Well, this was certainly strange, Beechfang reflected. Rueful thoughts ran through her head as the leader ceremony unfurled in front of her. The Riverclan deputy who had taken part in her leader’s quest for vengeance was not who Beechfang had expected or even thought to give a life to. The stars in their infinite mockery of her seemed to have other ideas. Beechfang wondered at that as the ceremony went on, cats she didn’t know and didn’t care to know giving lives and advice and support to the cat who would soon lead the clan she had held little but indifference bordering on dislike at best for. She was not the only outsider here among the Riverclanner’s ceremony, at least. Birdstar’s presence was a comfort, even as Beechfang despaired at her daughter being present at all. That none of the cats she had expected to be life-givers in this ceremony had still not approached... Perhaps she could give her own life and advice, as unwanted as it might be, and then retreat back to the comforts of her own clan and her own friends.
Finally, it was her turn to step forward. Beechfang could feel the eyes that burned into her starry pelt as she approached Poppyshine in silence, coming to a stop before the dilute calico. Beechfang’s pelt had been restored to its’ former beauty in death, aided by the starlight that shimmering through silver and white tabby fur. Gone were the scars that had lined her back, her flanks, gone were the spiraling and twisting scars created by lightning that had marred the later half of her life. Two eyes regarded the she-cat in front of her rather than just one.
"I am, perhaps, the last cat you would like to see standing before you. The stars mock us, best get used to it." Was all she offered by way of greeting.
Poppyshine’s eyes widened as it took her a moment to recognize what cat was before her. A tiny startled,
“Oh,” escaped her but she could not find the words for anything else. Beechfang…The last cat she would have expected to give her a life. She was uncertain how cats were chosen to give lives, if they volunteered or they were chosen or both–but it was still a startling surprise to see her. Chills ran down her spine and guilt ate at her stomach too. She would never forgive Beechfang for what she had done to Cloverheart, but the circumstances of her death had still felt cruel to Poppyshine. The conflicting emotions clashed in her chest and clogged her throat, keeping her voice at bay from whatever else she may have dared to speak.
"You are about to walk a path that many generations of my family have walked. Countless more of us have been medicine cats, or deputies who died in that rank. Were it up to me, neither Birdstar or Wolfstar would have taken that path, nor would two of their siblings have become medicine cats." And now their own kin continued the trend that had haunted their family for generations. Too much responsibility at far too young an age.
"You are older than many who have ascended to fill the pawsteps that lay before you. I’ve seen what leadership does to cats who thought they were ambitious enough to hold it and were proven wrong. I’ve seen what it does to those young and naive enough to think they can solve all their answers with fighting. I’ve seen those old and worn down by the burden on their shoulders. It ends the same way, every time."Poppyshine’s eyes cast downward. Visions of the fighting filled her mind and she had to briefly close her eyes at the intensity of it all. Her life had been blessed with little fighting, but it left
that battle, the one that had shattered an alliance and claimed numerous lives, absolutely horrifying in her memory. If Poppyshine could avoid a battle like that needing to take place again, then she would be happy in her leadership.
"With this life I grant you something too many of us don’t learn until it’s too late. Something too many of us don’t learn until we’ve buried clanmates. With this life I grant you restraint." Beechfang leaned down, pressing her nose to Poppyshine’s. It was not a pleasant life to give. It was filled with the ugliness and pain of all her own wrong decisions. Of the rash bloodthirst she had once prided herself on. It was seeing her friends and family injured and dead as the consequence of her own actions. It was Bearpaw striking Cloverheart at the gathering, it was Beechfang’s claws holding the wretched medicine cat beneath the water as she had thrashed. Windclan’s elders. Her many, many fights with her father and grandfather over so many petty things. Bringing kits into a dangerous world where Dawnhawk was Skyclan’s ‘deputy.’ All the grief that her own lack of restraint had caused, both to herself and others. It was the agony she had felt when she finally did exercise restraint, while every fiber in her being had screamed to end things with more of what had already led to disaster after disaster. Short-sighted actions that had led only to tasting bitter ashes in the end. To go charging into war to return to Skyclan’s camp painted red and her most cherished family destroyed. The regret had haunted her for seasons and she did not care to hide it beneath bristling anger. Beechfang knew the trouble she had caused with her recklessness and temper over the years. Poppyshine had known only some of it.
"Waiting, learning to think things through before you act... I tried to impart that advice to my kits, you know." A short laugh escaped her,
"And now I impart that advice to you. Some of your predecessors have been no different than I was. Even your beloved Perchstar – she acted exactly in the manner of the cat she hated most. Too blind to see it, just like I was. Things did not have to end with so much death, I think even you realize that." Beechfang stepped away, tail flicking. The brief hint of regret, of sorrow and pain that she had allowed Poppyshine to glimpse while receiving the life vanishing and leaving her expression unreadable as she regarded the deputy and future leader of a clan she’d held little love for. Perhaps she had found herself here to try to help break the cycle. Maybe Poppyshine would need less help than others. Beechfang did not know her well enough at all to say.
"I'd rather not see you standing here any time soon. Use the gifts you’ve been given and lead your clan well." The tabby turned and stalked back to the starry place she had claimed for herself during the ceremony with her head and tail held high. She would exercise the restraint she had just preached about by not even glancing in the direction of a few cats who she knew full well were watching. She would be watching them in turn, but Beechfang was done speaking.
