numbing the senses [open!]

Froststar's death had hit the recovering ShadowClan cats hard, but Leopardsun was especially devastated by the news. She had lost her parents to StarClan's return and the Dark Forest's defeat, she had lost her sister to the flood (and she prayed each night to no one in particular that she was alive and well, if she must be far from here), and now she had lost her mentor to sickness. Death loomed over her shoulder like a shadow, and sometimes she thought she could see it- a flash of black too deep to be even the darkest night, eyes like stars.

Every time, it was only her own imagination, and she would laugh bitterly at her own superstition. It was something to cling to when the stars were no comfort, at least. A story she told herself to feel better: that death was a shadow in the shape of someone dear, that they would live so long as they were remembered. Perhaps they lived still in StarClan, but StarClan had offered her the empty promises of nursery-tales and the bitter truths of a hard life, and she did her best not to dwell on them for long.

Maybe that was what made every death sting that little bit more. That lingering bitterness, the realization that the stars had never spoken to her as they were said to. She became a warrior after a dreamless sleep, sat her vigil under a starless sky, and that was the world she had known until the sky was alight with stars. It was dark, half-drowned in shadow, but it was what she knew; and she had no love for the Dark Forest cats, she wished them no peace in their prison or demise, but StarClan meant empty promises and lost loved ones.

She kept her bitterness toward their warrior ancestors a secret, though her grief at the loss of Froststar was obvious enough to any cat with eyes to see it. They might not have been particularly close, but he was her mentor and her leader and she had possessed a great deal of respect for him. In the wake of his death she threw herself into working harder than she had before, drove herself to near exhaustion, and finally collapsed to cry in a secluded place.

The day dragged on even as the sun set, and there was a part of her that wished she could stop feeling at all, if only for a little while.

Swiftheart was still greiving for the loss of her father Mistyfalcon who she had just recently learned from her brother had died.

The next thing she knew, their leader Froststar was dead, taken by sickness that she also had earlier while in her stay in skyclan. She had been able to recover relativly quickly but the leader was not so lucky. He lay still in the camp for those to gather and mourn his loss. Everything was broken right now. Her father gone, their home destroyed and now their leader Froststar was dead too. The white warrior hardly slept anymore and barely ate. Even for her the most happy and energetic of cats, this was too much. No clan should have to lose thier leader like this when things were so uncertain. Did Nightstalker even know that he was leader now? The thought made her sick and dizzy. She knew that her brother would need all the support he could get soon but she felt inadequately prepared for such a task. All she wanted to do was curl up in her nest with duskflight and cinderkit and wake up to find that this had all been one bad long nightmare. That frost and misty were still alive and that none of this had happened. She wondered if starclan had meant for this to happen... if they had meant for alot of things to happen. She doubted that they meant for it... which called into question if they didnt mean for it to happen then it meant that they were not as powerful as she once belived them to be. She remembered back to all the times that Frost and her had together the times on patrols and hunting, what a leader he had been to all of them.

To top it all off, stonekit had been reported missing and no one had seen the little kitten for some time now. Patrols were sent out but nothing was found. Nothing! Like he had vanished into thin air. Rumors were that he was snatched by a hawk or eagle... For someone to just disappear like that it was certainly possible. Swiftheart felt terrible and would hold her cinderkit under all the more watchful eye. Swiftheart herself belived that stonekit had actually gotten lost in the woods, and found by a twoleg family where he was adopted... maybe he would even meet cheddar her good friend one day she figured. She smiled at the more hopeful outcome, if there was anything she was good at was glinging to the slightest amount of hope even if it was unlikely that Stonekit's fate was so merciful as that.

Looking over, she saw Leopard having a rough time as well. When Leopard was an apprentice, Swiftheart remembered how hard they trained to be the best possible warrior and how no result was good enough for them. Looking now at the greiving warrior she looked so hurt and broken by the events that plaguged their clan. It was a far cry from what the once enthused apprentice full of energy and competition to be the best she could be was. And rightfully so, everything had gone wrong and it was out of any of their paws to change. She sat near to her clanmate so that she could know that she was there for her. But even the talkative extraverted swiftheart didnt feel like talking a bunch right now.

