For Now, You're Here With Me [C]

Webpaw had woke up early, the cool purple of twilight just starting to overtake the warm sunset. He had had odd dreams that night, filled with the sounds of water, the strange feeling of watching himself dive into the river, disappearing into the water where he couldn't see.

Maybe it was time to talk to his parents then.

He spent a good time deliberating and peering at the warriors' den. What would he say to them? He wasn't good with words. He'd noticed a lot of cats thought he could be rude, and he didn't want those scolding-mother disappointed-dad looks. The stars had just started to appear when he saw the pair of familiar pelts emerge, and he left himself no more time to think as his paws carried him over to them.

"Hi." His mew was curt, but he was smiling. Purring softly, he pressed his head against Shira's shoulder, then Foxspark's. "Do you guys want to take me on patrol? I kind of–" his voice fell and he scuffed the earth before continuing– "I really need to talk to you both." His tail was twitching, impatience evident. They could just.. say no, really. He gave the entrance to camp a restless glance before turning back to his parents with a slightly forced smile.

Shira eyes opened up as she lay in her nest.  She convinced herself that she should get up.  She rolled over and got up on her paws, yawning.  Her vision was blurred from her newly awake state.  She stretched.  She wobbled over to Foxspark.  "Good morn-" she stopped herself from saying what she used to say, and instead corrected herself to saying it the Shadowclan way.  "Evening, Foxspark."

She slowly strode out of the den and prepared for what the new day had in store.  She looked up at the night sky, with Foxspark by her side.  Her head turned when she heard a familiar voice speak to her.  "Hello, Webpaw," she said slightly smiling.  She curled her tail around her kit as he leaned against her shoulder.  She gave a kind motherly look as he sat between them.

Webpaw said something about going on a patrol, which Shira was very much okay with doing, but then she noticed his voice drop as he continued to speak, saying something about needing to talk to them.  Immediately, she stiffened.  This couldn't be good, with the very serious tone in his voice.  Shira's smile vanished and her face got serious.  She looked at Foxspark with a confused and concerned look, wondering if he knew anything about this.  "Sure," she said quickly in with not much emotion.  "Let's go."  She got to her paws, immediately awake.  "Now Webpaw, what do you want to talk to us about?"

Foxspark quickly got up once he was nudged. Noticing his son and his mate awake, he gave the two of them a slight smile. Really, he couldn't imagine leaving them now. The moment where he thought to almost walk away from everything... it made him shudder. It was a mistake trying to do that, and forcing Shira to follow him. He really didn't expect that, but he should have known. It made him feel absolutely terrible, the guilt of everything compounding on themselves and making him feel weak under the weight. But he tried to keep it aside for now, as this wasn't important to what was going on right now.

"I really need to talk to you both."

...Maybe it actually was. Perhaps he would have to explain that it was all because of his selfish desires. After all, what happened with Flashlight paled in comparison to what he had to deal with since then. He just needed to let Shira know that he wanted to leave and plan with her. He just needed to let Shira know that he wanted to leave and plan with her. He just needed to let Shira know that he wanted to leave and plan with her. But he didn't, and this mess was made. And it was all. His. Fault. At least he was able to keep his face from expressing the guilt, the fear, the horrendous cascade of emotions that he was feeling. He hated it, hated it, hated it. But he could never escape it. After all, his actions had consequences, and he had to live with them.

It didn't mean that he couldn't hate the fact that he made those decisions.

As the three of them padded out into the marshes, Webpaw found himself moving a little faster than the other two until he set a steady clip and ended up ahead of them. He wasn't sure where, exactly, he was planning to go, but he wanted to get as far away from camp as he could.

At least, as far as he could before the marsh got too deep.

Coming upon a dry patch of land, he finally slowed down before relaxing into a halt. He hadn't thought of how to say any of this, so he heaved a breath and decided to figure things out on the fly.

"Why did you leave RiverClan?" His words were quick as he turned around to face them both. "I mean– they weren't so bad, right? What was here in ShadowClan for you? Were you chased out? Did you have family here? Did–" Everything came spilling out at once as he cut himself off, not sure what question he was planning to ask next. His face screwed up as he thought, and he did a good bit of shuffling his paws and looking at the sky before meeting their eyes again.

"Why didn't you stay? I like ShadowClan a lot, I really do, it's my home... but I think I would have liked it there." He slowly sat down, curling his tail over his paws to keep himself from fidgeting. A part of him hated the restless way he moved, always twitching or shaking a limb, especially during a conversation like these. He couldn't stop the occassional flit of his ear, though.