As Beechfang returned to the crowd, Poppyshine watched her go, speechless. She did not know what to expect when the large tabby had appeared, and this life was not close to what she may have imagined. A life of restraint…The ability to hold back, to not give into emotions. It seemed to clash with Ivystar’s life of resolve, but perhaps they could go together, too. Resolution for justice and restraint to not go too far in the pursuit of it. Poppyshine would have to think more on it, and on the overwhelming emotions that Beechfang had briefly imparted on her. Poppyshine was not naive enough to believe that Beechfang was simply a monster like no other, but to experience a fraction of the experiences behind what she had become–it was something else entirely.
Many of the faces gathered here were ones Cloverheart expected to see; Poppyshine’s kin, or those she’d been close to in life. That was, as she’d heard, how these ceremonies often went. Two cats in particular stood out, though: the large figures of two SkyClan cats, seated away from the majority. Cloverheart watched them closely, though her eyes didn’t burn with the same scorn they once might have. She was merely made curious by their presence. Beechfang made moved to speak to Poppyshine first, which made Cloverheart snort with a bitter sort of half-amusement that
she should get to speak to her old friend first… but then it was her turn. Cloverheart watched Beechfang disappear fully back into the crowd before she rose to her paws. While she walked to take her place before Poppyshine, she wondered where all her anger had gone. She knew it’d burned away during their earlier conversation, but it felt so foreign to regard the mother-daughter pair without rage threatening to burn her form to star-dust.
Shaking her head, Cloverheart cleared her thoughts and turned forward again. Finally, she stood in front of Poppyshine. She regarded the calico for a few moments, in the same manner she took in every interaction, before a wide smile broke out across her maw.
”Poppyshine,” she said softly.
”I wish I could’ve been with you for everything. I’ve been keeping a close eye on RiverClan, though. And you know what?” Her head fell slightly to the side and her smile got just a little softer.
”You have been a wonderful deputy. I knew you would be.” She and Perchstar were a formidable pair. There would be a definite hole left in the leader’s absence, but Cloverheart knew Poppyshine would rise to the occasion. She already had, clinging to old adages from Cloverheart herself.
Yet another familiar face that left Poppyshine choked up with emotion. The whiplash of going from the murderer, Beechfang, to the one she had murdered, Cloverheart, left Poppyshine dizzy. Cloverheart looked lively just as she did in life. Poppyshine moved a step closer and resisted pressing up against her friend. Cloverheart had turned into an almost mythic figure in RiverClan since her death: a subject of a boogeyman that had stalked the forest. But she was only ever just a cat in Poppyshine’s eyes. A cat that had given her the advice that kept her going through loss and tragedy and heartbreak. The first medicine cat she had known, the one to help her through a dreamless sleep in place of her moonstone, the cat who first taught her anything about herbs, and the cat who had died senselessly and started years-long heartbreak in the clan. Her friend, a myth, a ghost–a cat.
”I would love to spend time catching up… but you have a Clan to lead. I won’t keep you.” Her eyes crinkled at the corners.
”Poppyshine. With this, I give you the life of judgment. Use it, alongside resolve, to inflict consequence where it’s due. And...” Before she leaned forward to press their noses together, Cloverheart looked back through the crowd, searching for Beechfang again. She held the tabby’s eyes for a moment before turning back around.
”Make good decisions. About character; about your actions, and others. It’s easy to let your emotions get the best of you.” Her whiskers twitched. She hated to admit that she knew the folly well.
”Try not to let them cloud your head. Remain fair and clear-minded.” When she leaned in and touched their noses together, the life that passed between them. It wasn’t the fiercest of lives--gentler than the one preceding it, at least--but still, it zipped into Poppyshine with a blaze.
When the flame began to ease, Cloverheart pulled away to regard Poppyshine again.
”I really do want to say,” she said with a twinge of wistfulness.
”I’ve missed you, Poppyshine. Now, that said,” a characteristically barky laugh left her,
”Take your time coming back, do you hear me? I’ve missed you this long. I better not see you again anytime soon.” Cloverheart started to step back when her features started to soften again.
”Lead them well, Poppyshine. I know you will.” With that and a low bow of respect, Cloverheart retreated to take her place near Perchstar again.
A tiny laugh escaped Poppyshine at Cloverheart’s gentle jabs. She called,
“I’ve missed you too, Cloverheart.” There was so much she wanted to say. She wanted Clover to know how much her advice–advice which Cloverheart probably didn’t even remember saying–meant to her, and how she’d missed her most weeks of the year and and and…And it was not the time. They could catch up in the future, when she joined them among the stars, and no sooner. This was not the time or place for such things. So Poppyshine let the words die away and she quietly promised to catch up with her properly when her life had finally come to its end.
Birdstar was grateful for her mother’s presence. Without the large, stalwart form of Beechfang nearby, she might not have made it through the ceremony. Unkind eyes rested on them both. Even in this hallowed corner reserved for Poppyshine’s naming, tension brewed. She especially could not stand to be near Perchstar, every glance toward the she-cat causing her throat to tighten as if gripped by phantom teeth. But there was no war here; there would be no war here. There was only…
Poppyshine.
The other reason Birdstar did not flee from this assignment. If Beechfang’s presence hadn’t been requested, then it was the incoming leader that held Birdstar in place. In her last weeks of life, she’d come to accept the conclusion that Poppyshine would hate her for the lies, for the war she caused. Poppyshine
deserved to hate her for it. But none of that concern followed Birdstar into death. She was only able to see one of her oldest friends in Poppyshine’s face when she looked at the calico from afar. No enemy lied there, no font of scorn. Just Poppyshine, helping to tether Birdstar’s kneading paws to the star-filled earth. Just Poppyshine. Birdstar could feel her chest squeeze, but her phantom body produced no pain to accompany the contraction.
