|  | Poppyshine |
Two more of her children dead and Perchstar missing. Poppyshine did not believe there would be any way for the universe to make her feel worse than when her entire family had been kidnapped by the twolegs, but somehow, the universe found a way.
Poppyshine could not afford as much time outside of camp now, not when she had to fulfill both leader and deputy duties. She knew that she could appoint a temporary deputy to assist her, but that felt like accepting that Perchstar would not come back. Of course she would come back. She would return just as the rest of her family had from the kidnapping. She had several more lives left, and those would not just be wasted, surely…So she stayed in camp, taking up time in the leader’s den when she needed a moment of peace. The leader’s den made her heart ache still. This was where Perchstar slept; it had trinkets of her past like small stones and leaves, and even goose feathers which Poppyshine fondly recognized as coming from their first outing when she was an apprentice. There was also an old nest growing dusty in the corner. Even after all these moons, Perchstar had never thrown out Ashflight’s nest. Poppyshine could not blame her leader. If Perchstar truly never returned, she was not sure she could ever throw out Perchstar’s nest either.
She paced back and forth to try and force out her nervous energy. As she was alone, she let the tears she held inside when out in the camp roll down her cheeks.
Two more of her children were gone, and now four remained. Sandyshell, Rowansong, and Sprucebark, and then Hawkshriek, the last left of Owlshriek and Mapleleaf’s litter. Poor Hawkshriek. Poppyshine’s head lowered in shame. She promised Mapleleaf and Owlshriek alike that she would look after their kits, and she’d failed on multiple occasions. For all she knew, Hawkshriek would get sick and die like Sleepycloud, or drown in the river like Sootspirit, or collapse from heatstroke like Rainpaw, or just fade away like Hickorypaw. Was Poppyshine not doing as much as she should be? Was it on her for not keeping a closer eye on her children, or for not teaching them enough, or for not spotting signs of sickness? A part of her knew that it was not her fault, but she could not help but think it anyway. She had always wanted to be a mother, yet her children kept dying all around her.
Poppyshine paused in her pacing and slowly sat down. An unseen weight pressed down on her, causing her head to sink lower. She allowed herself her moment of grief. She grieved her lost son and daughter, and her missing leader. She grieved all the children and friends she had lost. Poppyshine muffled her cries enough so they would not be heard outside the den, but she let herself cry all the same. Her tears pooled in the sands beneath her, turning a small patch into soft mud. She wept and grieved until she felt sick, and so she swallowed the rest down to keep that from happening.
“Make your grieving easy and don’t linger too long,” Poppyshine whispered to herself.
“Be concerned for the living.” She closed her eyes, and she counted to five.
One.Her mind swarmed with visions of her childhood friends and those she had lost. Rushtalon smiling at her and beckoning her across the river; Owlshriek leaning against her during their shared vigil; Dovesight talking with her early in the morning when they awoke before all the rest. She thought of them, thought of how she lost them, grieved their loss with hiccupping gasps.
Two.She saw her children she had lost. Teaching Rainpaw how to fish at the river; tucking some moss around Sleepycloud while she rested in her nest; tidying up Reedpaw before his apprentice ceremony; telling stories to Olivepaw to help her sleep; watching Minksplash swim around in the waters and having the time of her life; talking to Sootspirit about butterflies and life and the territory; spending days in the medicine den with Hickorypaw while he was recovering. Shame and guilt and longing to see each of them again pained Poppyshine’s heart as fresh tears dripped down her cheeks.
Three.She thought of all the time she spent with Perchstar, and how she was one of the first cats she can remember meeting. Memories of their training sessions together; Perchstar rescuing her from the river; days spent in one another’s company; being asked to be deputy; times spent deliberating how to best assist the clan; Perchstar sacrificing one of her lives for Poppyshine’s sake; Poppyshine caring for Perchstar after she recovered from lives lost; the both of them grieving and comforting one another through the worst in their lives. Fear flooded Poppyshine as she wondered if Perchstar would ever return, or if she was doomed to remain missing just as Rushtalon or Olivepaw or Reedpaw or all the rest. She cried as she thought about her simply never returning.
Four.Poppyshine’s thought turned to those she still had left. Rowansong, Sandyshell, Sprucebark, Hawkshriek, Stormdance, Brookstone, Smallbean, Leopardsun, Wolfblossom, Birdstar…Family, clanmates, friends; she was not alone. They all helped her in different ways during terrible points in her life. And for her children, they were experiencing a new, awful time in their lives. Poppyshine had lost many, but they had too. And if she remained wallowing in her grief, then she would never be able to help them, or to receive the same joys that she had earned in her life thus far. Her tears slowed and stopped overwhelming her.
Five.Poppyshine took another deep breath and opened her eyes. She felt tired after crying, and there was a slight tremor in her paws as she rose again…but the grief was not quite so overwhelming. Her clan still needed her, as did her children. Perchstar would return again; Poppyshine could feel it in her very bones. But until that happened, she needed to be a strong leader for her clan, and her children needed a strong mother.
“Let the sun set on this day and a new one will begin,” she told herself.
“Just keep warm until dawn. It will be okay. It will be okay.” She repeated that softly to herself a couple more times until the tremor was gone and her face felt dry again. Poppyshine turned towards the entrance and left the leader’s den, holding her head up to continue caring for her clan.
