jupiter was supposed to be a star (c)

Cindersky did not know how she had gotten here. She had walked, she assumed. She did not know when, or how long it had taken. Time was a blur. One moment she was here, and in another, she had teeth embedded deep within her or claws slamming her head into the ground-- She saw herself blink, and at some point, she realised she was staring into a puddle. It was cold out here. She did not feel it on her pelt, dulled in shine and matted in places from still-closing wounds. She felt it when she breathed in, the only thing she chose to do. Blinking was natural, still. Maybe it was her body begging her for sleep.

She did not sleep anymore. Maybe that was why she didn't know what day it was, or how long it had been since the battle. Her sleep had been upset before, rare an upturned by night terrors that she could not shake. Now, it simply did not come at all. She thought she had slept once, when she was still in the medicine den being tended to by Littlesplash (and too afraid to leave his side in case he was ripped away from her again), and had woken up in such a panic that she thought the battle was happening again. If she closed her eyes now, she knew she would see that curse, closing his jaws around the medicine cats throat and her own blood pooling out onto the grass and--

Something rustled behind her, and she had whirled around with such a violent spit her head was still reeling from the movement. She staggered on her paws, her pelt bristled and teeth bared in such a way that made her look possessed. Not Cindersky. Not anymore. It took her so long to recognise the shape, the scent, that moved her way that she felt shame. Her mouth closed, her claws sheathed, and her pelt slowly began to smoothen. She stared at him, as though he were a ghost of some kind, and she realised she had forgotten how to speak. He was going to be angry at her again, she thought. She did not know if she could take that.

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Larkspring

Larkspring came to a sudden stop when Cindersky turned suddenly towards him. He watched as her teeth bared and muscles tensed like she was ready to lash out at a predator that had ambushed her. His jaw clenched a little tighter around the fish he had brought to her but his expression remained flat save for the wider look in his eyes. Slowly, he leaned down and set the fish down at her paws. “You have yet to eat,” he said by way of explanation.

Cindersky seemed to have forgotten how to live over the past few days. She had returned from battle, injured but alive, but then continued to move through life like a ghost afterwards. Larkspring wasn’t sure exactly what had happened and she had yet to explain to him what happened. He didn’t know how to ask. This was different from how she was after the wolves, which were another terrifying experience. She now held a kind of anger inside of her that he only saw glimpses of past the hollowness. And then times like now—where she looked as though she were still locked in battle. It left Larkspring’s fur prickling down his spine.

“Let’s eat together,” Larkspring said quietly and he nodded back closer to camp where the snow was cleared away and it was slightly warmer.

RiverClan • T4 Warrior • He/Him • 60 | 140 • #787878

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He spoke so calmly, except for the twitch of the eye. She physically felt her muscles relax. She was not in danger. And he was not mad? She blinked dumbly, and then said; "Eat?" As though the notion itself was a mystery to her. She looked at the fish he set down, and then followed his gaze to where he gestured. She made no sound, but moved to follow his instruction anyways. Like a shadow after its owner.

She always kept a pawstep behind him. For some reason, she felt if she were in front, she might feel his teeth. Or, if she were in front, she might see something sun-touched lurching to take yet another part of her away again. She could not feel her paws against the ground, much like she could not feel the chill. Just heaviness. And lightness. All at once.

Should she say something? Her eyes kept passing over him, waiting for him to speak. What would she say? StarClan, she had no idea. Her mouth felt dry, drier than it had before when she would drink but nothing would quench her thirst. She did not feel hungry. But, she did not remember when she ate last. Maybe he was right. But she did not want to. The thought made her stomach churn. The only sound that she could make was a feeble huff. Please talk, she thought. She could not stand silence. Not from him.

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Larkspring

They arrived at the place that Larkspring pointed out; it was dry from the snow, shaded from the sun, and away from anyone walking in and out of camp. He settled down in front of Cindersky. He had no catch for himself because he had eaten earlier. He wanted to make sure that Cindersky ate, though. When she did not start eating, he pushed the fish a little closer to her.

After a minute of silence, as though he sensed her silent plea for him to speak, he finally did. “I am. Worried about you.” His words were stilted and hard to say. He kept his eyes elsewhere, too frightened to see any hollowness in Cindersky’s gaze. Or worse, the flash of anger from before. And the worst…a desire for him to leave. “You have not been taking care of yourself. If you feel ill, you should see Littlesplash for healing. Nothing will come o walking around like a ghost.”

RiverClan • T4 Warrior • He/Him • 60 | 140 • #787878

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Cindersky didn't answer him for a time, only stared blankly at the fish in front of her as though his words were delayed in reaching her. Her ear flicked, once, quickly, and she tore her gaze away from the fish to look at him. Only for a couple seconds, it was difficult to try and hold a gaze. And as hungry as she was, food nauseated her.

