tell me what's the point of trying to wait [C]

Iceheart

Iceheart had been sitting out in camp under the stars for the past couple of hours. She stared at the moon up in the sky, which was a thinning crescent at this point in the month. It didn’t offer too much light into the marshes below, but ShadowClan cats had good vision, so it was no bother to Iceheart or any other ShadowClan cats. Iceheart’s stomach stirs as memories of Ratrunner flashed in her mind. Ever since the outing with Webshadow that had gone wrong, Iceheart had been thinking more and more of Ratrunner. It left her feeling ill, but in a way that she couldn’t quite explain. It wasn’t a physical sickness, but a deep heartache. So much guilt and regret pierced her heart, and all at once, Iceheart made a resolute decision.

She stood from where she sat and headed for the exit of camp. She knew where she was going to go and it was a place that was really only visited by the elders to be maintained. Iceheart had avoided visiting it at all, even during Raturnner’s vigil, but she was suddenly filled with the urge to finally, finally, visit his grave.

[OOC: This takes place after this topic.]

Honeypaw

Honeypaw had been worried. Ever since Iceheart came back from that patrol, where she encountered dogs, dogs! she’d seemed… off. At first Honeypaw thought it might be his own anxiety over hearing of the danger his mentor, along with several of his other friends in the clan, had been in and seeing the aftermath, but slowly he began thinking more and more that there was more to it. His own panic had worn off once he knew everyone was alright (And after a day or two of being especially clingy to Iceheart, even for him.) but Iceheart's funk hadn't seem to go away. And it was subtle, and he still wasn't sure he wasn't imagining it, but he couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong.

He’d been sitting outside the apprentices den for almost as long as Iceheart had been sitting outside, unusually still for him except for the anxious twitching of his tail. He wanted to say something, but he didn’t know what to say. Honeypaw didn’t want to make things worse. He couldn’t tell what was upsetting his mentor, the cat he valued most in the world, so deeply, and he wanted to be able to make it better, but just he didn’t know how.

When Iceheart suddenly got up, Honeypaw’s head snapped up. He made a few anxious kneading motions on the ground, when suddenly he hopped up as well and burst into a trot, hurrying after Iceheart without thinking. “Iceheart!” He called, skidding to a stop and catching her just outside the exit of camp. “Iceheart, hold on.” He hesitated. He wasn’t sure if it was his place to say anything… but he decided he didn’t care. He loved Iceheart and he couldn’t stand not saying something when something was clearly on her mind.

“Are you… Are you okay?” He asked softly, meeting her warm amber eyes. "I mean…” His tail twitched again and he tried again. “Wherever you’re going… Do you want some company? You seem. Lonely.”

Iceheart

Iceheart looked to Honeypaw. Her chest ached at seeing her little apprentice—well, perhaps not so little anymore. He was larger than she was now. Still, it pained her to look at him. It brought her memories of her own time as an apprentice, and perhaps it was because she had Ratrunner on her mind, but she could only think of her own failures as an apprentice. She didn’t want Honeypaw to follow in her pawsteps. But there she was, being his mentor, and influencing him anyway.

“I…” Her voice died in her throat and she glanced away from Honeypaw. It hurt to see him looking so concerned for her sake. Lonely…she had been lonely for a while, she supposed. Honeypaw and Forestbreeze both helped. It helped to not feel actually alone. But even with Honeypaw right here at her side, she felt like there was no one for miles. “I was…going to go to where they bury our clanmates. When they die. I…hadn’t gone there in a long time. I didn’t go after a friend of mine died. I…don’t know why I want to go now.”

She looked out into the darkness of the territory. The burial place was not far. She wasn’t concerned about going alone. But now she had Honeypaw, and it seemed she wouldn’t be alone after all.

Honeypaw

Honeypaw’s heart did a painful squeeze at Iceheart’s tone, and at her words. There was clearly a lot of pain that she was carrying, pain he couldn’t hope to grasp or solve. Still, he could at least be there for her. He wanted so desperately for her to know that she wasn’t alone. He moved forward, coming fully to Iceheart’s side.

“Okay,” He said simply, softly, catching her eyes when she glanced back towards him. “I can stay with you, if you want. Maybe it’ll be easier to face if you’re with a friend.” He gave her a tiny smile. There was none of his usual over-the-top boisterousness, but the warmth that always radiated off of Honeypaw was there in full.

Iceheart

Iceheart stared at Honeypaw for a long moment. Her heart ached in her chest and she wondered why she was even considering letting Honeypaw come with her. She didn’t want him to…but she also did. She didn’t know if she could really face the burial place on her own. It felt like she would lose her courage and abandon the trip if she went on her own. Honeypaw also just looked so concerned, and—stars above, that tiny smile he gave her, with the same comfort as a kitten nestling against its mother. She always had a hard time saying no to him.

