Let's Get Real ['Solo']

“Momma! Do you- Do you wanna go out on a patrol with me?”

Hayglow blinked as she looked from what remained of her meal, finding her son standing only a tail-length away. His tail flickered back and forth at a rapid pace, never seemingly remaining still for more than a few heartbeats as he waited patiently for an answer. She held back a heavy sigh, a slight nervousness at the idea of going out. She...She hadn’t really left camp since that night.

But...She...Suppose she wasn’t a queen anymore. Her attempt to escape from her warrior duties had come to an end when Muddypaw and Sunnypaw were named apprentices and she was expected to pick back up her duties. She swallowed, before she took in a deep breath and gave her son a small smile. “Of course, Muddypaw,” she meowed as she pushed away the remains of the rabbit she had been eating and got to her paws.


Muddypaw’s eyes widen, truthfully not having been fully expecting is momma to agree. It wasn’t hard to see that she was still sad or...Well, not herself. He had gotten a few comments of his energy being like what his mother once had but the fact that he didn’t see it...Well, it concerned him, to be honest. When he was a kit, he didn't understand his mother’s...Well, whatever it was that seemed to weigh her down. He didn’t know how to put words to, even as an apprentice but now,...Now he was open to learn.

He turned, charging out of the camp only to pause to wait for Hayglow to catch up. His tail lashed back and forth in excitement and energy, and perhaps a little nervousness - he didn’t know how he was going to start asking questions but he couldn’t stand to see his momma like this, mostly when he kept hearing ideas of what she used to be like before...Before something happened.

As the two headed out across the moor, Muddypaw lifted his head to stare at the clear sky above as he tried to figure out where to even start. Was it...Rude to ask questions like he wanted? Maybe he should have been upfront with Hayglow but he had to hope that maybe...Maybe she would be more willing to talk to him if it was just them. Hm...Maybe it would have helped to have Sunnypaw here but it felt too late to go try to track down his sister.

“Momma...I…” he tried to start, only to drift off with a wince as no good words were coming to his head. His eyes shifted back and forth as if the words to whatever question he was hoping to ask would spring forth before he finally sighed, coming to a stop as he turned to look at Hayglow. “Why are you sad all the time?”


Hayglow had slowed as Muddypaw had started to try to ask something, before coming to an halt as the words - a question - left his mouth. Why was she sad? A nervous laugh escaped her, ears slicking back as she turned to look at him. “W-What? I’m not…” she started to defend herself but cut off when she saw her son’s expression, ears flicked back and a soft frown tugging at his face. He was… “I’m...I’m not sad,” she murmured, a little unsure if she believed it herself.


“Well you are...You are something!” he squeaked, spreading out his paws as he leaned forward, tail lashing. “I-I hear so many times that I am just like you - or that...I-I’m just like you were. You never wanted to play, you barely smiled other than when Sunnypaw and I would try so hard to make you happy and I…” he took in a deep breath, straightening up a little. “And I just want you to be happy, momma. So...W-Why aren’t you happy?”


Was it…? Hayglow's shocked expression fell quickly as she realized with shame that it was so obvious. Of course she wasn’t herself - and even if her kits hadn’t seen the old her...Their Clanmates did. She had even seen the same spark of life she had in her children and it had hurt to see - to be reminded of what she once was like. “It's...It's not something I want to talk about, sweetie,” she murmured, tearing her gaze away as she pawed at the ground. “Not to you. You don’t deserve to...To know what I’ve done.”


Muddypaw blinked, reeling back as his momma refused to tell him. She had done...Something? He blinked, fur prickling before he stomped his foot down. “But I wanna know! I wanna know how to make you happy, no matter what! I don’t...I don’t care what it is,” he responded, his voice falling low as he padded over and pressed himself against Hayglow’s chest, rubbing his head beneath her chin. “Momma...Momma, please. I just...I just wanna make you smile again.”


Hayglow stiffened under her son’s warm touch, expression cracking as she sat down and wrapped a paw around him, drawing him closer. “It's just...It's something terrible, Muddypaw. I don’t want you to look at my...Different. I can barely stand what I did, even when I know…” she drifted off, closing her eyes. No, she was just trying to push enough that he would give up but knowing him - knowing how she used to be...He wasn’t going to stop.