"I am not ill,' She answered finally, barely audible until she cleared her throat and repeated it a bit louder-- But still feeble. One paw lifted slightly off of the ground, toes barely touching the grass beneath her, and then her ears angled back. "I am tired, Larkspring. Just... Tired. I will be alright. I..."

She was not quite sure what else to say to take that look off of his face. The soft dustings of worry and she knew she caused it but she was still in a kind of limbo that she was not sure how to shake. She despised it. "I just need... Time, is all. A little bit of time."

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Larkspring

Larkspring’s ears pressed behind him and he kept his gaze elsewhere. He suddenly wished he had taken something to eat as well, even if he had already had his fill, if for nothing more than to give himself something to do during these long stretches of silence. Just time, was it? He thought back to Rookflight and how ill he had gotten when they were kits after their father was taken. Time was all they had needed too but…but they suffered for so long. Rookflight refused to become an apprentice and so Larkspring stayed with him all the while but it took moons. Moons and moons and moons and they were stuck and in the end, Larkspring wasn’t even sure if it was him that had helped Rookflight out of that place. He couldn’t stand to just stand by the side while Cindersky went through it all too.

He said, voice still quiet, “Time has passed already. I fear you are only getting worse. You walk around as though you have already died. It has already been shown to me in the past that simply gathering time does not fix anything.” His ear flicked. “If you need to speak about it—if that would help—I have ears that will listen.”

RiverClan • T4 Warrior • He/Him • 60 | 140 • #787878

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There was something so... unlike Larkspring about what he said that it made her head raise, a flicker of that awe that had been trademark of her there, before being swallowed again by the dull shine. She swallowed, nausea both from the idea of eating and nerves, and whetting her throat. She grimaced, and wanted to ask; 'Will you shout at me again?', but even that question did not matter. Larkspring had listened to her troubles before, so mild compared to what she faced now, but he did so without judgement. Where to begin?

"I..." She licked her lips. "I was angry. During the... the fight. At the beginning, I was afraid. I just wanted to keep them away from Littlesplash, and then... A SkyClan cat attacked me first. I was not expecting it. He looked almost as afraid as I was, for a moment, and..." The wounds, almost completely healed over now, ached even at the memory. "I thought it was over. I let my guard down, and because of it-- I did not see the other-- I didn't, I swear-- And he made me watch as... I thought they were going to kill him, Larkspring. And I couldn't do anything. Nothing."

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Larkspring

Larkspring listened attentively. It was the first time that Cinderky had truly spoken with him since the battle with SkyClan. And as she spoke, he looked to the scares she bore on her pelt and her tail began to hit against the ground, furious on her behalf. How dare those SkyClan cats lay a claw on Cindersky. How dare they. The entire war was stupid, and to choose Cindersky of all cats to go and fight this war, it was something he would never forgive Perchstar for.

He blinked a couple of times. Littlesplash. He knew that was who Cindersky referred to. Another jolt of irritation ran through him. What had Littlesplash done, really, to earn such love from Cindersky? For her to care for him so dearly that it was his injury that had caused her this level of anguish where she was no longer herself? His tail slammed against the ground behind him but he maintained his gaze on her. It mattered not. The point was that she was hurt because of what happened; that she felt helpless.

“Those SkyClan cats are from the Dark Forest itself,” he spat bitterly. “To attack a medicine cat, and try and kill one no less, is foul. But it is not your fault. I saw your injuries when you returned, Cindersky. They were terrible. You were exhausted. Littlesplash did not get hurt because of you. You cannot blame yourself for that.”

RiverClan • T4 Warrior • He/Him • 60 | 140 • #787878

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Cindersky tensed at his spit, a wild look in her eye just for the moment before she forced herself to take a breath. He was not mad at her, she told herself. Mad for her. There was a difference, and she forced herself to repeat it in her head. Like before, after the wolves. Mad for her.

"But I do," She answered him. Her head hung limp, almost too heavy to even lift it. It took all of her energy to keep herself talking. She knew she should. She did not want to. But she should, so she would. "I was the warrior assigned to protect him, and I failed in that. I-- I know he should not have even been attacked, I do know that... I was there for the hypothetical. And it happened, and I could do nothing. It felt like I was being ripped apart, watching it. And now he has to stare at that wretched.. foxheart every Gathering and it seems SkyClan has done nothing as punishment."

And what, like she thought she could? She would be lying if she said the thought did not cross her mind. But what would she even do? Her blood runs cold even thinking about it.  

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Larkspring

Larkspring’s ears flattened against his skull. He couldn’t take away Cindersky’s pain, no matter how much he wanted to. He could not do it for Rookflight either. It was Sunpool who gave him more joy than Larkspring was able to during their kithood. What was it about Larkspring that left him so unable to hold things gently and bestow comfort, no matter how hard he tried? Perhaps it was just how he was built, like a plant made only of thorns.

