Make up Your Mind [C]

The last thin streaks of red were finally starting to leave the hazy evening-blue sky, guiding the forest into the night. Most RiverClan cats had retired to their nests, or were just finishing their last bites of prey before doing so. It seemed like every cat in the Clan had gone away for the evening; all but two, lingering in the day's retreating shadow.

Cloverheart spent plenty of time hovering just outside her den lately. She worked rivets into the ground as she watched cats come and go, feeling just out of reach of them. Some days, it felt more like she was watching over her own shoulder, hardly a ghost before her passing Clanmates. But when she stayed out past the sun, she was often left to watch alone. Pushing forward on paws that didn't feel quite her own, the medicine cat slowly crossed the clearing.

"Hi," she mewed gently as she sat down beside the tom, offering a slight nod. "You just became a warrior, right? Ebonyhaze?" Cloverheart tried a smile, tipping her head slightly. "Most of the warriors are asleep by now, you know. Or... trying to be. Is something on your mind?" Even if a medicine cat's job was mostly looking after physical injuries, she ought to make sure her Clanmates were doing well, too. The foggy voice of a cat warning her about her own mental health pushed against her mind, but Cloverheart stubbornly shook her head and softened her smile.

Ebonyhaze had always found comfort in the stars. Even as a kit before he was told they represented every one of his ancestors, every warrior sitting up in the sky and looking down at him. Sometimes it was unnerving, like thousands of eyes judging his actions, but others it felt like a mother watching their kit. More curious and warm than judgemental. However, tonight, he didn't know how to characterize the twinkling lights in the dark.

He blinked as a voice called out to him, lowering his green gaze to look down at the medicine cat. "Yes, I earned my name a moon or two ago." However, sometimes it felt like it was a mere blink after his warrior ceremony. He still sometimes made mistakes and almost thoughtlessly entered the apprentice den only to remember he had made his nest elsewhere.

The she-cat's inquiry to his thoughts brought up an instinctive response. "Oh no, I'm fine, I just..." He couldn't complete his normal dismissal. He didn't want to dump any of his thoughts on anyone, but this was the medicine cat. It was her job to help with such things, right? Perhaps he could let out a little of his frustrations. With a deep breath, he changed courses. "I'm not sure if it's normal to dwell so much on your moonstone journey, but it put a lot of thoughts in my head. I asked him about finding purpose in my actions... which sounds a bit dramatic coming out of my mouth now, but he said that I need to make my own purpose. I was satisfied with that.. but then I came home and realized I didn't know quite how to do that either." He chuckled softly, a nervous response to letting out so much.

"Now I'm just... thinking. Do you ever feel that too?" Ebonyhaze didn't quite specify what exact feeling he meant. Any amount of solidarity would make him feel better, whether it be working without meaning or not understanding how to complete a goal, just anything he can latch onto and know he wasn't the first to go through it.

Cloverheart bid him a nod when he mentioned how long ago his ceremony had been. Only a few moons... but when she reached for the memory of taking him to the Moonstone as a 'paw, it didn't seem quite there. It felt so much farther away, almost as if it was from when she was an apprentice herself... The she-cat watched Ebonyhaze sidelong, ears twitching. Thankfully, he kept talking.

She let the dark-furred tom talk, nodding occasionally to show she was listening. She was glad she decided to sit with him tonight; it sounded like a needed the company, or at least an ear to listen. Cloverheart let the question hang, then slowly bowed her head.

"Well..." Uncertainty caught her tongue, and she paused, thin tail flicking sharply. "Not... the exact same. I wouldn't say I think too much about, say, my trips to the Moonstone, or anything particular StarClan has told me... but I do think, often." Cloverheart hummed a little, working over what she should say next. Ebonyhaze had told her about his troubles, and in some ways, it felt shallow to leave him with little more than an acknowledgement. Sighing, she eventually settled on something to say to him.

"I think... a lot, about SkyClan. I think a lot about advice certain– certain cats..." The misty apparition of a cat she knew as if instinctually but couldn't seem to name tried to appear in front of her, and Cloverheart's ears flicked in acknowledgment of the loner's visage. Continuing, "Sorry. Advice that... certain cats have given me. I think about cats I used to know." She missed Dennis' smile; she wished she had found him.

Something hazy tried to take form at the loner's side. She wasn't sure she recognized the cat, but her chest tightened at the idea of them. "That's... well..." Cloverheart gave a light laugh, hoping it would soothe her sudden unease, the quiet weight of her own admission. "None of that's too important. It's just to say... I do, I understand. I think, too." Cloverheart quieted, gaze drifting to watch her paws. The moment of silence hung before she quietly offered, "Do you want to talk about it– your Moonstone, I mean? Maybe I can help. Maybe I can help point you towards a 'purpose.'"