Eventually, her turn came. Beechfang had gone away, and shortly after the wretched little Cloverheart came to take her place, and now she departed as well. It took a few moments for Birdstar’s paws to unroot, long enough to let Poppyshine wonder, but she eventually made her way forward. No immediate greeting came when she stepped up. Pale green eyes leveled on Poppyshine as Birdstar tipped her head down to regard the smaller calico, and there Birdstar held her through beats of quiet. Then, with an impossible softness that surprised even herself, she simply whispered,
”Poppyshine. My friend.”Perhaps it should have been obvious with Beechfang being here that her daughter would be too. Poppyshine was closer with her, after all. But Birdstar’s appearance was still a surprise. Poppyshine’s eyes widened as the large molly stepped toward her and she found that for the moment, she could not breathe. Emotions flooded through her like her own blood. It was overwhelming and left her eyes damp once more. It was a different feeling than what she had felt seeing her children or friends from her clan. There was surprise and a tightness in her chest and grief and joy and and overwhelming feeling of having missed Birdstar and happiness at seeing her hear, all pressed down beneath the heavy weight of all that had passed in the months leading up to Birdstar’s death. Even still, Poppyshine heard their laughter in the back of her mind, and saw leaffall leaves thrown up into the sky as they ran and jumped and rolled through the piles of orange leaves that had fallen from trees. Her heart felt like it would pop.
Birdstar’s urge to bend down and press her face into Poppyshine’s neck was a strong one. Whether as apology or affectionate embrace, the contact seemed necessary. But Birdstar withheld. Her jaw flexed with the effort it took to resist. She just bowed her head in a low, low nod.
”It’s good to see you again. I wish… I wish it weren’t like this.” She grimaced and sighed.
”And I’m sorry for your loss. Perchstar was...” Her eyes slid back, briefly searching for the two-toned molly amidst the crowd before returning forward.
”Perchstar was a good leader. She was a good friend, as well.” The words felt bitter and fetid in her mouth, but they were spoken with absolute honesty.
The tight feeling grew even tighter, leaving Poppyshine suffocating in front of Birdstar. She could see the bitterness that the thought of Perchstar brought, but she could also see the honesty. They were friends, once upon a time, and Poppyshine hated that Birdstar’s actions had brought that to an end. Perchstar’s friendship with Birdstar and Mottlestar had truly brought her joy–and with it, the betrayal had shattered Perchstar to pieces. Any inkling of happiness had been lost to Perchstar and that knowledge weighed heavily in Poppyshine’s mind.
”I know you’ll make a wonderful leader, too. You are already intelligent and strong and kind without StarClan’s gifts. RiverClan will be in good paws with you.” Even the best leaders forgot their ability under the pressures of the role. Birdstar understood the feeling well. She could not keep Poppyshine from forgetting, when the inevitable day came, but she could impart her faith now and hope it would be supportive in the future.
”In that vein… the life I bear for you is not one you need to be granted. Despite the recent events between our Clans, you extended this to me when I was a new deputy. I’m sure you’ve done the same for many, many others.”Birdstar bent low, pausing just before their noses would touch.
”Poppyshine, I grant you the life of friendship,” she whispered.
”Do not forget, in the hardships of being a leader, what good you might find in others. Do not forget the joy and support your friends wish to give you. Spend your time in good company, and the world will not seem as cruel as it is.” Then she pressed their noses together. The life that flowed between them was gentler than others; warm and refreshing, like new-leaf breezes. It carried memories of laughter in the trees, of the river babble underlining an easy conversation, of a run through the leaves in unfamiliar land. Birdstar lingered in the touch even when the rush of transference began to ebb. Only after several moments did she pull away to regard Poppyshine again.
”And, selfishly,” she went on while still leaning close,
”I hope you do not forget the friendship we had. I know I won’t, for however long I remain in SkyClan.” A smile played at her maw; one that was tired, and a bit terribly sad, but still soft at every edge affection.
”I believe I loved you, Poppyshine, a little more than friendship can express, and I believe I will for a very long time. Don’t forget that.” Then Birdstar gave into the urge to rest her head around the back of Poppyshine’s neck.
Poppyshine’s eyes were wide as Birdstar rested against her.
Love. The word echoed through Poppyshine’s ears and bounced off the walls of her skull. Love. Birdstar loved her. And with that word finally spoken, Poppyshine realized all at once what that tangled emotion inside of her chest was. It was love; love for the cat who was from another clan; love for the cat who she had been deputies side-by-side with if only for a moment; love for the cat she had so dearly called a friend; love for the cat she had spoken with across the river and run through leaves with; love for the cat who had let a murderer back into her clan; love for a cat who loved her mother dearly enough to risk everything; love for a cat who had lied; love for a cat who loved too much; love for Birdstar. Her friend. All of those emotions of grief and sorrow and joy and happiness and confusion and betrayal, all piled up under the coating of love that had made the aftermath of that battle so grief. Another cat she loved, taken from her the moment
love was whispered into existence.
She pressed her face into Birdstar’s neck in turn, momentarily letting her face be covered by the fluff around her friend’s neck. Just for a second, they were shielded together and Poppyshine’s heart ached in her chest. Maybe there was a timeline where things worked out better, where somehow this love could have been more than fleeting thoughts between them. That timeline was not now. Whatever could have been was gone and there would be no getting it back. So, for just this moment, Poppyshine allowed herself a selfish embrace of Birdstar one last time.
