i wanna forget my bad days [c]

A moment's rest was hard to find for Leopardstar on a good day. For the past several moons, she could not recall a single good day; and so she could not clearly recall a single moment's rest. Now, though, she had expertly delegated; leaving ShadowClan in Sablestrike's more-than-capable paws long enough for her to steal some time away from the crowd of cats from every Clan. She wasn't alone, though: she'd expected Pineblossom might similarly appreciate a break, as minding kits was an exhausting task that likewise took a toll on any cat.

Though she felt a little lightheaded, and the sneezing had lingered even as the rain began to subside (leaving the ground damp; the feeling of wet ground beneath her paws achingly familiar despite the distance from home), this was the lightest she'd felt in days.

"Thank you for joining me out here. I've found it's hard to take any time to think, or just breathe."

Pineblossom

Pineblossom was grateful that she could get a moment with Leopardstar. She had slowly grown closer to her since Nightstalker had lost his title as leader, and they had grown much closer after Honeylight’s death. She was worried about Leopardstar pushing herself too hard. Her leader cared deeply for the clan, but Pineblossom noted that it was often to her own health’s detriment.

“Thank you for inviting me out with you,” Pineblossom replied. “I needed a break…I love my kits more than anything, but I didn’t realize just how exhausting raising five kits at once would be.” She knew that she would miss them when they grew old enough to be apprentices and then warriors, though…She’d miss those days wrangling them, when she seemed to be the only thing on their minds.

She looked back at Leopardstar. “I don’t blame you for feeling that way. It’s been a stressful journey for everyone, but I bet it has been especially hard trying to keep everyone organized. Sablestrike has been helpful, though?”

ShadowClan • Tier 5 • She/Her • 70 | 160 • #6699ff

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"I know the feeling," Leopardstar laughed, recalling the leaf-bare before; when she'd had her kits, all of them, at Highstones. They were wonderful, but it was a struggle to handle them on a good day. "Though I didn't have to travel with them until they were older, and not so far. Still... It's worth it, isn't it?"

And then the conversation turned to her leadership, and more specifically to her deputy.

"A surprising amount," she admitted. "I wasn't entirely sure if I made the right choice at first--everything happened so suddenly, and I hardly felt like I was thinking clearly even at the time--but he's been an asset in ways I could never have expected."

Pineblossom

Pineblossom gave a small smile when Leopardstar spoke of kits. She nodded and agreed softly that it was, indeed, worth it. She continued, “I agree that Sablestrike was a good choice. He was eager for power, but I think it was because he believed he could help the clan, not because he desired control.” She believed the same of Nightstalker, though she knew that there were a lot of mixed feelings surrounding their former leader. “I think he’ll balance you out. It’s good for deputies and leaders to have contrasting views; it keeps you both in check. You have both been doing well for the clan, in my eyes.”

ShadowClan • Tier 5 • She/Her • 70 | 160 • #6699ff

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"I'm glad you agree with me on that front," Leopardstar nodded. "I'm not sure everyone understood at first that I wanted someone who could bring a different perspective. I trust him to see things I might miss, because I'm looking at it a different way. It's the same reason I made the council choices I did." Even if the council had shrunk as much as the Clan, now; after Snowfoot's death. "It might have looked like pointless bias, but I needed cats who could talk me down if I get too into my own head. Cats I knew I would listen to, even if I didn't want to hear what they were saying. Does that make sense?"

She hadn't laid our her reasoning so plainly before, or at least she didn't think she had. Pineblossom was reasonable enough, she'd be able to tell if Leopardstar wasn't; that was what had made her the first choice for said council.

"I still don't know if I was ever meant to be a leader, really. But I suppose it's a little late to reconsider." Not to mention that it had never really been a choice. Not in any way that mattered. But that wasn't a burden to place on the rest of her Clanmates; her role was to carry it and find happiness--or at least peace--in spite of that. On a lighter, friendlier note, she continued with another question: "How much trouble have your kits gotten into while you weren't on top of them?"

Pineblossom

Pineblossom nodded along. She always found Leopardstar to be the reasonable one between her and Nightstalker. It disappointed her that she held such doubt for her ability to lead the clan, though she didn’t blame her for the uncertainty, given all that happened right before she took over as leader. Still, she said aloud, “I think you need to give yourself a little more credit, Leopardstar. Good leaders care for their clan and do what is best for them. That doesn’t make them infallible, but you’ve already got the good qualities needed for a leader.”