“Okay. If you want to,” she mewed softly. She nodded her head for Honeypaw to stick close with her as they made their way silently to the burial place. Iceheart could only identify when they arrived there by the soft scent of death that lingered in the area. It was subtle, and covered in the scent of moss and flowers that was used to cover up the dirt patches where the cats were buried. Some of the newer ones, like Frogkit’s grave, was still slightly elevated from the seasons not flattening the dirt yet. But even her scent had faded drastically. Iceheart realized that she could not smell Batglow’s scent, or Deerleap’s, or Murkystar’s—and not Ratrunner’s. She didn’t know where exactly they’d been buried moons ago. She wasn’t around to see any of them buried, and so she couldn’t identify where was her friend’s body to mourn.

Iceheart stayed standing in place on the edge of the burial place and she felt her eyes wet. A couple tears dripped down her nose silently before she was able to half the tears that pressed at her eyes. She finally croaked, “Many cats are buried here. I only know a handful of them. But I’ve never actually been here before.”

Honeypaw

Honeypaw stuck close to Iceheart as they walked along. He’s never been to the burial place either. He hadn’t lost too many people close to him… Besides Fawnpatch, but she hadn’t exactly been buried. And even if she had been, Honeypaw’s emotions were such a tangled bundle inside him when it came to her that he had no idea if he would’ve come to mourn. He was struck by the scent of death underlaid under the moss and flowers. The last time he had really experienced death like this was during the battle with the Dark Forest. It was at that moment that he realized that the strange, acrid scent that always clung to Fawnpatch’s pelt was the same scent he smelled now. The realization made him shudder.

He was knocked out of his own thoughts by Iceheart speaking again, and it’s then that he saw the tears that his mentor fought. His heart clenched. He’d never seen Iceheart cry before. In fact, it was rare to see Iceheart emote at all. Every little smile that she would send Honeypaw’s way was a victory. It was another sobering realization to recognize just how much Iceheart had been keeping tightly locked under her surface.

Honeypaw shifted and pressed himself against Iceheart again, a physical reminder of his presence. “It seems scary,” He said softly. “Like coming here would be like accepting that they’re gone. Or… Having to face how you feel.” He isn’t really sure what he’s saying, but he’s just letting the words fall softly in the space between them.

Iceheart

It was hard to tear her gaze away from the burial place. She took a shuddering breath and finally looked back at Honeypaw. It was nice having him pressed against her. It felt less like she was going to go floating off into the sky. It was hard to focus on Honeypaw’s words, but Iceheart tried really hard to not let her focus slip away.

When she digested his words, she wasn’t sure if she felt better or worse. Iceheart exhaled shakily and murmured, “How can someone as young as you say such wise things?” She looked back to the ground of the burial place. She knew that these grounds were buried with generations of cats from ShadowClan, but it just felt like it was heavy with the bodies of those she knew. She hadn’t been able to save any of them. It felt like death followed her everywhere. She knew it wasn’t special. Everyone in ShadowClan probably felt that way. But Iceheart only replayed the moment she left Ratrunner behind at the Gathering. How could that not be her fault?

How could someone like Forestbreeze not hate her after that?

Iceheart shut her eyes and her ears flattened against her skull. “I…thought coming here would help. I think it was a mistake.” She didn’t feel better. She felt so much worse. She couldn’t even explain why. She didn’t want Honeypaw to look down on her for how she abandoned Ratrunner. It was such a selfish secret to keep.

Honeypaw

“We can go,” Honeypaw said, his heart aching for his mentor. “We can go and find a nicer place to sit for a while.” He pressed a little closer to her, gently rubbing his head against her shoulder for a moment before looking at her again. “You don’t have to stay. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

He’s not very good with his words, he never has been. But until Iceheart tells him to, Honeypaw was determined to stay by her side until she felt better. It was the least he could do.

Iceheart

Iceheart stared at the burial place for a moment longer. She felt like she should stay, as little as she wanted to. What was the point of coming here just to leave again? What was the point in exposing her weaknesses to her apprentice if she could not overcome them? What kind of a mentor was she, if she exposed what she was going through to Honeypaw and then left without resolving them? But as much as she hated it, as much as she wanted to solve it…she knew not how.

“Y…Yes,” Iceheart murmured. “Let’s…” She blinked slowly. She didn’t want to go back to camp yet…She did not think that she could simply curl up in her nest and sleep again. Iceheart looked to Honeypaw and her eyes shined with that vulnerability before they hardened again, sealing it away inside of her. “Let’s find a nice place to sit for a while.”

Honeypaw

Honeypaw nodded. This time, it was him who led the way, though he stayed at the pace that Iceheart set. He didn’t say anything for a bit, but he brushed against Iceheart every now and then. He waited to speak until they found a quiet, peaceful spot among the pines, settling down beneath the sun shining through the branches.

Once sitting, Honeypaw was quick to fully press against Iceheart again. He let the warmth of the sun soak into them both for a few moments longer, chasing away the chill that the burial place had left clinging to their fur, before he softly said, “Do you wanna tell me about who you wanted to see there?” He would be a fool not to realize that Iceheart was grieving someone. He didn't know what had happened, but he did know he loved Iceheart and wanted to help.