The embrace lasted only a moment-- an instant far, far too achingly short --before Birdstar pulled away so as avoid any sneers from their many spectators. When she leaned away, Birdstar laughed, and her voice rose above the private volume she’d maintained.
”That said, I hope I don’t see you anytime soon. I want you to lead for a good, long time, Poppyshine.” Her eyes softened, and Birdstar spent several minutes just taking Poppyshine in before she took a step back.
”Lead and live well. We’ll all be looking out for you.” She said with a final smile before retreating into the crowd, returning to her place beside her mother.
Perchstar had planned to go up as soon as she could. Watching everyone else speak with Poppyshine took all of her strength, especially when the two SkyClan cats had been so close to her. The final life before hers, however, necessitated a brief pause. She’d been unhappy with Birdstar’s presence in the first place, but willing to stay where she belonged in the crowd. After all, the monster could not possibly hurt her here in the stars. But that was where her tolerance began and ended. Everything piled on, one after the other, until the last straw. The declaration of condolences she could barely stomach, the unnecessary embrace that set her fur bristling, and now the words spoken that confirmed her most nightmarish worries. The knowledge that Poppyshine’s hatred for the war with SkyClan
had been born of ulterior motives, whether she’d been conscious of the fact or not... and that Birdstar had condemned their Clans to war with each other even while harboring
affections--as much as the word sent a tremor through her spine--for her deputy. Truly, her hypocrisy knew no end.
Perchstar was tired of the feud. She wished to lay it to rest. She should have closed her ears to the entire interaction and remained ignorant. Still, the oafish way that Birdstar remained sitting there and ogling Poppyshine for several minutes remained too much for the leader to bear. Stars curse the gifts of passion and love that raced through her even now. She hadn’t been able to give up her stubbornness in life, and nothing had changed in death. When the former SkyClan leader finally began her walk back to the crowd, before she could take shelter with her mother, Perchstar stepped forward.
At first she said nothing. The two of them stood there, eyes locked... No amount of words could mend whatever friendship they’d once shared, not even Birdstar’s insipid words earlier. Even those had carried the past tense. Mottlestar’s mauled body still lay between them, staining both sets of paws, a gulf too wide to cross. But Mottlestar stood safe now in the stars. That grudge had expired. Instead, the knowledge that the SkyClan cat’s heart had been set on her dearest friend was what turned Perchstar’s spiritual veins to ice. No need to let it show on her face. There would be no bloodshed here. No claws, no fangs, no red maws. But while the RiverClan leader’s death had swallowed up the majority of her anger and unhappiness, that did not mean she would stand aside while a murderer made eyes at Poppyshine.
She leaned forward--on the same side where she’d once struck her former friend--and brushed her muzzle lightly against the larger she-cat’s ear. Quietly, she spoke, and while no breath of the living would stir her fur, the frigid chill and emotionless neutrality of the words remained clear.
”If you ever touch her again,” Perchstar murmured slowly,
”I’ll make what Cloverheart did to you look like a mercy.”That was all she had to say. Lingering any further on this would sour what little peace she’d been able to claw from the stars’ reluctant paws. She couldn’t leave it untouched... but now that she’d said her piece, that was all she would say. With any luck, it was all she would ever have to say to her former friend.
Perchstar turned to go. She did not wish to waste a moment more of her time on those who did not deserve it. She had not come here to reawaken old aches... she had come to honor Poppyshine and offer what gifts and reassurance she could. And that was what she would do.
Dovesight had not been happy with the SkyClan cats’ presence in the ceremony. Especially not when they had killed some of their Clanmates. Her eyes trailed to Cloverheart briefly, the medicine cat before her who had been taken too soon.
But it was the words Birdstar said to her closest friend that sent a chill up her spine. Birdstar
loved her? They had been deputies in different Clans, in
warring Clans. Even Dovesight couldn’t help the way her fur stood on end at the thought. She knew Poppyshine had a tendency to be friendly. She was the kindest, most forgiving cat she had ever met. Poppyshine had always reached her paw to any cat that would take it, no matter how bad the cat. To think the SkyClan leader had taken advantage of those affections, and had the audacity to say she
loved her?
Dovesight took a deep breath. Poppyshine knew better. She would know how to handle this. She just hoped she would choose her Clan, and the cats
in her Clan.
However, when Perchstar approached Birdstar, the tension in her muscles rose all over again.
The war was behind them, and yet there was still animosity between the two leaders. For a moment, Dovesight thought she might have to step in, to prevent a fight from breaking out. The air was so heavy with tension, it was like she could hardly breathe. And she didn’t even
have to breathe.
Thankfully, Perchstar moved on, and Dovesight let out a sigh of relief. Maybe this ceremony could continue after all.
Beechfang’s ears twitched at her daughter’s words as she spoke to Riverclan’s soon-to-be leader. Birdstar had been oddly friendly with her, she had known that. But… Love? Perhaps the loss of one of her lives had truly hurt Birdstar. Love, for a Riverclanner? One who supported her own mother’s exile? Who had gone to war with them? Birdstar lacked standards, clearly. And common sense. Both unfortunately lacking in many of their family, but Beechfang was still disappointed that their lack had seemed to pass over her beloved daughter. The old tabby did not step forward, did not hiss and growl as Perchstar did. The former leader’s words to Birdstar made her want to continue that battle, to tackle Perchstar for her hostility… But Beechfang refrained. That did not mean she wasn’t disappointed, however. Yellow-green eyes stared at Birdstar (and Perchstar too), stony disapproval evident even though Beechfang remained silent.
