The future's in your paws. Shape it well.Roleplay in a cat Clan of warriors. Based off the Warriors series by Erin Hunter. Takes place in an AU before the cats in the books existed.
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Characters : [C]indersky, [W]olfpaw [D]aytrader, [R]yepaw Clan/Rank : RiverClan, T4 Deputy | ShadowClan, Apprentice| T1 Loner | WindClan Apprentice Number of posts : 567 Gender : They/She Age : 20
Subject: ...the more i say i owe my mother an apology (c) Mon 15 Apr 2024 - 6:22
Cindersky T3 Warrior | RiverClan| she/her "i loved you like the sun."
Cindersky was many things. She was quiet, she was kind, she was fearful. She was a warrior, though sometimes she thought otherwise. And she was a mother, in all but name. She liked to think she was selfless, break a piece off of herself and give to another. She was patient. The one thing she was not, was brave. She had seen others charge headlong into things that surely could have killed them without so much as a quiver in their paw. She had seen them die with a smile on their face. She was not that. She still lay awake at times remembering things that left her breathless, and even now, she was not brave. She could feel her legs threatening to buckle, the tips of her pelt quivering in tandem with the trembling of her body. Ever her breath, though she focused on keeping it steady, shook. She did not want to consider how her voice would sound.
Cindersky had done many things. She did not regret them. She did not regret throwing herself into the jaws of a wolf, and she did not regret tearing Larkspring from his nest to go on a walk that truly did change everything. She did not regret stepping out, while still in the throes of illness, to meet the dual-coloured eyes of a young kitten that gave her cause to keep going as dreadful as the world seemed. She did not regret accompanying RiverClan to that battle, as much as she may think she did. What would have happened if she did not go? She did not want to consider it. Everyone lost in that fight. She lost the least. What she did regret, however, was how she spoke to Perchstar. She meant many of her words, that she did not truly know the reason for the fight when she went. She truly believed that Littlesplash's youth was torn from him. She did believe it was too hasty, no clan had recovered. She did not know if Perchstar could have done more. Maybe she couldn't. But she did regret how she let it all come hurtling out. She did regret the way her once-mentor looked at her, the agony in her tone though she could hear her trying to keep it at bay. She did the one thing Cindersky could not in that moment. Perchstar did a lot that Cindersky never could. Perhaps that was why Perchstar was a leader, and Cindersky was not.
She regretted not doing this sooner, but Cindersky was not brave. The gray and white shape, every time she saw it floating around the camp like a lost soul pretending to be found, it ached her and set a cold weight to her stomach. She felt it even now, the icy claws begging her to turn around again and continue to pretend like nothing had happened. But that was one of the reasons she had gotten angry at Perchstar in the first place, curse the word. She would not be a hypocrite. Not to someone who truly deserved a better hand than what fate dealt her. When she reached her side, it felt different. Like their first outing into the forest, a scary and terrifying place with someone she looked up to as a mere legend, a figure, rather than who she had come to know her as. She licked her lips.
"I want to go fishing with you," Her voice did shake as much as her breath did. But it was easier to speak, as small as she sounded, once she had started. "Please."
Subject: Re: ...the more i say i owe my mother an apology (c) Wed 17 Apr 2024 - 21:26
As it often did, the pain ebbed with time. It had its resurgences--often in the dark of the night, or triggered by a sudden image or circumstance that brought a memory to mind--but aside from those, life continued in as normal of a way as it could. And for Perchstar, that meant losing herself in her duties. At this point it was the only thing she knew. How long had she been in a position of authority now? Ever since Jaystar put a young warrior he'd never met before in charge, she had put herself aside to serve the Clan, and today was no different. She'd just gotten back from a border patrol and walked into camp, head full of things to keep herself busy and keep the fiery, stinging bite of introspection at bay, when a form that had been avoiding her for so long suddenly reappeared. One she'd thought herself now destined only to see in her relapses when the dam broke and all measures to protect herself failed. A small, tailless gray she-cat blinked up with fearful blue eyes in a manner that sent Perchstar inwardly spiraling through a dark tunnel of deja vu. A ceremony, a goose, snowy mountains, the enormous jaws of a wolf breaking through her fragile body, coppery blood flooding across her tongue. And yet... it was so easy to remember those eyes blank with trembling rage instead.
