Loss and Burden [O]

Ashfall had found that throwing herself into work was good. No thinking, all her efforts were for her clan, nothing else. She had barely ate, barely slept, since she had heard the news. Her mother's scent had ended at the gorge, but there was a new tunnel nearby with water that flowed through it... Sunnyskip had not returned. Then her brother's scent was found at a tunnel, but it was collapsed. Nobody found either of their bodies, but there seemed little possibility they had survived. Within what felt like only a few sunrises, her family had disappeared, leaving Ashfall alone.

Limping over to the fresh-kill pile, the warrior chose a small rabbit, pulling it over to an isolated corner of camp. She had barely talked either, just wordless nods and work. Her heart felt filled with rocks, and beneath that, an anger born of sorrow. An anger born of how meaningless and stupid her family's deaths had been. It wasn't their fault though, she couldn't, she wouldn't, blame them. Ashfall just wished she had someone to blame.

So Ashfall watched the camp carefully, as she always had, through blue, red-rimmed eyes. She began eating swiftly, just wanting to escape camp as fast as she could and go back to catching prey. Just wanted to avoid dealing with her grief for as long as possible. It would just... be a burden to the clan, her emotions. She just needed to stay normal, to work harder than before, that would keep her productive. She had to be productive...

Hentooth was simmering in anger. Two cats in a pawful of sunrises. Two cats slipping through her paws. Sunnyskip at the Gorge, Ryesnap in the tunnels… both tunnels. Why did they have tunnels. What good did tunnels ever do anyone. Maybe they should stop using the tunnels. The practice had been revived under the fabled Finchstar… maybe it was better left alone.

There was no doubt in her mind that Sunnyskip was dead. Ryesnap… it was just possible that he’d managed to trek on, underground, for sunrises… but it was terribly unlikely. Hentooth hurried into camp, jaws full of potent herbs. She was frustrated… she knew she couldn’t be everywhere at once but she sure wanted to be. She glanced quickly across camp… and saw someone suffering. Ashfall’s eyes were tinged with red… whether from crying or lack of sleep the young medicine cat didn’t know. Ashfall had been there for her when she needed it… it was only fair that she was there for her.

Quickly laying the herbs just inside her den, the calico trotted over to the fresh-kill pile, selecting a bird. She walked over to where Ashfall sat and sat down beside her, wordlessly. They had a lot in common, now. Parents deserting the Clan… the other parent dying alone… losing a sibling… Hentooth had lost Bearkit and Rabbitkit back when they were kits… it felt like she’d lost her two brothers now. She needed to talk to Timber… Hentooth sighed deeply, hoping her presence would comfort the grey molly.

“A wise cat once told me it’s better to not hold things in. They fester, like a wound.” She glanced over at Ashfall, a tiny flicker of mischief in the green eyes, wondering if the tabby would recognize her own words.

"Ashfall." Downtuft whispered, padding over. "Don't." The tom had seen too many cats overwork themselves, push aside the grief, and shove their limits until they collapsed. His own emerald eyes simmered with sorrow. Softbreeze, his best friend, his sister, the cat he loved more than life itself, was dead. "Sit. Let's talk," the usually gruff senior warrior mewed. "You need to take a break. Don't be strong. Cats need to be weak sometimes. Don't make the same mistakes my sister made when she was younger. Let us know when you're hurting, kit."

His tone started harsh, gruff, but it softened out, concern lingering in his gaze. The sandy tom wasn't the best with words, but Ashfall needed help. "I know better than most what it's like to lose cats you love back to back. I lost my father, mother, mentor, and my brother only two moons apart. I've seen cats work themselves into the ground. I'm not leaving until you talk to me, or to Hentooth. WindClan is your family, Ashfall, and we care about you. Don't forget that."

Swiftspirit had experienced loss before. It was inevitable, she knew that. It didn't make those losses hurt any less however, especially not when those losses were cats she'd considered friends. Maybe she shouldn't have gotten so attached. She could almost hear her mother's cautionary voice, telling her the pitfalls that would come with such.

