The future's in your paws. Shape it well.Roleplay in a cat Clan of warriors. Based off the Warriors series by Erin Hunter. Takes place in an AU before the cats in the books existed.
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Subject: im not the same boy i was before [C] Sat 22 Jun 2024 - 5:34
SILVERHAWK
The darker the weather...
Heatherberry had gone missing. Patrols were sent out in search of her, but all of them were unproductive. For the first time in his life, a missing cat actually made Silverhawk feel… concerned. He did not realize he still liked Heatherberry enough to worry for her until the feeling was upon him. He attended many of the search patrols himself and his heart sank deeper into his paws after every failed hunt. He could only imagine where she had gone, what had happened to her. She was either long gone, deep in some predator’s belly, or she was smashed flat on the Thunderpath, or captured by twolegs and taken as a kittypet… he shuddered to think too long about it.
But there was more to Heatherberry’s disappearance than his concern for her. She left behind an untrained apprentice, so their Clan was effectively without a medicine cat. She left behind Nightpaw, who was still little more than a mewling kit. ...who Silverhawk now, in the strangest way, felt a connection too. The loss of his mentor was far more violent, and he took great pride in having survived something he knew most other cats would not--something Nightpaw certainly would not… but the little tom had still lost his new mentor.
Silverhawk’s body parted the fern-fronds and lichen that hung across the wedge formed by the two stones that made up the medicine den. When he’d seen Nightpaw go inside, he abandoned his meal and quickly followed after. He’d been meaning to talk to the small tom since his failed ceremony, but there had been other things to deal with first. Now they both had a moment, so there was no need to delay. Besides: Nightpaw would be cornered against the walls of the den. He would have no choice but to talk, now.
”Nightpaw,” the musical tone of his voice called out as he brushed into the den. His eyes slid toward the tuxedo form bent close to their dwindling herb stores. His eyes drifted between the scattered plant-parts before looking back to his former apprentice. The usual smile appeared on Silverhawk’s face. ”I’m sure it must be difficult. Heatherberry’s loss, I mean. Certainly, it’s difficult for all of ShadowClan.” He sat down right in front of the exit, blocking what escape Nightpaw might’ve had should he decide he didn’t want to entertain this conversation. Silverhawk’s tail curled around his paws and twitched idly back and forth. ”How are you managing, then?”
Subject: Re: im not the same boy i was before [C] Fri 28 Jun 2024 - 20:35
nightpaw
Nightpaw's heart had weighed heavy in his chest since he'd returned to camp without Heatherberry. Her loss had been his fault, and all he could do in the wake of her disappearance was try his best to pick up where she'd left off.
Often, he was visited in his dreams, so much so that he wasn't ever alone - even in sleep. The medicine cats of StarClan, many of whom had been dead for seasons and seasons, did their best to teach him what they could. Still, it wasn't much. He'd have to pay the other Clans a visit soon; perhaps their medicine cats could help when Rookfire was otherwise busy. Nightpaw was exhausted from his constant pursuit of knowledge, though. It was a constant chase. And now, just after he'd stopped for a bite of fresh-kill, he found himself alone in his den for once. The silence was almost overwhelming. His shoulders sagged in relief, and he finally let his mask drop, let his anxiety fall to the curb.
He was alone, finally. The small apprentice looked around the den, as though to make sure there was really nobody there, and finally settled himself down in the back near the herb stores. An earthy, calming scent wafted from the meager scraps that he'd taken so much care to keep organized. As much as Nightpaw was terrified, he did really like it here. And as much as he worried for Heatherberry, he was content here in the medicine den; it was a peace he had not known since he was born, and was immediately thrust on the path of a warrior.
As he began to quiz himself and take stock of what herbs he might need to gather later, he heard the near-silent rustle of the lichen curtain as someone entered. A sigh escaped his lips. What was it now? If he had to chase some kit out of his den, he swore to StarClan...
No. As Nightpaw turned, he found himself face to face with Silverhawk. What did his old mentor want? Was he injured? He didn't look it. No, he was smiling now. As the larger tom spoke, Nightpaw backed up a step. Part of him had been avoiding Silverhawk, subconsciously. Like he thought the tom would be furious with him for choosing the path of a medicine cat. Or, worse yet, that he'd pity him, look down on him. Instead, Silverhawk met his gaze with an unreadable expression. But he was a charlatan, of sorts, an actor. Nightpaw knew it, and hoped something more sinister was not festering within the tom. Was it such a stretch for him to be genuinely concerned for his former apprentice?