"I hate you."
No--she would not break down again. She would not. Not in front of her, and not in camp. Perchstar almost could not make eye contact for fear of being unable to protect herself from what she saw. But she willed her veins to be stone and her face unmoving, then glanced down at one of her few apprentices still living, one of the many Clanmates she'd died for... one of the many she'd loved. Cindersky. Her words, in sharp contrast to the hissing voices that chased the leader through her sleepless nights, were quiet and hesitant. A far cry from their former wailing state, and a harsh reversion to their usual tone. Surely, Cindersky had not forgotten their falling-out. Perhaps she thought that it had been long enough they'd avoided each other, and they ought to go back to at least having a working relationship as Clanmates. Perhaps the deep hatred still simmering within her just wanted to invite her out on pretense of a hunting trip to watch her squirm. But whatever the reason, Perchstar did not have a habit of refusing requests for her to serve the Clan... even if they were from cats whose mere presence felt like someone sinking their fangs into her throat and then twisting them to produce the desired effect. All of this ran through her head in an instant. None of it showed on her face. No more vulnerability; no more weakness. It would be tiring to repeat the same thing twice, after all.
Perchstar spoke with her voice the same as her face: emotionless. "All right." Then without another word or outward gesture, she spun towards the exit of camp and began to walk away. If Cindersky truly wanted to spend time with her--for whatever ulterior motive she may possess--then she would follow.
~~PM me here or on Discord if you want a topic with any of my cats!~~ ~Signature and Avatar by Xaandiir!~
moonazyne
Characters : [C]indersky, [W]olfpaw [D]aytrader, [R]yepaw Clan/Rank : RiverClan, T4 Deputy | ShadowClan, Apprentice| T1 Loner | WindClan Apprentice Number of posts : 567 Gender : They/She Age : 20
Subject: Re: ...the more i say i owe my mother an apology (c) Fri 19 Apr 2024 - 7:26
Cindersky T3 Warrior | RiverClan| she/her "i loved you like the sun."
Surprise coated her face, a soft slacking of her jaw that Perchstar had agreed so calmly. It stung, all the same. Devoid of anything. She thought that was worse than if Perchstar had turned and shouted a firm no. She would know where she stood, and now she wasn't certain. It was only when Perchstar was a couple of paces away that she realised she had stood frozen, and with a caught breath she hurried to catch up. She kept herself just behind her leader, like before. Matching her footsteps like she used to, like a loyal shadow, but this time the shadow was stretched and blended with another.
It truly did remind her of before. The fear was different. The first time, as a 'paw, she was afraid of making a bad impression. Afraid of disappointment, afraid of not meeting expectations. She had already done that now with her outburst, and now the fear was that this tension would last forever. And she didn't want that. She wanted to go back to before. She couldn't, such was the thing with change-- It would pretend to be similar, a mimicry of what was to the best of its abilities, but never the same.
The weather was the same. Cold but not quite, less of a bite than leaf-fall had as they crept closer into the warmer seasons. The scent was the same, a humid petrichor and damp grasses and moss. The sound was the same. A free-flowing river with the burden of ice lifted from it. All that was missing was the question that Cinderpaw had asked, and Perchstar had answered with; "No need to worry.", and she found herself clinging on to that voice. Calmer, friendlier. Not absent.
She could taste the air beginning to change the closer they got to the river. Moister, more humid. Lighter. Her paws felt heavier, and her mouth felt dryer. Her ears flattened and as much as she searched for words there was very little that had any weight or any sort of eloquence to them, to say what she wanted to say. The gray and white shape ahead of her seemed looming, though her energy was smaller now than she ever remembered. Diminutive. The gap felt hard to close.
"Perchstar," The name came out before she could stop herself, any sort of rehearsal or script being forgotten and she felt like a kit again. Even then, as small and foolish as she was when they first went hunting and encountered the goose, she seemed to know exactly what she wanted to say. "I... I'm sorry. I-..."
