Out of the Box [C]

Adjusting to medicine cat life had been easy for Cloverpaw so far. As much as she had enjoyed training under Ivystar, she felt much better at this, and Dennis had reminded her of her talent plenty of times. Her new den was far less crowded, too, though she was sorely missing having Yarrowpaw next to her.

Yarrowpaw.. it had been a while since she had spent any real time with him. After a morning of sorting through the den, Dennis had asked her to fetch some of the basic ones she was sure to knew, and her best friend would make good company.

Though she felt a bit out of place being sent out of camp without an older cat with her, it wouldn't be her first time out on her own. And besides, she had permission, and she had no intentions of running as far as the gorge– not this time, at least. She would have to tell Yarrowpas about Tarot, too, maybe even get them to meet some day. Those were thoughts for some other time, though. Scanning the camp clearing, she spotted his familiar pelt and trotted over to where he sat, pausing in front of him to give him a gentle bump on the chest.

"Hi, Yarrowpaw," she purred when she had his attention. "Do you want to come to the river with me? We've got a lot to talk about!" She hoped he wasn't busy and that he would agree. The weather was perfect for a quick run outside, and she was ecstatic to spend time with him.

Yarrowpaw loved his apprenticeship- craved it, even; the hard work, the sweat, the blood and tears, everything- yet he still longed for a time when he could lounge without care with his best friend… who he hadn’t spent time with in ages.

Oh, Cloverpaw.

He was so so proud of Cloverpaw, everything she accomplished, everything she’s done for him and for their clan. She deserved her spot as medicine cat, she truly did, but yet Yarrowpaw’s heart was full with the desire to be able to spend time with her- just a little, he’s not one to be greedy- and be able to pretend they were just little kits again, playing without a care in the world. Oh, how Yarrowpaw longed to see his friend again.

So, at Cloverpaw’s proposal, Yarrowpaw nodded his head viciously, almost knocking it off with the force. Jumping to his feet, he happily followed the white and ginger cat out of camp

Cloverpaw grinned wider when Yarrowpaw readily agreed, beaming as she turned to hurry them out of camp. It took everything in her to keep her paws from breaking into an all-out sprint– instead, she settled for a comfortable jog alongside Yarrowpaw. Bumping his shoulder, she turned to her friend and stuck her tongue out before picking up the pace to hurry a little ways ahead.

It felt... weird to her that it was just the two of them leaving camp, and even weirder still that she was the one leading them. They were right about the same age, but still, Yarrowpaw seemed so much older than her. She knew he had to be close to his ceremony, and she felt so far behind him. With a shake, she reminded herself it was her new place in the Clan that let her go outside in the first place.

... Wait, outside!

As they neared the river, Cloverpaw suddenly rounded on her friend, eyes glittering with mischief and glee. "Yarrowpaw, guess. What." She didn't know why she had said guess– she was too impatient to wait for him to nod his head, let alone to filter through every right and wrong guess he made. "I met a rogue! He's my friend, his name is Tarot, and–" So much to say, so little processing power to say it. She fumbled over her words, forgetting the last half of her sentence amidst all her excitement. Briefly watching the grass flatten as she stamped it down, she quickly locked eyes with the tom again. "He told me about all his adventures, and what twolegplace is like, and one time he fought a dog! He gave me a rock too, it has a weird shape on it... Oh, I forgot to bring it though. I'll show you later!" She flashed a smile, laughing warmly as she slowly sat down.

Herb hunting had been forgotten, at least for the moment. There would be time for that later: for now, she was going to enjoy the sun with her dearest friend and catch up on everything they had missed about each other, especially since she had moved away from the warrior apprentices.

Yarrowpaw listened to Cloverpaw’s monologue with hardly-contained joy. His short legs took three strides to meet Cloverpaw’s simple walk, but he had no complaints when he was with his friend. He loved spending time with the white and orange molly, and was overjoyed when she finally found time away from her new duties Bumping her back, he trotted behind her.

Yarrowpaw liked Cloverpaw a lot, could even say he loved her, but they were beginning to feel.. different. Less like best friends, more like acquaintances. Ever since Cloverpaw had picked up her new duties as medicine cat, things fell out of balance, became something new. Something Yarrowpaw wasn’t sure he liked. He was so close to becoming a warrior, he really was, but Cloverpaw was now so.. behind. In a lot of ways.

It upset him.

Yarrowpaw loved to listen to Cloverpaw talk. He hoped that maybe he could listen to her talk forever, sometimes, or that he could accompany her on her meetings; Tarot sounded interesting, and so did everything else she got into. He just wished they weren’t on such separate levels now.

