sigh for another day the same as the last (c)

Bubblepaw sat atop a snowdrift in SkyClan's makeshift camp, staring up at the bright blue of the sky as if it could give her comfort. SkyClan seemed to be settling fairly well into their new routine--despite the sickness and the rumored whispers of war. It should have given her cause to relax. However, she lashed her tail through the snow, clearing away a small patch of frostbitten brown grass. Her paws itched. If Birdstar and Gramma Wolfblossom got too comfortable here... what if they decided to stay? What if they never went back home? Would that be okay? Would she be okay with that? Honestly, she wasn't sure. She wanted to go back to where she grew up. She wanted to believe what everyone told her, that this was temporary. But what if they went back and there was still no prey? Or if they were too lost to find their way back?

Some part of her longed for the time before the journey, before the skirmish, before everything. She almost wanted to be a kit again. To roll around and throw moss at her sisters... Cypresskit who hadn't made it to apprenticeship, Ploverpaw who might be gone forever now. Her brother Bearpaw, who had been growing more distant. She hadn't even talked to Sorrelpaw in a little while because the weight of grief hanging over them was too much to bear. She loved her family--she loved her family. Why then was it so hard to speak to them? Why then did her father's eyes make her quail away when she remembered the fire blazing in them? Soft gray paws kneaded in the snow, unaware of the cold seeping through them. Once Bubblepaw got thinking like this, it became hard to stop. She didn't even notice the sound of someone approaching her from behind.

There were some days where Wolfblossom felt as if she were so busy she hardly saw her own family. The clan was settling in to this strange territory by the lake well enough, and with Smokepetal and her apprentices making progress, it seemed like some of their sick cats were on the way to recovery. There were new kits in the nursery, apprentices still in training... And not nearly enough mentors to go around. Still, their situation was improving, at least within the clan. Albeit slowly. Outside of the clan... Well. They would just have to deal with the nest they had made... And hopefully prevent it from becoming any more shredded. Today though, Wolfblossom was going to try to spend time with her clanmates outside of assigning patrols and barking orders.

Blue eyes scanned the snowy camp, spotting a gray pelt sitting atop a snowdrift. Bubblepaw, she realized. Her granddaughter seemed wholly lost to her own thoughts, paws kneading the cold snow. She had grown... Distant with her and her siblings lately, too focused on other things. Ploverpaw had vanished during the storm on that cursed journey to this new land, and still hadn't been found. Birdstar had fallen ill, there had been so much to do that she hadn't checked in on Bubblepaw at all. Time to change that, the deputy decided.

Snow crunched softly under Wolfblossom's paws as she padded toward the apprentice. "Bubblepaw?" She called when she didn't stir, "Are you alright?"

A jolt of surprise ran through Bubblepaw at the sudden interruption of her thoughts, making her long fur stand on end for a brief moment. When she turned and saw that it was just Gramma Wolfblossom, she let out a quiet sigh of relief. "Sorry, Gramma, you startled me!" Her momentarily-tense muscles relaxed. Her soft tail waved behind her in the snow, leaving a fan-shaped emptiness behind it. "I was just lost in thought, I guess." An evasive answer. Why didn't she want to talk about her worries? It was Wolfblossom, who had never been anything but honest and kind to her. Bubblepaw frowned slightly, feeling her ears pin back against her head. "I'm... kinda worried, is all. About the illness and about leaving home. I mean, we're going to go back, right? I don't really want to stay here forever."

"Sorry, Bubblepaw. I didn't mean to startle you." Wolfblossom wished to go to her, but the fear of sharing her illness with a cat who wasn't yet sick kept her paws where they were. "I'd hug you, but... Well." She huffed, tail twitching.

Bubblepaw's words made her ears pin back against her head, but her worries were far from unfounded. Wolfblossom wished to reassure her, but the fact was... Even she didn't have the answers. "It's concerning, yes. The medicine cats are working hard. It seems like some of the sicker cats are starting to recover, at least." She began, that at least, was good news, and true. The illness was going to be worrying until all of their cats were fully recovered. As for returning home... A soft sigh escaped her. She would answer honestly, her granddaughter deserved that. "I... don't know, Bubblepaw. Stars, I hope we do. I know leaving the forest in pursuit of survival was for the best but... It feels like abandoning home, doesn't it? The mountains are too dangerous to pass now, probably... But I have to believe we'll return home." Even so, the thought of Thornstalker buried here, so far from home, made Wolfblossom's heart wrench. But she had to tell herself that living here, in these unfamiliar lands, wasn't permanent. There was too much history left in the forest, in their rightful home, for the clans to abandon it, even if the territories were incapable of sustaining them. But surely things would change, leafbare was always a bad time, wasn't it?

If living here was permanent... They would adjust, in time. Slowly. Agonizingly.

Oh--right. Wolfblossom was sick still. Bubblepaw's mind toyed with the concept of stepping forward anyway, in some distant hope of becoming sick. Some desperate part of her still thought it might be possible to bargain with the stars that had taken Ploverpaw away. If she suffered, could she bring it all onto herself and get her sister back? But that made no sense, and she quickly dismissed it, no matter how much she wanted the hug. At least Gramma told the truth. Bubblepaw listened, trying not to let her ears pin back against her head as she heard that even the medicine cats and deputy didn't know everything. Not even Birdstar knew everything. It would have been so much easier to believe that someone in charge was doing things and knew that they were doing it right... but it was becoming increasingly obvious that the world didn't work that way. "I hope we do too," she agreed, hoping it sounded like a casual wish instead of her deepest desire on which so many dreams rode. The thought of getting her warrior ceremony at this strange place made her want to throw up. "Do you think if we get back... the prey will be better? Will there be birds in the forest again?" She stopped herself short. "No, wait, you don't know that either. I'm sorry. There's not really much point in asking that, is there? I talk too much." The tip of her tail twitched, so she drew it around her paws. "A different question. Um... what is the Moonstone journey like? I know we don't have one here, but. Just in case we go back soon."

