Nightmare (Closed)

OOC: This directly follows the topic Lost Sparks.

Shira left camp.  She couldn't be around anyone else right now.  She needed to be by herself, away from everyone.  She needed to think and cry and guilt herself with no one else around to say anything to her.  She new that she should have stayed with her kits, but she really wasn't thinking.  She could help comfort her kits later, when she wouldn't be sobbing herself.  She thought that would just make everything worse and that she should clear her head before saying anything.

She didn't go too far out.  She ran, trying to go as far as she could, but her eyes were clouded with tears so she couldn't see.  She stopped herself on one of the few drier pieces of land in Shadowclan territory.  She fell to the ground, turning into a C shape.  Her breaths were fast.

"I'm sorry, Spark!"  She said as if he could still hear her.  "I shouldn't have blamed you for anything.  I love Shadowclan.  You were right, it's amazing."  She stopped to take a few more breaths.  "But you can't be gone.  What... what am I going to do without you?  Before you were my mate I could easily remember a life without you, now I can't!  You made me a better cat.  I didn't deserve you.  I didn't at all.  You were such a light in this horrible world.  You made me feel like someone was here with me when I felt alone.  You can't be dead!"

She thought again about how this could just be a nightmare.  She had fallen asleep and now she was just in a dream.  It just had to be a very realistic nightmare, coming because of her great fear of being alone.  She had pushed everyone away all of her life because she didn't want for them to leave, Spark had been one of the few that cared enough to break down her walls.

She looked up and saw a bush of thorns.  She tore one of the branches down and set it in front of her.  She jammed her paws into the thorns.  She clearly felt the shooting pain in her paw, but didn't care about that.  What she did care about was what it meant.  This wasn't a dream.  He was dead.  And there was nothing she could do.

"No, no, no.  This isn't real, this isn't real.  He can't be dead."  She tried to convince herself of that, but deep down she knew the truth.  She stayed laying down and quietly sobbing, with her head buried in her paws.  "What am I going to do?" She whispered.  He was the only one who seemed to care to be there for her.  If she could trade her life for his, she would do it in a heartbeat.

(rolling in case there's rogues)

The member 'Little Ripped' has done the following action : Dices roll

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'Hunting Dice' : 4

Webshadow's race into ShadowClan territory was unsteady, tripping over himself in his haste. The thought of losing Shira so soon after Foxspark... it terrified him. He had no idea what he would do if rogues got to her first. He hadn't even cared to pay attention to the imprints of paws left in the mud, letting his heart steer him as he searched for her.

"Shira? M-mom?" His voice was shaky, rough with swallowed sobs, but he called out for her nonetheless. If he called, she would come– she had to. She had to, right? Shaking his head, he swallowed around the bile rising in his throat and slowed to a jog, looking this way and that as if she would materialize next to him.

Instead of ferns parting to reveal she was right at his side, a voice carried through the still night. Ears pricked, Webshadow jerked to the right, sharply changing course. He had to find her. He had to find her.

"Mom?" He tried again, and just as he felt the wet earth give way to something more soft and firm, her figure came into view. For a moment, the tom just lingered there, unmoving and watching. He should've been bolting to be right at her side, and yet...

The sight of her crying made him feel like something had buried its claws right in his chest. A dog, maybe. Big and heavy and blunt. Tears rose in his eyes, and though he tried to shake them away, they persisted. Soon enough, he could feel them running down his cheeks, wetting his fur and making him sniff. He refused to cry in front of her; she would need him to be strong more than he would need to mourn.

One step at a time, Webshadow padded over to her until he could gently press his head against her shoulder and nose her away from the coil of thorns. "I... I'm sorry," he started weakly, ears drooping. It was a fight to keep his words from turning into sobs, but he managed to get away with just distinct shakiness. "I don't– uhm. I know I can't really, well... I can't do anything. But–" Webshadow hesitated, resting his chin against her back before speaking again, "–but... I'm sorry. It– we'll be okay, mom."