But he was blocking the entrance, he realized. Nightpaw was usually looking for a way out of every situation just in case, and as he did so now, he realized Silverhawk had made sure he wouldn't have an escape. Did the warrior blame him for Heatherberry's disappearance? Was he looking for revenge? He tried to hide the slight anxiety that pricked at him, and straightened up as he looked back at the silver and grey cat. "...Silverhawk," He greeted, searching the tom's gaze. No, there was still nothing to be found there. "Certainly, it is. I'm... mentorless. Rookfire has been helping teach me, but I can only really hope he's remembering anything correctly. It's probably been a lifetime since he was even a medicine cat." Nightpaw's eyes narrowed, but he sat down. If there was no escape, he'd just have to entertain this talk, and he'd have to act like he wasn't swayed a bit. By anything.
There was an unspoken question on Nightpaw's lips. He was scared of the answer. But he wanted to rip the cobwebs off and get it over with. He'd spent most of his days terrified that his Clan blamed him, and he had to know; he was dying to know, as much as hedidn't want to. The tuxedo studied his paws for a moment, and he felt himself regress back to the short time ago when he'd been a warrior apprentice, terrified of his future and his own shadow and everyone around him. Silverhawk would have that effect, of course. Couldn't he just leave him alone? Nightpaw looked back up, and his usual fear mingled with a rarely seen determination in his fern gaze. "Do you... blame me, Silverhawk? Is that what you came to talk about?" It came out much quieter, and in an instant his detached air had dissipated, leaving behind his usual sniveling self.
Subject: Re: im not the same boy i was before [C] Tue 2 Jul 2024 - 8:48
SILVERHAWK
The darker the weather...
That Nightpaw’s voice held a little bite when he spoke of Rookfire made Silverhawk smile. There was an anger in the young tom that Silverhawk found early on in their training together, and while it seemed only duress could bring it out of him, it was nice to see regardless; bitterness, flashes of sarcasm… it was better than his constant sniveling, at least. And even that had started to ebb since Nightpaw’s new assignment. He seemed more sure-footed in the short time he’d been a medicine cat than he ever had as a warrior apprentice. Silverhawk could not quite decide how to feel about that. He wanted to resent Nightpaw for assuming the coward’s way out, for walking the piteous path of a healer… but his chest felt warm in spite of his best wishes. Silverhawk’s lip curled, just briefly, then smoothed again.
Nightpaw was brave enough, at least, to face his former mentor for the sake of this conversation. He sat down and lifted his chin to regard Silverhawk, and the larger tom tilted his chin right back. Something squirmed across Nightpaw’s features, through his eyes, though Silverhawk couldn’t read it. A desire, an impulse, a curiosity; perhaps all three. But then Silverhawk could no longer see his face, as the bravery sank out of Nightpaw and his head tilted downward. The familiar cloak of nerves wrapped around the little tom again and polluted the air. Silverhawk didn’t expect to see the fire of something in his eyes when Nightpaw looked up again, but it was there regardless of his expectations. The timidness he had been looking for was there, too, in an odd mixture. Then his question came.
”Blame you?” He echoed. He looked over Nightpaw again, eyes betraying nothing as he sized the young cat up. Then he turned his head to examine the den’s walls instead and said, ”No.” His tail curled further around his paws and twitched against his forelegs. Silverhawk was quiet for several beats again, then he repeated, ”No. I don’t blame you.” He sighed and turned back to look at Nightpaw again. When he spoke next, his voice was dry with an earnesty the apprentice had never had the privilege of hearing from him before.
”I wanted to see how you were handling it. That’s all.” An ear twitched and his eyes slid away again. ”I lost my mentor when I was young, too. More violently than you did, but regardless. I understand the position you’re in.” Silverhawk shifted. His honesty made him uncomfortable. Quickly, he wanted to press the subject back onto Nightpaw. The usual wryness was back in his voice. ”So? How is our medicine cat handling himself? Is this more suitable to you?”
Subject: Re: im not the same boy i was before [C] Sat 13 Jul 2024 - 21:45
nightpaw
A brief curl of Silverhawk's lip, and Nightpaw felt his claws flex almost subconsciously. They pierced the soft ground beneath him as his pelt prickled - well, was he going to say something? He could usually read most cats fairly well, but Silverhawk was impossible to read.
But the silence that hung between them wasn't hostile. As Silverhawk looked away, his gaze turning to look around the den, curiosity sparked within Nightpaw. It wasn't like Silverhawk to look away. Not like this. Finally, he spoke, and he seemed almost vulnerable. Sincere. He'd never seen him like this before, and he was almost sure he'd never see that vulnerability in the tom again. I wanted to see how you were handling it. That's all. He'd always had an idea of Silverhawk as this disapproving, almost antagonistic cat, the mentor that had never wanted him. And while Nightpaw knew he tended to over-exaggerate things, he'd never been confronted with reality like this before.
