Find Some Comfort [C]

Ashfall limped into the Medicine Den quietly, not wanting to disturb Henpaw if she was doing something important. When she saw Henpaw in the den, she made herself louder so that way she wouldn't startle the poor apprentice. "Henpaw, hi there. Uh, how're you? Sorry if I'm disturbing you, this is just a social visit, I can come back later if you're busy." Ashfall was still terrible at social interaction, especially with apprentices. They were just young, and it made her feel old, even though she wasn't.

It was worse with Henpaw though, her mother had abandoned the clan, and Fawnstep, Starclan keep him, had been killed by a rogue prowling the border. Not only that, but Smallbean had gone missing, leaving Henpaw alone to do all the work. Thankfully, it had been about two moons since the battle anyway, everyone was at least healed enough to not need consistent care. Still, she knew all this hardship must be weighing heavy on the younger cat's shoulders, and Ashfall wouldn't stand by and let another apprentice feel burdened by the sins of her own parent, or the work she must now accomplish without her mentor to help her.

Henpaw was staring blankly at the herbs before her. There was so much to do. Not just herbs. There was watching out for WindClan’s well-being, the half-moon medicine cat meeting, and Moonstone journeys. She needed to get on those… at least they were close enough to Mothermouth that the walk wasn’t a long one. It… was so much work. So many responsibilities. The warriors could share their work, and even Daystar could leave things to Goldenfang if she had to. But… Henpaw was alone. All alone. There was no other medicine cat in the entire Clan.

It wasn’t that she was lacking in knowledge. She’d always been a quick learner, and Smallbean had nearly finished teaching her everything he knew. But it wasn’t enough. It would never be enough. If SkyClan attacked again… the memory, although fuzzy and vague in places, was still strikingly accurate in a few points. The snapping of Daystar’s leg. The taking of Ashfall’s eye. The blood everywhere. The way SkyClan’s deputy threatened to kill her. The blood pooling on the sands.

If that ever happened again… would she be enough?

And it wasn’t even that… the day to day responsibilities were more than enough. With Smallbean here, she’d had free time, time to breathe and stretch her legs. Now… she spent every spare moment overstocking on herbs. Never going too far from camp. She hadn’t truly run in too long… but she didn’t dare be any distance from camp. She didn’t even dare spar or hunt. She was the only cat in WindClan who knew these herbs. She had to take care. But then she had to do Moonstone journeys, and half-moon meetings, and she just couldn’t. She couldn’t. She couldn’t be away from camp. If any cat got hurt… she’d blame herself. Her paws shook.

Dimly, she heard somecat enter her den. Right. She turned… and it was Ashfall. She didn’t look injured (her first thought) or distressed. Her brain finally processed the warrior’s words and she blinked. “Oh. Oh, no, I’m… I’m fine…” She wasn’t fine. She wasn’t fine. She wasn’t fine. Her voice was breaking, she couldn’t keep this up, not for Ashfall, the cat she’d always admired. Her paws trembled… but a t-true warrior of WindClan wasn’t weak… but didn’t she spend her time telling cats to talk to her about it? Who was she supposed to talk to?

“I’m not fine…” She buried her face in her chest fur as she started to quietly sob, words spilling out of her like a river turned loose. “Father and Tawnyflare and Smallbean and even Timberpaw and I can’t keep it u-u-up!” She was crying freely now, the tears streaking her cheek fur. She couldn’t keep up. She’d always thought she could stand on her own but she couldn’t. She didn’t need WindClan the way they needed her… but she did… she didn’t need but she wanted somecat to… cry to. She felt certain Ashfall wouldn’t judge her… she just needed to get this out. “I’m so-sorry!” She sobbed. “I didn’t mean to spill this all on you! I didn’t mean to…” She was shaking, now, a mouse-brained thing to do but she couldn’t help it. She didn’t want to pour all this out on Ashfall, the poor molly having only asked a question and the medicine cat fell apart… she didn’t know what she wanted. She was tired and depressed and just desperately needed somecat to lean on.

Ashfall wasn't good at comforting, at least she didn't think so, but her heart felt heavy as Henpaw began to cry, to spill her emotions to her. She knew how it felt, to hold it all in. She still held so much in, and now she felt bitter and jaded. Henpaw didn't deserve that fate. The white warrior limped over to the apprentice, putting her soft tail over her shoulders. She purred quietly, hoping to calm the poor she-cat down a tad. "Hey, look it's okay. Holding things in is hard, trust me I know. I'm glad you trust me enough to even tell me. I'm sorry it's been hard, but look, you're stronger having gotten through it. I know that fixes nothing, but don't feel weak for this."

Her one ear flicked back, feeling sorry for Henpaw, but also in confusion. What had happened with Timberpaw? Despite this confusion, she pressed her side against Henpaw's to try to comfort her more. "You're a good medicine cat, and a good clanmate. Smallbean, and your father, would be proud of you for all that you've accomplished without them around. You're still so young, and you don't deserve to have so much on your shoulders, but you're carrying that weight well. We couldn't ask for a better medicine cat apprentice." She paused for a moment, contemplating if she should ask her question, before asking it anyway. Ashfall needed to know the whole story. "So what's happened with Timberpaw? You said he was a source of your troubles, can I ask why?"