Ebonyhaze wasn't quite used to being the one talking. He was used to being a listener, so he fell easily back into that role as Cloverheart began to speak. He became quiet, large ears carefully absorbing her words. He wasn't too sure about the medicine cat's history, but her scaring was a simple way to tell it wasn't a kind one. It didn't take long for him to put two and two together, assuming Skyclan or the mentioned certain cats may have done it to her. He didn't let his eyes linger on them for long though, more focused on her words than his own thoughts.

He nodded softly as she showed she understood his feelings, having had the same in her own way. It was reassuring enough to allow him to share more of his views. "The cat I met was Sparkfrost. I'm not sure if you knew them, but he was kind, made me feel as though we were close friends despite having just met. He told me I had to find my own purpose in my actions, and do what feels right." He trailed off, his thoughts churning before he continued. "I've always wanted to take care of my clan, ever since I was small. If that's not my purpose, I don't know what else it could be... but nothing I do quite feels enough. I spend all my time by the river or patrolling, there's nothing more I can really contribute, but I feel I'm not doing enough."

He frowned, considering his own words before letting out another somber chuckle. "I supposed that's a bit selfish of me. I'm already doing what I can, I shouldn't expect to do more than what any other warrior can do."

Ebonyhaze seemed happy to listen to her, but more relieving than having an open ear was his decision to actually keep talking. Cloverheart's whiskers twitched, an ear turned towards him to affirm she was listening, even if misty green eyes looked half-focused on some spot beyond him. When he sounded done, the medicine cat nodded, a light chirping noise rising from her throat.

"First of all, you sound just like Turtlefur. Are all the warriors the same?" She purred, her words light and teasing. "But anyway... I don't believe I've ever met a Sparkfrost, no. He sounds kind, though." Cloverheart smiled evenly, head tilted a bit to the right. "I was– I was a warrior apprentice, before I was a medicine cat." Right? It sounded right– she could almost feel the way the river felt against her paws, warm from the green-lead sun, almost imagine the little glint of fish darting by. What had pushed her to become a medicine cat? Cloverheart looked at her companion slowly, blinked once or twice, then just let out a sigh. "That's... not important. What is important is that I'm here now. And so are you. I guess it is pretty easy to get caught up in feeling like you need to do more, especially when– when so much happens to your Clan at once." A pause to breathe, then she continued, "There are different ways to care for your Clan, isn't there? I mean, I don't go around checking the borders every day, I don't fish. I still do my part; I still care." Cloverheart let the words hang, seemingly at a loss for what to say next. She hoped Ebonyhaze understood what she meant, at least. That he was doing enough– more than enough, probably. Then an idea struck her, and she perked up, a wide grin crossing her features.

"You know, I could use the help. It's hard being the Clan's only medicine cat, especially with leaf-bare so close, and especially when you aren't great at getting around." Cloverheart let out an airy laugh, but a brief wince crossed her expression. "If you think it'll help, I can always pull you away from warrior duties to work with me. You can help me gather herbs, I can show you what most of them are for. Maybe you can even help around if cats get sick and I need an extra paw." She angled her tail to tap it gently against Ebonyhaze's flank, eyes bright as she focused on him. "You don't have to, but it would give you something to do. Something to take your mind off things?"

Ebonyhaze gave a quiet hum and a smile at her light quip. He had not spoken to Turtlefur yet, but it was comforting to know his worries were common enough to sound parroted.

He continued to offer a listening ear. Cloverheart seemed to be stuck in her own thoughts, or at least he believed she was. Her gaze rested elsewhere while he spoke, little pauses in her own speech. He wouldn't pry though, allowing her to choose which words were fit for his ears. When her sentiments trailed off, he nodded, allowing them to brew in his own head. That made sense. Even if he didn't feel it, he was still doing something, he was still helping the clan in some way. Perhaps that is what Sparkpelt meant, he had to find his own way to do his part, and then his contribution would feel more tangible and meaningful to him.

And then, Cloverheart's offer came as though she was privy to his thoughts. His ears perked. "You'd let me?" he blurted, only to feel silly. She wouldn't have offered if it wasn't serious... right? Helping with herbs... did sound really intriguing. He had never thought about it before. He had thrown himself into warrior duties before he was even of age to be one, and when he didn't feel adequate, he simply worked harder did more. Maybe he never felt sufficient... because he was meant to do something else.

That was a relieving thought, much to his surprise. "I think I'd like that. Herbs are truly fascinating with how they work, I think it would be fun to learn about them more in-depth." He never quite understood how a plant could cure infection or soothe a belly ache. It was rather amazing to think of how cats not only learned how to use them, but could somehow remember them all! He felt blessed to have an opportunity to see them up close.