Poppyshine did not pay much mind to the quiet growling and glances between the cats of the stars. She was a little too busy wiping at her sopping cheeks after so many tears shed. She felt dizzy. She had received eight lives and now a ninth would be bestowed onto her. Poppyshine had caught glimpses of the last cat lingering in the crowd and she took several deep breaths to steel herself. Perchstar had been a strong cat in life, but she had been broken down by the end. Her final breaths had spoken of love, but it was still a difficult final image of her friend to hold onto. She could only hope that Perchstar had found some semblance of peace in this afterlife.
Near the end of her life, Perchstar had looked haggard. Even when she managed to find time to immaculately groom her fur, the shadows beneath her eyes and the sunken cast of her neutral face had belied her attempts to appear well. She’d been exhausted, worn thin by the losses and griefs and sorrows of leadership. But here in the stars, she could not look more different. She
glowed. And not just from the bright lights that gleamed, scattered through every inch of her--the shining came from inward. The light blue of her eyes, so often cold and icy, felt almost warmer in the starlit reflections of the plains. Instead of ragged edges, the grays and whites of her pelt appeared softer. Though her expression remained neutral still, it appeared more gentle than it had in life. Peace radiated from her.
Of course, life in the stars was still not perfect. She still worried for those left behind, those who lived on below her and whom she could not protect. The anxiety had not vanished. She still cared, deeply and violently, for her kits and her friends and her Clanmates. However... the passion faded more often now into tranquility. Without her own life on the line, without her own decisions causing ripples in the ever-still pools of the forest, she could have more time. More time to think, more time to feel... more time to rest. Rest that had not been possible.
However, all of this time in the stars would have been unbearable if not for the knowledge that she would be able to see them again. She would be able to greet them again, to keep the promises to those that she loved.
”I love you. I will be with you, always... even when you cannot see me. And I will watch and be proud of every moment.”She had told the truth. Ever since she’d left, she had been watching intently, and every moment stabbed with new pain afresh in her heart. Naming a new deputy. Cleaning up the leaders’ den. Offering comfort and care. Every tear falling from Poppyshine’s eyes, every moment of doubt or exhaustion or grief, all ached deeply with a pain she’d never had to feel before. She had always been there for them... but now, they would have to be without her. The agony of being unable to reach those she loved was a sharp sorrow that she would have to become accustomed to.
But, now... now she did not have to worry about it. Because Poppyshine was
here.Perchstar had hardly been able to wait her turn. The moment she’d known that her friend would finally be making the trek to the Moonstone, she had paced back and forth through the starry, grassy plains. She’d been the first of the crowd to arrive. If she’d been allowed, she would have been at the deputy’s side for the entire ceremony. Instead, she restrained herself--barely managing to sit back in the crowd due only to the strength imbued by the presence of other Clanmates like Minksplash, Sandyshell and Dovesight. She wanted to run forward and throw her dignity away. She would be consigned to the Dark Forest forever if that was what it took. She needed to
be with Poppyshine. To see the she-cat standing so close and yet so far, to see the myriad emotions that flashed across her face and not be able to offer her own, made her paws prickle. But eventually it all faded. Her animosity towards Beechfang and Birdstar, her love for her nieces and her Clanmates... when silence fell, everything else vanished like a puff of smoke.
Emptiness there, in front of Poppyshine. A space that she could now fill. Her phantom heart sped its beating with a loud rush of blood to her ears.
They had been apart for so long. But now, she was here... right now, she was here. Right now they did not have to be apart and she did not have to worry about how horribly, terribly long nine lifetimes without her friend sounded.
Sitting and listening to everyone else had been agonizing, but now it was finally her turn. No longer bound by the constraints of patience and propriety, Perchstar strode forward out of the crowd, her steps quick and purposeful, her gaze focused forward on the reason for her attendance. On her apprentice. Her deputy. Her friend.
She did not stop to sit majestically in front of Poppyshine like so many else had. Instead, Perchstar’s momentum did not halt, did not even slow until she was right up against her friend, twining herself around the smaller she-cat in an embrace, resting her head at the nape of her neck. Close like this, she could almost feel herself becoming more corporeal... corporeal enough to give the hug that she wished she could have been capable of bestowing during their lifetimes. For once, Poppyshine would not have to initiate. Perchstar pressed closer, closer, until only the colors of their fur could distinguish where leader ended and deputy began. Quietly the starry-furred she-cat let out an exhale of relief.
“Poppy,” she whispered.
She could not say anything else. Not for a few moments.
Poppyshine stared up at the stars as Perchstar hugged her. Ever since she was assigned to be Perchstar’s apprentice, it had always been her giving physical affection to Perchstar. Hugs and brushes of their pelts and resting on top of her and grooming her fur and nuzzling their cheeks together. She knew that Perchstar appreciated the gestures, but it was never hers to start. Yet now here her friend was, pressing against her so intently and warm. A shaking breath left Poppyshine and her feeble attempts to dry her cheeks were for naught as fresh tears wetted them again.
“Perch,” she croaked, voice thin and weak, but full of love all the same.
Perchstar looked happy. She looked
happy to Poppyshine. No longer was she weighed down by the responsibilities of being a leader, and the stars that decorated her pelt made her glow. Poppyshine mourned the fact that Perchstar could not hold such life and light when she still lived, but at least she was happy now. It was comforting to know.