His tail swished behind him and his gaze did not leave Cindersky, even as her head hung low. He replied, “I am not surprised. SkyClan being unable to deliver punishment is what caused that battle in the first place.” His nose scrunched, momentarily holding harsh fury, but he let it go in service of worry for Cindersky. “That foxheart deserves punishment. But his lack of punishment is not your fault, nor is Littlesplash getting hurt. You were already hurt. You were doing all you could to protect the clan. Blaming yourself for what you could not fix accomplishes nothing.”

RiverClan • T4 Warrior • He/Him • 60 | 140 • #787878

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Cindersky knew his reasoning was sound. It often always was. For a cat that somehow found problems with anything that moved, he was smart. Logical. Maybe that was what she needed. Logical to compete with her illogic. She tensed her jaw and let it slack again.

"I know," The words came out of her like a mouse wriggling through narrow stones to escape a hunt. "But yet I do. I--... I don't know how to stop myself from blaming myself. Littlesplash looks happy still, but he's still so... Worried. Anxious. And I don't know how to fix it." She ran her tongue over her lips, and forced herself to look up at Larkspring. She tensed, a hint of a startle when her eyes met his. She did not realise he was still watching her. Her paws shuffled underfoot. She had not remembered the last time she felt... nervous around him. Or maybe it was just the shock of not realising she was being stared at.

"I'm lost on what to do," She continued. Talking about the blame in circles would get her nowhere. And Larkspring... He had good advice. To her, anyways. "Everyone else has moved on. Nobody mentions the battle anymore. It feels like I am still living it, sometimes. Seeing it everywhere."

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Larkspring

Larkspring nodded vaguely as Cindersky spoke. He finally looked down, breaking his stare at her to look down at the sand and grasses instead. She spoke of her feeling on Littlesplash that sounded much like how he felt for her. There was something wrong, but he didn’t know how to help. It became cyclical, it seemed.

“I don’t know what will fix it,” he admitted. “Maybe you can’t. You can’t change what happened. I know I wished for days that I could fix what happened when you lost your tail, but I couldn’t. That was Littlesplash’s job and I could not turn back time. I could only…be present, if you needed me. I hope you knew that I was there if you needed me.”

Larkspring looked up again and his golden eyes met her blue. “Maybe that is all Littlesplash needs. Someone there, and time. Maybe that is what you need. Just know that even if others have moved on, I will remain at your side, however long you need me to be.” His pelt felt hot, but his words were true. He was not at the battle and did not know its horrors, but he would be with Cindersky for as long as she lived in it.

RiverClan • T4 Warrior • He/Him • 60 | 140 • #787878

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There was something about how he put that that gave Cindersky pause. The vulnerability of it, however un-Larkspring like and Larkspring like it sounded, struck deep. A smile broke through, a genuine one as bashful as it felt. As silly as it felt.

"Your company did help while I was ill," She said softly, and she wasn't sure if her mouth was dry because this was the most she had spoken in a while, or if... Maybe it was just the talking. "And it helped me to sleep. I... Do believe you are right. Again."

She glanced aside for a moment, swallowing to clear an almost cold-feeling, thick lump in her throat and then looked back. Oh, it felt kittish putting it like this. But he had offered it, so she would be foolish not to. "And I'm not going anywhere, either. No matter what happens," She blinked slowly. "So how does forever sound?"

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Larkspring

Larkspring’s eyes widened and suddenly his pelt, which already felt hot, felt on fire. Forever. Cindersky wanted to be with him forever. Not just allowing him to stay, not bearing him, not sticking around for a moment—forever.

An odd rumbling noise reached Larkspring’s ears and for a moment he wasn’t sure what it was. He then registered the feeling coming from inside of himself once he felt anything past the fire burning in his veins and he realized he was making that noise. He was purring louder than he had ever purred before. Dark Forest, he couldn’t remember the last time he even purred. Embarrassment washed over him but the warm fuzzy feelings that forever brought him wouldn’t let any feelings of shame dampen the noise.

“Forever,” he repeated. “Forever...is nice.”

RiverClan • T4 Warrior • He/Him • 60 | 140 • #787878

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Cindersky stared at him for an equally long time. Did she say something wrong? Why was he staring? Oh, was there something on her fur, did she have something on-- Oh.

The purring. She had never heard that before. Sure, she did not purr like that as often, she was partial to an occasional purr-- But this was as loud as rain hitting stones. Her small smile, a rarity nowadays even in itself, somehow cracked wider, and her eyes scrunched just lightly at the soft laugh that escaped her.

"Yes, forever is nice," She was purring too now. It was contagious. How dare it be contagious, she could swipe at him-- "And if I can get you to purr like that forever too, I will. It's cute."

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