She couldn't leave it at that, but even keeping her eyes on her once-mentor like she deserved was hard. She could feel her heart in her throat, the constricting tightness as her own body and fright kept her from doing what she wanted to do. What she knew she had to do. "I'm sorry, for saying all of that to you. I.. I was scared. Confused, and I didn't know how to handle it-- I.. I still don't, but I know it was wrong to say it all like that to you. Try to blame you for it. It was wrong, and... I..." That sounded terrible, she thought. Like a cobweb spread too thin over a wound. But it was a start, at least.
Subject: Re: ...the more i say i owe my mother an apology (c) Wed 8 May 2024 - 21:40
How odd, fate's repetitions. How mocking. How it enjoyed throwing her previous efforts in her face. Perchstar did her best to keep her steps from stiffening uncomfortably as she walked, retracing the usual path to the river. A path she'd walked with the cat behind her so many times... a path that now felt as if it had changed after the long leaf-bare. Though every turn in the territory remained the same, the scenery that usually calmed her carried a bitter, burnt aftertaste. Soothing scents of damp earth and the rustling sounds of reeds turned into thick, choking mud and the harsh laughter of the wind whistling through grass. She walked here now, a murderer. And behind her followed Cindersky, who had once trailed her shadow like a trusting ghost and who now affected those same steps, without the same honesty as before. A charade. A farce. Ridiculous, all of it, and ridiculous that Perchstar went along with it instead of turning around and using her time for more productive things. What foolish part of her clung to that earlier time, to memories of a small apprentice in larger pawsteps? Or even further back, to a calico of the same size and profession, looking up with wide green eyes full of naive admiration? Foolish. Ridiculous. But she could not turn around and retreat--not on any of the paths she walked. Such was the burden of a leader.
The river drew closer. The lifeblood of the Clan, clean and pure with snowfall, ought to have been reassuring. But she was far past reassurance. Nothing could clear her mind, not with the quiet pawsteps and sharp scent of fear emanating from behind her. White paws stained invisibly red met the cool mud of the riverbank without even feeling the chill. Out of habit, Perchstar sat downstream, without even realizing what she was doing. The hardened instinct to protect--nurtured by Poppyshine, further strengthened by her kits and her apprentices--had become a part of her now. She could not step back from the riverbank any more than she could step back from the decision to dive headfirst into murky waters after a vanishing pair of ears. Light blue eyes scanned the current for a moment almost automatically, more for something to do than anything else. They could not shift sideways. Not with the threat of feeling any more than she already had. Not when a single move could cause her senses to cascade in an avalanche of aching and desperation. A self-fulfilling prophecy.
"Perchstar."
That voice. She drew in a sharp breath through her teeth at its hesitance, at the painful familiarity. At how it so easily resumed its former tone--the one that had asked her about the forest and fish and had stammered apologies. That had refused to leave her side when ordered. That had shrieked so horribly in the jaws of a wolf. That had delivered scathing words of hatred that stung so much worse than any she'd heard before, because they had come from one she'd truly given her heart to. Not a growing friendship like Birdstar, but... a nurturing relationship. One of leader to follower, of mentor to apprentice... no. More than that. Almost of mother to daughter. A bond she had not ever thought into existence but had unthinkingly obeyed from the moment of ceremony. The realization struck her with catastrophic force, tearing at her from inside--but she could not show it. She could not allow herself to make even the most minute change of expression. Her gaze locked onto the river, searching for any foundation on which to anchor herself--but to no avail. The waters shifted, tumbled, swirled in impossible patterns. She could not find any respite. And once again the voice came to offer that final push into oblivion.
An apology. Another apology. Something she'd once thought might have been the only thing that the small gray she-cat knew how to say. After their former conversation, though, it seemed almost laughable. Sorry? She was sorry for expressing her feelings? She was sorry for expressing the blame that fell so squarely onto Perchstar's shoulders? She was sorry for attacking in both of their most vulnerable moments? She was sorry. They were both sorry. That did not patch the wound. It would almost have been easier if Cindersky had acted as if the outburst had not happened; that would have been far more bearable than this stilted, stuttering apology. This was almost worse than the doubling-down of Birdstar leaping in, eyes crazy with bloodlust, fangs sharp as a demon's. Perchstar could not keep the tension from making her frame rigid. She wished she could jump into the river and melt into its waters like a pad of snow. But she could not run. She could never run away from a decision she had made.
