Should've When You Could've [Bearspirit]

Swiftspirit shivered in her nest, tossing and turning restlessly. She was no stranger to a lack of sleep, but there was no warm presence at her side, and that only made her shiver. Eventually the pointed she-cat gave up on sleep and pulled herself carefully to her paws, gingerly stepping around her sleeping clanmates so as not to wake anyone, heading for the camp entrance.

If she couldn't sleep she might as well patrol or hunt... Or just let her paws carry her where they would.

Snowfall blanketed the moors in white, the sky above dark but for the glitter of the stars above. Swiftspirit stretched, then broke into a jog, slowly increasing her speed. The air she breathed was icy, but invigorating. Running helped clear her head.

Her paws slowed as a familiar silhouette of trees came into view. Fourtrees lay deserted at this hour, without the full moon there was no need for most to come here. Her paws hadn't led her here in moons, though she'd admittedly been too busy with things like being sick to roam the territory at night.

Swiftspirit sat, gaze absently lifting to the sky above. She wasn't truly relaxed enough to drop her guard completely, but the only evidence of it lay in her twitching tail.

Bearspirit had completely recovered from the violence against both Windclan and Thunderclan. Well... physically. He wandered to Fourtrees after days of his mind wandering to... a certain Windclan she-cat. She had shown her true colors that day, why would he even consider-

Being loyal to your clan is not a condemnable offense. The thought popped in his head almost entirely against his will. For a brief moment he was angry with himself, but the anger died quickly. He supposed he couldn't stay mad at her for long with that logic in mind. Maybe she had kits to care for as well.

There were no bad cats in this scenario, just unfortunate circumstances. Once he made his way to Fourtrees and his eyes landed on a familiar form among the snow, he heart skipped a beat. He had a thrill of excitement of actually seeing her there. A wave of pushed aside and forgotten feelings threatened to overwhelm him. He hadn't seen her in moons, refusing to go to gatherings of late.

"Swiftspirit?" He called out, sounding more hopeful and far more happy than he meant to. He approached slowly and carefully. She may not feel so excited to see him at this point, after all...

She wasn't sure how it had happened, but there was a level of distance between herself and her family. Timbersun had gone off to find herbs with Ashfall and the medicine cats, and while Swiftspirit hoped that they succeeded and that the herb could potentially help Dayspring, she... Found that she didn't really miss Timbersun like she was supposed to. It was as if his absence was hardly noticed in her day-to-day... And strangely, it didn't really bother Swiftspirit all that much.

More often she'd found her thoughts wandering to Bearspirit. She'd done well to not think of the Riverclanner much since their skirmishes at the border. She needed to focus on Timbersun and her own family, not the cat she'd considered a friend despite how they'd fought against each other. There was nothing wrong with it, she knew that. He had a clan to protect and kits to feed, just as she did. She'd put her clan first and he'd done the same. He had every right to be angry with how Windclan had taken back the gorge and how she'd attack him. For some reason the thought of that bothered her.

The scent of Riverclan reached her, and Swiftspirit sighed almost imperceptibly, gaze turning to find Bearspirit's familiar pelt. It was as if he'd been summoned by her thoughts, or maybe fate was just laughing at her. Or Starclan. "Of course you're the first cat I see when I finally drag myself out here for the first time in moons." Swiftspirit's whiskers twitched, a small, hesitant smile crossing her expression. He didn't seem to be so angry to see her. It had been moons, though, would he really have held onto anger for that long? Swiftspirit liked to think he wouldn't... Hoped so, at least.

Bearspirit for just a moment was taken aback by her words, but then he realized that she wasn't upset about it. He was happier about that than he should have been. He approached her and stopped at a reasonable distance away. Now that she was in front of him, he wasn't sure what to say. He hesitated, even looking at the ground and scuffing his paw against the snow.

"Yeah I... I'm sorry about how I..." What? Threatened her and was a total jerk to her last time they met? That he had been skipping out on gatherings in a desperate attempt to avoid her?

"I'm sorry." He left it that, hoping she'd understand. There probably wasn't anything to apologize for really, but he felt like he should. "How is Windclan?" He added lamely.

"Sorry?" She thought she knew what he was getting at, though, and shrugged. "You were putting your clan first, so was I." a few moons removed from the situation and she wasn't as angry about things. She'd told him to put his clan first too, hadn't she?

"Windclan's surviving." He didn't need to know how sick some cats were. "I'm not sure what mousebrain would want to live with no cover from the wind in leafbare, but it could be worse." She might've been that mousebrain. Maybe. And apparently the prey were smarter than the cats were. "And Riverclan?" "And you?" She wanted to ask, but refrained.She wasn't sure she wanted to know the answer, with how desperate they had all been during the fight over the gorge.

He hadn't thought about Windclan sleeping in the open during leaf-bare... and this season was especially bad. Did they just let the snow collect on them? They didn't have waterproof coats like Riverclan did. When the snow melted from their body heat, the water would go straight to their skin. That realization alone was enough to give him concern.

