Compassion Brings Healing (c)

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Falconmoon himself was feeling much better than he had been. The belly wounds had been the worst, making movement painful and even sleeping in certain positions impossible. But Thymelight and Smokepetal had done an amazing job. Part of his recovery at this point was to move around and gently stretch his belly muscles as they healed to ensure that they wouldn't heal with him all bunched up. It wasn't the most comfortable thing to do, but he followed their instructions.

Falconmoon had been out walking when he scented Honeydew's trail. She'd finally been released. With a sigh and a stone in his heart with what the very near future would bring, the ivory and gold tom padded after his daughter. His approach was deathly silent, moons upon moons of practice was evident in each swift and soundless pawstep. Spying her on a rock, sunning herself, he leaped forward onto the rock beside her's, as quiet as the grave.

"Honeydew," His voice came, quiet as a whisper to break the silence. "I'm glad to see you're doing better." He lie down and slowly stretched himself out like a bear skin rug. The heat from the rock felt like Silverpelt on his aching belly. It was so wonderful and so needed that he literally sighed with relief and closed his eyes, floating away into another perfect, light filled world for just a moment. Stars he forgot how therapeutic the sun's warmth could be. This was the longest leaf-bare he'd ever experienced.

"You... are feeling better, right?" He asked, then quietly tensed for the answer. Battles changed cats, regardless of how hardened they thought they were. What chance did poor Honeydew have, especially seeing what she had? He would pick up the pieces that he needed to, one fragile, skin piercing shard at a time, and do his best to keep her together where ever she may be struggling.

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Her lack of eye contact and her body language did not go unnoticed. He waited for a few moments to see if she would bring anything up that might be bothering her, but of course she didn't. Any kind of confrontation, she tended to shy away from. He honestly was surprised that she came from Beechfang's line instead of Primroselight's with how similar they were. Falconmoon blinked slowly and sighed. It seemed there was damage after all, beyond the physical. He knew it would happen, but it didn't make seeing it any easier.

"I know that battle was probably hard for you. It's hard on everyone. I tried to stop it, I really did. My efforts weren't enough." He hadn't even heard or noticed her trying to take comfort from him at the start. He'd been so preoccupied with the appearance of Nightstalker that he tuned out all else.

"I'm sorry if what you saw... if it was me... Battle is hard for everyone but it has a way of especially affecting me. I wasn't the same cat, so to speak, and I'm sorry if what you saw me do bothered you..."

He made the attempt to slowly roll onto his back to get the sun on his belly, but he winced, grit his teeth and groaned before he gave up. He'd try again in a moment. He needed to focus on talking to Honeydew. He had no idea if she saw him take a life from both leaders. He was so focused on his own goals that he hadn't looked around much at all.

Keeping all of your emotions locked in you isn't good for you, you know. I'd like you to talk about it, as much as you can. If you really believe it will be more harmful than just keeping it to yourself, then I won't pry. But coming from someone with a lot of experience, I recommend you speak to someone about it at least once." Though he really hoped it would be him she talked to. He hated being on the outside of his kits' lives. He'd done it longer than he ever cared to remember, and none of it was his intention to do so. Now that they were in the same clan at the same time, he still felt like they were far away. He wanted to fix that. He had to.

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The instant Honeydew spoke, Falconmoon wished he knew a trick to become one with the rock he was laying on. How ironic that at one point he could send his father to a torturous prison for an entire leaf-bare, slay clanmates and other cats as easily and naturally as breathing, make deals with Dark Forest cats and lead an undead Dark Forest army into his own home, take a life from his already tortured father, force Beechfang to take the life of her own mother in front of the whole clan...

Yet Honeydew raised her voice and he wanted nothing more than to flee. How far we have fallen... An intrusive thought entered. Shush! That's enough! This isn't about us! He scolded himself before returning all of his focus to Honeydew.

"I was chosen to fight in a battle caused by the actions of cats before I was even born,"

...

This is very much about us. Falconmoon sighed, looking away guiltily for a moment. How was I supposed to know that the ripple effect would reach this far, or reach those I cared about even now? Beechfang would never have killed Cloverheart if it weren't for the events at that gathering. The events at that gathering would never have happened if Skyclan and Windclan hadn't had their battle. Their battle would never have happened... if Dawnhawk hadn't lied taken refuge in Windclan. It was a realization that made him feel sick. She continued to speak, each word of her's making him wish more and more that the boulder he was on was a bog in Shadowclan instead. At least then he could just sink into it and eventually drown. What could he even say to her, with this much guilt weighing him down and choking out his voice?

"You wouldn't even look at me, when I was right beside you, Falconmoon."

Now, he looked at her with eyes as round as saucers. The pain in his gaze was evident, like two deep blue pools with bottomless depths. His mouth was agape and his ears were flattened. "I... I didn't even hear you Honeydew..." It didn't feel like an excuse at all to him. Shame pummeled him worse than any adversary he'd ever faced. Shame forced water to well up in his eyes and blur his vision. "I'm so... its not an excuse I know but I am so sorry..." He winced as he forced himself to his feet, pain lashing down his belly like so many angry clawed kicks. He didn't care. Honeydew's pain was more important to him right now. His shame was stronger than gravity pulling down on his weakened and torn muscles. He offered his head to her, hoping she'd reciprocate and butt heads with him, but he wouldn't blame her if she didn't.

I have to tell her something... she is owed at least this much now. Another thought forced it's way into his head an instant later. If we're not careful with what we say, we are finished! But that that was banished from his mind and ignored.

