I want to start this off by saying what I'm about to say isn't out of harboring ill-will towards anyone. I'm speaking up because I feel like what I have to say could potentially be beneficial and I hope will be to some users. There are things I have held off on speaking about because I worried about causing issues, or making trouble, or stirring up drama. Ultimately, it ended up with me (I feel) being taken advantage of and made to feel like I had to keep quiet to keep the peace. Originally, also, I chose not to be open about circumstances out of respect for former friendships. Since then, it's been proven those people don't have respect for me. Additionally, as someone who has always cared for the site - both staff and users alike (having been on staff twice myself and on all sides), I see this repetitive cycle that I don't think will change without honestly and openness on all sides.

*Also going to note here that there are likely some things I have left out or forgotten in terms of what all occurred to make me leave the site/grow my frustrations with circumstances. I remembered more while working on this.

When I stepped down from the staff team, it was partially due to what I had said in my announcement about needing to focus on things in my life. It was when my relationship had begun to go south in the worst ways. In light of recent events, it's worth noting I did share some of what was going on with staff - so they were aware of the beginning of the issues with my former partner. But what caused me to step down wasn't drama on the site or being overwhelmed by the position, it ended up being the team I was working with.

See, in my opinion, taking up a staff position is a sacrificial role. You go into it with the understanding there will be problems and issues you have to deal with. Onboarding new staff that was always made clear. It is a role with both pros and cons. For me, it was always so fun to contribute to the site. Rewarding to find resolutions and work with different people. Yes, it can be incredibly stressful but by accepting, that's something you sign up for - and have the freedom to leave at any time - there are always people willing to step up. I say this to provide my own personal perspective as someone who again has recently been on all sides. It sucks to have people saying nasty or negative things in any case and is something I personally try to avoid. There’s no excuse for treating others poorly. However, I've noticed on multiple occasions people speaking out defaults to the mentality of "staff is great and doesn't deserve to deal with issues", which I feel dilutes some accountability. I don't think it's right for staff to have awful things said to them, but, solving problems and dealing with difficult issues is the role. That's the name of the game. Which, for me, I personally worked to keep in mind constantly as a staff member.

Anyways, that aside, my reason for stepping down from staff had to do with a toxic mentality that crept into the staff team - one I tried to address shortly before leaving. I noticed constant negative and ill-speaking of users asking for assistance and help behind the scenes (specifically spurred on by one member of the team at the time). Our role was to help and assist, and so to see someone being negative about that was incredibly off-putting. Which is why I started a conversation after discussing the issue with my co-admin and called attention to it. On top of that, there was a behavior even within staff of people speaking poorly of others rather than directly addressing an issue to avoid conflict. I won't be naming names. These people know who they are. For example: I would be involved in conversations of fellow staff members complaining about another's behavior, accusing them of abusing the system, etc. When I tried to bring the conversation forward to be addressed by the team, these people did not want to be honest about their feelings in conversation to avoid conflict. Well, the problem was there, the conflict there. Ignoring things does not make them go away. Because I was the one bringing it up without input from others who had noticed the same problems - it then made me the bad guy, shoved me into a position where I was seemingly fighting an issue no one else had despite months of behind the scenes conversations proving otherwise. And therefore lead to people not addressing their own issues with other people in an honest manner. Out of respect for those people involved, I did not share our private messages to prove a point or put down anyone.

I spent months waking up to dms from multiple people. Getting remarks that people felt I was the only staff member they could come to, the only one around, people not knowing I had a co-admin, so on and so forth. I was always happy to help because I enjoyed it but it was draining to feel like I had little help or backup. I took time to delegate, ask for input, and try to include the team in what was going on to the best of my ability. Only to have them turn around and tell me I did not let them help (which could only be traced to two specific instances from my point of view, had to do with the method of how it was being handled, and staff was still fully involved). Needless to say, this was very disheartening as well.

The final straw had to do with issues being brought up about a user who had history (that still exists on the site) of inappropriate age gaps/relationships, attempts at abusing power dynamics in hr roles, treating multiple members poorly, harassing an under-aged staff member, mentions of inappropriate content in public channels with minors, and anti-race mixing and neo-nazi content. I understand people and times change. But repetitive poor behavior that made multiple people uncomfortable over the years and violated many site rules? Seems like something to take care of, especially given I was uncomfortable with the idea of my own little sister being around them. I proposed if this person was allowed to stay, the general nature of the issue be presented to the site. I think it's something others deserve to be aware of for their own safety. I had suggested (that with approval of said user) they be given the option to stay via a vote from the userbase. It's worth noting two current staff members were on the same page as me and were involved in the discussion. My co-admin showed up to "pull rank and shut it down" as well as question my morality as a result. Not only was this hurtful in general, since this had been a friend and a teammate, but was extra exhausting after bearing the brunt of the load for months when my co-admin had not been active (as pointed out by the userbase). And that was it.

