|  | Poppyshine |
Paws dragged slowly along the ground. Snow peppered along her fur. Orange and grey paws covered with white to match the rest of her pelt. Her head hung low and ears drooped with her posture. Heaviness weighed on her like she carried the world on her shoulders. Her tail, flat and lifeless, dragged in the snow behind her. Flakes drifted from the sky, piling slowly on her back.
Poppyshine had kept up better spirits in camp, as best she could, but it was getting to be too much. It was all so overwhelming. She’d finished assigning the patrols and then went on her own when she was certain the camp was well-guarded. There were so few warriors left to hunt and watch the camp and keep up the patrols. There were even fewer apprentices…There were no apprentices, really, who could conduct the work they needed. Poppyshine was doing her best, as was Perchstar and all the other cats of RiverClan…But her heart was not into it. There were too many thoughts on her mind.
Rainpaw…dead.
Sleepycloud…dead.
Sootspirit…taken.
Hawkshriek…taken.
Hickorypaw…injured.
Olivepaw…missing.
Reedpaw…missing.
Sprucebark…taken.
Minksplash…taken.
Sandyshell…taken.
Rowanpaw…taken.
Her children. All of her beloved children. Dead, missing, taken, or injured to the point that they would never be a warrior. Had she failed them? Was it Poppyshine to blame? She’d taken on raising Mapleleaf’s children because she’d grown ill, and two of her children and Owlshriek as well had perished. She’d raised her children with Rushtalon on her own when he went missing, and now half of them were missing along with him. The rest, taken by the twolegs, with only the hope that they would somehow return to her.
All of her children but one, lost to her, and the one left, so injured and quiet that he didn’t seem at all like the kit she’d once helped to raise.
Paws dragged through snow until they could not move any further. Poppyshine stayed standing there for a long moment, her body trembling. Her eyes remained planted on the snow. The snow seeped in through her paw pads and chilled her entire body. She told herself that she would not fall to pieces again. She would not allow herself to fall ill due to grief. Her determination had staved off any illness thus far, but things around her only continued to get worse. Every time Poppyshine believed that she had endured the worst, the world proved to her that she did not understand what the worst truly was. It was all so much. It was so much, and so exhausting, and Poppyshine did not know what to do anymore. Tears welled up into her eyes and traced down her cheeks. The weight of her tears finally being unleashed felt heavier than anything else.
Her joints buckled and Poppyshine collapsed into the snow. The sudden jolt releases the sob building up within her and Poppyshine just
cries. Her sobs are loud, pathetic, and painful. Her face lies half-buried in the piled snow and her wails bounce off of the quiet, insulated morning air. She missed her children. She missed Owlshriek. She missed Rushtalon. She missed Mapleleaf. She missed Dovesight. She missed Cloverheart. She missed the mother she never remembered, and missed the father she never met. So many cats that seemed so far out of reach. Poppyshine just wanted them back. How could the days of her youth with the Dark Forest hanging over her somehow be filled with some of her most treasured memories? How could she be longing for a past that was supposed to be so filled with strife? Poppyshine couldn’t answer her own questions.
What was she to do if her children never returned? Or if more of them perished? She wanted to watch Sandyshell grow more confident in herself. She wanted to see Minksplash become a strong and capable warrior. She wanted to know how Sprucebark’s confession to the cat he loved went. She wanted to tell more stories to Hawkshriek. She wanted to ask Sootspirit about his day and get his help in planning patrols with her. She wanted to watch Rowanpaw be given his warrior name, finally. She wanted to watch Hickorypaw set off on his journey to the Moonstone. She wanted to show Olivepaw more of the territory. She wanted to take warm naps with Reedpaw. She wanted to teach Rainpaw how to fish and hunt and track prey. She wanted to wake Sleepycloud from naps to remind her, gently, of the chore she had to do. She wanted…she wanted…Oh how Poppyshine always wanted.
Her tears slowly died away. The cold seeped in deeper through her pelt. Her body felt numb. Poppyshine opened her eyes, sore from tears and cold. Through the blur of her vision, she saw small daisies that had not yet been claimed by the cold of leafbare peeking through the snow…No, wait. Not daisies.
Poppyshine pushed herself to shaky paws. She walked over to the plant and brushed aside the snow…Feverfew. Her heart squeezed as a flash of Cloverheart entered her mind.
“That over there, that's feverfew. It looks a lot like daisy; telling them apart just takes practice…These little ones that grow everywhere, that are more useful than most warriors realize– I want you to remember these ones.”Fresh tears filled Poppyshine’s eyes at the last memory she had of Cloverheart when she still lived.
“Oh Cloverheart,” she murmured,
“I wonder what advice you would have for me if you were still here.”As though answering her, another memory from Cloverheart answered her. It was what Poppyshine often remembered from her, and a lesson she’d kept with her for so long.
“Make your grieving easy, and don't linger too long…I'm more concerned about the living.”Poppyshine stared at the feverfew for a long minute, letting those words roll around in her mind. Cloverheart had always been far wiser and level-headed than she was. Sometimes it seemed like anyone around Poppyshine was smarter and more capable than she was. Poppyshine was always looking to others for advice and guidance, even while being deputy. Even now, looking to the advice of a dead cat…And yet, there was comfort in the advice.
“I do hope I make you proud in StarClan, despite everything,” Poppyshine croaked. Not just Cloverheart, but everyone she had lost; Dovesight and Owlshriek and Mapleleaf, Rushtalon if he had perished and not simply disappeared, and even her parents. Poppyshine had not met with a cat from StarClan at all. Perhaps she never would, until she joined them after her death. Maybe that was why it was so hard with letting go of those cats. She knew it really would be the last time she spoke with them. And it was so hard to grieve knowing that.
And yet…grieving was not something to carry with you forever. She had to focus on the living. Her remaining children, wherever they are…they are living too. Poppyshine had to trust that they would return to her. And when they did, her happiness would return as well. If Poppyshine didn’t hold onto that hope…then what would be the point?
Happiness always came back. The sun always rose again. Poppyshine had felt this despair before, and recovered…Even a fever would break eventually.
Poppyshine leaned down and pulled the cold feverfew from the ground.
“Even being gone, you’re still looking after me,” Poppyshine murmured, thinking of Cloverheart. She could not be sure if this was something StarClan sent for her, but she liked to think that it was. Poppyshine could almost hear Cloverheart’s scolding, telling her to pick herself back up and get out of the freezing snow. It brought a sad smile to her face.
Everything would be okay, eventually. In the meantime, she would have to keep RiverClan running as smoothly as she could. It was all she could do, and so there was no point in continuing to threat about what was out of her control.
Poppyshine turned around and started heading back to camp. Her paws did not brush into the snow as much, her tail did not lie limply behind her, and her head did not hang quite as low.
Behind her, the snow that had steadily been falling finally began to let up.