Once Cindersky's half-completed sentences finally fell to a halt, Perchstar found the onus for conversation on her. This was where someone like Poppyshine would accept the apology. Someone like Poppyshine, someone good, would turn with teary eyes and proclaim how much the words had hurt and the gratitude for such dishonesty as to revoke them. But Perchstar was not good. Something tight had seized her heart long ago and the pressure squeezed almost every ounce of goodness, hardening it into an awful crust of ice that surrounded a tiny ember remaining. That ember blazed in emotion--in anger, in sorrow, in response to the pain of those she loved. Because she loved with so little and could not take the affection back once granted, it cankered like a sore. It blistered up, heat meeting cold with a ferocious reaction that now wrung further emotion from her exhaustion. She did not want to respond, did not want to feel, and yet it had already been over before it had begun.
When she spoke, her tone carried the same calmness as it had previously. Even though Cindersky had pressed on her weak points--had taken the love she gave and torn into it, before offering it once more as if it were nothing--she could not offer the same again. She could not reciprocate. No more harsh, low tones. No more rough and raspy voice. No more emotion. "It was not wrong. Everything you said was true." She could not look. She could not bear to look. Her eyes had to remain fixed on the river, though they no longer truly saw. Cindersky was a good cat. That must be why she attempted to apologize now, even though Perchstar could not understand those so different from her. But the attempt hurt worse than the alternative. It was all a lie. All done in fear. Fear of the leader who stood stone-faced even now in the face of unalterable pain. "This is your problem. You cannot stand up for yourself. Only for others, and even then you backtrack at the earliest possible moment." Except when she stood in front of Littlesplash's body and took a foolish blow. Except when she fought in a battle she had hated. For those she truly loved, she would do anything... and Perchstar was not such. Hatred so deep could only be born from a twisted former care. And so like everything else, it was her fault again. She had to force herself to breathe so that she could speak the words piercing her tongue. "If you hate me, tell me. Do not spare my feelings." And... for the first time she could remember, Perchstar lied to Cindersky. "There is nothing left to spare."
~~PM me here or on Discord if you want a topic with any of my cats!~~ ~Signature and Avatar by Xaandiir!~
moonazyne
Characters : [C]indersky, [W]olfpaw [D]aytrader, [R]yepaw Clan/Rank : RiverClan, T4 Deputy | ShadowClan, Apprentice| T1 Loner | WindClan Apprentice Number of posts : 567 Gender : They/She Age : 20
Subject: Re: ...the more i say i owe my mother an apology (c) Mon 13 May 2024 - 5:58
Cindersky T3 Warrior | RiverClan| she/her "i loved you like the sun."
Cinderskys throat felt narrow and tight when she swallowed. The moment between her silence to Perchstars speech spread on and on and she thought the leader would never speak. And when she did, it was like a lance of an ice shard. Cold, sharp. She did not like it, and her paws shuffled on the smoothened river-ground. Why would Perchstar not look at her? As much as she was glad that she did not-- Perhaps whatever look she was giving the river would make her want to shrivel and return to the safe-haven of wallowing and worrying-- but she wanted this to be even. Equal. If that was even a possibility.
Her problem. Her eyes shifted, glancing at the blurry floor and returning to the back that was turned to her. Her mouth was dry. She bit back a protest. She knew she should leave the floor to her. She was not wrong. It warmed her heart and shredded it so to know that Perchstar truly did see her in that sense-- To know her more than just the shape of an apprentice she had once taught. And that Cindersky had thrown it to the wind by saying too much. Was this her backtracking? Her brow furrowed. She did not think so. This had kept her awake, the guilt gnawing at her like a little ant at a leaf. It ate at her to the point that Poppyshine did not seem surprised when she laid it bare.
