alaska (c)

Perchstar hadn't felt this awful since Cloverheart's death. Sure, there had been small problems here and there-- a reckless apprentice duo attacked by a fox, a kit stolen temporarily by an eagle, the occasional goose attack on hunting patrols. Nothing had been quite so drastic as the murder of the medicine cat. And nothing was, still. This was nowhere near as bad. However, for some reason, it was wreaking havoc on her psyche. Sprucepaw was fine, she could reason with herself; he'd barely been injured compared to the wounds Yarrowblossom and Woolywing had sustained. Yet, it was her fault he was hurt at all. She was supervising the tom. After promising Poppyshine... yes, that was it. That was why she felt so sick and shaky. She had promised Poppyshine nothing bad would happen. And yet, before her very eyes, something bad had happened. Would her friend lose all trust in her? Had the whole persona of Perchstar been nothing but a mask, a lie, to make RiverClan believe she was truly capable? Would they want her to step down? Would they all finally see her for the fraud that she was?

These thoughts had not plagued her since before her leader ceremony. Even in Cloverheart's murder discussion, she had managed to stay strong, the righteous indignation burning inside her keeping her from beating herself up. Yet, all it took was a few weasels, and all her progress was seemingly in the drain. She was disappointed in herself. Frustrated with herself for acting this way. But that didn't fix how she felt; if anything, her anger at the feelings of anger at herself only spiraled further and further down into a vicious circle. I thought you were done acting like this, Perchfall! Was this all a joke from the start? Did the self of your old deputy life come back to possess you once more? Why can't you be logical about this for once? The more she hissed at herself internally, the worse she felt. However, despite shaky limbs and a neutral mask of a face and the heavy weight on her back, she made it back to camp.

She nearly hesitated before entering camp. Why? Why was she like this? Like an apprentice confessing a crime to StarClan? She had no clue... she never knew what was wrong with her, even now. And now that she was acting up once more, she just wanted to scream and throw herself in the lake. Her moons of practice took over instead, and she walked with an outward calm to where Poppyshine sat in camp. Relaxing. Like I told her to. And now she will never relax again. I'm the worst. Why would she ever listen to me? Why would anyone listen to me again after this? Shut up, shut up, shut up. Before she knew it, Perchstar was there. She gently lowered Sprucepaw to the ground... obviously he would need a bit of cleaning up at the medicine den, but he had expressed a desire to see his mom first. What should she say? What should she do? Tell the truth, fish-brain. "Sprucepaw is okay, just a few small scratches," she began, hating herself already. It sounded like an excuse. "We went to hunt and two weasels jumped him... I ran them off. But he did get a little hurt." She couldn't look Poppyshine in the eyes. She couldn't see the condemnation that awaited there, the betrayal. "I should have been faster. I apologize."

Sprucepaw felt miserable the whole journey home. Perchstar had been generous enough to accept his pathetic request of getting carried back even... he hated that he had to make her do that but he felt exhausted and wasn't sure if he could even get back without tripping over his tired paws. The apprentice was generally pretty honest however so his strength was knowing when to ask for help when he needed it, as hard as that sometimes was.

He was half awake for most of the ride and rested his head as the strong leader carried him home.

Before he knew it he was being slid off the leaders back and the scent of poppyshine washed over him. He stirred awake a little looking up at her with his emerald green eyes. "Mum" he purred softly nuzzling into her soft shoulder fur.

The fight was so scary and he had never felt so overwhelmed during it. I was so scared mum he said hiding his face in her pelt her familiar scent comforting.
"I didnt know if I would ever get to see you again" he whispered staying right by her side.
The little guy had always been pretty open with his emotions especially to mum.

Perchstar was saying something and it took him awhile to process it... she was blaming herself??!
What?? she had saved him, if it was not for her he would be ... he shuddered at the thought.
He forced himself to sit up but it hurt a bit and he winced
"Perchstar, no ... it wasnt your fault. I am the one who went too far away from you, I should have listened closer to the rules and stayed right by your side". Looking back to his mother he pleaded with her

"Really mom, Perch saved my life, I tried my bestest to listen to her honest. Everything just happened so fast"

With Sprucepaw dropped next to his mother, the physical weight had been literally lifted from Perchstar's shoulders. However, the metaphorical weight still lingered. Her broken promise. Her thoughts were spiraling in familiar circles as she waited, eyes glassy and fixed on the ground, for Poppyshine's words. Her friend. Her friend who had been motherly since she was an apprentice, and who now had kits of her very own... kits she cared about more than anything. More than her former mentor, surely. And Perchstar wouldn't blame her. She could take frustrated words, angry words... it was the disappointment she was trying hard to brace herself for.

Finally, Poppyshine's voice filled the air, silencing Sprucepaw's tired, relieved purrs. Perchstar straightened her shoulders. The deputy comforted her son for a moment, then...

"Are you hurt, Perchstar?"

What? Had... had she heard that correctly? Eyes slightly widened in an expression of shock that Poppyshine could easily recognize, Perchstar raised her head to see the worry on her friend's face. Not just for Sprucepaw-- but for her. What? Did she forget about the promise I made? Is she just trying to be nice? I don't understand. Utterly bewildered, all spiraling thoughts of self-hatred temporarily stunned into silence, the leader couldn't quite manage a response. Sprucepaw piped up as well, saying strange words about how it wasn't her fault and he had gone too far. Was that true? Had that been what had happened? The events were blurry in her mind. All she could see was the loving concern in Poppyshine's deep green eyes that had inspired her warrior name. "I-I'm fine," she responded finally, her default neutral tone somewhat tempered by the confusion. "Only Sprucepaw got hurt, then we drove the weasels off." Her tail twitched slightly behind her. She was... unsure what to make of these events. She hadn't planned for this at all. What was she supposed to do or say? Why wasn't Poppyshine upset?

(Applogies for such a delayed response I had thought this wrapped up but it clearly was not finished rereading through it XD and then it was on my list for a long time and ... yeah here are a month later )


Sprucepaw felt waves of exhaustion setting in. His wounds stung and his muscles ached severely. He felt like just not moving ... he didn't have the energy for it. Mum asked him if it had been freighting. He gave a little nod as he stayed close by her side curled up by her paws. He was pretty shaken up over it clearly.

The silver lining perhaps? This series of events did reinforce his already strong following of the rules. Apprentices should always have warriors with them when out and about. If Perchstar was not there... well he would be in a different clan right now with his ancestors.



This would later come to him being even more annoyed at when he had caught Rowanpaw sneaking out of camp alone... er well he thought he had and Spruce was still pretty convinced that rowan had been sneaking off but Rowan said he was fixing the camp wall or something ridiculous which somehow Mum believed at the time... sigh... but for right now he was too tired to think about any of this and at the mention of getting some r&r with auntie dove he nodded some more and did his best to stagger to his paws.


(so like karuna and I already did a topic with spruce getting that healing session so hehe time is a bit of a soup in this topic cause it took me so long to respond (Sorry!))