For Perchstar, everything else had no consequence. The presence of the SkyClanners, forgotten. The pain of loneliness, forgotten. The former sins and weights of her previous life, washed away like silt in the river. Perchstar did not want to move. She wanted to stay here forever, to remain in this spot and never relinquish this embrace. Somehow... somehow, the small calico had become the most important cat to her in the world. Though she dearly loved her kits, her Mottlestar, and her other friends and family members... if she had not had Poppyshine, it all would have crumbled to dust. It would all crumble without her again. But reality pressed in on her senses, sharper and sharper, and eventually she had to pull back. A slow sigh compressed itself from her lungs as she released her friend from the uncharacteristically tight hug and stepped back.
Light blue eyes studied Poppyshine’s face as though committing it to memory--as though forgetting such a face would ever be possible. Perchstar’s face was not in the large smile it should have been, but more a concentrated softness, an expression of affection from the normally stonelike she-cat.
”Poppy,” she said again. Her voice, completely void of neutrality, came with the low huskiness of honesty. Her real voice.
”I cannot express how good it is to see you. I have missed you... oh, so much. I do not know how I will stand this time apart.” It was selfish of her to express this emotion... but now that she was already dead, consequences did not carry the threat they once had. However, she shook her head ruefully at the indignity of her actions. Poppyshine did not need to be told.
”Still, you must promise to live each of your lives to the fullest. Do not hurry back. Though I will welcome your presence... there are so many who still need you. RiverClan still needs you.”Over the length of her own leadership, Perchstar had rarely considered it as reality--the knowledge that she would be gone one day. She’d wished for it and cursed its inevitability in turns, but... this, this moment right now, was the endpoint of her choices. This was where she’d led Poppyshine by naming her as deputy two years ago. This was the path she had opened up when she guessed what her little apprentice had the capacity to someday become. And now... now, the vision stood before her. In all her splendor, the calico she-cat stood, arraigned with the glory of the stars and crowned with her own achievements. A long, full deputyship of advice and care. Good cats raised under her tutelage. A legacy of love already behind her, and so much more in front of her. Achievements none else could claim. RiverClan was lucky; they would be blessed with the best leader ever to grace the forest.
Poppyshine looked up at her friend and she smiled through the tears that flooded her eyes. Her heart twisted in the best and worst way. She understood how Perchstar felt. It had only been a week since her friend had moved onto the Silverpelt but it had felt like a lifetime already. She said,
“I promise. I-I’ll take my time. But I’ll miss you every step of the way. I–I miss you so much already.” She still had wished for years and years with her friend. She still felt cheated by only having gotten another couple of moons with her since she told Perchstar that. And now, knowing that she would not see Perchstar again for who-knows-how-long…It hurt. It made her chest ache. But she would not rush towards another reunion. Perchstar was right: her clan needed her. She would not abandon them so swiftly.
One white paw reached out, placing itself atop Poppyshine’s. A familiar gesture from the many hours they had spent together. For so long, the deputy had been forced to comfort the leader... but now that time was gone. Now, she was beholden to no one. She bowed before no one. All respect and honor belonged to her. Perchstar inclined her head in a measure of respect--a gesture given to who would be the new leader of RiverClan.
”I am so, so proud of you. You have done so much, learned so much. You have become a strong, wonderful warrior, and you deserve nothing less than all of the benefits of leadership you will now receive. You also deserve the love and admiration that your Clanmates give you.” It was almost strange, to think back on how they had been so long ago when the terms of leader and deputy applied newly to each of them. But Poppyshine still had that light in her eyes. Sharper now, with more fire and more hard-won wisdom, but still with the beauty and kindness for which she had been named.
”Interacting with others, gaining their trust and their love, has always been one of your strengths. That will follow you for the rest of your life. Your Clan loves you, and you love them in turn. All around you will be blessed by your capacity to both give and receive that love. It is something that I always struggled with, on both ends... but you have no such struggles. You will be such a wonderful leader, Poppy. I know it.”Perchstar wished that she could be the picture of the dignified leader, like how Ivystar had been at her own ceremony. She wished she could offer the imposing and powerful figure she had always attempted to be in life. But now, in death, unable to do anything for those she loved but watch and wait... she did not feel powerful. In fact, as much as she tried to swallow the impulse, she had to ask a favor of Poppyshine. A favor, requested from the dead to the living. Something Perchstar would no longer be able to do. A responsibility that she would no longer be able to fulfill. Briefly, a shadow passed across her face. She glanced back, as if remembering all those who awaited Poppyshine’s return... and all those who still mourned Perchstar’s loss. When she spoke again, the leader’s voice took on a quieter cast.
“I have something that I must ask of you. Will you... look after my kits, please?” A difficult thing to ask. Poppyshine had always been more of a caretaker to them than anything, since they had no father and Perchstar always found herself busy, so she should not have had to ask, but she could not keep herself from talking. The words fell quickly from her mouth.
”It is hard on them, I know. It is... hard on me, also, to be so far away. So please, keep an eye out for them, if you would. Willowwisp has always been far too hard on herself. She needs acknowledgement and respect--more than I could ever give. Mistwaker needs companionship and understanding, and to not feel useless. Wrensong... poor Wren. Sorrow keeps trying to snuff out her light. I know you have always suffered the same. Please, reach out to her. Show her the joy that life still carries. Do not let any of them feel guilt. You should not feel guilt, either. If you could all take solace in each other, and protect each other, then I will rest somewhat easier.” “Of course I will,” Poppyshine replied immediately. She already had planned to. The focus on individual cats had momentarily been lost with camp clean-up, mourning, and preparing to get her lives. Now, she would be sure to check in with cats on their own–and especially Perchstar’s children, now that she has asked her to.