Crimsonflame felt extremely awkward just then.

Froststar had died, a death that did not particularly bother Crimsonflame. And yet, part of him still felt....bad? He knew if it had been Briarstar, he would mourn her loss. But at the same time, these were the cats that killed his brother. He didn't know how to feel.

He could see Swiftheart and another ShadowClan warrior clearly grieving the death. Maybe just for this one moment, he could put his own personal feelings behind him. So he walked over, silent as ever, and just sat with his head bowed. He didn't look at either of them, his rage might come bubbling back up if he did. He just stared at his paws, a silent presence.

Though she sobbed silently, leaning into Swiftheart when the older warrior settled beside her, Leopardsun's thoughts raged. Anger and sadness mixed together, forming a hazy sort of feeling she hated with a passion. "What am I supposed to do, Swiftheart?"

If she had noticed the SkyClan cat with her eyes closed and mind occupied, she might not have spoken. But she wasn't paying much attention to anything outside her immediate realm of observation in that moment. "I lost my parents. I lost my daughter and my first apprentice. My sister is still missing. And now I've lost my mentor, too. Does it ever stop?"

Swiftheart had been through hard times, too. Maybe she had some advice that Leopardsun hadn't come up with yet.

"Please tell me it stops. How much of this am I supposed to take?"

I'm tired of losing everything I've ever loved.

Swiftheart held her clanmate close nodding gently when she spoke just listening to her for now. It had been a pretty tough last moon for everyone. She leaned back into her friend as well. She didn't have all the answers, but she knew that when she had lost her mother Murkystar and now that Mistyfalcon was gone to, it helped to have others around. At least for her it did. Swiftheart was all too familar with what she was feeling. Both her parents were gone now too, she had lost her daughter Frogkit as well and her first apprentice Deerleap

(OOC: so others reading have background, Deerleap was Swiftheart's first apprentice and also Leopard's mother)

"Things have been really hard I know I hear you." she purred quietly and gently as caring as she could be.

When Deerleap and Sootwhisker died, she knew how much that had hurt Leopardsun. To now lose their leader... it was all too much.

I ... I dont know she whispered honestly

But I know that we will get throught this together

"No. It never stops."

Crimsonflame didn't know how to comfort the grieving she cats. It wasn't his place to. But maybe he could try.

"The grief you are feeling, it never goes away. But it does change. It heals, and it will feel more like a scar than an open wound. One day you will look back, thinking of those you lost, and you will smile. You will remember the life they've lived instead of the life they've lost."

His gaze turned to the nursery just then, and his own features softened. He thought of his litter mates just then, and of his mother, and the time he had spent with them. He thought of his father, from when he felt like a father, and of Tarot and Calypso. He thought of Spottedfrog, and Poppyshine, and Briarstar, and Bearspirit, and Myrtledove and Lionboar. He thought of Frostbite and his kits. And for once, his mind was at ease.

"And you will learn to love again.

A smile graced his features as a single tear rolled down his cheek. Perhaps this was the moment he needed. The moment when he could let go of the past, to learn to love what he had now.

"...The world won't stop for us," she murmured. "And we can't stop for them. All we can do is learn to live with it."

To live without them.

It wasn't a new lesson to her. She had loved and lost before, had learned to live without each of the happy faces in her memory, but every new wound felt as fresh as the first. Her parents' death, and then her adoptive parents too. Deerleap, Sootwhisker, Tawnykit, Willowpaw, Froststar, the still-missing Vixenpaw; each and every one had their own place in her heart and her thoughts.

"I wish it would heal faster," Leopardsun sighed. "...But thank you all the same. For the reminder."

She rested her head on her paws, eyes shut tight. "It doesn't go away, but it does get easier. Just... Not here. Not now."