"I'm... sorry." It was odd, the warmth that tugged at him. He never would've thought he had anything in common with his former mentor. But as much as he wanted to express some sympathy, he knew that it would make Silverhawk uncomfortable if he pressed too far. He didn't want to scare him away or make him hostile. "I, uh... well, for what it's worth, I think you turned out just fine." His tone was quiet, but sincere all the same. He dipped his head in respect, and couldn't meet Silverhawk's gaze as the kind words left his lips.
Then, a change of topic. It was more than welcome. "Just fine. Honestly, I - I know you probably don't see the point of all... of all this -" Nightpaw gestured around the medicine den. "But I think I've found my place here. It's nice, uh, to feel like I'm an asset to my Clan instead of, y'know, flailing around all the time." His whiskers twitched in dry amusement.
Still, Nightpaw searched Silverhawk's gaze. For all of his budding confidence, he wanted to know Silverhawk honest opinion. Really, part of him wanted the tom's approval - even if he wasn't his mentor anymore. Something deep in his gaze seemed to ask it. Are you disappointed? Are you happy for me? Do you think I'm a coward? He was sure the latter was true.
Subject: Re: im not the same boy i was before [C] Sat 3 Aug 2024 - 10:26
SILVERHAWK
The darker the weather...
Nightpaw’s apology made Silverhawk’s skin prickle beneath his fur. He didn’t need the little tom’s pity. That wasn’t why he tried to relate to him. He needed no one’s pity. But the anger was fleeting, and further soothed by the continuing, hesitant tones of Nightpaw’s voice. I think you turned out just fine… Silverhawk wanted to scoff. No, he hadn’t. He knew that about himself. He was the greatest cat to walk the forest since their founders, yes-- but he was also some botched and cruel thing, now. Honeylight’s death had made him into something less than a cat. He had not turned out fine.
But these were not thoughts Nightpaw needed to be privy to. Silverhawk had already said too much, anyway. His thick tail unraveled from his legs to instead brush back and forth across the den floor. He listened while Nightpaw spoke. An asset… Silverhawk supposed he was that, now. He was their only official connection to the stars, their only medicine cat in name. And he was comfortable in the position. That uncomfortable mix of bitterness and pride settled in Silverhawk’s chest again.
”You’re right,” he mewed after a few beats. His tail went still again, though it did not curl back into place, instead remaining stretched lazily to the side. ”I don’t see the point in all this.” Silverhawk tipped his head curiously to the side. ”If StarClan sees you as the future of our Clan… then who am I to question them? But...” He hummed thoughtfully. He was quiet again, both to consider the words and to watch Nightpaw squirm. ”I think you would have made a good warrior, one day. I don’t really think you were ready for your ceremony when it came. But I wanted to see what you could do.
“You jump at shadows and flinch at stiff breezes. I rarely saw you talk to your denmates--except Hedge. Honestly, I don’t know how any cat so fearful could make it as a warrior.” Silverhawk dragged a sharp, half-hissed inhale through his teeth. He hated this raging discomfort that honesty left in him, the need to crawl desperately out of his skin. ”But on our first day of training, you stood up to me. You drew blood. I’ve seen you stand up for yourself to my brother. Anyone with eyes can see that you’re a coward, Nightpaw--but I could see that you can be more. I pushed you because I wanted you to understand that.” The speech surprised Silverhawk. Never had he reserved such warm thoughts for his former apprentice--was he only lying through his teeth? Or had they built secretly in his heart, out of his notice, since the day Nightpaw was entrusted to him? He didn't know the answer. That frightened him.
Silverhawk turned away again, looking nonchalantly over his shoulder, through the ferns that sheltered the stone den. ”I was rarely proud of you, but that doesn’t mean I never was. I wanted to watch you become a warrior ShadowClan could be proud of.” Silverhawk sighed. Slowly, he turned back around. He did not really feel up to facing Nightpaw directly, but he found the tuxedo’s eyes anyway. ”Even without a mentor, I think you’ll do fine. You’re already doing better than you were under my care.” The last words were laced with bitterness, but Silverhawk’s tone was smooth again when he spoke next. ”At any rate… I’m glad you found your footing here.” Oddly sincere; strange-tasting on his tongue. Silverhawk snorted, dull amusement, to clear the taste of emotion. ”You had to find it somewhere.”
Subject: Re: im not the same boy i was before [C] Fri 9 Aug 2024 - 22:27
nightpaw
Nightpaw was usually a quiet cat, but Silverhawk's speech stunned him into further silence. He'd expected the tom to be closed off. And he had been, after his admission; there was a tension in his shoulders that Nightpaw was beginning to know well. As... odd as their relationship was, it felt as though there was a steadily growing familiarity between them that the younger tom didn't know what to do with, or how to feel about. Perhaps it was better when he thought Silverhawk had hated him. Things were more black and white, then.