The last of Perchstars speech hung between them like a frayed branch, held merely by the fibres that were only just alive. Could be mended, but not without effort. She grimaced, feeling a heavy weight settle in the pit of her stomach, but picked herself up and hesitantly stepped over. She found Perchstars side, and sat by it. Not too close, not too far. She did not look at her, merely watched her own reflection in the running water of the river. Perchstars was there too. So still.
"I do not hate you," She said, a soft insistence to it. "I never have. I never will. You were-- are-- one of the cats I hold most dear. And I hurt you." Her tongue ran over her lips, a nervous shuffle of the paws and she dared to tilt her head up somewhat. Study the furred jaw that was as far up as she could see. "I hate... I hate the fate that was dealt to us, to you. I--" There was a shake to her voice, and she made a sound that was like a hum of inward frustration. The inability to keep her tone as level as she would like. She swallowed, and started again.
"It was wrong of me," She continued. "To say it all like I did. I... Won't pretend to understand what happened that led you to your decision. You always did what you thought best for us, for me. I was angry it turned out the way it did. But maybe it would have turned out the same no matter what had happened, even if you did not make that decision. Maybe worse, even. But you gave us a chance. A better one."
"You said it to me before," The memory was stark and clear in her mind. Before everything had changed. She had come to Perchstar, her mentor then still, frightened. And Perchstar had let a wall down, and Cindersky had merely overlooked it. "That you were afraid you were leading us to ruin. That everyone secretly despised you. And... And you were comforting me then. I repaid you by taking my anger out on you. Anger that was not for me to turn on you, because it wasn't you that caused it--..." She wanted to see Perchstars face. But the leader, that bulwark that always stood so strong at the head of the Clan, was doing so. Standing tall. Cindersky did not know how she did it.
"I do love you, Perchstar," She meowed quietly, blinking at the blurry sheen that was getting much harder to see through. "And I always have. I always will. You gave me the chance to be here now. You... Do not have to say anything. I don't really think I deserve a response, after all I had said. But I do love you."
Subject: Re: ...the more i say i owe my mother an apology (c) Thu 13 Jun 2024 - 21:47
It had been over before it had begun. Even as Perchstar spoke, even as she felt the words leave her mouth dull and hard like falling stones, she knew that they would not be allowed to rest. She knew that Cindersky would respond, would refute--and so she did. The small she-cat, so much smaller than she had ever been despite having grown so much from their first ever interaction, stepped up to the difficulty instead of backing away. Perchstar still could not look. She could not turn, but she felt more than heard the pawsteps approaching near her. The presence of body heat almost close enough to ruffle her fur, but still far enough away that a cold buffer of air protected them from the sensation of physical touch. The leader stiffened. She could not help it. Why did this always happen? Why did they always come closer? Why would no one ever leave her alone? Why could they not be content to let things be in their state, even if that state was misery? To continually prod at the sore, to reopen it in hopes of healing, always hurt. It hurt and even if it meant she would feel better afterwards, she could not stand it. She should have said no when she was asked. If only she could be a little bit more selfish... If only she could deny herself any of the pain that shook her shoulders. If only she could shut her ears to everything around her, to that voice that spoke again, so gentle and yet so sharp in its demand for her to listen.
"I do not hate you."
Despite the shaking, despite the hesitance, Cindersky continued to speak, and the words might as well have been claws for the way that they pressed into Perchstar's heart. Not in the same way that the previous argument had torn her wide open, but even the softest of touches on a wound that had been so raw would reawaken the agony. Because Cindersky had been right. She had been right, so why was she apologizing? Why was she saying this now? To hear that her apprentice did not understand and yet also understood so deeply why she had made those decisions... it was almost worse than the blind grief. She did not wish to be seen. But to hear such kindness from the same mouth that had hurt her at her worst felt almost too much. Why couldn't they leave it? She didn't want to hear that she was not only unhated, but dear to Cindersky. She didn't want to be forgiven. She... didn't deserve to be forgiven.
White paws pressed close to each other. A torn, scarred ear flicked a few times to attempt chasing away her thoughts. And still, just a few mouse-lengths away, stood a cat who said that she loved her. Her, a murderer. But Cindersky had been right. Everything was her fault. So, why...?
