Recently, I suffered a mental health event that could have potentially hospitalized me. Anybody who has been in my position will know how scary it can be. A lot of “what if” questions hit you at once, and being in that position puts a huge stress on your loved ones and yourself. It’s traumatizing. This was not a fluke, it was the culmination of months of ignoring my own mental health and the problems I have been dealing with since I was a young child. I have been trying to keep this under wraps as far as WCC goes, trusting that it would not be notable enough to warrant me talking about such a frankly life-changing moment.

Suffice it to say, this did not happen. My experience has left me desolate and sucked joy from many parts of my life. It has replaced that joy with guilt, shame, and intense anxiety. My only band-aid solution until I get the help I need is to distance myself from the things that are causing these emotions… even if I don’t want to, even if it sucks, even if I stubbornly want to keep going as if everything’s fine. I love RP and I love WCC, but my current state of denial just bogs down the site and the clan where I am deputy. When I am well enough, I will come back, but for now, I am simply too tired to do anything. I am too tired to write, too tired to exercise, too tired to draw, too tired to read, and too tired to do homework. I need to rest, or I’m going to keep feeling this way. I'll be stepping down from staff and giving up my place as RiverClan's deputy to whoever Maple decides is best. When I come back, I will not be pursuing any high ranks or staff positions, at least not right away. I want to rediscover what made me love RP in the first place, and just exist as a regular member for a while.

So yes, I will come back. That's almost guaranteed. I love it too much to stay away. Until I do:

Ferretnose died a few sunrises after Mossbloom, succumbing to a disease that no one knew she had, because she was too confused to tell them. She was smiling to the end. Though she was in significant pain, she never let anybody know it. She found her mates in StarClan, and finally remembered her son’s name.

Loonwhisper woke with a start in the middle of the night to the sound of a loon crooning out to him. He followed the sound to the edge of camp and looked out past the reeds to find a large group of them drifting down the river. Looking back at his clan sleeping silently, he wondered if they’d notice him slip away. Not for long, no. Just long enough. If he followed the loons, he might find the missing piece of him. The missing part that made him so strange. Follow the loons. He waded into the river and swam after them. Maybe tomorrow, maybe in a season, he will return. He must.

Galloway felt a strange blustering sensation on the wind one morning that unsettled him. There was a new smell on the air. It was nothing incredibly strange, but it made him uneasy. He felt flighty. On a whim, he went to Twolegplace, where he decided that the secrets of the Asylum’s last stragglers might lie among the gossipping kittypets. He followed their trail of stories deeper and deeper into no-cat’s-land, hoping to finally find his way back home.

Ryesnap hardly had time to move before the tunnel began to disintegrate around him. It crumbled faster than he could think, and he was far too slow to reach the last viable entrance. When he failed to return to camp, the sunken tunnel was discovered, but for all their digging the patrol never found one scrap of pale golden fur. His survival is unknown, but there may still be hope…

The moral of this story is to take care of yourself and listen to what your mind is telling you it needs. You deserve it, you require it. If you don’t pick a day to rest, your body will pick one for you. It will pick the day, time, and duration, and you will not get a warning. Suffering is not anybody’s default state. If you feel that way, like I did, it’s a sign.

I will still be on Discord and hanging out during my break. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to be a mod, to be a deputy, and a medicine cat and admin before. I’ll never forget it, or the wonderful staff team that helped me grow as a person. I don’t know if I’ll ever be in those positions again, but once a clanmate, always a clanmate. I’ll be around. Hope to see you soon. Thanks guys.

- Grizz