been.

"Rough by our own doing, apparently. Almost made me wish to be back on that twoleg farm, hearing about it." Brackenwing couldn't keep the derision out of her voice. She was too tired to, and she liked Smallbean enough not to hide her displeasure with Windclan's predicament from him. "Is there a reason Shrikestar and Coyotegrin would place the blame solely on one warrior, leave out the injuries of others, and defend exile as a first option? Don't tell me you lacked the sense to go along with that foxdung, Smallbean."

"Stars, I sure hope so." Smallbean didn't think there was anything he despised more than Twolegs. A mixed feeling of fear and hatred arose at their mention, only to be smothered by embarrassment and guilt when Brackenwing brought up what had happened at Highstones. So it seemed she'd found out about it, and wasn't happy. He didn't regret the actions of Windclan's leadership, although his personal bias may have kept him quiet. The fact that his own former apprentice seemed to be disappointed in him was what made him feel guilty. "Well.. uh- She attacked a Shadowclanner in front of Nightstar... And also attacked one before..." It didn't feel right, having to justify why they made the decisions they did. He felt like he owed it to Brackenwing, though. "The cats who trespassed were also punished but... she tried to kill a cat." His voice grew quiet. "We didn't know what else to do. We didn't want Shadowclan to go to war with us if we kept her. Besides. Who knows where else her impulses could have gotten her." He fell silent, but only for a few moments. "It wouldn't matter if I thought differently anyways. I'm not the leader, I have no final say."

"When her own apprentice was half dead, by the sounds of it?" Brackenwing let out a snort. "They were close, a kit could see that. I don't know a mentor who wouldn't have been enraged by that." A sigh left her, "I don't know that attacking the warrior who did it in front of Nightstar was the right thing to do, by any means, but it shouldn't have warranted exile at the first opportunity. When have you or Shrikestar ever disciplined anyone before that, Smallbean? Oh, that's right, never. It was Whisperear and I who had to drag an apprentice away from the border when they nearly started a fight over something stupid. It was me who had to tell cats to mind their tongue and not be rude to other clans. Shrikestar wanted to know why his clanmates keep trespassing and breaking rules? It's because nobody has any respect. For either of you. Not that I was ever listened to either, but why should anyone? You both sat and did nothing, then overreacted when you had a chance to discipline someone within reason and show that those actions were wrong. Because you, apparently, don't know what goes on in your own clan."

"You didn't want Shadowclan to start a war, so exiled a loyal warrior instead. To make it easier for them when Nightstar decides to come after us in full force? He's been at our borders constantly, since I was an apprentice, Smallbean. You can't honestly believe he'd just leave the clan alone because you let Shrikestar exile one cat. Silverwing may have been impulsive, but she was loyal. She is loyal. I'd hardly call the defense of a clanmate attempted murder. But a warrior that's half-dead isn't? Where is your outrage over that? Over your clanmate being so injured she had to be dragged back to camp? Or do we only care about the health and safety of the enemy?"

And his next words... Brackenwing lifted herself to a sitting position despite the pain she was in, green eyes narrowing on her mentor, tail lashing. How could he be so passive? So cowardly? "Why are you deputy, then? To be Shrikestar's yes-man? That's an excuse, Smallbean, and you know it. We all have an obligation to call out our leadership when they do something stupid, and that includes you. Especially you, as the clan's deputy. You're not his fresh-out-of-the-nursery apprentice to have to follow his every order. You're going to lead this clan someday, stars help us all if that happens, because I don't know what this clan will become."

"She was a hazard, Brackenwing! Something like that doesn't warrant fighting a Shadowclanner in front of their leader. Nightstar could have easily declared a fight right then and there. We would've been heavily outnumbered. Especially considering that a good number of us had been taken." Smallbean didn't regret Silverwing's exile by any means, at least not until Brackenwing shared her side. A twinge of guilt tugged on his stomach, which he quickly pushed away. The tom's gaze fell to the floor. "And... How are we supposed to know what's going on if we aren't told? We can't be everywhere at once." His tone stayed even throughout, never sour. Pulling his legs closer to himself, he secured his posture.

Smallbean's heart sank as Brackenwing went on. So it was true. They had no respect for their leadership. It stung to hear it spoken out loud, even if he'd known it was true, deep down. Brackewnwing's next words stung even more, though. In all honesty, he hadn't really entertained the thought of ever becoming leader. He never took time to ponder the future, but it was far more likely that he'd end up in the elders den before then. The fact that even his own former apprentice lacked confidence in his leadership hurt.

Letting out a small sigh, he lowered his head, only a little. "I haven't really thought about it. Being leader. I mean I have, but not seriously." He said, honestly. Some other cat would probably be a deputy far better than himself, he knew. Still, he clung to this position. If he let this go, he'd be nothing but a disappointment, a cat who failed. As much as it could be argued that he was failing, he wanted to prove himself. As much as it hurt, he was grateful to Brackenwing for telling him.

"I'm sorry, Brackenwing." He reluctantly met her gaze. "I uh- I just don't feel like... I can't help but worry if I push for a decision that it'll be wrong." Hesitation caused by anxiety had been something he'd dealt with all his life, he thought he'd been getting better with it recently, but evidently he still had a long way to go. "I want to be a good deputy. I guess I just... need to work on some things.. then..." Part of it would just be working up the guts to speak his mind on vital matters. He'd always thought that his opinion didn't matter much in the grand scheme of things, that Shrikestar made the final decisions - which he did. If the rest of the clan thought that he needed to take more responsivity, he supposed it would have to be done.