“They will be happy to hear that you are doing well in StarClan. I’m sure of it.”Perchstar closed her eyes, the tightness in her shoulders relaxing. As always... Poppyshine would not let her down.
”Thank you.”With that out of the way, Perchstar knew that she could not keep postponing. She had a duty. Poppyshine had been given many lives so far: excitement, love, perseverance, trust, justice, restraint, friendship. Many of which she already had in abundance. However, Perchstar knew her deputy well--knew her better than almost any other cat beneath the sky. She knew Poppyshine’s many, many virtues... and the few things with which she struggled. And so the stars had trusted her with the task of giving her final life. The linchpin. The last thing to tie it all together. She had to step out of her desire to speak to her friend so casually, and instead return to her capacity as leader. Perchstar squared her shoulders and drew herself up, back to her full height. Her expression cleared to its usual calm. When she spoke, her voice still retained its honesty, without the cloaking of neutrality--but it also carried the undertone of power that had become second nature, the commanding lilt that called her Clanmates together. The voice of a leader.
“Being a leader... is difficult,” she said.
”I am sure you are under no misapprehension of your duties. You saw me labor under the weight of it, and now, that labor will become yours. But with the many blessings you have been granted, and with the insurmountable strength you have already developed, I have faith in your capabilities. I believe that you will be able to bear such a burden far better than I. You have been trained for it, schooled and practiced, and your unbreakable spirit will be a great asset to you and to RiverClan. However... there is one life yet that you must be granted. One that I have the great privilege of giving to you.”Light blue eyes gazed carefully at Poppyshine.
“When you are a leader, you will have to make decisions. These decisions will be difficult ones. Often, there will not be a clear right or wrong. You may have to consign cats to death to save others. You may need to lead your Clan into battle, even if you abhor the idea of violence or if you love your enemy. You may need to choose peace even when fighting might be more prudent. You will have to choose what is right for the needs of the many--what is right for you, and for those whom it is your duty to shepherd.” She spoke from experience... from two long, terrible years of experience. Once, she had thought to pursue peace. Other times she had attempted to pursue justice. In both seasons, she had been both correct and incorrect. Her choices led to joy and to ruin. She would never know, not even now, what could have happened... and it pained her. It would pain Poppyshine, too. She wished that she could take the burden away even as she gave it, but such a thing was not possible.
”However, no one can tell you what is right. I cannot. The stars cannot. Sometimes, there will be no ‘right’ choice. Sometimes... pain and misery will follow either path. In times like that, you cannot stay your paws. You cannot shy away from choosing simply because the choices do not appeal to you. As leader, you can no longer afford to hesitate or to falter.” A difficult lesson to learn, and an even harder one to continue in practice when push came to shove. But it was something Poppyshine would have to figure out.
“In times such as what I have described, you must make a choice, and you must believe that it is right. Not for your own sake, but for your Clan. You cannot back away from your decisions. You must choose, and act upon it. Be strong. Do not let anyone tell you what to choose or what to believe. When you decide upon your course of action, act on it. Stride forward even if the forest burns to ashes around you. Go ever onward, lead your Clanmates behind you in the path that you blaze, and do not look back. Never wonder what might have been. To ponder alternate possibilities is poison. You choose and you act and, with the strength and wisdom that you already possess, you will lead RiverClan to safety and prosperity.” Perchstar leaned forward and touched the cold tip of her nose to Poppyshine’s. Mentor to apprentice. Leader to deputy. Friend to friend.
”With this life, I grant you decisiveness. Use it to benefit your Clan and yourself.”Power surged through Perchstar and into Poppyshine through their point of contact. It felt electrifying, for a brief moment--a sharp, tingling pain that spread through her from nose to tail-tip. Then in its wake came the brunt of the life. The force of it slammed through the calico’s small frame, forcing her to grit her teeth to keep from crying out. Her muscles tensed and seized up. Darkness completely subsumed her vision, leaving her feeling almost as if she’d been catapulted out of her body and into the abyss. In this abyss, voices and memories--none of which were her own--played out before her in a ceaseless parade. Yowling voices raised in anger. Sorrow clutching its grip tight around her heart. The wails of those who had lost everything dear to them. Wounds of claw and fang, opening up and tearing into her entire body, worse than she’d ever experienced before. She knew without a shadow of a doubt that these were all things that had been experienced by cats as the result of a leader’s decision. A decision to fight--a decision to speak--a decision to keep quiet--a decision to retreat--a decision to attack--a decision to do nothing. All experienced through no fault of her own. Distantly, she felt as if she heard something she remembered. A scream from a voice she knew. Words that seemed to be speaking to her. But she could not make them out, not with the cacophony pressing in on her from every side, not with the pain pulling her apart from the inside out. It felt almost as if she would collapse into pieces. It felt as if it would never fade. But still, through the strength she’d been given--
somehow--Poppyshine managed to hold on. She knew she could not collapse, she could not give into the desire to escape. Her kits needed her. Her friends needed her. RiverClan needed her. If she stopped, if she even paused for a minute to draw breath, then even worse things would befall them. All she had to do was step forward. Slowly, achingly, she raised a trembling paw and placed it down again in front of her. Incremental, but... she had moved forward. She had continued onward.
The screams and the pain faded. Poppyshine found herself left panting, shivering in the wake of the complete sensory overload, but... she had done it. She had received her final life. With the decision to move onwards, she had left the impossible agony behind. Decisiveness.
