no more keeping score [c]

She's not gone. She can't be.

More patrols returned to camp, none of them bearing good news. Primroselight continued to pace, wanting to stay calm and yet at the same time seriously considering just running out of camp and looking herself. Dawnfeather hadn't been here in two sunrises, and as much as she hated to admit it, the warrior was starting to lose hope for her kit. Not wanting to wallow in her own thoughts, she searched for Muddythorn, wanting to check he was alright after his sister's disappearance. However, when she entered the medicine den, the lack of noise quickly clued her in that he wasn't here - chances were, he was out on a herb hunt, since that seemed to be the only thing medicine cats ever did. Didn't it get a bit receptive after a while? But then again, every cat had a different way of coping. Primroselight's was just to try and keep up her happy image, console the ones around her before she found closure herself. Eventually the pain went away if you ignored it long enough.

Muddythorn not being there was the final twig, and in one swift motion, she spun around, heading for the camp entrance. Her father had decreed that no cat go out alone, but that was the least of her worried right now. But a quiet scuffle alerted her to the fact that another warrior had joined, thankfully one who had the common sense to keep their distance and fade into the background.

Despite how many times she treaded the paths of her territory, even Primroselight couldn't memorise an entire forest perfectly. Normally she tended to take her time in walking, carefully trying to not make a fool of herself. She had other things on her mind today. However, after multiple trips and stumbles, she had to give in and slow her pace, mind changing course as she tentatively treaded over the roots and gullies.

Find her scent, it hasn't rained yet since someone last saw her, so I should be able to find it. The cream warrior thought, now in a clearing where slightly less thought was needed on her walking. Her other senses were sharpened after having to rely on them so much, and so, nose to the ground as if she were searching for prey, she continued to walk.

In reality, the tracking was more of a way to feel like she was actually doing something to help. Chances were, if countless patrols hadn't found anything of use, neither would she.

Desperately, she tried to think of all the possible things that could've happened.

Dawnhawk. It had happened once before, and it could happen again. Knowing how Dawnfeather had spoken - spoke. She's not gone - about him, she could've gone willingly as well. At least that meant she probably wasn't hurt. However, last time she had been hurt by him, and still refused to see what everyone else saw. She mentioned all the things he'd taught her, like healing and hunting, and constantly called him 'Hawkuncle.' Primroselight had once been somewhat naive, but had been through far too much now to keep that up. Her daughter on the other hand, constantly managed to retain it, even after all the bad she'd seen. It had worried the warrior sometimes, but she hadn't thought much of it until now. But that seemed far too easy a conclusion to come to, especially when so many more possibilities were apaw.

Twolegs. Primroselight had heard stories of cats disappearing and being taken by Twolegs in their monsters. Most of the time, they came back. But was that being too hopeful? She'd also spent time in Twolegplace, albeit the abandoned and run-down part of it, and it was no place for a cat to live, no matter how well-looked after they were. Maybe Dawnfeather would like it though, or currently be trying to work her way out. Maybe-

"For Starclan's sake!" She shouted out, no doubt startling her patrol partner, who was just quietly trying to hunt a few fox-lengths away. Despite her slow pace, and unexpected root that arched out of the ground had caught her paw, not quite sending her flying, but still left her stumbling to keep balance. It wasn't like Primroselight to get frustrated so easily, but she was wearing thin. Even if she had distracted herself from it, Sparrowflight's death still loomed over her, a heavy storm cloud that was a pokes away from unleashing all of its rain. Muddythorn had seemed a little more subdued, buried in his work as now Skyclan's only medicine cat. He seemed convinced that if he leant more, trained harder and did everything as well as he could, he could stop every cat from meeting the same fate.

But even the most skilled medicine cat couldn't bring warriors back from Starclan.

Primroselight was sick of burying her family. The stars promised new life, one free from pain and plentiful with prey. But the most stark difference was that you left your loved ones behind, behind to face the day-to-day struggles and turbulences of clan life.

What had once been twelve siblings had become four. Most walking with Starclan, one tied to a fate much worse.

Sparrowflight was gone. Mallowkit and Dustkit, barely taken a breath, were gone too. Stagkit, who had so nearly made it. Slatekit, who'd health worried her every day. Countless others she had loved and not been strong enough to hold onto.

Maybe she just left. Birdsong had done it, along with Tornshadow. Primroselight knew what it was like to feel powerless to stop change: from the fire that swarmed the territory, to the foxes that had killed her mate and sister, to the Asylum pouncing on them while she was still healing from injury. Each tragedy they lost more cats to, young and old. What if Dawnfeather just hadn't wanted to deal with all that anymore? She wanted to believe that her kit wouldn't just leave without saying goodbye, but farewells made it hurt so much more.

Everything and everyone was slipping out of her grasp, and so she would cling on tighter than ever. To Muddythorn, who'd finally found a place where he was happy. To Hollypaw and Wasppaw and Slatekit, who were still wide-eyed and eager to the wonders of the world. To Beechface, who finally seemed to be happy. To Smokefeather, sick in the elders' den. To Bloodstrike, no matter how strained their current relationship may be or become.

One thing was for sure. Primroselight refused to believe Dawnfeather was gone until she met her in Starclan, or found her no longer breathing body.

Good luck, my kit. Prima will be waiting for you when you find your way back home.