Iceheart

Iceheart quietly listened to the sound of the forest around them, the soft wet pads of grass beneath their paws. She focused on the feeling of Honeypaw’s warm fur against her flank. She slowed down until they found a dryer area of grass away from the puddles of the wet marsh and Iceheart settled down in the grass.

She was quiet for another minute longer, trying to build up the courage to simply speak what was on her mind. Finally, the words bubbled up into her mouth. “Ratrunner,” Iceheart stated. The name sat heavily on her tongue. “He was one of the first cats I met after I was born that was not a queen. He taught me about the cats that existed in the clan at the time. He was Forestbreeze’s mentor, and my mentor in all but name. He was…a great friend.”

And she failed him. Iceheart couldn’t bring herself to say that. The last thing she wanted was for Honeypaw to think less of her. She had turned her back on a cat in need. Even if she may have been justified to not assist in the fighting, she’d run away when he was dying. She did not get to say a thing to him.

“I miss him a lot,” Iceheart settled on saying, though it was hard to speak the words.

Honeypaw

Ratrunner. Honeypaw hadn’t heard the name before, but he could tell that he had been an influential cat. He must’ve been, to have had such a profound effect on Iceheart, to have helped teach both her and Forestbreeze, two of the most amazing cats Honeypaw knew. He felt a small squeeze in his chest. He wished he had the chance to meet him.

Honeypaw gently knocked his head against Iceheart’s shoulder. “I’m sorry. That you lost him.” He said softly. “He sounds like an amazing cat.” He looked at her. “Do you wanna tell me more about him? What he was like, and everything? I think it can help. To talk about him.”

Iceheart

Iceheart was quiet as they walked. She could feel Honeypaw pressed against her side, and she wished that she could muster up something to acknowledge it. She couldn’t even lift her gaze from the ground. Iceheart remained quiet for a long moment, debating what she should even say about Ratrunner…

“He was the first friend I really had,” she mewed. “Back when I was a kit. I wanted to be sociable back then, but I suppose I was just as poor at it as I am now. My first conversation with Webwhisper, I was quite rude and naive. Ratrunner did not judge me for my foolishness, though. He listened and helped me understand more about ShadowClan…He told me about all of the warriors of ShadowClan back then, when I was still learning what the warrior code entailed. Ratrunner was as much a mentor to me as Thalia was.”

And he’d died. And she had not even stayed to make sure he passed peacefully. She hadn’t stayed to mourn. She had barely mourned afterwards, too caught up in the issues at hand to bother with shedding tears for her supposed best friend until now. Iceheart wondered what Ratrunner thought of her right now, if she were able to speak to him.

Honeypaw

Honeypaw listened, looking up to watch the clouds pass over the sun as they walked. His heart ached for Iceheart, having kept so much of this inside for so long, since before he even met her. He remembered how scary and hard it was when he kept the secret of what happened with Fawnpatch tucked inside his chest, how much he hated it when he felt like he couldn’t talk to Iceheart about it. He felt once more a sudden rush of gratitude for Iceheart’s presence in his life, that he knew now he could tell her anything, come to her with anything. With that gratitude came the determination to return the favor.

“I can’t imagine how different Shadowclan was back then,” Honeypaw said. “I know it wasn’t all that long ago, but…” But it was before the Dark Forest. He didn’t need to say that, he knew she knew what he meant. “I’m glad he was there, to teach you I mean. I wish I had the chance to meet him.”

He’s quiet for a minute, then looked at Iceheart again. “I may not have met him, and I don’t pretend to understand anything about Starclan and their ways,” He said softly. “But if he looked after you here, I bet he still checks up on you from up there.” He nodded to the sky. “And he cared about you. Because you deserve to be cared about.” He hesitated, then, spurred by the guilt and regret written all over his mentor's slummped form, he added, “Whatever mistakes you’ve made, whatever happened with Ratrunner, Iceheart… You still deserve to be loved. And I’m sure that his love hasn’t gone anywhere. You know that, right?”

Iceheart

Iceheart looked to Honeypaw. Her gaze lifted to the sky as well, watching the clouds. They moved past the sun and its bright light broke out, shining down on them. It was hard to remember sometimes. But she knew that Honeypaw had a point. He was always good at understanding those thing, wasn’t he?

“I do always carry my memory of him,” Iceheart murmured. “And he did—he did care about me. You’re right, Honeypaw. That…love…doesn’t just disappear.” She closed her eyes, willing herself not to shed any tears. Her feelings were still jumbled up and twisted. She wished she could sort it out easier, but this at least helped it not feel so violent in the pit of her stomach.

Iceheart opened her eyes and got to her feet. “We should be getting back,” she meowed. After a moment, a ghost of a smile touched her face. “Thank you, Honeypaw…I do feel better, after today.”