your only critic is yourself [C]

Rowanpaw

“Fox-dung.”

Rowanpaw’s ears folded backwards and he watched with dismay as the water vole he’d been tracking darted away, leaving his paws to close around empty air. Snorting, Rowanpaw smacked the still-ringing bell with a frustrated paw. The blow didn’t knock it loose, like he’d vainly hoped; instead, the collar spun halfway around his neck, and the bell’s ring was harsher, sharper for a moment before it started to settle. Stupid thing.

Frustration still wrinkled his features when he turned around, retreating to his sole patrol mate. He pushed against her side with a quiet huff, glaring in the direction his prey had once been. At least he felt a little better over it when he was leaning against his mother’s side. Rowanpaw let out a releasing sigh and turned instead to Poppyshine. He was quick to relax when he looked at her, and though it was tired, he smiled.

“We shall just… try again!” He offered softly. There was still a hint of defeat in his voice, but he smiled through it. If he were to talk to anyone about the worst of his troubles, it would be Poppyshine. A part of him wanted to. The habitual part didn’t want to say a word. Besides, she had worried enough for the rest of her moons. Her entire family had been missing, for StarClan’s sake– that was still a shock for Rowanpaw to think about when he’d seen and heard of everyone that had been taken. Gently, Rowanpaw pressed a little closer to her and urged them slowly onward. In a moon or so, he would stop thinking about it.

“I am happy,” he murmured idly, half musing and half assurance. Wherever the statement fell, it was genuine. “I missed you, Mama. I have said that many times now, but I cannot overstate it. It is nice, that I am able to walk with you again.”

Poppyshine

Poppyshine watched with a sad, amused smile as Rowanpaw attempted, but ultimately failed, to catch the vole. She met him halfway and licked his cheek apologetically. “You’ll get there,” she purred softly. She pawed at the collar. “We’ll just keep working to get this off.” A few cats have tried a few times to nibble away at the twoleg material. It was very thick and could not be snapped off so easily as branches or cobwebs. Slowly but surely, it was getting worn down. She was proud of Rowanpaw for taking things in stride and still trying to hunt despite the disadvantage. “Once you’re free of I, I’m sure you’ll have no trouble hunting.”

When he pressed against her, she leaned back into him, pushing secure weight on his flank. “I missed you too, sweetheart. I’m so, so glad that you’re home.” The very notion brings some tears to her eyes and she nuzzled her face against Rowanpaw’s. Every time she thought too much about how grateful she was for her children being home, she got emotional. “I missed our walks too. You always looked at our territory with such a charming outlook.”

Rowanpaw

Rowanpaw only hummed as Poppyshine spoke of the collar. Yes, yes. He would keep trying and celebrate the few successes he could manage with it. Yes, yes– sometime soon, they would find a way to free him of it. But that had been repeated since he’d first returned to camp. Soon. We’ll just keep working. His tail twitched once. It wasn’t that he doubted Poppyshine– he would never doubt her –but he was not so sure. It felt like it would stay clinging to his throat for the rest of his life.

A part of him was scared of it being taken off, as well. He had been with it so long, now– Rowanpaw was afraid of the adjustment. It made his fur prickle, to think it would be an adjustment living without a collar. And yet… it had become a part of him, in some way.

A shudder went through him. He was quick to murmur something about the breeze giving him a chill.

When Poppyshine pressed her face to his, there was no resistance. He was happy to have the further contact to focus him. Still, his nose wrinkled a bit; he did not miss the dampness pressed into his fur. Even if they were tears of joy, he hated seeing her cry. Guilt came with it. It was stupid, to feel guilt over– it wasn’t as if he’d voluntarily walked into the arms of a twoleg to be taken away, or that he’d stayed so long away by choice. A cold gap filled his stomach regardless of how stupid it was.

“I suppose I did,” he agreed quietly. With purpose, he lifted his head away from hers, gazing out across the territory. The cut of the river could be seen in the distance. “I was amazed, to see snow and ice when returning from Fourtrees. I spent lots of time watching the snow fall from within– well, I have spent time watching the snow fall. But to pad through it myself… it shocked me, how cold it was. I thought it would burn my paws, after a little while.” Rowanpaw gave a single, quiet laugh. “It was odd, to trek through snow and have it be thick and solid; light and fluffy and soft; and half-slush. All those things!” He sighed, wistful, and turned his attention again to Poppyshine. Maybe hearing him talk would make the moons without her children seem a little further away.

But talking so much of himself had started to make him shuffle, stumbling against his own paws for a bit. He did not like the arresting feeling of pure awkwardness that washed over him now that he’d finished speaking. Desperate to fill space but hesitant to continue his regaling, Rowanpaw mewed, “Are you doing well, Mama? I have no doubt you are tired from all leaf-bare has brought.”