Cloverpaw tended to ramble when she talked. She could just go on and on sometimes, could probably chatter on for a moon or longer without stopping. Most of the time, she didn't pay much attention to the cats around her when she got to talking like that. But...

Well, she was always different with Yarrowpaw. Better, maybe.

As her last anecdote trailed off, her smile faded, and she gave him a worried look. He had never been as outgoing as she was, but he just seemed off today. Shifting closer, she pressed against his side and pushed her cheek into his head, purring into his fur. She didn't want him to look so sad when they were together– or ever, for that matter. "Hey. You look like you've got a lot on your mind," She said softly, pulling away to look at him. She had put on a smile again, kind and warm, but there was a sadness in her eyes. Had she done something to upset him? Was there anything she could do to make him feel better? She was going to worry herself sick trying to think of an answer on her own. In the effort of quieting her thoughts, she pushed her face into the fluff around Yarrowpaw's neck.

This way okay, too. Maybe today wasn't a good day for laughing and telling stories. It could just as easily be a good day for sitting quietly together. Whatever tone her best friend tried to set, she would try to match it.

Yarrowpaw began to open his mouth, say some excuse, maybe, but decided against it. Yarrowpaw needed to get this off of his chest, tell her how he really feels. He’s never felt this way about anyone else before he’s met Cloverpaw, or since. He needs her in his life.

He needs her to stay with him forever. She’s his translator, anyway. The only one who understands him.

No one else gets him like she does.

Yarrowpaw breaks away from Cloverpaw’s embrace, giving out a sigh he doesn’t know he gave. She must think he’s upset with her- she always thinks that when a cat is moody. She’s so sensitive, so outgoing, so friendly- she’s nothing like withdrawn, quiet Yarrowpaw. She’s his other half, the one who understands him when he’s trying to talk, the one who understands that he doesn’t really want to be alone. The one who will give anything for him, just like Yarrowpaw would for her. He shakes his head, getting ready, preparing for the best and the worst and everything in between. The distance is gut-wrenching, at least to him, and the worry in his friends eyes only makes it worse.

“I need to tell you something.” He mouths simply, giving himself an out. If he gets cold feet, he can just lie and say something else, something less dangerous. What do you think about Dennis? Something like that.

When Yarrowpaw withdrew, Cloverpaw had to quickly check herself to keep from recoiling at the loss of contact. Maybe all the buzzing in her head had a bit of truth to it. Maybe she had done something wrong. She was scrambling to think of what, but nothing came to mind and her stomach was already starting to turn. She couldn't afford to lose him, not when he'd been her best friend their whole lives, not when everything else in her life had just changed so drastically.

She met his eyes, searching for anything in his face that might betray his next words. Nothing. For once, she felt lost with him.

"Of course, anything." Her voice was quiet, strained. Hopefully she didn't look as worried as she felt, but the restless waving of her tail and lowered ears proved otherwise. What if he wanted to leave, never see her again? What if he didn't want her in his life anymore? What if, what if, what if. Yarrowpaw had never looked at her so seriously before... her chest felt tight. Was she forgetting to breathe?

Cloverpaw shuffled her paws, about to move back closer to him, but quickly thought better of it. He had put the distance there, and as much as she thought leaning against him would make this conversation more bearable, she would respect the space between them.

For once in his life, Yarrowpaw appreciated the distance. While it physically pained him to be away from Cloverpaw, he had to give himself somewhere to go, somewhere to run if Cloverpaw yells at him, tells him off- will she? He's not supposed to feel this way towards a medicine cat, and Cloverpaw is bound by code to not return his feelings, or act on them. the white and ginger cat was such an upstanding apprentice, so loyal to her code, she would never return Yarrowpaw's feelings. But he has to tell her. He can't keep hiding it anymore.

He loved her. Truly, unconditionally loved her.

"Cloverpaw, I.." He mouthed, trailing off. Taking in a sharp breath, Yarrowpaw continued. It's now or never.

"Cloverpaw, I like you. You complete me. I know you can't like me back, but I just wanted to say.. I like you." Yarrowpaw moved his gaze from the worried medicine cat to the soft grass beneath his feet. She was going to deny him, tell him he's a code-breaker. She's never going to spend time with him again-

I must be getting old fast. My eyes must not work anymore. Denial was a good first step, right? There was no way that's actually what Yarrowpaw had said to her. She really couldn't fathom it– he... liked her?