"Honeydew I... I need you to know something about me that I'm not.... not proud of. I have a... Lets call it a condition. Some things and certain cats trigger this condition and Nightstalker, the black tom I attacked, was one of those cats that triggered it. I tunnel vision, I practically go deaf, I hyper fixate on one thing... sometimes I say and do things that are out of character for me.

Other clanmates don't know. I don't want them to know. Beechfang, Wolfblossom and Birdstar were the only ones that knew. Now you. I really didn't mean to ignore you. I swear I couldn't even hear you!" He was pleading with her to understand, while inwardly simultaneously cursing himself for focusing so hard on "Apollo's killer" when Nightstalker wasn't even the one that did it, apparently! What had he said to Perchstar? Only a fool seeks to avenge a corpse? What a fool he was, indeed.

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Thankfully she seemed willing to forgive him. He sighed with relief at her touch, the tension in his shoulders relaxing. His tail even drooped, as if had been helping carry weight and it finally no longer had to.

"Perhaps you could try seeing one of the medicine cats about it?" Falconmoon frowned, but he still allowed her to finish speaking after that. "I've been to see them. It started with horrendous nightmares that wouldn't let me sleep. I would wake up in the night screaming, I could even taste blood on my tongue that wasn't there, even hours later. I was born with this. It will not go away. All I can do is try to prevent it from getting worse." As for how to answer the rest of that question... what could she do to bring him out of it? He'd never even thought about that before. He'd never even thought about he and Dawnhawk being truly separate. Would Dawnhawk hurt Honeydew, or Shatteredsky? Was it crazy to try to separate his past self from his current self?

After a moment's hesitation, his eyes darting from one invisible thing on the ground to the next a few times, he eventually just shook his head. She wanted to help, and he appreciated it, but this was something beyond herbs, beyond a kind word.

"It was frightening, to see you like that." Falconmoon grimaced and it had nothing to do with the wounds on his belly. If he could put his face in his hands, he would have. Beechfang's words echoed in his memories. "They don't need to see you like that." "I'm sorry." What else was there to say? If that was all it took to frighten her... Stars... that wasn't even that bad. It was nothing compared to what he could have done, absolutely nothing at all compared to what he had been before.

I don't think I'd hurt Honeydew. I don't even think I'd hurt Shatteredky, though I'm sure he will make me want to with how he's been already. But... I did hurt Sunfire... That was something I didn't think I would do either. Maybe it was just the stress from the reality of their situation that caused him to do that, rather than Dawnhawk and Falconmoon being truly separate and Dawnhawk started to leak out a bit.

But it was true that he had times where it was very hard knowing who's thoughts were what, or who was angry, or who was sad. There were definitely times it felt like different cats were vying for control in his body, yet that wasn't true either. It was maddening trying to understand it, so he had grown content to just let things play out as they would.

Except now... that was no longer the solution either.

"I am still me... but getting my attention might be harder sometimes. Luckily, the... episode you saw doesn't happen very often. Nightstalker is dead now anyway, so we don't have to worry about that now... Maybe just try to remind me to be better. If you see me going off the deep end just remind me of who I am. Tell me I am better than this. Maybe it will help."

That was the best advice he could give her. As for himself, he needed to work on it. He took a deep sigh, casting away any thoughts about himself. They'd lingered on him enough for now. Now... he looked Honeydew dead in the eye and took on a very serious expression.

"I'd like to talk about you now. I know battle is new and unpleasant for you, and I wish I could tell you that you'd never see another one, but I would be doing you a great disservice by
lying. This is the unfortunate world we live in, Honeydew. All you can do is prepare for it and don't let the cruelty of the world make you cruel. There are cats in this world and even in the next life, love, that will see you, search for the darkness that resides in every cat that has ever walked this earth including you, and when they find it do you know what they will say?

'I can use this.'

And I am warning you now, the cats that think that way can be very very good at what they do. Your fear, your anger, your uncertainty, your pain, your sorrow... they seek it out and pursue it like the wolves did back at the lakes so they can use it for their own selfish desires. There are cats in this world that want nothing more than to smother the light that you carry within you simply because they do not have it, and they hate it." He paused for a moment to let those words sink in, and his gaze remained very serious and fixed on her.

"The worst part is, Honeydew, is that these cats don't even realize what they are doing half of the time. They look like you, they look like me, they look like Wolfblossom, or Shatteredky, or Stormwatcher, or even Perchstar. None of these cats have messages from Starclan etched onto their faces to give you that warning. You have to learn to see it, how to avoid it, or if you get really good, diffuse it. I think the best thing you can do for now is be aware of yourself, be aware of how you may start to change and seek help when you find yourself sliding closer into that darkness that other cats are looking for. Once it has ahold of you, it is very difficult to make it let go. It will convince you that you are wounded, it will convince you that everyone is an enemy, and you will justify those feelings however way you can because admitting you are wrong about something, that you made a mistake, can be the hardest thing to do when you are hurting, or angry or frightened."

Falconmoon's eyes softened and his gaze dropped. His expression went from serious to somber... to something hinting at regret. Slowly that look of regret hardened into anger from some unseen force. "And most cats in this forest are very unforgiving of mistakes; Unwilling to give you a second chance..." It was at that moment he realized he'd been rambling... or maybe venting. She didn't need this right now. He'd said enough. He blinked... and the anger vanished. He looked back up at her, back as Falconmoon that was concerned for his daughter.

"Do you understand what I am trying to tell you?"

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