beside you (c)

Perchstar was at war with herself. Pacing in the leader's den, thoughts racing, she was caught between a rock and a hard place. Should she visit Poppyshine, or leave her to rest? On one paw, she was desperate for the sure knowledge that her dear friend was doing all right. The words of Dovesight were worthy of trust, but the tiny doubt that pricked the back of her mind would not be laid to rest until she saw the rise and fall of Poppyshine's chest with her own eyes. On the other paw, the deputy had collapsed because she needed rest. Because Owlshriek and Sleepycloud had passed as violently and suddenly as a strike of lightning, without warning. Because Rainpaw suddenly left for the stars. Because Perchstar had worked her too hard. The leader's throat tightened, and she swallowed. What if Poppyshine resented her for being part of the cause of her collapse? What if seeing her would harm the speed of her recovery, or the chances of her recovering at all? Perchstar's paws hit the ground hard as she paced, back and forth, moving with swift but jerky movements as if she could outrun the thoughts that lagged behind her. What would she do? What should she do? What if Dovesight was lying? What if Poppyshine didn't want to see her? What if Poppyshine left to follow Owlshriek and Cloverheart and Beetlepaw and Perchstar didn't get to say goodbye? The indecision hurt almost as much as the claws of anxiety that tore into her heart.

She never formally reached a decision. After spending the better part of an hour pacing, grinding her teeth together, breathing heavily as if she could make up for the air that might not be in Poppyshine's lungs, Perchstar simply found her paws leading her to the entrance of the medicine den. She did not command them to move there. One moment she was walking back and forth, slamming her paws hard and hoping the pain would ground her to reality, and the next moment, her aching paws were standing shakily outside of the small reed-woven den that smelled like herbs and fear-scent. Or was that fear coming from her? Well, now that she was here... she might as well go inside, right? If Poppyshine is sleeping, she promised herself, I'll leave without bothering her.

Paws tender from the rough pacing, Perchstar slowly walked into the medicine den, ducking her head down as she entered the small, well-organized space. It had been... a while, since she had been inside. Both Dovesight and Sandypaw seemed to be out, likely getting more herbs or enlisting help from the warriors. It was just a small calico form, looking even smaller than usual, lying in a bare nest that was not hers. She padded closer, feeling her lungs tremble, looking closely with terrified blue eyes to see any hint of life or movement from her friend. What if? What if? What if? Her voice came out quieter than she intended, shaky and uncertain. "...Poppy?"

A shiver of relief ran through Perchstar's entire body at the sound of that familiar voice. Poppyshine sat up--albeit with less energy than what one would usually see from the sunny calico--and spoke, her eyes shining with the usual light that was her soul. The light may have been slightly dimmer, but it was still there. For a moment, Perchstar allowed herself to be consumed by the relief. Her fears were unfounded. Poppyshine lived. Everything would be okay. But then, she descended back to reality. Poppyshine was not a large cat, but the illness made her look even smaller than usual: hunched over and half her normal size. Her fur looked a little bit unkempt from the hours of sleep, despite how well-groomed it usually was from all the adoring kits and friends and Clanmates who were normally all too happy to share tongues. There was a slight strain to the friendly voice that echoed in the small medicine den. No mistake could be made. Poppyshine was sick, and not feeling well.

"I am well," Perchstar said finally, remembering that this was a social interaction in which she was required to... well... speak, and interact. Though she could stand there watching the rise and fall of Poppyshine's chest forever and not soothe the anxious beat of her own heart. Was she well? It didn't really matter; she didn't want to worry her dear friend by complaining about such trivial things. "Of course I would prefer if you were well, as always. But do not feel like you are a burden on the Clan. I have plenty of practice with caring for the Clan on my own." She flicked an ear in annoyance at herself after realizing what she had just implied. Poppyshine would be on her case if she thought that Perchstar was doing everything by herself. "But I am not on my own. Dovesight and Sandypaw are an enormous help, and Stormdance has often offered his assistance as well. This is nowhere near as bad a situation as when Jaystar left. The Clan is living on, though I believe there would be a weight off of all our hearts as soon as you are feeling better." The leader sat, a bit awkwardly, trying to fit her somewhat tall frame into a sitting position in the crowded den. "How... how are you feeling? Is there anything I can get for you?"

Perchstar nodded, standing up as quickly as she had sat down. She was expecting Poppyshine to say there was nothing, so she was pleasantly surprised that there was something for her to do. Dovesight was right-- Poppyshine would recover. Especially if she ate well and rested enough. Maybe things would be all right soon, after all. "Give me just a moment," she said, offering a brief nod to her friend before ducking out of the den. Even though the fresh-kill pile was not so full as it had been in greenleaf, and the heavy rains had made fishing more difficult, there was still no difficulty in finding a nice fish to eat. As she looked at the many options, it occurred to her that she actually had not eaten for a while. Maybe she should get a smaller fish for herself, too. Poppyshine was always telling her to take better care of herself, so perhaps it would make her friend happy.

She returned soon with two fish, laying the fatter of the two in front of the calico's nest. "I believe Rowanpaw caught that one," Perchstar said, nudging the large carp with her paw, whiskers twitching slightly. The tom had been very proud of himself upon returning from the hunting patrol. Maybe he'd told his mother about it already. "Dovesight has the right idea; eating well certainly won't hurt your speed of recovery." Having offered that, the leader took a small bite out of her minnow, noticing how dry her mouth was. How long had it been since she'd eaten? ...The fact that she couldn't remember would be worrying to her if she was not so happy that Poppyshine seemed to be doing well. She was almost at ease in the company of her friend. Still not entirely relaxed, but certainly closer than she had been for the past few weeks.