all things come to pass [open]

Iceheart

It started with a pain that awoke her from deep sleep. Iceheart had never had kits before, but she could sense something was wrong. She hissed for Forestbreeze and called for Burdockroot. The pain continued for what felt like hours and everything was a blur of orders and herbs and sticks. In the end, there were three bundles of fur, and their warmth was quickly fading.

Iceheart nosed at them, trying to get them to shift and mewl. She licked at them, trying to keep them warm, but it felt useless. She knew. She knew as deeply in her soul as she could. But she couldn’t believe it all the same.

“Do something,” Iceheart murmured. It was unclear if she was speaking to Burdockroot, to Forestbreeze, or to herself. But there was nothing that could be done. And it was no one’s fault. Iceheart knew that Burdockroot had done everything correctly and done all she could, but there would be no changing this outcome. It felt like fate…perhaps it was. Iceheart had let herself believe that all she touched did not turn to dust, and this felt like a reminder from StarClan to not grow so comfortable in her place.

She slowly laid down again. She curled her body around the three kits that never would be. They would need to be taken and buried somewhere, of course. Forestbreeze would likely do it, as Iceheart was too exhausted to join him. For now…she wanted some time with them. Even if they never took a first breath, they were still her first litter, and she wanted to remember each of them.

Should I name them? she wondered. The thought brought fresh tears to her eyes. Speaking their names aloud felt too painful, but they deserved names.

The first kit was very dark, nearing black. It looked so small, like a pebble found amidst the small murky pools in the deep marshes. Her stomach churned at the though. Pebblekit.

The second looked a lot like her, with brown fur, and it had the speckled white that dotted her own face. It reminded her of the muddy ground of their territory after a fresh hailstorm. Hailkit.

The final kit bore a striking resemblance to Forestbreeze, which made it all the harder to look at it. It only felt appropriate to don this kit with a name similar to Forest’s. A tree, then…Sycamorekit.

The kits having names only made Iceheart want to wail. She pressed her face into Forestbreeze’s fur. She wished this had never happened. She wished they weren’t here anymore. She wished they would never be taken away. Her chest roared with a raging storm and fire and deep, unrelenting cold ice. She had never wanted so badly to truly embody what the Dark Forest cat had named her. If her heart truly was as unfeeling as a chunk of ice, perhaps this loss would not cut her so deeply.

How was she supposed to wake up the next morning, no longer pregnant, but with no kits? How was she supposed to return to her usual warrior life? How was she to tell Honeylight, Nightstar, or look any other cat in the eye following this? Iceheart felt like a failure. She felt like she had lost a piece of herself. She felt…everything and nothing, all at once.

ShadowClan • Tier 5 • She/Her • 70 | 160 • #6699ff

Credits: code inspiration - 1 2 |  image 1 | image 2 | image 3

Honeylight came home from a hunt, and almost immediately became aware that something was wrong. With Iceheart. He wasn’t allowed in the nursery while Burdockroot worked, so he sat pacing outside it, wearing a groove into the ground outside it as his tail thrashed from side to side. Anxiety clawed at his heart. What if something was wrong with the kits? With Iceheart? He didn’t know how any of this worked, but he knew queens could die in childbirth, that something could easily go wrong with the kits themselves… Honeylight’s throat felt like it was closed, like his fur was crawling. Several times over the long agonizing hours of waiting, he worked himself up into a frenzy, breathing becoming difficult and eyes stinging with tears as he imagined the possibilities until he managed to calm himself down again.

And then, after what felt like a lifetime, he was given permission to enter the nursery. He pushed through the entrance gingerly. He didn’t go to the nursery often under normal circumstances. He rarely spent anytime with kits, and the nursery held nothing but bad memories for him. He had hoped that with the new additions to his new family, that would change… but as he took in the scene before him, he knew this would not be the case. He did not need to ask.

Honeylight’s eyes landed on the lifeless bundles of fur Iceheart was curled around, and his throat closed up, tears pricking his eyes as he looked at the siblings he would never get to meet. Selfishly, he could not bear to look at them, so he tore his eyes away and looked at Iceheart. “Ma?” he croaked softly, moving closer to her, brushing comfortingly against Forestbreeze in the process of pressing his nose to her forehead. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He shut his eyes and just pressed close to both of his parents.

Silverkit

The sudden snapping and hissing had Silverkit sitting blearily upright, awoken from his dreamless nap. It took him a moment to register the source of the sound, but he came to realize it was Iceheart. He didn’t have time to properly acknowledge the fact her kits were coming before more cats were shoving their way into the den.

Without being told, Silverkit moved to a corner of the den, setting himself there silently with his back turned to the commotion. There was something to all the clamor that put fear into him. Orders and running back and forth and hissing and pain and… he thought the cats behind him sounded scared, too. Silverkit bunched up his shoulders, tucking his chin into his chest fur.

It wasn’t until Iceheart’s voice, clearer than it had been since this started, reached his ears that he turned around. There she was, with Forestbreeze and Burdockroot passing around her, the former lingering near her side. And three little kits beside her– still, and silent. Silverkit frowned, ears turning downwards. His pale eyes lingered on them for a long while, processing.

Tears formed in Iceheart’s eyes. The den’s entrance rustled, and Honeylight brushed in, his own eyes starting to mist near-immediately as he pressed between Iceheart and Forestbreeze. A heavy feeling Silverkit had no name for tugged at his chest, and he felt small in the wake of it. Nightstar joined then too, cold in his appearance, but he took his own place among them, pressing against Iceheart.

Unthinking, he got to his paws. His steps dragged, stirring lightly through the nests he padded over. Silverkit wasn’t sure what prompted him to move; he had little place in this grieving. He tried to keep his eyes on the two toms as he approached, but he couldn’t keep himself from looking at the kits Iceheart didn’t get to have. Even when he didn’t want to, he couldn’t look away from them, chilled to his core.

Wordlessly, Silverkit settled down near Iceheart’s unoccupied side. He was careful not to get too close, half a tail-length away from the group, but within sight of Iceheart. He wanted to say something, it felt like he should, but… his throat closed when he tried. A tight scowl quickly turned into a deep frown. Resting his chin on his paws, Silverkit stared at Iceheart, eyes full of sadness while he lay blinking slowly at her and the gathering mourners.