When Leopardstar changed the subject, Pineblossom let her; she knew that dwelling on the subject of leadership, deputies, and so on would only be stressful right now. “They’re all sweethearts who don’t really seem to get into trouble except for Wolfkit.” She laughed. “I suppose I named him appropriately…He’s always playing ‘pranks’ on his siblings or other clanmates, but I’m afraid they get a little out of hand. I’ve scolded him a few times about it but he doesn’t seem to quite understand why it may be wrong.” She shook her head. “I got so lucky with Honeylight, and Silverhawk too. They weren’t troublemakers. I’m worried I’m a little out of my depth.”

ShadowClan • Tier 5 • She/Her • 70 | 160 • #6699ff

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Pineblossom's reassurance wasn't unwelcome, but she wasn't sure what to do with it: Leopardstar always did her best for ShadowClan, yes, but her best had previously had unforeseen consequences. It was difficult to distance herself from the thought of it, that entire spiral of events that had gone so poorly. Lingering wounds that now, seasons later, had only just started to heal.

That her friend caught on to the change in conversation and accepted it was a relief. "I never had too much trouble with mine getting out of paw either, so I don't really have any advice to share. They were always mostly well-behaved. Well, I suppose Batswarm and Moondancer were rather vain from the beginning, but that didn't exactly get them into trouble until they were older."

Perhaps she should have been counting her blessings while she had the chance. She'd seen Pineblossom wrangling Wolfkit a few times now, but the extent of it wasn't something she'd been aware of prior; she hadn't had the time to pay close attention.

There was a moment's solemn silence as she recalled Honeylight. Her closest friend, aside from Echomist, and even after all she'd done--when even her own kits and Echomist had turned away--Honeylight had supported her. Until he couldn't.

"Well, a certain amount of troublemaking is to be expected. I suppose all you can do is try to make sure he knows not to go too far--and hope his mentor isn't too overwhelmed if he hasn't calmed down by then."

Pineblossom

Pineblossom chuckled and nodded. “Certainly,” she agreed. “A vigilant mentor would be good for him…I’m hoping that Silverhawk or myself could be his mentor if he is still having issues. We’ve both been doing our best to soothe the habits he has.” She looked at Leopardstar. “But of course I’ll leave the final decision to Sablestrike’s discretion. I’m sure whoever is chosen as Wolfkit’s mentor will be a good one.”

ShadowClan • Tier 5 • She/Her • 70 | 160 • #6699ff

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"I have faith that he'll find a suitable mentor--although I could always pass those thoughts on to him, if you'd like." Leopardstar wasn't sure if Pineblossom would accept the offer or not: she seemed happy enough to accept whatever outcome, and it wasn't as though even sharing her concerns would definitely sway Sablestrike one way or the other. Still, she felt as if she should make it. "Still, I'm glad to hear you've been doing your best to handle him as is. I imagine it's difficult, but probably better than allowing him to do as he likes unchecked."

Pineblossom

Pineblossom shook her head. “I don’t believe there is any need for that. Sablestrike will choose a suitable mentor.” She did not want to micromanage her children, and she trusted in her leadership. “And most certainly. His pranks have been diminishing since I spoke with him about them. If he’s not pranking, then he is at least trying to find other interests with his siblings…It’s a start.” She looked to Leopardstar. “How have your kits been doing?” With her own litter keeping her so busy, she hadn’t had much time to pay attention to the rest of the clan like she used to.

ShadowClan • Tier 5 • She/Her • 70 | 160 • #6699ff

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"If you say so. Still, if you change your mind, I'm sure you know where to find me. Or him, honestly; but I've really been trying not to put too much pressure on him, either. It nearly drove me to madness, when I spent more than half my time dealing with someone else's messes."

And then the question she'd been dreading arrived. Leopardstar gave a shaky sigh, and a cough followed quickly.

"Things are... Better, I think. Not by much. But not as strained as they were before." She shrugged lightly. "I don't always know what's going on with them. You'd have to ask yourself. I can't exactly blame them for keeping their distance, after everything."

Not when I was the one to walk away. For their sake, but still... And look where we are.

"I'm proud of them, though. I always have been."

Pineblossom

Pineblossom smiled and she nodded. She meowed, “You did a good job raising them. I’m proud of them too.” She looked around at their surroundings as the conversation grew quiet. It was nice out here, even with leafbare creeping in. The crisp air felt nice. “Do you think we’ll find a good place to stay, wherever we’re going?”

ShadowClan • Tier 5 • She/Her • 70 | 160 • #6699ff

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"I certainly hope so," Leopardstar snorted. "Otherwise, this entire trek was rather pointless. What would we do then? Just turn around, this close to leaf-bare?"

She shook her head. "We'll find something. If we can't thrive, we will at least survive. We always have."

ShadowClan would survive. They were survivors, born and raised to weather the worst; and while their lot in life rarely felt fair, they managed to live despite it.