O My Heart [closed]

The wind howled like a thousand wolves as Smallbean pushed himself onward to highstones- the unpleasant weather was fit for the unpleasant occasion. As much as he wanted to turn back and call it quits, as much as he wanted to just go back to his nest and sleep, he knew he couldn't. His sleep would be plagued with nightmares, anyways. He hesitantly raised his gaze to the mountain that now stood before his paws. Every instinct told him to turn around now more than ever before, but he roughly shook his head- as if that would rid him of the feeling. Placing his paw on the rocky surface felt harder than trying to step into the river, but he continued nevertheless.

He climbed up the mountain, losing his footing every fox-length or so due to the rough winds. A few times he swore it almost lifted him off of his paws. It didn't take him long to reach mothermouth, a sight once joyful and mysterious now causing him great dread. He nervously swallowed as he approached it, his breathing growing more rapid. "It's- it's okay, calm down. You just need to get this over with and go back home. It'll all be okay after that." The tom's words were mere whispers as he tried to reassure himself, but the words gave him no comfort. He still feared what he would face after he enters the cave, after he presses his nose to the moonstone. He'd never had to face consequences for his past before, but the feelings they brought up were beginning to be too much to bear. He was putting an end to this for himself and nobody else. With that, he entered the cave. His pace was quick, close to a run as he followed the tunnel. The way the cave walls pressed against him made him feel as if he were suffocating, he wanted nothing more than to quickly reach the moonstone. Then the cave finally opened up, and his gaze rested upon the stone, shimmering in the pale moonlight. Doubts came rushing into his mind now, and for a moment he debated turning around. 'No, you need to do this.' Without letting himself overthink this any longer, he darted forward and laid with his paws tucked beneath him, letting his nose touch the moonstone's cold surface.

---

His sleep came quickly, and within what felt like heartbeats he was awake again. He sat upright, finding himself in a strange place. In front of him was a lush forest filled with oak trees. Behind him was a moor, similar to Windclan's territory. He watched the way the tall moor grass swayed back in forth in the slight breeze, it was certainly better than the winds he faced getting here. But it was quiet, unnaturally quiet, the only sounds coming from the way the grass brushed against itself and the faint rustling of the trees. It began to make him uncomfortable. He couldn't see a cat yet, but surely there had to be one nearby. So he began. "I- You probably know why I'm here. This is something I should have done long ago." He called out from where he sat, constantly looking over his shoulder so he could spot a cat- if there would be one. "I- I've made some mistakes, some really big ones, and they've been eating me alive. I.. I want to make things right."

A starry cat stepped forward, appearing in front of the WindClan medicine cat. Of course she knew what he was here for. After all, he made a mistake, and he was here to apologize for what he did. Of course, apologizing wouldn’t change the fact that he had kits born and raised in another clan, but at least he was recognizing the mistake that he made, and the cats he ended up hurting with his inability to just say no.

Pebblestorm could sympathize with him, though. The WindClan warrior never truly realized it while she was alive, but she ended up being attracted to a RiverClan warrior, Buzzardclaw, in StarClan. The two of them were nearly inseparable, which was very odd for non-mates. Though it wasn’t illegal per se, it was by no means encouraged, and the two of them did get weird looks from time to time. Of course, Smallbean was a different cat with totally different circumstances for his relationship, but the she-cat still wanted to forgive him for the mistakes that he made.

Thankfully, so did the rest of StarClan.

”Some cats never make the journey to repent at all. It requires bravery to acknowledge for the mistakes you made in the past, and you chose to step into Mothermouth and admit your mistakes.” After letting Smallbean speak, the she-cat gave a calm reply. ”To make things right is a difficult task, perhaps unachievable. After all, you cannot reverse the consequences of your actions. But your choice to step to the Moonstone today and admit to the mistakes you made may be as close as any cat could reasonably get.”

”StarClan forgives you, Smallbean.”

The tom whipped his head back around to find himself nose-to-nose with an unfamiliar she-cat. "Oh- sorry." Even though he was here for something important, he would never forget his manners. He stepped back, and took a deep breath, ready to confess all that he'd done wrong, to apologize for the actions he never wanted to make. But she spoke first. So he listened. The fact that this cat called him brave was surprising, especially since he didn't think he was brave in the least. The only reason he came was because the guilt was too much, if he could he would have avoided this situation. "Well... thank you." Was all he managed to say. When the other cat began to speak once more, he stood still and kept his mouth shut. The she-cats words stung him, but he knew she spoke the truth. As much as he wanted to, he might not be able to make things right like how he wants them to be. But maybe he could try to fix things as much as possible. He looked up to the she-cat with a slight smile and dipped his head. "Thank you, really." The last words that the she-cat said to him would stay in his memory for moons.

'Starclan forgives you, Smallbean.'

The best words he'd ever heard.

Suddenly, the edges of his vision began to darken. Within a heartbeat, everything was black. And then, he woke up. Just one visit made such a large difference. He didn't know if it was just because he'd finally come clean and expressed his sorrow, but he felt significantly better already. He stood up and navigated the tunnels once more, not sparing the moonstone another glance. When he emerged from the cave, he found himself gazing at the sunrise. The wind no longer howled, it was instead replaced with a slight breeze. He raised his head. Today would be a better day.