it just feels inhumane to lose this much (c)

Even in a leaf-bare as bitterly cold as this one had been, sun-high was the warmest time of day. There was certainly nowhere near as much warmth as she vaguely remembered from the warm late greenleaf of her kithood days in the nursery, but it was a welcome change from the otherwise unrelentingly bitter winds. A patrol drenched in the cold sun's apricity, with two of her favorite cats--Uncle Rainrain and his friend Crookedlight--ought to have been a cause for joy. And it was better than being holed up in camp, as usual. Yet Bubblebeam could not quite muster a smile as the group of three made their way into the trees, dodging piles of half-melted snow and unearthed mulching leaves. It was nice to spend time with them, but... Rainfrost had been a shadow of his former self ever since the sickness, and now the loss of his mother, Great-Aunt Birdstar... she knew that he was feeling awful. There was a hollowness to his eyes every time she glanced at him. And though she appreciated Crookedlight's kindness in sheltering her during the post-war screaming match in camp, she knew that all of this would be bothering him, too. Everything felt as if the color had been leached out of it.

But this was a hunting patrol, first and foremost... and as much as her love for her Clan was slowly fading, melting just like the pure white snow around them was slowly becoming an off-grayish brown, she still had to at least go through the motions of pretending to care. Her ears pricked up when she saw a squirrel, perched on the very end of a birch tree branch. She loved her uncles, but looking at them felt like stepping with a sore paw, so she only offered them a quick and wordless nod before going off to hunt. If there was one thing she could do, at least, it was climbing. A few quick motions got her up the trunk of the tree, and from there, she just had to step carefully. Bubblebeam's eyes narrowed, and she tried to push out all irrelevant thoughts, focusing only on the prey in front of her. Thankfully, if only for that one moment, her mind went blank. Instinct took hold. With a quick leap, she grasped the squirrel in her jaws and ended its life. But she heard it squeak, a high-pitched cry that somehow pierced right into her ears. Dizziness inflicted by the sharp sound and the simultaneous memory of her own voice, screaming out for her father as claws raked across her belly, nearly caused her to stumble. She had to unsheathe her claws and dig them into the bark in order to keep from falling. Her head pounded with nausea. After a moment or two of pause she forced her frozen feet to move, dismounting without issue from the tree branch, but she dropped the squirrel the moment she landed. Then spat out the coppery taste on her tongue for good measure. She needed to eat food to live, so... why did the blood of prey suddenly taste rancid? Another side effect of the starvation during her apprenticeship? It was impossible to tell. Stop shaking. It's just a squirrel. What's wrong with you? You caught food for the Clan. That should be the only thing on your mind. Still, Bubblebeam's pale-green eyes looked slightly vacant as she kicked old leaves over the squirrel and returned to where Crookedlight and Rainfrost waited. Hopefully they hadn't seen the sudden spike of fear in her eyes or the way her ears pinned tightly against her head. In case they had... she still couldn't bear to look at them.

Bubblebeam tried to catch a squirrel... Success! -3 SP

The member 'Ash' has done the following action : Dice roll

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'Hunting Dice' : 4

Unfortunately, it seemed that she hadn't been quick enough to mask her discomfort. Bubblebeam was a terrible liar; that applied to her body language, too. It appeared that the shaking of her limbs and the way her ears pinned back had betrayed her. Despite the fact that they both had far better things to do, and they were both dealing with grief far worse than hers, both Uncle Rain and Crookedlight soon converged on her with well-meaning concern. She had come out to hunt and forget about their problems, not make everything worse. Stars, she couldn't do anything right. Helplessly she lifted her gaze to meet first Rainfrost's--why was he shorter than her? When had that happened?--and then Crookedlight's gazes, seeing the pain deep inside both. She should have been trying to cheer them up or comfort them, not the other way around. She hated being useless. However, she wasn't strong enough to deny the unconditional love that they were both offering. How long had it been since her own father had shown a moment of care? How long had it been since her own father had even spoken to her? Wolfblossom had tried her best, but a gesture of comfort had felt strange coming from an authority figure first and family member second. Her Uncle Rainfrost and dear Crookedlight, on the other paw....

Bubblebeam gave into her weakness and leaned forward, resting her forehead in the soft chest-fur of Crookedlight. Next to her, Rainfrost was slightly too small for her to lean her weight on, but she entwined her long-furred tail with his. The warmth radiating from both of them was almost too much, almost too kind. Not something she deserved. But she was too weak to deny her needy self. "I'm sorry," she murmured. Her voice sounded exhausted for some reason, even though the hunt had not been strenuous at all. Maybe it was just because she didn't know the last time that someone had offered her such unreserved, wholehearted concern. Even though she felt bad for accepting it, it drew her in like a kit to their mother. "I was trying to be strong. I just... the squirrel screamed. I wasn't expecting it. It sounded like me." It sounded stupid, when she said it aloud. Probably because it was. She hadn't even been at the big battle, hadn't fought anyone since the skirmish as an apprentice, and it still affected her somehow. Rainfrost had lost his mother. She ought to be comforting him. Instead, she just buried herself in her uncle and his friend like a baby and drank in every ounce of their presence that she could. "I hate fighting," she whispered. "I wish no one had to fight, ever. I wish you and everyone else I love never had to get hurt. I... don't like it when everyone's sad, like this. I hate that I can't help. I can't even help myself."