i've been so good (c)

Perchstar couldn't remember the last time she hadn't been adrift in responsibilities. Now, with a war on the horizon, was certainly no exception. She had plenty of cats to talk to, plenty of things to do--and she had, in fact, for her entire life. But that was no excuse for neglecting an apprentice. And now that Lavenderpaw had finally--at least mostly--recovered from the awful illness that had been plaguing him since the waters of the river were poisoned, she could finally carve out a brief space of time to speak with him. He was the last of her apprentices who hadn't received a name, for multiple reasons. Partially because he was not a traditional warrior apprentice, given his disability. Partially because of how horribly sick he had been, at the same time that she herself had lost a life to the disease. Partially because she had been so stars-cursed busy that there had been no time to see to the special training needs that he had.

Today, though, there were a few moments in which she'd been able to delegate her other responsibilities. Moments in which she could finally speak to her apprentice and perhaps begin truly giving him what he needed... whatever that happened to be. So Perchstar found him in camp and gave him a nod of greeting. "Hello, Lavenderpaw. I've heard that you're feeling better. I hope that the sickness goes away for good this time." She sat down next to him, half-reclined in a semblance of relaxation--though she could never truly relax, he didn't need to know that. It was more convenient to converse with him like this anyway. "How are you feeling? Is there anything that you wish to speak with me about? I apologize for not having much time lately."

Perchstar held in the sigh of relief that Lavenderpaw did not seem to be too ill-affected. It was miraculous, really, that he managed to retain his optimism. It was something about him--his resilience, his strength in choosing to find joy--that she admired and sometimes envied. His life had been difficult from the get-go, but he'd never let it stop him. More than most other cats... he had truly earned his place in RiverClan. Earned his full name. But she'd answer his questions before broaching the topic. Even now, he asked what he could do to help, rather than give his own list of needs. She shook her head gently at him. "I'm all right. Littlesplash's herbs have worked wonders. Always worried about the war, but I've decided, and that's honestly all I can do for now. Just trying to help rebuild what I can and where I can, and that includes speaking to my apprentice." Her torn ear flicked once, but she kept her attention on him. "You help by recovering. And, once you've recovered, I think... it may be time for an assessment of some kind." Perchstar tilted her head at him. "If you feel ready, that is. I know you have not gotten to practice your hunting in a while. But I believe you have proved your abilities to me, and therefore to the Clan. Unless there is something else you wish to do before then?" Of course, it was not an orthodox situation, so it was completely up to her judgment--but she wished him to be involved in the process. "It would not be quite a regular ceremony, as this has not been exactly a regular apprenticeship, but I hope I have been able to provide what you needed... at least so far."

Perchstar couldn't help but flick an ear at Lavenderpaw's kind and reassuring words. He meant well, she knew, but... as much as she loved all her Clanmates, what he said was not true. Not all of them were in favor of this war, Poppyshine least of all. It was still sometimes hard to shake the nagging, nauseating fear that her deputy felt a stronger kinship to Birdstar than to herself. But it was a foolish feeling and the unfamiliarly bitter tang of jealousy did not sit well with her, so she ignored it. She chose instead to focus on the conversation that was currently happening. Lavenderpaw's eagerness suited him well. "I'm sure that one of the senior warriors could conduct a hunting assessment for you," she agreed. "Perhaps Stormdance, or Sprucebark. And I'm sure that Littlesplash would appreciate any help that you offered to give, once you are feeling up to it. He could even come to you. It couldn't hurt to have more cats with even rudimentary knowledge of herbs." Sandyshell... gone far too soon, just as she'd retired from her position. And poor Wrenpaw, her daughter, still lying ill with a lingering sickness that made dread sink into Perchstar's bones every time she remembered its presence. Her throat tightened. The warrior oath... to fight and die for the Clan. Something that Lavenderpaw could not do in quite the same way as his peers. Though his gratitude towards her showed in a passionate blaze within his eyes, she could not quite accept its zeal entirely. "Fighting is not the only way to show loyalty and dedication," she said softly. "Your oath may not be that of a traditional warrior, but you may make one nonetheless. An oath of commitment to your Clan, perhaps, and of assistance. You have every right to a ceremony just as any other apprentice."