Keeping his attention firmly focused on the ground, he went on, "I think I have too many questions... I'm sorry. But I– I really want to know."

Shira followed Webpaw as he made his way into the forest.  She had no idea where he was going, but they seemed pretty far out.  Certainly, the long wait didn't ease her worries of what her kit was going to talk to them about.  Her stomach slightly hurt with each pawstep as she prepared herself for the worst.  The marsh started getting deeper and Shira was thankful that Webpaw stopped somewhere that was dry.

Then, he turned around and started to speak.  It was not the worst thing he could have said, but it definitely was still an uncomfortable topic.  Some tension started to rise.  His questions kept going and going and she didn't know when it was right to respond.  He apologized for his questions, and even though this topic aggravated Shira, it was in no way unfair questions.

"Um, well, as you have heard, me and your father were stolen... or, um, were brought into be part of the Asylum before you were born."  She said before Foxspark could say anything.  For most cats, Shira didn't really care what they heard or what their opinions were about her and Foxspark, but for her own kits it was very important to her.  So, she really didn't want them to hear something like 'I threatened to leave both you and your mother' from Foxspark.  Not that she was sure he would say that, but just in case.

"Your father was told to go here and spent a lot of time in Shadowclan.  He ended up coming with me to Riverclan, but, um, he liked it here and I, um, agreed."  It wasn't a lie... she did end up agreeing, Webpaw just didn't need to know why she ended up agreeing.  "So, we came here because of that.  So, I guess you could say that I had family here."  She gave Foxspark a look, followed by a smile that had no emotion behind it.  He owed her one, he really did.  Shira was still very salty about that night that he asked her, while knowing that she was very close to giving birth to his kits.

She continued to look at Foxspark a second more, before a question of her own came into her mind.  Immediately, her head snapped back to looking at Webpaw with a confused look.  "Wait... why do you ask?"

Foxspark couldn't speak. He was petrified at Webpaw's question, just because he knew that the truth would have to be revealed now. And the truth was painful. He needed to speak, but his mouth refused to move. Stars, how was he going to deal with this? Thankfully, Shira spoke for him, sugarcoating the entire thing. Sugarcoat it. Of course. How didn't I think of that? Perhaps it was just because he had been silently panicking the entire time instead of creating a good way to say something. Giving a solemn nod to Shira, he turned back to Webpaw. Why did he ask, anyways? Was it just curiosity, or was it something else? The ginger tom didn't know, and he wanted to find out as much as his mate did.

Though he hadn't known what to expect, the answer he'd been given left Webpaw feeling largely dissatisfied. He could accept it, because there was nothing else to accept, but a strange feeling sat deep in his chest, and Shira's question only made it feel heavier.

Rising to his paws and taking a few steps forward, he squeezed himself between his parents, pushing against each of them in turn. Why did he want to know? It had been weighing on him for a few moons now, and with the dreams he'd been having, he just couldn't shake it. Every part of his mind was occupied by thoughts of the river.

"I think I want to go to RiverClan," he blurted out, eyes closing as he pushed his head against Foxspark's flank. "Not– I'm sorry. I don't want to move there. I just..." He heaved a sigh. Suddenly, he felt very tired. Pulling back a few steps to look at them again, he found he couldn't hold their gaze for long before he had to hang his head. "I just wanted to know. And... I want to see it, someday. I want to know what it's like."

Shira waited for webpaw to tell them what was going on.  She got more and more curious with each passing moment, but still unsure if she wanted to hear the answer.  She watched him closely, until he gave her the answer.

"I think I want to go to Riverclan."

Immediately, she felt like her worst fears were coming to pass.  Not only would she have been semi forced to leave Riverclan, but her own kit was moving back there.  She flinched away when he said this, but did nothing more. Then, he started speaking again and Shira gave a sigh of relief when Webpaw said that he did not want to move there, he just wanted to see it.  Then, Shira started to have an idea.

"I can take you there," she blurted, not thinking about talking to Foxspark before she promised her kit this.  "My mother is the clan leader, I'm sure she won't mind meeting her grandkit.  And I want to see her again anyway."  Then she thought, and I should give her some clarity as to why I left.  It was unfair to her to just leave without saying anything.  Then, she looked at Foxspark.  She was unsure if her would be welcomed, but maybe they could all try to go.  "Maybe you should go to, Foxspark.  I'm sure my mom would love to see you," she said sarcastically and waited for him to respond.