Poppyshine

There was such a striking sadness within her son. Poppyshine wished that she could do more to help him, to bring back that same kind of kittish delight that he had for things before he was taken. But, of course, so much time had passed, and Rowanpaw had been through so much. It wasn’t something that anyone could just bounce back from, and she understood that. So no matter what kind of future they had, she would be there to help Rowanpaw however he needed. She did not expect him to be just as he was before, and that was alright too. She just needed him to be whoever he was now.

“I was born in leafbare,” Poppyshine meowed idly. “It made the warm seasons so strange to me. I longed to see the snow again, even if it also brought cold and less prey. It reminded me a lot of my childhood, I suppose.” She smiled at Rowanpaw and listened to his description of snow, which brought a gentle laugh from her. She had known snow since before she could speak, and so it was never strange to her. It was quite amusing listening to her son attempt to describe it.

When he filled the silence between them, Poppyshine easily obliged his search for conversation. “It has been a tiring season,” she admitted with an awkward chuckle. “But that’s alright too. I’m feeling a lot better with you all home. I missed you terribly.” She lifted her face and felt the sun warming on her cheeks. “And the season is growing warm. It will be newleaf before you know it. The first green leaves to grow on the barren trees in newleaf is quite the sight to behold. Not to mention that the first fat fish of newleaf after a long leafbare is the tastiest as well.” She looked to Rowanpaw and added, “We’ll have to share one together so you can see.”

Rowanpaw

Rowanpaw listened as his mother spoke briefly of growing up during this cold season. He looked around them, eyes flicking between piles of snow and stubborn sheets of ice, trying to imagine what it would be like for his earliest memories to be held within them. When he thought of kithood, he only became more aware of the sun’s muted warmth against his fur, imagining it to be as blazing as green-leaf’s heat. Though the temperatures were miserable under his longer fur– no doubt to be worse now than it had grown dense as well –he was fond of the hot seasons. Leaf-bare was captivating in an unfamiliar, untouchable way. But it was dying, and he longed for the warmth to return anyway.

Poppyshine laughed over his rendition of leaf-bare, at least. Whatever he felt for the season, he’d be grateful it brought him that.

She took him up on conversation, too. He purred again when she repeated that she was doing better with everyone returned, and Rowanpaw pushed his head briefly against hers. When she looked up to the sun, he copied her, turning towards the light. The heat was comfortable through his fur. “I am looking forward to it.” The more familiar eagerness was creeping into his voice. He had never seen new-leaf before, and he had heard plenty of times how pretty a season it was. "I have heard that the shining green of tree-tops in new-leaf is a more vibrant green than one can ever find elsewhere." A little tremor of excitement went through his tail, which now trailed loosely behind him.

“We will! I will be sure to catch one for us, after a few moons’ allowance for them to fatten.” He chuckled as he spoke. Maybe that would be a good thing to keep in mind. If he could do nothing else, he could at least work himself to pulling the biggest catch from the river, as soon as new-leaf started in earnest.

Thoughts of hunting had his ears turning outwards. Parting from Poppyshine’s side, Rowanpaw trotted a bit ahead, raising his head to search their surroundings. It was part genuine curiosity and security, part show. “I have forgotten our hunt! Sorry, Mama. Would you like to resume? Or–” Rowanpaw turned to look at her again, shifting restlessly between paws. “Perhaps we shall just stop here. I am content just to speak with you again, as well.”

Poppyshine

Rowanpaw’s spirits appeared to raise as they spoke, which brought Poppyshine relieved joy. With the stressors that had befallen their clan, she hated for him to feel so downtrodden. Her silly stories seemed to have the opposite effect, and he even seemed relatively relaxed with everything considered. Poppyshine found herself just smiling warmly at Rowanpaw as he spoke, and it was only when he addressed her directly that she blinked out of her relaxed state.

“Oh! I suppose I have too.” She laughed pleasantly. “No worries, though…Let’s sit and rest for a little while. We have not taken much time to do that. We can always catch something on the way back.” She found a spot with half-melted snow and walked over it a bit to flatten out the dirt before she settled down with her paws tucked under herself. She flicked her tail to indicate Rowanpaw to join her.

“Tell me, Rowan,” she continued, “are you excited to become a warrior? I’m sure Stormdance is going to give you time to settle in, but I can sense that he will think you are ready soon.” Her tail tickled at his cheek. Stormdance had made mention of Rowanpaw being ready to be a warrior before Rowanpaw was taken. She could only imagine how anxious he was to finally become one.

RiverClan • Tier 5 • Deputy • She/Her • 70 | 160 • #669966

Credits: code inspiration - 1 2 |  image 1 | image 2 | image 3