"And that is precisely the problem, Smallbean. You, Shrikestar - You don't know what your warriors are up to! You didn't care until a situation like that happened in front of you! Silverwing put us in danger, but so have you. When was the last time either of you enforced the Code or common-sense rules? I know- they shouldn't have to be enforced, but clearly they do. Shrikestar made a whole speech after I told him my thoughts, but a speech alone isn't going to do anything. We need active leadership, not one who has his nose up his mate's tail and is too busy to notice his clanmates."

"Attacking a warrior in front of Nightstar... I understand why she did. I would have done the same were it my apprentice or my own daughter." Brackenwing let out a huff,
"You punished our injured cats, you exiled the one who tried to defend them. Did you demand punishment for the one who left them in such a sorry state? Or were you two merely trying to save your own hides by cowing to Nightstar again? Like I told your former apprentice, Coyotegrin is allowed to give him our most valuable, sensitive information for protection against a threat that didn't exist with nothing tangible. Then Windclan exiles it's own warrior at the first instance of trouble in front of the high ranks. Do you think that makes us respectable, Smallbean? The only thing Nightstar will see is that Windclan can be walked over with ease, any time he pleases."

She listened to Smallbean's quiet words, almost feeling bad. He... Hadn't really thought about being a leader seriously? Her former mentor had always been timid, but it was still a shock to hear. Brackenwing knew he probably hadn't asked to be made deputy, but surely there was a reason he was chosen for the position? Unless Shrikestar had truly just wanted someone to nod at everything he did... But if Smallbean was admitting this, maybe there was a chance.

"So... You know there's a problem, you just admitted it. What are you going to do about it?" She asked finally, gaze never leaving the deputy.

"If we tried to punish Nightstar, it'd be asking for war. We'd stand no chance. It isn't like he'd just stand there and take it. Besides... it was on Shadowclan territory. That by no means makes it right, but we were technically in the wrong." As much as he hated to admit it, if Shadowclan wanted to wage war, they'd have a reason to. "I don't have the chance to care if I don't know it's happening! I didn't know Silverwing had trespassed until afterwards! If we knew beforehand the problem would have been solved."

Brackenwing agreed with him on one thing, at least. Windclan was far too quick to give Nightstar sensitive information for little in return. It was something that didn't sit right with Smallbean from the beginning. If only he'd spoke up. If it weren't for his inability to speak his mind, Windclan could be in far less of a vulnerable position right now. "I knew it was a bad idea to tell Shadowclan about the tunnels... I should've said something." He hung his head, disappointed in himself. The culmination of

Brackenwing asked him what he'd do. He was unsure. "I guess i'll just... I have to talk to them more... Be... more involved." 'be stricter' Smallbean had always felt uncomfortable at the thought of having to boss another cat around. Nobody liked a bossy cat. Still, he supposed it was what needed to be done. According to Brackenwing, they already didn't like him. "So.. I guess I need to enforce the rules better." Even if he didn't know how exactly to do that. How was he going to do that. Brackenwing made the point that they didn't know what their warriors were up to, but how would they know? Any cat could say anything. There was no way to be everywhere at once. "How am I supposed to be on their tails all the time? I can't keep a cat from lying, Brackenwing." He voiced his concerns. "There's only so much I can do."

"If the lives of our clanmates at risk isn't worth fighting for, then what is, Smallbean?" She countered sharply, "No, they weren't in the right. But neither was Nightstar, and he shouldn't have been allowed to get away with that if our clanmates - so injured they were dragged home - couldn't. Admittedly, I don't have high hopes that the rest of Shadowclan isn't like Nightstar, but some of them would have to speak against it if he wanted to retaliate, right? Unless I'm truly alone in wanting to speak out when my leader does something harebrained? Stars, I hope not." The last was muttered, her ears flattening.

The conversation turned back towards the tunnels, and Brackenwing sighed. "Someone should've... Not that I think we would have been listened to. At the same time, a deputy's word carries more weight than the mate of a leader." Brackenwing let out a snort of disgust. "All our work with the tunnels, just for it to be thrown away. Even if we restore them now after all the damage done, Shadowclan will still know that we're capable of using them. They'll be curious, they'll be watching and waiting." They might even try to figure things out themselves, and Brackenwing hoped if they did they were met with the same death that Windclan had faced at first. "There's no undoing that damage, unfortunately. As stupid as the decision was."

Smallbean, at least, seemed to want to do better. Want to fix things. Maybe he would be able to, eventually. "You're not the only one who needs to be on their tails. That's a shared responsibility. Shrikestar can start pulling his weight. Batsong and Birchgaze should be checking on our clanmates as it is." Brackenwing pointed out, "Vary your patrols, too. The warriors you trust should be on patrols with the less experienced and with those you don't. I don't have all the answers for that, but the clan can't go on like it has been. something has to change."

The deputy stayed silent as Brackenwing spoke. They shared similar thoughts about whether or not they should have told Shadowclan about the tunnels. He'd have responded if he could tell whether her disgust was directed toward him or Shrikestar. It kept him quiet.

She was right about it being a bad decision, although he felt like they shouldn't be judged too harshly for it. It wasn't as if they knew what was going to happen.

When she was done, or at least he thought she was done, he stuttered. "Right... well." Slowly, he stood to his paws and lowered his head. "Thank you, Brackenwing." Continuing to avoid her gaze, he fiddled with the sand beneath his paws. "I'll uh... see what I can do.... Thank you." His mind raced, cycling through possible actions he should take from here. He'd take Brackenwing's suggestions into account, for sure. But that couldn't be enough. Maybe... maybe he'd have to think about it for a bit.

Dipping his head to Brackenwing once more, he turned and left the elder's den. As much as it pained him to find out in such a harsh way, he was glad that she'd told him. Otherwise, it may have become worse... worse than it already was. He let out a heavy sigh.