Swiftspirit ignored it. Mother was dead and gone, and she'd long since decided that she made her own path in life. She couldn't follow what had been laid out before her as a kit. She'd joined Windclan, she'd made friends. They'd all fought and bled for each other, and she'd adapted to their way of life more quickly than she thought she would have. Probably more quickly than Eris would have liked.

Eleos, if she'd ever truly existed, was long buried.

Swiftspirit stood, blue eyes sweeping across camp before settling on a familiar tabby-pointed she-cat. Ashfall, to put it bluntly, looked terrible. Ragged, thin, she was grieving, and had valid, painful reason more than most. Sunnyskip and Ryesnap hadn't just been clanmates to her,, after all. They hadn't been just clanmates to Swiftspirit either, and neither was Ashfall.

Swiftspirit watched as her friend limped back to her corner of camp with a small rabbit, hesitating slightly. With a shake of her head, she made her way towards Ashfall, tail waving in friendly, if subdued, greeting. Hentooth and Downtuft had padded over to join her as well, and Swiftspirit made it within earshot as they spoke. She gave the two a tiny nod of greeting before her gaze returned to Ashfall.

"They're right, you know." Swiftspirit mewed softly. "I'm sorry... I wish I could say it gets easier with time but..." She shrugged. Grief was something they could only learn how to deal with. Time passing wouldn't make the loss hurt any less.

Ashfall had only just begun to eat when she heard the soft pawsteps of... someone approaching. Her head shot up, revealing only Hentooth. Yet then she also saw Downtuft approaching from further away. There was a feeble attempt of escape before she was cornered by her two concerned clanmates. Rabbitdung... The molly's face remained expressionless, her body language rigid as more and more attempts at comforting her flooded in. She had only wanted to be left alone to process her emotions. She had never been good at it in the first place. All these cats cornering her made her feel worse than before... she didn't want their pity.

Quietly, with a raspy tone due to the disuse of her own voice, she spoke. "Look, you are all very... polite for trying to help me, but I'll be fine. I just have to accept it. I get that Windclan is my family, but... but my kin... they deserved better than to die alone like they did. Just- I'll get better. I just will. It just takes time. Sleep hasn't been kind to me, and I'd rather hunt than sit around wallowing in my own grief. I will get better, I really will." Ashfall wasn't sure if she believed her own words. Now, instead of the occasional nightmare about losing her eye, or her father coming back to try and kill Windclan, there were times she dreamt about her family. Her family angry that they were not saved somehow, that it was somehow her fault that they died. In her head, she knew it wasn't true, in her heart though... that was another matter.

Ashfall's tail-tip twitched anxiously, looking at the cats that now surrounded her. They were her friends, but she still just... didn't understand why they were trying to help her. Maybe it was just the exhaustion catching up with her.

“Foxdunged rabbit-brain,” Hentooth murmured under her breath. She rose to her paws, motioning the others back with her tail (although she wasn’t really expecting them to listen to her) and stared straight into Ashfall’s eyes. There was a small voice inside her doubting that she was doing this the right way, but this was the only way she knew. “Stars above, Ashfall, we’re here because we care about you! You of all cats know I ain’t as polite as a constipated hare! If you need time alone- I get it, we get it, but before I high-tail it off I’ll remind you that… you said somethin’ smart-eared to me about… needing to talk about it an’ all that. If you ain’t there yet, I can respect that (and stars know I can’t respect much). We’re here because we care about you, and because we been there, we know what it’s like, and we know that talking helps!”

“And,” she added, in a suddenly tense voice, obviously trying to keep back her displeasure, “And you should be talking to me if you have trouble sleeping. Poppy seeds don’t fix nightmares but they help.” She left out the part where she knew that from personal experience.

The young medicine cat took a step back and waited for Ashfall’s response… or at least she tried to. There was one last thing she had to say- “You’re one o’ WindClan’s best warriors, and I don’t want you runnin’ yourself into the ground.”. A keen look said “I tried that, remember how that went?” Ashfall would recover… or maybe the recuperative properties of the young had left her. Hentooth herself recovered from sorrow and illness quickly… it was hard to stay depressed when she was working hard and surrounded by good cats. She’d keep that in mind.