i am not what i am (c)

It was warm. A sticky, humid heat. Colder than days prior but still enough to make her pelt itchy and horrible. The sun had only just crested over the horizon, painting the territory in dewy golden light. Few were up this time of the morning. The dawn patrols she had set the day previously, and it seemed-- herself and Poppystar. She approached with a quiet mew, dipping her head in respect before moving to settle in beside her. She was comfortable with Poppystar, though at times it still felt as though she were sitting beside a giant; nevermind herself being the leaders right paw.

"Good sleep?" She purred, running her tongue over the side of her own paw. "If that is even possible in this heat. I suppose your den is cooler, no?"

The morning was warm, but it was cozy in its own way. Poppystar knew that the greenleaf heat would soon give way to leaffall chills, and so she was trying to enjoy the heat no matter how oppressing it may have felt.

Cindersky’s approach was welcomed and Poppystar smiled at her as their territory slowly filled with golden light of dawn. She replied, “It is. I know the warrior dens can get rather stifling during greenleaf. I do kind of miss it, though, having cats so close.” She turned her gaze fully onto Cindersky. “Did you sleep well too?” She knew that Cinderky had bouts of insomnia; they had spoken of it only on brief occasion. She hoped that Cindersky would see Pigeonpounce for herbs if the lack of sleep ever really got to her.

"Less lonely," Cindersky mused in agreement. She could not imagine sleeping alone, and almost pitied Poppystar for it. She would have offered to join her in the leaders den, make it somewhat less so, but she wouldn't sleep anywhere Larkspring was not... And that would be a very interesting arrangement.

"Mostly," She answered then, turning her eyes to her paws and prodding a little pile of sand that had built up underfoot. "Somewhat broken, but better than the last few days. Maybe when the weather gets colder, sleep will come quicker. How have you been? And don't answer like you think a leader should-- I'm asking you," She gave a very brief, narrow-eyed look, like scrutinising which prey would be best to eat. "How you are. Not your --star."

Cindersky’s stilted clarification made Poppystar chuckle softly. She hummed and tilted her head back as she thought. She settled on saying, “I’m alright. I am certainly doing better than I did a couple of moons ago…It has taken a lot of time to get used to being a leader, and even more to start to feel okay after Perchstar’s death…but I am okay.”

She smiled at Cindersky and added, “I appreciate you checking in with me. I did the same with Perchstar often, so don’t think it’s unwelcome.”  She leaned forward and pushed her shoulder against Cindersky’s. “And what of you, in return? Not as a deputy, but just as Cindersky.”

Cindersky kept her gaze focused on Poppystar as she spoke. She did think it was still a little odd. Not too many moons ago, Poppystar was a 'higher than thou' figure to her. Someone she sought advice from, someone who gave advice even if she didn't ask for it. Someone who knew more, had seen more, done more.

"Mm, I do sometimes still expect to see her return from a patrol, or to be watching the clan from a perch. But it is... Less sore, now. I hope it is the same for her, too," She meowed. She did often think of the once-leader, of all the things she had said to her in mistake. And how some kind of forgiveness; though not full, or even at all, some idea of it, had come at the end. "You are doing a brilliant job so far. At least, I think so. The Clan is at peace again."

The question returned then to her shouldn't have been a surprise. Common courtesy, yes. But she had not thought of an adequate reply ahead of time. She hummed, turning her gaze to her paws with her ears angled back. "I do still feel somewhat like an impostor to the role," She admitted. "Though, I don't think I am doing terribly. Both as deputy and as... myself. Perhaps being given higher responsibility is what... Oh, I don't know. Made me want to be me again. Although," She ended with a laugh, lips quirked in a half smile. "It is still very strange when some of the Clan look at me as though I am a fox, or a goose. I didn't think I could be in any way scary to anyone."

Poppystar smiled a little sadly at Cindersky when she spoke about feeling like an impostor. Pigeonpounce had expressed much the same to her. She wished that she could convince her fellow High Ranks that they deserved the positions they were in, but she supposed that only time and experience would prove that to them. She would just have to be there to reassure them when she could.