Discomfort settled beneath Nightpaw's pelt like infection. Yes, part of him had wanted his former mentor's approval... deep down, he supposed he'd always wanted it. But now that he had it? Now that Silverhawk was standing before him, admitting that privately, he'd always seen potential in him, even on their first day of training? He didn't know what to do with that information. Nightpaw had always been sure that he was a disappointment. That he'd never amount to anything as a warrior. It had been his truth for so long that he didn't know how to accept Silverhawk's admission otherwise.
The silence stretched on. Nightpaw knew he'd have to say something eventually. Anything. As sincerity bathed the warrior's words, Nightpaw turned away and looked at the stone wall. Facing him directly was growing impossible the longer the pair sat in silence. I was rarely proud of you, but that doesn't mean I never was. I think you would've made a good warrior, one day. The more Silverhawk spoke, the more the words weighed on him.
"It wasn't your fault," he finally said, defeat as much as guilt mingling on his tongue. "I'm sure you know that, I just..." Nightpaw sighed. Why was this so difficult? Why was it so hard to say what he wanted to say? "...Thank you. I may have made a good warrior one day - one very, very far off day - but I don't think I ever would've been satisfied. Not truly. This is the path I was meant for. No mentor could've made me into anything else."
Another beat of silence. As much as tension hung heavy in the air, some part of Nightpaw felt relieved. Honesty was painful, but knowing that someone had thought he could be something one day... it made his breath hitch in his throat. "You were the best mentor I could've asked for. And I - you... you deserved an apprentice better than me." His throat felt dry as he anticipated his own next words. It was much too honest, but... "I hated you and you didn't deserve that. In retrospect, I hated the stars. I hated the path everybody told me I had to travel, with no other choice or say in the matter. Never... really you. You were just the one I directed it towards."
Could Nightpaw say the real truth out loud? That as much as he'd hated it - hunting, fighting, patrolling made-up borders, stalking defenseless creatures - some part of him still missed the taste of blood in his mouth? Sometimes, when he was picking a thorn out of a warrior's paw or cleaning a wound, he found himself relishing the taste more than he should. Like he really did miss it, as rotten and vile as that was. I took an oath. But Silverhawk would understand - he was sure he would. Nightpaw squeezed his eyes shut, clenched his jaw, and kept his body turned away from the tom. "...If you ever find yourself with some spare time, I... well, I suppose I wouldn't mind a lesson or two." His voice was hoarse as he said it aloud.
Subject: Re: im not the same boy i was before [C] Mon 2 Sep 2024 - 13:00
SILVERHAWK
The darker the weather...
The silence that followed his admissions was thick. Silverhawk could feel it in his throat, even when he swallowed to try and clear the sticking. As uncomfortable as it was, the breaking of it was almost work. Green eyes blinked slowly at his former apprentice as Nightpaw finally gathered himself enough to speak--to give thanks, to show deference. The following expression of resentment was far more familiar, and so more comfortable. But even that came with a caveat. Silverhawk was not the true object of hatred; only the scapegoat.
His paws shifted over the ground again. He realized Nightpaw was the one cat he did not want to like or respect him. Had he really been a good mentor at all? He thought and thought and he came to the decision that he hadn’t. Nightpaw’s hatred was misplaced only because it was not intended for him. Whatever Silverhawk’s motivations--even unknown to him until now, even if Nightpaw needed and deserved the pressure, even if he had the right to act untoward--he had been unkind. He was not quite brave enough to admit the word cruel. For the first time, Silverhawk decided he had been far from the best at something. Maybe a kinder cat would have done better by Nightpaw, even if the apprentice had his reservations about a different mentorship.
But there had been no kinder cat. There had only been Silverhawk, and he was far from good or kind. The idea of botchedness circled into his mind again, as it often did. He and Nightpaw each were half-formed, failed experiments in raising a good warrior. Silverhawk scoffed inwardly with the sentiment. Perhaps that was what made them such a disjointed yet perfect fit.
Silverhawk angled his head. His eyes had slid away from Nightpaw again, but they returned to the smaller tom now; watched him shift away with his eyes screwed up and jaw set tight. The words he managed to grit out, like every other syllable that had fallen in this den, gave Silverhawk pause. His ears flickered back and forth with his surprise. Then, slowly, the usual wry smile he wore wormed its way back onto his expression. Silverhawk snorted, and then he laughed--a proper, almost mirthful sound, one that made his shoulders shake a bit. All that time cowering in the face of his duties, and now when he’d been freed of them, Nightpaw wanted to request extra lessons?
He was an odd one. There was no doubt in Silverhawk’s mind that he would serve ShadowClan well.
”I’m a busy cat,” he sniffed, as if offended by the suggestion. ”I don’t have the time to spare on just anyone.” Silverhawk’s tail waved across the ground. If Nightpaw would look at him again, he would find a rare softness pressing in on the corners of his former mentor’s mouth. ”But I suppose I can make something work. I don’t want our sole medicine cat to be defenseless.”
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