sea, swallow me [C]

Rowanpaw

 Finally, Rowanpaw had found his courage.

He wasn't sure exactly how many days had passed, between the paired deaths and Poppyshine's fainting spell and his own mounting misery. Enough time that he had adopted some sort of complacency towards the whole thing, at least. He wasn't happy about it, not by any means, and he'd found it difficult to pop back to his usual self. But he'd resigned himself to the fact that this is how things would be, at least for the foreseeable future. Everything around him still felt so crudely out of place, and it made him feel upset and angry and small. But he was too small to change it, and a nagging feeling told him shouting would get him nowhere this time, even though he often thought about howling into the sky.

The evening sun settled past RiverClan's camp, staining the world golden. The encroaching twilight had yet to banish the milling cats to their dens; Rowanpaw wasn't sure if that was a blessing or if it was a curse. A part of him wished they would all disappear, just momentarily, so they did not have to watch him pace and wear treads in the earth in front of the medicine den. Another part was content with their presence, their noise a subtle distraction from the bubbling turmoil in his chest. And if the warriors and apprentices were still going about their soon-ending days, that meant he was likely to catch Poppyshine alone. Not likely, or at least not as much as he wanted to convince himself, but he was sure that Dovesight and Sandypaw had other duties to attend to. Picking herbs, nosing at other cats that were sick and injured. He wasn't certain if he wanted to face them when he stepped into the den, or if their assumed absence would only send him into a fit of rage that they had abandoned Poppyshine in her hour of need.

But he had wavered enough. Swallowing hard, Rowanpaw shut his eyes tight and marched solidly into the den, wincing away from the green curtains that brushed across his back as he did so. When he was sure he was inside, he slowly, as if fearful that he would find himself in a different world entirely, allowed his eyes to open one at a time. And he was correct in assuming that his relatives were gone, if only momentarily. And equally correct in assuming that it made a hot flash of anger pulse beneath his fur. Surely, they had not gone far, or not with the intention of being gone for long. But they were gone at all. At least it offered him the chance to speak with Poppyshine privately. He wasn't certain if he could have handled this conversation with company present, especially looking at her.

She... she didn't look like his mother. Rowanpaw wilted, just from looking at her. She looked so incredibly worn, so tired and sick. It hurt his heart so viscerally it made him physically recoil. She at least looked present though, which was a great comfort. When he'd last seen her, crowded by all those attempting to administer her care, she looked so far gone... Rowanpaw shook his head, clearing the image from his mind. On soft paws, he padded closer, settling beside her in the nest where she lay. "Hello," he greeted softly, stretching down to touch his nose to the top of her head. She felt... hot. The cold waves of fear rose again, but he only swallowed around them, boxing away his nerves in favor of a gentle smile. "You are looking better. How are you feeling, mama? I trust that Dovesight and Sandypaw are taking good care of you. You will have to tell me if they are not." The attempted humor came with a wain laugh that shuddered through his shoulders. There had to be some humor in this, or any way to make light of the insurmountable terror and grief.

Poppyshine

Poppyshine spent the first couple of days in a bit of a delirious haze. Be it that her body was finally drinking up as much rest as it could with her past workload, or her heartbreak had been just that painful, Poppyshine had found that she could barely keep conscious for the first couple of days. The routine became that she would sleep all day, be awoken by Dovesight or Sandypaw to eat some herbs, heartbreak would wash over her that sent her into a quick and silent collapse of despair, and then she would sleep some more. It resulted in the days stitching together in a messy blur where she mostly experienced life in dreams. A lot of her dreams were of people she had lost, thanks to the cloud of grief that hung over her barely-conscious mind when she was awake. She dreamt of Rushtalon and Owlshriek, Sleepycloud and Rainpaw, Cloverheart and Mapleleaf…They were warm memories that always got washed away with waves of tears that wet her fur while she slumbered. It was a painful handful of days that felt like they lasted forever until Poppyshine finally began to recover.

She was not healthy now by any means. Whatever effect the heartbreak had had on her, it had taken a physical toll. She still slept more hours than she was awake. She ate the herbs that the medicine cats provided her, including herbs that gave her strength, which helped her stay awake longer now. The toll it had all taken on her body left her with splitting headaches, aches and pains in her joints, and a fatigue that she could not shake. The memories from her dreams followed her into her newfound consciousness. It hurt now that she was aware enough to feel her grief in full again. That grief was part of what exhausted her so much every day. Poppyshine was hopeful that all of this would not stick around and she would be able to get up and moving soon, but she knew that Perchstar and Dovesight were not going to allow her to return to work until she was in perfect shape. So, Poppyshine rested as much as she could and ate her herbs obediently, all the while attempting to keep up a positive outlook. She couldn’t always retain it, and Dovesight had sat with her while she cried late in the night on multiple occasions. But still—she was trying.

Today, she was awake when Rowanpaw came to see her. She couldn’t imagine that she looked good after all of the time spent sleeping and eating herbs. It felt like her body was being weighed down by the air, and that probably translated in how she looked. Poppyshine opened her eyes when she felt Rowanpaw’s cool nose against her head. Her face brightened, though less so than usual; rather than the brilliant bright spark that came to her face every time she perked up, this was instead like a gentle ember being blown into a slightly brighter flame. The weariness weighed down on her countenance and made it hard for her to be her usual self.

“Rowan,” Poppyshine mewed warmly. At least her voice was still the same as ever, with that slight purr that rumbled in every word. “I’m feeling better than before. Dovesight and Sandypaw have been taking great care of me; don’t worry. Dovesight is quite diligent about getting me to eat my herbs.” She purred weakly and her tail moved to brush against her son’s flank. “She thinks it will still be several days before I am back to normal, but that’s alright. I’m making sure to get plenty of rest.”

It was difficult to get up, but Poppyshine managed to lift her head from where she lay on the ground. She moved her cheek against Rowanpaw’s shoulder. “How are you doing? I’m sure I worried a lot of cats; I’m sorry. I hope that you’re still attending to your duties. Is Stormdance looking after you okay?”

She worried so much for her family. She asked Dovesight about the clan sometimes, but she always got reassurances that things were being taken care of in her absence. Poppyshine wasn’t worried about that. She knew that Perchstar would be able to handle reorganizing things in her absence. What she really wanted to know was if everyone was taking care of themselves. Her collapse probably only served to stress out more of her clanmates, with the deaths and sickness of so many other cats going on around them. The last thing Poppyshine wanted was to worry them. It couldn’t be helped, but it made her feel awful all the same.