She said, “That will happen with anyone in power. I got to know Perchstar when I was very young and not old enough to feel intimidated—but when I had become deputy, I noticed that there were shifts in cats that had not known me well in the first place, and especially in any young apprentices. It is funny to consider, even now.” She chuckled and nodded. “But when they get to know you, they’ll see that you’re not frightening. And it’s good to get to know the cats you haven’t interacted with as much anyway. We have to look after them even more than we did when we were just warriors, after all.”

Cindersky hummed, nodding along with each word. There was that sort of truth to them that she never really thought of; how Poppystar and her were, truly, more alike than she tended to think. Perhaps that was why she chose her, how she could see... some form of potential in her. She had been there before. She had lived it.

"It is sobering," She mewed. "In a way. Sometimes, being deputy does not feel much different than being a warrior. A highly, highly respected warrior, true. And then someone turns to me, and they ask me a question as if I know... everything. Even Duckfeather, they-- They are older than me. And yet it was like they believed I were a warrior so much senior than them. That is when it tends to feel... Meaningful. Though, perhaps we are lucky that I am able to say it is not too unlike being a warrior. I have not had to truly flex that muscle yet."

Cindersky certainly spoke truth in what she was saying, but it made Poppystar chuckle all the same. “It is true that you were not a warrior as long as others. Duckfeather is your senior. But what you lack in concrete experience, you make up for in new experience. You get to experience things that they don’t. You sit with me in my den as we discuss patrol assignments and pour over information brought back by our warriors. You sit and chat with the other clans’ deputies each month. You’re still learning a lot, but you’ve already learned more things than any other in the clan has.”

Her eyes squinted with a smile. “I am certain that there will be even more in the future . No matter how much we try, it will never only be good things. But have confidence in your abilities all the same. You’ve earned this spot, and you’ve earned the respect—even if it may not seem like you have.”

"Perhaps it is one of those things that you do not realise you are learning until the time comes to use it," She meowed with a chuckle. Not too many moons ago, she doubted whether she was even able to be a warrior. She took it in her stride as best as she could, and now was deputy and facing that same doubt. Maybe it just came with the change, the title, or maybe...

"You never told me how you were appointed deputy," She said. "Or when. It seemed like you and Perchstar were a match made by StarClan themselves. Was it an easy transition, or did you have to hit the ground running?"

That made Poppystar chuckle a bit. It feels like both long ago and not long at all that she became deputy. So many cats had come and gone in that time. It was hard to remember that many cats here had always known her as deputy and didn’t know the her that came before.

She tilted her head and considered. “Before Perchstar, there was Jaystar. He was the leader when I was born. Perchstar had become deputy a few moons before I was born, if I recall the stories from my youth correctly. I became her apprentice and she trained me well. During my apprenticeship, the Dark Forest invaded the land of the living with the help of Morningstar, a cat that…” She trailed off and her nose wrinkled briefly. “For the sake of time, I won’t explain much unless you want to know the details of him. But the clans were restricted to their own lands for a while. During that time, Jaystar disappeared—I’m still not entirely sure why. Perchstar ran the clan as best she could until the Dark Forest could be driven out with StarClan’s assistance. From there, she went to the Moonstone with Cloverheart and got her nine lives.”

The memory brings a little smile to her face. It was so brief, the time that she, Perchstar, and Cloverheart were all together running the clan. She missed that warm greenleaf and early leaffall. Continuing, she said, “When she returned, she called a meeting and chose me as deputy. I had only become a warrior maybe a moon or so earlier. I felt entirely unprepared, but my fellow warriors were enthusiastic and happy for me. If they believed in me, and Perchstar too, then I decided to believe in myself as well. I was quite naïve back then and certainly would not have made a good leader if I had to fill Perchstar’s paw prints much earlier…but she taught me a lot. I think I’m a better cat for it now.”

There was a blink and she realized she didn’t fully answer Cindersky’s question. “Things were a little more relaxed for a moon or two after the Dark Forest was gone, but it wasn’t all that much longer before Cloverheart was killed. There was a lot that came after that. Being deputy had its periods of quiet and excitement, and it’s about what I expect now as leader.”