Shira lifted her head when she was able to hear her kits voice.  By this time, he was right next to her.  She fought back any more tears that could have come, trying to be strong for him.  She felt deep regret for leaving like she did.  He needed someone and she was his mother, so no matter how utterly broken she was, she felt the need to be strong for him.

Webshadow didn't deserve this.  None of them deserved this.

"N-no.  I'm sorry,"  she managed to choke out.  "I shouldn't have left like that."  She paused, looking forward, unable to look her kit in the eyes.  "But this isn't okay.  It hits to close to home for me.  Before I had you, I was with the Asylum as you know.  I... I almost killed someone.  I was so stupid and I beat them so they couldn't even walk.  If the medicine cat didn't come, he could've died.  In a way I feel like this is karma.  Like... this is my fault on so many levels.  I should have looked for him earlier.  I should have known something was wrong.  I could have done so much more than what I did."

She swallowed, still trying not to cry.  "But truly I know that I should have been the one to die.  He was so much better of a cat and parent than me.  He deserved more and so do you."  She buried her head in her paws once more, just trying to think.  This truly was her worst nightmare.

Listening quietly, Webshadow nodded now and again against her shoulders as Shira spoke. He closed his eyes, and he inhaled sharply to stop the sobs that threatened to come out. "It's okay that you left... I think I would've too," he started slowly. Every word was measured, space between them as he thought.

He was horribly out of depth here. What was he supposed to say? What was he supposed to do?

Pulling back, Webshadow lowered himself so he could be at eye level with her. "I don't– I don't think it was karma or anything. You couldn't have known this would happen, especially not... not back then." He paused again as she lamented the fact it should have been her and threw herself down into her paws.

"Mom, no, it– it isn't your fault, I promise." Webshadow's words were hurried as he crouched down to push against Shira's shoulder. "You're a good cat, and a good mom, and– and– and what you did then doesn't make you bad, it just... It shouldn't have been you. I'm sorry." He closed his eyes, letting his tears run freely now. It was hard to believe Foxspark was gone... it was hard to believe he was watching his mother cry.

"It's okay," he whispered, over and over, like he was trying to convince himself more than her. "I'll... I'll miss him too, but you're not a bad cat, and you're going to be okay, and... I love you, mom, and I'm sorry about everything. You're– you're enough." It felt like he was rambling, filling empty air with empty promises. Webshadow sighed, shuddering, swallowing around the ache in his chest and hoping he would open his eyes soon to a new day, where none of this had ever happened.

Shira lifted her head around half way through him speaking.  She wasn't about to talk over him, especially not now.  She observed that he was trying to make her feel better, which shouldn't have been happening.  She hated emotions.  She hated how useless and empty she felt when they would come out.  She often liked to try to replace her emotions with anger, but she couldn't think of any way how at the moment.  She didn't want the tears or the sadness or the emptiness, she just wanted it all to go away.

"You're enough."

When Shira heard those words, some more tears that she was trying to desperately to hold back came.  Some of the reason was that she was happy to hear her kit say that.  Another reason was that she had always wanted to be enough.  And then the final reason was that she never, and still even then, didn't think that she was enough.

She tried to pull herself together a little more and it succeeded to a certain extent.  The water stopped falling from her eyes as much, but you could still see the sadness covering her face.  She went to put her tail on his back to try to comfort him, flinched away for a minute, but ultimately decided to do it.

"I love you, too," she said.  "I'm so sorry you have to see me like this."  Every muscle in her body was still tense.  She looked at Webshadow, realizing how much like Spark he was.  She was happy for that.  It was definitely easier to raise someone a little more like Spark than like her.  "I'm so proud of the thoughtful and amazing warrior you've become... and I know you're father is too."

She couldn't remember if she had ever worked up the courage to tell him that before, since she had never been one to get sentimental before, but it was the truth.  "And you're right, it's going to be okay.  I know it will."  The sudden change in her mood was because of the realization that her kit shouldn't have to be strong for her, it should work the other way around.

Still, she lifted her head up to the night sky for a moment.  How could you do this to me Spark?  How could you do this to our family?  We still need you.  You have always meant everything to me... I should have told you that when I got the chance.