"If we make it back in newleaf, maybe there will be. As the leaves and flowers return, so does prey." Or maybe if they returned, the territory would be just as barren as when they had left it, but that was not something Wolfblossom would say out loud.

The moonstone was something every apprentice should have gotten to experience. That there was nothing here like it felt strange to Wolfblossom, though it seemed the ancestors were still able to reach medicine cats and apprentices alike. She wasn't sure how she felt about the lack of a journey, but those who became warriors and medicine cats under these strange skies were still valid, to her. Journey to speak with Starclan or no journey. "The trip to the moonstone is a long one. Tedious, some of our clanmates might say. We would leave camp at the crack of dawn, eating nothing but a bundle of bitter, strong-smelling herbs that the medicine cats made. For strength, and to keep hunger at bay and our energy up. Nasty tasting stuff, but it worked. We'd follow the river or thunderpath along the borders, passing the territory of the other clans, passing fourtrees, passing Windclan. The forest would turn from dense undergrowth to moorland, and then from moorland the ground became rocky and steep as we approached highstones." Describing the journey sent a pang of nostalgia through her. Wolfblossom had enjoyed her walks with each apprentice that she had taken there when the medicine cats couldn't. "The sun set behind the mountains, casting long shadows as we would reach mothermouth, the entrance of the tunnels that would lead to the moonstone. Narrow and winding, they're impossible to see in, you had to use your whiskers. A few tail lengths in, and it was pitch black, just about. Until suddenly it wasn't - eventually you'd make out the outline of a cat's ears, or see the faint glow coming from somewhere farther in. It would grow stronger as you walked, until you finally emerged into a cavern. The moonstone was bright and shining, and if you craned your head and looked up, you would see the moon itself through a crack in the cavern's ceiling. Touch your nose to it, curl up, and sleep came easily... Or at least for me it did. I opened my eyes and found myself in a starlit forest. I don't remember much of what was said now, it's been a long time."

"You might not get to see the moonstone while we're here, but you're still capable of becoming a warrior even without it, I think." Wolfblossom added. "And you won't need those awful traveling herbs..." There was a hint of amusement in her eyes as she spoke.

Gramma Wolfblossom was good at spinning stories. For a moment Bubblepaw tried to forget all her worries, as if she was a kit being told a nursery tale again. She closed her eyes and allowed the imagery to soak in. Her nose scrunched at the mention of bitter herbs--she'd helped Thymepaw sort a couple times, and she couldn't imagine actually eating those pungent-smelling leaves. But the long journey sounded pretty. Seeing all the other territories... not on an aimless wander through the mountains like they'd done, but through the places where other cats actually lived. She could see the setting sun and the tall shadows stretching out in front of them as if she were actually there. She could feel cold stone encroaching on her whiskers. And, then... the Moonstone itself. That, she couldn't quite picture. Even her overactive imagination struggled to conjure the image of a crystal spire glowing by moonlight. But... "I'm sure it's beautiful," she whispered. Sleep, and a starlit forest. The wisdom of the ancestors. Maybe they could help with her problems. But as Wolfblossom ended her remarks, the crushing weight of disappointment lowered the wonder Bubblepaw had felt. They were what seemed like infinite fox-lengths away from the Moonstone. Maybe... maybe she'd never see it again.

Though it was obvious that Gramma Wolfblossom was trying to help cheer her up, the sour taste in the back of Bubblepaw's throat wouldn't go away. Her ears lowered, and she looked away with a hint of petulance she wasn't proud of. "I don't wanna be a warrior without it. I wanna go back home... I wanna be a warrior normally like everybody else." Her eyes began to sting, so she blinked hard, willing any unhappiness away. It was mouse-brained of her to act like this, she knew. It wasn't Wolfblossom's fault. "Sorry, I just... I don't know. It all sounds so nice. I don't want to be here forever. I don't want to be a warrior like this, and have that part of me tied to this place. I wanna go home." She knew she sounded like a kit. Shame made her tail curl behind her.

"It is beautiful... I wish the cats becoming warriors here would be able to experience it fully." Wolfblossom sighed. She wasn't sure where her own beliefs and faith in Starclan stood. Her family had been split between devout and bitterly heretical, and she had seen the reasons for each herself. But traveling to the moonstone, the potential conversations... They were a learning opportunity just as the lessons any mentor taught.

The deputy's gaze softened at Bubblepaw's next words, even as her resolve that the clan would go home one day grew. "We'll be home, I don't know when, but we will be." She mewed. Maybe after the snows had stopped and made the mountain passable again... The journey across it had been harsh with the bad storms and there hadn't been tail lengths of snow on the ground, bitter cold or such terrible sickness to contend with. "I understand where you're coming from. Sometimes I think the kits born and growing here have it easier - this is all they know. Nothing ties them to where we came from. I hope none of them will feel the same way i- when we finally do go home." If, she'd almost said, but Wolfblossom did not want to acknowledge the constant worry swirling in the back of her mind. Skyclan would go home, there would be no 'if.'