After I left, I watched the plot idea I worked on for years get mismanaged and handled poorly. The ending was changed to cut my involvement without discussing with me and killed my character's planned arc. I was also made aware of people (staff and former staff members) talking about me behind my back quite regularly. The severity of what was being said about me made one person question whether or not I have begun using drugs (which they asked me directly, out of concern, but speaks volumes about what was being said about me). I was thrown aside by my friends and people I'd worked with for a long time and treated poorly, which led to my departure from the site as a whole.

There are always two sides to every story and I'm not here to say what I have to say is the end all, be all. But I feel like I owe it to myself to be open about what I went through. And I feel like it's worth saying to highlight what I think is a problematic mentality: conflict is not always a bad thing.

Open discussion brings about change. Having tough conversations is needed for growth. It seems that people immediately jump on those who speak up as dissenters causing problems. Generally, I think it is better to work on and air things out than sweeping them under the rug where they sit and fester. I always tried as a staff member to be real and honest and communicative. It is unrealistic to expect staff to handle everything perfect and right away. But it is reasonable to expect they treat others as humans with openness and honesty. If something can't be done right away, it's 100% okay to say "hey, we're busy, but time will be taken to work on it later". And that should be respected.

The other day was... hurtful. Needless to say. I reached out to people who had formally been my friends to open up about issues I had briefly mentioned before with my former spouse (who is and has been an inactive user for years) and was told, essentially, it was not their problem to handle. And that I needed proof of DMs in order for them to take action. Except... this was my life, not messages on Discord. Before sharing what I did on the server, I told staff that was how I was going to address it because disappearing right after I rejoined without reason? Seemed super off to me. Things escalated quickly because the people who spoke up had witnessed what happened to me. Been a part of the conversation for months while I dealt with what I went through, what I'm dealing with. Some of them sat in my house with me. Watched me not eat for a week and constantly throw up with stress and anxiety. Witnessed my former partner move out, comforted me as I cried, etc. I'm grateful to have people who were and are there for me and care for me.

I know staff makes mistakes. I know they're human. But the speed at which it was handled without consideration and how it had to escalate before resolution was painful to watch and put me in a bad headspace. To watch people argue logistics over whether my abuser should be allowed to stay, kinda solidified my choice to leave. To have someone question my credibility in the whole ordeal. It's one thing to argue logistics about whether things should generally be allowed to go to site vote, it's another to go through that in the case of a specific and very real instance. Which, woof, gonna be in my head for a long time on this one.

The last thing I wanted to mention is something that was worked on and refined a lot when I was admin - consequences for rule-breaking on the site and standards for punishment. We worked as a team to create solid regulations. Since my departure, I have seen many instances of this not being the case. Why have standards if they’re not followed? It leads to frustration from the site and ultimately makes things less easy to handle. Of course, I was not involved directly in circumstances after leaving but I also watched certain users be held to a high standard for their high rank activity, while others were allowed to sit and hold positions. I have never once in my time on the site seen staff remove a high rank to replace the position with a staff member under any staff team until this current one. Each time it has been as severe as needing to place the entire clan’s leadership, the clan has been involved in picking and voting on the replacements. When there weren’t options, we came up with new ideas, which is how Riverclan got their wonderful Perchstar. It was incredibly disheartening to see a deputy taking on the burden of their clan’s HRs (being asked to make up for an absent leader, and asked to help with medicine cat duties), only to be kicked from the position before their leader ceremony and be replaced by a staff member. I mention it now because I feel it fits with some of the themes mentioned here: communication is key. Regardless of circumstances. Both in high rank standards and in punishing someone on the site.

I know this was super long-winded and have no idea if this provides any perspective or helps people look at things in a different light. But I think there needs to be understanding and sympathy on all sides. I think the best anyone can do as a person is be open and honest, and truthful with each other. Address the hard things and work on them instead of avoiding them. Doing otherwise is why things keep going, blow up, never find resolution. I hope someone, somewhere can take away from this. I wanted to come back and enjoy the hobby again, and stay out of things. This isn't the place for me and I need to accept that. I wish everyone well and I want to see the site thrive and to see understanding and patience between users. I have to keep taking care of myself.

As always, I can be reached via dms. I love the people I've met here and have always enjoyed the community. I'm hoping staff can follow the guidelines we worked together to create, and foster and environment conducive to growth. I hope my time here meant something to someone and helped the site somehow. My intent has always been for the people of the site. Thanks for those who have made me want to come back. I will appreciate the good memories I had here.

~ Ripped