My Head's A Wreck, I'll Be Fine [SOLO]

With the stars out, most of Skyclan had gone to their nests for the night. Beechfang had opted to take the night guard. There was little chance of her sleeping anyways, might as well let some other warrior get the chance to while her thoughts kept her awake. It was better than closing her eyes and seeing Bloodstrike, or the body of her own kit at the edge of camp. Both had been buried, though to Beechfang it hardly felt as if neither were truly laid to rest. Trufflesnap at least, would be undeserving of such. Her betrayal cut deep, and every time Beechfang caught sight of Birdstar’s haunted expression or Wolfblossom’s newly scarred shoulders she felt fury burning in her chest. And grief, so much grief.

Above, the stars glittered coldly. Beechfang’s gaze lifted from the camp entrance, gazing up at them with a frown. Tonight, they felt particularly distant and cold, and the shiver that made its way down her spine had little to do with the slow change of the seasons or the faint chill in the air.

If she looked at the camp entrance, she could see Trufflesnap’s still body, though her daughter was buried days ago. If she averted her eyes, her own paws were bloodstained for so long that they never seemed clean. She had tried so hard to teach her kits not to follow her pawsteps, but the lingering scent of Trufflesnap’s body showed just how much she failed there, too. Was this her penance for Lilacstar and Cloverheart? Retribution for what she and Dawnhawk had wrought? For taking Bloodstrike’s life with her own paws, as heartbreakingly necessary as it was, even after she had told her kits to never do the same if they could help it? The stars must’ve been laughing at their family, to see what carnage they visited upon each other so easily. Dawnhawk would – well, Dawnhawk was here now, wasn’t he? Hearing Falconmoon call Bloodstrike ‘dad’ was something else entirely, something Beechfang was even less sure of how to deal with than the situation with her daughters. Two things she very much wanted to believe were just figments of her restless paranoia-fueled nightmares.

Her previous actions were a lesson to her kits. One that Trufflesnap had taken into her own paws, and not how Beechfang had ever wanted it to be taken. She’d heard her mother’s words and decided to do the exact opposite. It made Beechfang’s stomach twist, how easily she had done so, how Birdstar had recounted the events. ‘She said she’d known this would happen... She claimed this was a prophecy.’ Beechfang found that she wanted to vomit upon hearing it. Even thinking it felt beyond wrong. If Starclan had -

No. The ones who now walked among their ranks that she had known in life would not have allowed it. She had to believe that much. It was a delusion.

Maybe expecting her kin not to repeat the transgressions of the past had always been a losing battle when Beechfang herself couldn’t seem to escape that grasp, either. Perhaps it was Beechfang’s cynicism that had helped twist fate into her worst nightmares. The one thing she had never wanted was for her kits to follow in her bloody pawsteps. And they had. With such little prompting.

Or maybe the stars were just that cruel. Always, her thoughts seemed to circle back to this, and always, she found herself struggling, questioning. Attempting to reconcile with the good cats she knew were up there – Dustpaw, Sagelight, Copperfox, Wolfstar and Blossomstep, Foxfire and Flowerthorn... Mossbloom and Dovefrost, the kits who would never view her as mother, all gone to the stars prematurely. And now all but two of the kits from her second litter, as well. She had outlasted them all. Why? Was she doomed to watch her family destroy each other time and time again, just as the dead were? Her tail lashed once more as she gazed up at the stars above, her expression baleful. Trufflesnap... She should have known about this long before it had ended in lives being taken. She was their mother, and she had failed them. Again. Had the stars known just how black her heart was, or had they too been blind to it? Beechfang couldn’t tell if it was their apathy for the living, or a genuine failing.

An old conversation with Mossbloom that had often occupied her thoughts was one she now pondered as she sat in the darkened camp. She’d been right about a lot of things, but Beechfang still found herself questioning her insights on Starclan. She thought she agreed with her old mentor, and yet... She couldn’t shake off her frustration at when the stars chose to act or not act. Their interference had led to so many unnecessary consequences, and yet... A warning, a sign. Anything would be better than finding out her own kits were killing each other after the fact. Sometimes they had answers, sometimes they didn’t, and it was maddening. Beechfang knew it was maddening, but she couldn’t seem to pull her thoughts away from the subject. Where had she gone wrong, as a medicine cat? As a mother?

Part of her longed to be able to ask, to seek guidance, but she doubted the stars would answer even if they could. They hadn’t in the past, why should this be any different? At least, she thought, Dovefrost would be horrified and disappointed in what had happened. Plumleaf too, who had never shared their family’s propensity for violent solutions to perceived problems. Bloodstrike, she thought, might see the same bitter irony that Beechfang did. Cursed to follow their predecessors, cursed to repeat the same mistakes over and over. It truly was in their blood. Theirs was a family bred for war, bred for pain and loss. If it did not find them, they sought it out to the detriment of their own in a vicious cycle. Perhaps, she thought, this was nothing that the stars or any other entity could help with.

Birdstar, at least, had not let it spiral. She had learned from their mistakes and ended the situation decisively, before Trufflesnap could do worse. The thought was sickening even as she was proud of Birdstar for doing what was needed. As detestable as she found it... It had been the right thing to do. For the clan. For what little remained of this wreck of a family.

Perhaps ‘wreck’ was too kind of a word. But it was hers. Her eye drifted from the camp entrance to Birdstar’s den. She had yet to really speak with her, but she would have to, soon. Birdstar had tried to hide it at that clan meeting, but Beechfang saw how the situation tore at her daughter. Wolfblossom, too. She wanted to help, to reassure them, even if she knew she wasn’t the best cat to do so considering... Well, everything Beechfang had done in her own life. It wasn’t fair to them, to sit here and say nothing, and yet what could she possibly begin to say? That it shouldn’t have happened, things never should have come to this, that she was disappointed? Would they want her to say she hoped Trufflesnap was rotting in the dark forest for taking one of Birdstar’s lives and trying to take Wolfblossom down with her? That she hated herself for that last thought, because Trufflesnap was still her daughter? That they had done the right thing? That she was disappointed in them for it, because she had warned them against ever raising claws against their own in the past? That Beechfang was sorry, sorry that she had failed so completely in recognizing (or even knowing about) this and stopping it before it became a problem?

...None of those things would be a lie, Beechfang thought, and none of them would be the right thing to say. She didn’t know what would be, only that she needed to say something to them. Instead, of course, she was sitting here, pointedly not approaching Birdstar’s den or Wolfblossom’s nest. Maybe she would figure it out, but she doubted it would be tonight with her head swimming, full of a near-indistinguishable meld of doubt, anger and regret.

The only thing she was certain of was the need to protect what was left. Of her sanity, of her family. Fate had taken enough from her over the moons and wouldn’t take what little remained.