“...You like fighting, don’t you, dear?” she asked, her voice soft and cracking a little.


“Um...I-I guess?” he meowed, pressing his head against his mother's chest, listening to her steady but rapid heartbeat. “I like, uh, ‘play fighting’ but I haven’t really learned how to fight yet. B-But I’m sure that Amberfluff will teach me soon!” he added, raising his head to look up at her...Before catching a hint of her expression. “Did...Did what you do have to do with fighting…?”


“...Yes, sweetheart, it did,” she breathed, voice shaking as she looked down at him. She couldn’t believe that she was telling him this - she didn’t want to but...No, she supposed he deserved to know - to hear it from her. “...I never liked fighting. Before I was taken into WindClan, hurting another living thing had never crossed my mind. Even play fighting with my siblings, I didn’t…” she cut herself off to take in a deep breath. “One night I failed WindClan. We...We were attacked, ambushed. I was on watch and I didn’t...I didn’t notice them until it was too late. Cats...Cats died. And in an effort to make amends, I...I agreed to help put a stop to the cats who had taken over.”

She drifted off, closing her eyes as a shaky breath escaped her. “I was in over my head but I couldn’t back down - make more cats disappointed in me. I didn’t want to fight so I tried to take a path so I wouldn’t have to. But then…Your fa-Fawnstep was in danger. One of the bad cats was making an attack on him and in a moment of panic I...I threw myself in the way. And I was forced to fight...And forced to kill when I realized that she was trying to…”


Muddypaw blinked as something landed on his head - droplets. He looked up to see that tears were rolling down his momma’s face as he quickly pushed himself against her chin, doing his best to purr and calm her down as she kept speaking. “When I joined WindClan, I was horrified at the idea of eating prey - killing prey. It took time for me to come to terms with it but the idea of fighting - hurting - another cat. That was...And then I killed one. No matter how...Bad she was - i didn’t...I don’t…”

A long pause as tears kept falling. “I suppose I am sad because I still feel like I let WindClan down. Because I don’t...I don’t know if I can be a warrior.”

The young apprentice opened and closed his mouth, trying to wrap his head around his momma’s story. He knew...He knew killing cats was bad. Fighting wasn’t but killing… He didn’t see how his momma could have been startled by the idea of killing prey but he supposed he was just...Told that it was normal. Would he have thought it weird if he hadn’t? “...But you saved Fawnstep,” he finally meowed, raising a paw to wrap around his momma. “I don’t...I don’t think I fully understand but I don’t think you did anything bad. Like you said, you were...You were forced. You didn’t wanna fight, but you didn’t have a choice. I mean...I-I’m happy that you are still here. Cause I love you, momma. I think all of WindClan would say the same. We all love you.”


Hayglow had frozen as Muddypaw had wrapped a paw around her, listening as he tried to awkwardly provide comfort. She sat there, ridged and unmoving until the three words ‘I love you’ were spoken. Then, tears started to fall as she pulled her son into a hug, burying her muzzle into his shoulder.“But I...I can’t be a warrior. I don’t want to fight, I don’t want t-to kill. I can’t..” her breath was coming quick, rapid as her voice raised in pitch.


“But...But you don’t gotta kill. Only for...Self...Selfde…” Muddypaw frowned as he struggled to remember how to pronounce the word he had heard when told about the Warrior Code. “Only to keep others safe. I-I mean, you were a warrior before all of...T-that, weren’t you? I heard you were a warrior before Lilacstar became leader! So you have to have been a warrior for a long time, right?” he added in awe, eyes wide. “You didn’t...You didn’t have to fight or kill then, did ya?”


A soft awkward laugh escaped Hayglow, raising a paw to stop it as she blinked down at her son. “Muddypaw...Lilacstar...She hasn’t been leader for that long. Of course I was a warrior before…” she drifted off, suddenly seeing her son’s point. She...She didn’t have to fight back then - or at least, she never really made herself fight. She just kinda… Her gaze fell to her paws. ...What did she do back then? “...I...I wasn’t useful to my Clan back then anyways,” she added spitefully.