Ashfall’s tail over her shoulders was a welcome feeling, reassuring. She’d been so busy… when was the last time she even really talked to another cat, apart from quick hisses or comments? The kit… that must have been it… when was that? She realized through her tears that she couldn’t remember when that was, that staying up as long as she could at night had muddled her sense of time… she couldn’t think straight… she clung to the comforting feeling like a drowning cat to a root. She needed to sort these herbs… but she couldn’t, not now, not with these tears muddling her vision… she needed some thyme… but she hadn’t dared venture far enough to get some… it hadn’t seemed that important… now she wanted some… she didn’t have it… a familiar voice in her head began the your fault, your fault, your fault diatribe, but she couldn’t listen, not now, Ashfall was talking and it was her job to listen.

It wasn’t what she’d expected, she slowly realized. It was the comforting words of a mentor or a close friend, words Henpaw hadn’t expected to hear but clung to all the same. She leaned into Ashfall, her sobs slowing down so she could listen properly to the molly’s words… she dully noted it in the back of her mind for later. Talking. Right.

Fawnstep would be proud? She didn’t think so… she wouldn’t be proud of her… what was she doing? Instead of gathering herbs like a good medicine cat, she was sitting sobbing in her den like an emotional wreck, taking up a valuable warrior’s equally valuable time. What was it he’d said… skills Beechface could only envy? The world had changed, Beechface was barely walking, and Henpaw sat in her den like a sleep-deprived owl. Fawnstep couldn’t be proud. No one could be proud of her progress, or lack thereof. She sure wasn’t. Ashfall’s next few sentences did little to drag the calico out of the hole she’d dug herself into, but they were well-meant.

With a deep breath and claws sunk into the stone she managed to stop the sobs from returning, full-force. The tears still came, but at least she’d managed to stop a flood of them. “W-we had an argument,” she wailed. “Timber- Timberpaw was m-mad at me! All I was doing was trying to protect him… he said I was hurting him…” She despised herself right now. She was supposed to tell other cats how to navigate their emotional crises, and here she was avoiding her brother like a hypocrite. “I don’t w-want to talk about it…” she couldn’t help the sobs now. They’d always been close. Even after Tawnyflare and Fawnstep, she’d always trusted him. Explicitly. There had been no other cat she’d trusted more… then he’d accused her of not trusting him! And he the only cat she’d trust with her life! Well… not anymore… it was like being tied together with one string, and when that string broke…

She fell apart.

Ashfall listened quietly, wanting to kick herself for asking. It was necessary though, she thought. If Henpaw was able to talk about it, maybe she would feel better. She wouldn't push though, that would just be unkind. Her trouble actually reminded her of Ryesnap and herself, though he'd never gotten angry at her for trying to protect him. He would though, he was that kind of cat. "We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. I do want you to know though that while protecting him is one thing, just make sure that you aren't treating him like he cannot protect himself. I'm sure he is plenty capable, even if you want to prevent him from getting hurt, you can't stop it forever." That tired feeling that seemed to always dog Ashfall felt like it was increasing, not due to Henpaw, but just due to how she could envision this happening to herself and Ryesnap.

With a gentle sigh, she looked directly at Henpaw. "Listen, you look exhausted. Rest. I know well the feeling of 'if I stay awake, I can do more'... well you can't. It just makes things worse. I don't know anything about medicine, but I do know that I should get you up if anyone looks like they're dying. And don't worry, I'm sure Timberpaw will come around soon, he probably just needs time. So sleep, and I can take you out herb hunting later if you want company. The likelihood of someone getting injured either in the early morning, or late at night, are low, so if you want to go when it's extremely unlikely someone would need help, go then." Ashfall listed out her ideas, what probably needed to be done. She was no good at comforting, but she did know from her own experiences that sleep tended toward helping... except for nights when dreams were too much, those weren't good nights for sleeping. "I just want you to know that you aren't alone Henpaw. You can always get me if you need something."

Henpaw was beginning to remind Ashfall of herself, at least in the circumstances she had been given. She too had lost a parent to their own selfishness. The way she bottled her feelings. The weight on her shoulders to do something about the situations she'd been unfairly given. She hated to see another cat going through the things that she never wanted to see anyone else go through.

Henpaw’s sobs were starting to slow. She blinked away tears, suddenly exhausted. She wished she wasn’t so tired… there were things to be done… places to be go… cats to be meet… she wasn’t thinking straight, was she? Rest. The one word penetrated her blurry, muddled thoughts. Herb patrol… later… with Ashfall? That sounded nice… it was unlikely anyone would be injured early or late… but it also was unlikely that WindClan’s finest warrior would be taken down by a lone rogue on the one time he went out alone. “Thank you Ashfall…” she sniffled, eyelids drooping. She was tired… wasn’t she? She felt better now… maybe she could get some sleep… she could rely on Ashfall to wake her if anything happened… she was lucky to have her, wasn’t she? She’d have to talk to her brother… Ashfall had good advice…

Ashfall gently removed her tail from Henpaw's shoulders and nudged her in the direction of her nest. "I'll be back later to get you up, don't worry about sleeping too late or anything." Picking up her off-paw, she quietly made her way out of the Medicine Den, doing her best to not step on anything important. While she was worried about Henpaw, she also knew that Henpaw was strong. She'd be alright, there was just too much for her young shoulders right now. She would help her though, Ashfall made that silent promise as she sat near the fresh-kill pile. Henpaw needed guidance, someone to take care of her, because she had lost everyone who would. She would do that for her. This gave her an idea, she needed to speak to Timberpaw. He was likely going through much of the same thing, perhaps she could help him too.