It was far too late to keep her silence. Though the ice around her heart remained as strong as always, though her eyes remained level while staring at the still reflection moved inescapably by the rippling flow of the river, her small ember flared too strongly to ignore. She cared for Cindersky... deeply. It was why those words had felt so harsh. It was why the validation of her deepest anxieties cut her to her core, even now. She wished that she could walk away and feel upset, but... she couldn't. Instead, words came slowly from her mouth like snow falling from trees. Neutral and calm, unfeeling but for their content. "I hate feeling this way," Perchstar said, her voice a near-whisper. Honesty felt like thorns on her tongue. "Feeling afraid that everyone wishes me gone. Afraid that this Clan... that the cats I try so hard to protect... would be better off without my presence. That is why what you said made me... react in that way. And I should not have. As a leader, it is my job to take criticism, and I failed. Horribly." Like she had at most things that she tried, in the end. Failed at peace... Failed at war... Failed at hatred... Failed at love. She could not do any one thing to its full capacity.
Perchstar shook her head slightly, watching the way that her frame--so still and straight in reality--wavered and shifted in the river. A reflection of her true self, perhaps; her uncertainty and ineptness represented by the impermanence of running water. "I did cause your anger. I did, and you were not wrong to express it as such." Her ice-blue eyes narrowed slightly, imperceptibly. "I... I am angry, too. The betrayal, the war... it all made me so unbearably upset that I felt as if I would tear apart at the seams. More than anything, I am angry at myself for feeling that way." She knew that it was foolish, but she could not help it. To be a stone beneath the river had been denied her, time and time again, and so now all she could be was this rippling flat image on its surface. Flat and colorless and yet always in motion. Motion that she could not deny more than she could stop the river's flow. "I try so hard not to feel," she murmured. "I knew that if I got angry it would lead to fighting, to death. To the pain of those I loved. And sure enough, it did. But I could not swallow it any longer. I still made that decision. Even if it was the wrong one, it was the only decision that I could have made. I would make it again, and again, in the same circumstances as I was then. Except... I would not have let you come. You and Littlesplash, and Poppyshine. And Mottlestar." The last name fell from her mouth like a dirge. Her friend, so stalwart in the face of treachery and violence, standing by her to the bitter end... gone forever, taking a punishment that should have been Perchstar's to bear. "I would not let any of them accompany me, if it were up to me. But it was not. You all insisted upon accompanying me, and because of that, you all suffered. Because of me. Because she cared for me... Mottlestar is dead."
Finally, she managed to look to the side, to meet the eyes that were staring at her. She managed to look down at Cindersky, so much changed from their first time sitting at this riverbank, and yet all the more the same. Tailless now, and with so many more scars both external and internal, but those eyes still regarded her with all of the respect and hope of a world-blind apprentice who knew nothing of pain. Respect she no longer deserved. Cold, hard ice meeting melted newleaf water. "I should have protected you," Perchstar whispered. "As a mentor, as a leader, as a..." Mother. She could not say it. She would not. Even if that unspoken bond was in Cindersky's mind as well as her own, she did not deserve to have such a tie to a cat whose life she had been such a destructive presence in. "I should have taken the blow again." Sharp teeth mangling her frame. If only the SkyClan patrol had been as easy to deal with as the wolves. "I should have, and I did not. I protected the idea of future peace with pain in the present, and that is pain that you now are forced to bear. I cannot go back and lift it from your shoulders. If it were not for me, you would not have felt that way." She could not forgive Cindersky what she had said, but she did not begrudge it. Forgiveness was far beyond Perchstar now, either to obtain or to bestow, so she did not want it. To have something that she could not give others felt... frustrating. She had destroyed so much with her paws. Why, then, not her own relationships? "So... you can hate me. It is all right. I know you say that you do not, but what reason do you have to care for someone who has caused you such torment? I know that I am in a position of authority over you, but your feelings are not beholden to mine. You may feel freely, and honestly. It is a privilege I am not blessed with. So please... do not trouble yourself over my self-inflicted anxieties." Her last few words came so quietly she almost did not hear them. "Do not force yourself to love me. I... I do not deserve it."