"Riverclan is surviving too. The season has been harsh but we're managing. I can't wait for Newleaf." Not to mention for food to be more available and the sunshine. With that out of the way, he wasn't here to talk about the weather. He didn't even really have a reason for being here really, but the weather wasn't something he wanted to linger on at this point.

"I know I mentioned this to you before, that I care about you... No that still doesn't sound right. I care for you. Even despite having kits and even after that mess at the Gorge... I haven't been able to shake off that feeling. I'm telling you this because I want you to know that if you ever needed anything, you can always ask me. I'm convinced that this won't go away no matter what I do... not that it's fair to anyone in Riverclan." Especially not Dewlight. She had been so wonderful. A great mother and a warm, caring mate... but his thoughts still remained with Swiftspirit. It wasn't right, but it was the truth. At least he made it more clear to Swiftspirit than he had before. He'd left it sort of vague last time, but he was done being vague. He was done fighting it.

"It has been." She agreed, "And running around in the snow is awkward. At least I somewhat blend in with the stuff." Her pale fur was good for that, though offered little real protection from the elements.

And then came Bearspirit's next words, and Swiftspirit was up and pacing like clockwork. It was the cold, she told herself, nothing more.

Why did he do this to her? It was a terrible, terrible idea, caring about this idiot tom not even in her own clan. They'd had this discussion before, hadn't they? Not that the choice had seemed to dissuade him from caring.

Or her.

Foxdung. "I regret fighting you." She huffed, tail flicking back and forth. "I wish things had gone differently." Wishing things would've gone differently changed nothing, she knew.

"Yeah... I thought I was doing well at ignoring those. I don't like thinking that you're probably right." She snorted, "I know I shouldn't regret putting my clan first, but it bothers me anyways. I had kits too and I... Don't regret having them. But-" She stopped pacing, claws flexing into the snow. "I'm not sure he notices how distant we actually are. I'm not sure I really care. He's on that trip with the medicine cats and it's like I've barely noticed he's-" Swiftspirit stopped herself mid-sentence, tail lashing as she realized. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Why'd she just blurt whatever was on her mind? Goldenfang was back at camp, she could've confided in her.

"Sorry... I know it's not your business."

The news that she had kits too stung him, but as she continued, confusion and concern replaced the pain quickly. He didn't feel that way about Dewlight... he did care for her. But he cared for Swiftspirit a bit more and it made him feel like crowfood. Clearly Swiftspirit was having similar... dilemmas. That shouldn't have excited him as much as it did and he did his best to keep the surprise off of his face.

"I like Dewlight... she's been great for me and for the kits but she... she just isn't you." And it was out. Completely. If Starclan wanted to strike him down, so be it. He was tired of lying and pretending. It had proven more exhausted than he thought it would and it felt like a weight had been lifted off of his shoulders.

"If you don't feel so close to him... would you ever consider joining-" He stopped himself right there. What a dumb idea. What a horrible, painful thing to do to Dewlight. His ears folded back against his head, clearly ashamed, and he looked back down at his duo-toned toes. "Nevermind."

Maybe it was time to go. He shouldn't be out here with her. Especially not with her. Yet even as that thought lingered, he couldn't bring himself to leave. He hadn't seen her in so long... he was loathe to just turn around and go home. There was a part of him that told him to accept that this is the way things were and that he should have made different choices. Another part was hoping Swiftspirit would have ideas that would release them both from the situation neither of them wanted to be in.

"Clearly ignoring this... these things... hasn't worked." These things being their emotions. Their mutual fondness for one another despite being in different clans and trying to settle down in their own territories. It just didn't matter... so what should they do?

Swiftspirit watched as Bearspirit struggled to hide a flicker of surprise at her words. Her whiskers twitched, and she huffed, paws turning to pace restlessly once more. "It's good that she's great with the kits, at least. So's Timber. I'd never want our problems to get in the way of that, even if I feel little for him at this point." She'd been trying to do better with her own kits recently, they'd make fine warriors some day.

She turned to stare at Bearspirit's next words. "I'd say come to Windclan but... Our leadership is going through enough changes at the moment without adding more stress onto them." He knew Windclan territory, had spent moons hunting on the moors while the twolegs and their stupid dogs had taken over Riverclan's territory. It would've been easier. "Still... Your clan needs you as much as mine needs me." She couldn't shake the feeling of regret at the thought however. It bled into her tone despite her efforts to hide it. Her words were true, though. Especially now with this miserable season upon the forest.

"I don't know, I think we've done a great job of ignoring our feelings so far. So great that we can't help but run into each other every time one of us comes out here. I feel like we've even had part of this conversation before." She commented dryly. That conversation had been on Windclan territory, and they'd agreed to put their clans before their... friendship... whatever... whatever this was. Only Swiftspirit wasn't quite sure she remembered why they had agreed to that now. She knew it was wrong but... Did it really matter? What were two warriors in the grand scheme of things? "Not sure whose idea ignoring those was the first time, honestly. Clearly that's been absolutely pointless." And once more, Swiftspirit found herself wondering if she truly cared about that at all. Bearspirit was a good tom, attractive, too. Was it really so bad that she preferred his company to the toms in her own clan?