The anger almost came next, but it was quickly tamped down before it could make its ugly appearance. She couldn't imagine being mad at him, not in this situation or ever. Her anger would be cruel and unjust, and she couldn't bear to think how hurt he would look if she raged at him. Instead she took a deep breath, steadying herself before she had a chance to spit anything she didn't mean.

"Yarrowpaw, I–" What was she even going to say? It felt like every word she knew had left her as she tried to finish her sentence. What was there to say, except no? She was a medicine cat now, and she had swore to never take a mate, to devote herself in her entirety to caring for her Clan, a vow she had been more than willing to take. Had been. Looking at him, she... she didn't know anymore. She had never given it proper thought, how she felt about him, but he was everything to her. There may as well be nothing if he wasn't in her life.

It didn't matter. She already knew what her answer had to be. Short, simple. No, we can't do this, can we still be friends? That's all she had to say. Crouching so she could meet his lowered gaze, she mewed, "I wouldn't be who I am without you, Yarrowpaw." What was this? Where had she gotten the idea to be all sappy from? "I... I think I feel the same. I really do. I'm not just saying that." Cloverpaw's head was screaming as her heart took over, stripping every collected, decent response she had come up with her tongue. "But... I am a medicine cat now." It hurt to say, to come to terms with. If only he'd told her sooner, they could've figured something out.

Her thoughts flickered briefly to Tarot, about how he'd told her so much about the world, had shared his thoughts on the Clan's self-imposed limitations. She had been bewildered by it then, but...

Maybe he was right.

She mumbled something apologetic as she shifted closer to Yarrowpaw, almost afraid to touch him but still wanting to be near. "Nevermind that. I think... I think we can make this work." She offered a smile, warm and gentle, but it didn't quite reach her eyes. She couldn't shake the nerves that engulfed her, even as a rush of excitement tried to beat them down. "Anything for us, right?"

Yarrowpaw was stunned into silence. She had to be lying, pulling his leg- she, Cloverpaw, couldn't be serious about breaking the code. That was so unlike her, so unlike everything she had built up for herself- why was she tearing them down?

Was it really just for him?

Why did her smile not reach her eyes? Yarrowpaw felt a pain in his heart, a pain he didn't expect to feel at a reciprocation. We'll make it work. They'll have to hide their relationships from others, from the closest people in their lives; mentors, friends, family, leaders- Stars, what would Ivystar think? She was sure to punish them.

Or Cloverpaw. Yarrowpaw doesn't plan on sticking around much longer.

Oh. He hasn't told Cloverpaw. That's what he wanted to do today, not confess his undying love- he wanted to tell her he's planning on leaving, following his mother to WindClan, where he belongs. Plans on leaving Cloverpaw behind.

Suddenly Yarrowpaw felt very angry towards himself. How dare he leave her when she had just reciprocated his feelings! She reveals she loves him just as much as he loves her. Did she really deserve to be left without a second glance? Cloverpaw was his best friend, his better half- everything to him. He had to tell her, work this out, so they can be together.

Yarrowpaw moved at once, burrowing his face into Cloverpaw's chest, tucking his head under her neck. A silent I love you.

He loves her. So much.

"I'm moving to WindClan."

"Wait, what?" This time Cloverpaw couldn't hide the anger that bled into her voice, the way it felt hot under her pelt. At the very least, she managed to keep her claws sheathed, no matter how badly she wanted to dig them into the soft earth. Instead she let Yarrowpaw push against her, taking a moment to collect herself. She focused her gaze on some distant spot, anything to keep her head from spinning.

Okay, so she had agreed to break the medicine cat's code for Yarrowpaw's sake, and now he's moving Clans too?

It was her turn to separate them, peeling away to look at him with a stunned, hurt expression. She wanted to spit at him for the position he put her in, for not telling her sooner, wanted to shout about how he knew how much the code meant to her and he was already pushing his luck by saying anything in the first place, and–

She needed to steady herself. It wasn't like he'd planned this, done this on purpose to push her past her limits. Whoever was looking down on her from StarClan must have thought this was some hilarious prank to pull, steering her into the medicine den and then throwing all this in her face.

Oh well. She'd already said they could work this out, so she had to think of something. Of what, though? She gritted her teeth, trying to swallow down the heated frustration that bubbled in her throat. Cloverpaw fixed him with a hard stare, searching for anything in his expression that might say he was joking. "Tell me you're kidding." The words had more bite, and her tail had started to lash. "Yarrowpaw, why? What's there for you?" She spat out the word 'there,' eyes narrowing at the thought of Yarrowpaw leaving. At least they shared a border, but... She couldn't decide what she felt. A knot of nausea coiled in her stomach, throat hot with anger, and fear made the fur along her spine bristle. She had no idea what she'd gotten into, but she was already committed to it– there was no backing out now, even if every rational part of her begged her to.