Muddypaw frowned, resting his chin on Hayglow’s chest as he stared up at her. “But you can...You can still hunt! Hunting is important, isn’t it?”he argued, ears slicking back as he fought to find some way for his momma to be useful. “And...And you can play with me! And you can make me and Sunnypaw happy and that...That is important as well! You gotta keep us safe. Like...Like you kept Fawnstep safe.”

“But I had to kill to keep him saf-!”

“Cause you didn’t have a choice!”

Muddypaw’s sudden retort silenced Hayglow as she drew back in surprise, eyes going wide as she stared down at her son. He glared back, tail thumping against the ground. “I-I heard about so many fights! Maybe if you…” he drifted off, trying to figure out how to work with the words he wanted to say. “...You said you didn’t like fighting. Did you even really know how to…?” he finally questioned. “I-I think I might like fighting, but not all of them have to end in a...A kill, right? You didn’t want to fight but maybe if you…” He scrunched up his nose, trying to figure out where he was even going with that. “...Maybe you could learn not to?”

“...Not to what, Muddypaw?”

“...Kill?”


There was a long silence as Hayglow tried to make sense of that. Learn not to kill? She...She dug her claws into the ground, before a shudder ran through her. Stars above, he...Did he actually have a point? She almost wanted to laugh, wondering how...Dappleshine hadn’t taught her much when it came to fighting by her own request - Hayglow had only wanted to know the basics to defend herself, nothing more.

She hadn’t known how to deal with a cat stronger than her. Killing had been… She hadn’t had a choice - cause she hadn’t known how to stop Lexine otherwise. “...Maybe you have a point, Muddypaw,” she murmured, looking down at her son.

He blinked up at her. “...Really?” he gasped, seemingly very surprised.

“I don’t know how to fight. How to defend myself. I hadn’t...I hadn’t been prepared to deal with that - with her.” She had been so careful since she had become a warrior before that point - she hadn’t tried to learn anything new. She had...She had been content with what she knew, despite knowing how terrible the world could be. “Maybe I just need to pick up where I left off. I still have things to learn.” She didn’t like the idea that she would still have to fight but if she didn’t have to kill then maybe...Maybe she could handle it a little better.

There was a pause. “Thank you.”


Muddypaw watched his momma, unable to make out her expression. “...Does this mean you are gonna be happy again?” he asked softly, shifting on his paws as his tail thumped against the ground. “That...That is all I wanted. I mean...I just wanna see you smile.”

“...I think so. Maybe not right away but this...I think I can find a way to be the old me again but be better.”

A laugh escaped Muddypaw as he pressed a paw against Hayglow’s chest, leaning back to meet her gaze. “Be better? Momma, you can’t do that. You are already perfect to me.”


Hayglow laughed - a true laugh as she smiled down at her son. “And you and your sister are perfect to me, Muddypaw,” she murmured as she drew him back into a cuddle. Finally, however, her expression fell into something neutral. “...Muddypaw, can I ask you to do something?”

“Hm? What is it, momma?”

“If you do end up like fighting...Can you promise me...Can you promise me that you will never fight somebody who doesn’t want to?” she asked, leaning down to rest her head on his shoulder as she held him a little closer. “It's...It's a terrifying feeling, being in a fight you never asked for. If they don’t want to fight...Don’t. And if they ask you to stop in the middle of combat...Please, stop fighting them. There are gonna be cats like you, and cats like me. Be mindful of which ones you are gonna fight, okay?”


“...I think I can do that,” he meowed as he hugged his momma back. That seemed simple enough. Maybe he would never get the...Uh, the element of surprise or whatever but...If it made his momma happy, he could do that. Ask before he got into a fight. He...He still needed to learn how to fight and see if he liked it but...He had always enjoyed play fighting, even if they said he played rough! He...Oh, he supposed it was like that. Stopping when they complained. He titled his head back as he thought about it.

“...No, I will totally do that. For you.”

“I love you, Muddypaw.”

“And I love you back, momma!”