anywhere but home [open to tc]

Nightdancer's emotional state felt like it was in a constant shift, never the same from one moment to the next. One day she could smile easily, hunt and laugh with her Clanmates even as she felt like she should be anywhere else; the next she was as listless and despondent as she was now. Curled in on herself next to a bush, pawing at a moss-ball like she was a kit again. Didn't every cat long for their youth?

But she was still young, wasn't she? Shouldn't she be looking to the future? It was hard, though, when every time she did it looked bleaker than before. When she felt less and less like herself with every passing day, unless she was talking with Roseburn, the only cat she knew who could understand her struggles or what she was going through; or unless she got so caught up in acting like she should that she forgot how things actually were for a while.

The future was bleak, the present dull and gray; the past, however, was tinted with sweet nostalgia.

So, moss-ball. That was how she'd gotten to this point.

Green eyes that once shone with mischief and joy fell to the ground, watching the moss roll from one paw to another. It wasn't even a particularly good moss-ball, she noted. It was barely round enough to count as a ball. Now she couldn't even play kit-games properly?

Nightdancer considered most of ThunderClan, as of late, to be names and faces; little in the way of distinctive thoughts, knowledge, or opinions on each of them. Echopaw was one of those cats to her, too young for her to know much about him; other than that he was Briarrose's apprentice. Watching him now, he seemed a little- odd, perhaps? Not in a bad way, simply... Different. Not like any apprentice she could recall, at least. "...Thank you," she said simply, surprised at his comment. The moss-ball continued rolling from side to side, though her eyes were fixed on the apprentice now- had he come over for a reason?

Briarrose herself appeared a moment later. This was a cat Nightdancer did have actual thoughts on, one of the precious few of her Clanmates she had actively committed to memory despite not talking often. It wasn't as if she talked to anyone often, admittedly- her circle was small, and the time she spent socializing was smaller still. Perhaps she ought to address that, somehow, but it seemed so difficult; even the first step was too far for her to move, out of the comforting veil of solitude.

For the moment, at least, that veil was shattered- between the apprentice's approach and Briarrose readily making herself comfortable. They had fought together, Briarrose coming to her aid, and that if nothing else meant that Nightdancer didn't particularly mind her presence. Mottlestar, Briarrose, Sunstrike... What a short list, wasn't it, the cats that meant ThunderClan to her? Hadn't it been longer, once? And what little things had made her think that way...

She hadn't stopped to dwell on it before, but it bothered her. Shouldn't she have more than names and faces, for the rest of them?

So lost in thought, she very nearly missed Briarrose's question. "...I've been..."

Tired, her mind supplied, along with other unhelpful words. Lost. Confused. Sad. Lonely.

She couldn't bring herself to say any one of those.

"Well," she said, voice soft. "I suppose I've been playing moss-ball."

Nothing of importance, was the underlying answer.

The next question was easier. "Not to meet anyone new, no. But I did manage to catch up with a friend of mine, and I was glad to see she's alright."