"What's there for me?! My mother is there!" Anger rises in Yarrowpaw just as it did in Cloverpaw, hot and bubbling to the surface like a river on fire, heated under the harsh sun. Cloverpaw has no business questioning him and his reasons, especially for something so major as clanhopping. Did she not trust him? Trust his decisions, trust his sense of what was good for him? WindClan is where Yarrowpaw needs to be. That's all Cloverpaw needs to know. "My mother and family are there. We met last moon- she invited me to WindClan to be with her. When the time comes, I'm leaving." There was no room for argument in his stare.

"I want you to stay with me when I move clans. We can stay together- I'll visit you every night. Every moment I can, I promise, Cloverpaw."

Her distance stung like nothing he's felt before- tearing himself away was one thing, but Cloverpaw distancing herself with that awful, heart-wrenching sadness and anger bleeding out in her expression tore him up inside. He wished she could just understand, understand his pain, why he wants to leave RiverClan, why he wants to be with his mother so badly.

She saw a greatness in him few had seen in RiverClan. He hoped the rest of WindClan would follow in her footsteps.

He tolerated living in RiverClan. He never loved it, like he loved spending time with Cloverpaw or his mother- adopted mother. She never was and never will be his mother. RiverClan treated Yarrowpaw poorly, like he was a defect, like he would never make it to warriorhood. Only a few, like Dewlight and the cat standing in front of him saw a purpose in his life. But Tawnyflare had seen in it seconds, made it known that she saw. She made him feel important, like his life was worth living, like she was wrong about leaving him to rot-

She left him to rot. Like he was nothing. Out in that cold, cold winter, where he was found by Ivystar. His savior.

But she took it all back when she saw him again. He managed to show Tawnyflare, the cat who threw him away like nothing, that he was worth saving. That he had fire in him just like she did. And for that, Yarrowpaw was willing to gamble a life in WindClan. To get to know his mother better, her family better. His family.

Show her he had a purpose even more. Prove it to her beyond that night at the Gorge.

"Please just trust me on this. I want to be with you, Cloverpaw. I truly do. But I want to be with my mother also. Please just stay with me."

Cloverpaw's ears flattened at Yarrowpaw's words, the shock on her face only growing. His– his mother? She wanted to be angrier still, hackles raising at his own rage. It wasn't like he'd told her that, how was she supposed to know! She wasn't the cat to take Clanhopping lightly. It wasn't wrong of her to be upset when he announced he was leaving.

Wait–

Yarrowpaw hadn't told her that. How many moons had he known? How long had he been holding on to that secret, plotting his escape from RiverClan? Was he ever going to tell her, or would he have just disappeared into the night, whisked away by his mother? And... and what else wasn't he telling her?

That familiar feeling of anxiety she always seemed to carry came back in a wave, washing out any of the lingering rage. She didn't want to think too hard about it, about why Yarrowpaw hadn't told her. Maybe he'd only seen her a couple sunrises ago, that was probably it. Or maybe he'd known since the start of their apprenticeship and hadn't told a soul. That thought sent a hot flash of bitterness through her, but it couldn't win out against her nerves.

She would have time to think over every possible reason Yarrowpaw never said a word when she was trying to sleep. For now, she had questions. The weight of time suddenly felt very heavy on her shoulders.

Cloverpaw shuffled her paws, green eyes softening as she looked Yarrowpaw over. Sighing, she started, "Of course I trust you, and of course I'll stay with you. But... I hope you get why I was upset." Was. The feeling hadn't gone away entirely, but it was easier to quiet for now. She looked down, watching the way she'd be unconsciously stirring the grass, before raising her head with a smile. "Soooo... who is she?" She wanted to be happy for him, really, she did. He'd found his mother, and maybe WindClan was a place where he would finally feel at peace with himself. She was happy for him, but the hurt remained. She would just have to get used to those feelings pushing against each other. "Do you know anyone else there? Have you been on their territory at all? Did you like it?"

Her heart twisted. She didn't want him to leave, clearly, but he would probably like it there. She butted her head against his shoulder, content to just push against him. He would be happy there, and she could learn to live with the distance, with everything about this being so, so wrong. For him, she could figure it out. Anything for his sake.