Poppyshine took deep breaths as the life faded with Perchstar pulling away. The life was overwhelming. She always knew on some level what Perchstar went through. Poppyshine’s capacity for empathy was expansive. However, it was different to quite literally feel it all. The weight, they heaviness, the fatigue–it was all so overwhelming. The daunting nature of being a leader hung over her. Perchstar had confident in her, but what if she still failed? What if she couldn’t withstand the weight of it all? What if she failed her clan…
The feeling did not disappear, but the knowledge that these cats all thought she was worthy of lives, that StarClan thought she was worthy of being a leader…If she could not handle it all now, perhaps she could learn to. She could grow. She could become the leader that they all hope she would be. That, at least, made things feel just a little more bearable.
Perchstar could hardly bear to watch Poppyshine go through the pain of her life. She wished that she could jump in front and take the burden for her, like she’d done so many times, but... she could no longer do that. This was Poppyshine’s to bear. But bear it she did. And when the deputy raised her head, with that strength flashing in her eyes, Perchstar felt the warmth of pride burning in her heart. She had done it. She had proved her worthiness in the final, crucial moments... and now, she would receive her reward.
The regal gray and white she-cat straightened up, her voice taking on an air of authority once more... perhaps for the last time that she used her leadership in this way.
“I hail you by your new name, Poppystar.” The new name fell easily from Perchstar’s mouth. It fit the sweet calico like a mantle. The name for which she had been destined... the name she had grown into, like the springing of a tree into full bloom.
“Your old life is no more. You have now received the nine lives of a leader, and I grant you the guardianship of RiverClan.”All the burdens that Perchstar had tried so hard to shoulder, the pain she’d suffered, the cats she’d sacrificed each and every life for, the Clan that she had raised up... She had to set them all aside. All of it was no longer her responsibility. RiverClan’s stewardship, both its curses and its blessings, passed now to the new leader... to Poppystar. There could not be a more deserving recipient. She had blossomed into the role like a flower--far more fitting to the position than Perchstar’s attempt to be an unfeeling stone. Stones could crack, could be trodden under the mud, could never be soft or flexible. But a flower, a living, breathing, growing thing... Poppystar would grow alongside RiverClan and lead it to peace and security. This knowledge settled into Perchstar’s heart, a gradual reparation to soothe the sting of death and sorrow. RiverClan would live onward under its new guidance.
“Defend it well; care for young and old; honor the traditions of the warrior code; live each life with pride and dignity.” She had no doubt that Poppystar would do all of these things. Blue eyes glowed with a warmth they had never possessed in life as they regarded her dear friend and successor.
“May you reign long, and reign well. I will watch your efforts with pride, Poppy.”The ceremony now called for Perchstar to step back, while the many cats of StarClan called the new leader’s name and celebrated her many accomplishments until she returned to her rejuvenated body below in mortality. However... she would no longer bow to the rules. Instead, the former leader of RiverClan leaned forward again to hug Poppystar once more. Now they truly stood on equal footing. Even though the calico still felt smaller in her embrace, her spirit had grown immensely since their first interaction so long ago. Perchstar nuzzled her face into her friend’s fur. This moment would be the last one they would share together for some time. The realization stung her eyes, so she buried them further in Poppystar’s pelt. She didn’t want her friend to remember her with tears streaming down her cheeks. She didn’t... she didn’t want to let go. She didn’t want this moment to end. She didn’t want to be apart from her. The impending loss of her friend for such an impossibly long length of time made Perchstar tighten the hug, pressing even closer. But all days had their ending, and their beginning. Eventually she could no longer justify remaining there.
She had to step back. Her attempt to clear all the tears from her vision had been unsuccessful. Perhaps she could have played off the shine in her eyes as simply a side effect of the starriness of her spirit, but it would be hard to explain the wetness of her cheeks, so she simply ignored it. Instead, she offered a small smile to Poppystar. Her apprentice. Her deputy. Her friend. The smile that she could only give because her friend loved her.
“Farewell...” Perchstar said.
”Until we meet again. I love you, forever and always.”I will miss you. There was no need to say it. They both knew.
Perchstar remained standing there, holding back the flood of bittersweet tears, until Poppystar returned to her rightful place at the Moonstone.
Poppystar’s eyes opened to Moonstone cave flooded with sunlight. The Moonstone no longer glowed brightly before her. Her face was stained with tears as she lifted her head and looked up the spiraling steps to the exit of the cave. She had been given her nine lives, but she did not feel any different. She did not feel any extra power or confidence or–or anything. She still felt like Poppyshine.
Her paws pushed her to stand. She walked silently up the steps to the mouth of the cave, wiping stray tears as she went. The sun was rising from behind the Highstones, shining out onto the territories. Poppystar looked at the streaks of light shining down onto them. Not far at all was RiverClan, and the light glowed on the surface of the water pools. Her friends and family were waiting there for her to return. She would return, fully a leader now, with new lives within her to help protect her clan. Her heart squeezed tightly. She had sworn two years ago to protect RiverClan, even at the cost of her own life–and now she could do that nine times over.
She was now Poppystar, leader of RiverClan. She would look after and care for them all. She would protect them. With excitement, love, perseverance, trust, resolve, restraint, judgment, friendship, and decisiveness–Poppystar would use them all for her clan. Heaviness had hung over RiverClan for moons, and more sadness may still come–but Poppystar would do everything she could to be like the name Perchstar had given her. She would shine. She would illuminate. She would be a guiding star.
For RiverClan, she would do it all.
