Arsonist's Lullabye [closed]

Venturing a guess, Tavora figured they were an hour’s walk from Highstones. Once they were beyond that peak, they were out of the forest. Out of the influence of StarClan, forever. They weren't going back to the barn, as she had said while they were still in camp. Perhaps it was to provide herself with a sense of finality, but Tavora didn't want to make a pit stop. No breaks, no looking back: one simple dive into oblivion, to forge a trail wherever she may find it. It was a choice she should have made a long time ago. She wanted to go straight for their new home… wherever that wound up being. She knew there was a tribe to the northwest, but that was not to be. They had to go even farther than that.

The marsh became less and less sticky on this leg of their journey, and the rain from the day prior gave way to sunshine. Newleaf was around the corner. Tavora noticed how the path became rockier underfoot as they came nearer to the mountain range. This was the farthest she had ever travelled in her life.

The tethers of the forest loosened around her legs, and the more they walked along in their single-file line, Tavora felt the ringing in of a new dynasty. There was now, as there had never been before, a sunrise on her life. In the forest, there was no shutting the box she had opened. She had lifted the veil from her worst qualities, her most villainous and selfish desires, and her aptitude for violence. Everyone knew who she was, or rather, who she could be, if given the slightest chance. Tavora knew that ShadowClan was right to scorn her. Without the thick fog of revolution to cloud her judgement and muffle her ears, she could see clearly the cat she once was. War and tragedy had warped her into something terrible… as long as they stayed, that could never be fixed. That is why they had to leave, and leave quickly. This was a chance for her to be a better cat and a better mother than she had ever been in her life. She wanted to try again. She wanted to breathe without the rope of her own vices strangling her throat.

And yet something still bubbled beneath her exterior. It was a sinister sensation. Something beckoned her back. You are stronger than this, she promised herself, You don’t need Faizah.

Was it possible that she missed her daughter? Could it be that her guilt over their brief and cruel depart weighed on her conscience? No, no. Not true. She had no daughter named Faizah, she had no such thing. All of her true kits were following her right now. Yes, yes. Hold on to that belief, strangle it in your paws, and do not allow it to fly away. Keep moving. You've done nothing wrong.

If Pandora had stayed, you would’ve gone back.

That’s foolish.

Yes, you would have, hypocrite, but she can’t have stayed because you killed her.

Have mercy on me! I didn’t kill my daughter!

No, she died of her own accord. You didn’t need to kill her, she put herself out of her own misery. She was too perfect to have had the likes of you for a mother.

Enough!

Everything beautiful and lovely, all that your life could have been, everything that Iniko made you feel, it died with her. She was your only chance of being a suitable maternal figure for your children, and that’s why one of them abandoned you. Pathetic is the duck rejected by her own chick.

SHUT UP!

May you be reminded of your failures with every breath that Faizah breathes, and every cat who she charms, and all the kits she will one day birth, because she was the only kit with the sense to leave you.

NEVER!

Tavora stopped short, overwhelmed by the trembling of her legs and continued rising of her fur in static shockwaves. Her life was forever tainted by that cat. Her very soul was tarnished by it. As long as she lived, the memory of her baby in ShadowClan forsaking her would haunt her nightmares and embitter her heart. Nothing could resolve the pain, the regret, and the spite that now washed over her. Over and over she was racked by the guilt.

“Tavora?” a small voice tested behind her. “Are we resting?”

Her yellow eyes shifted backwards to look at her son. “No… little salamander,” she whispered. “There’s a wrong to be righted. We… we have to go back to ShadowClan. We have to find Faizah. I made a mistake, leaving her behind like that. I need to have a word with her. Because...”

Her paws shifted slightly, as if obscuring something behind them, but her secret existed only in her mind. Because when we find her, I’m going to kill her.

“... Because I need to say goodbye. Let’s go, hmm?”

With that, Tavora turned around and began to descend the slight incline, tail pointed straight out behind her, ruddering against the wind. Her silence bewildered Galloway, who looked at Kirabo and Hyacinth with a mixture of alarm and confusion. Tavora was not calm. This was not Tavora. She was practically possessed by some strange goal that neither he nor his siblings quite understood. And yet, he followed dutifully, because he had nowhere else to go. Neither did Hyacinth, neither did Kirabo. They had to follow her… at least for now.

Bitter feelings bubbled within the strict confines of Hyacinth's chest, the subtle rising and falling indicated by nothing more than the faint rustle of her fur. Her paw pads ached and she was sore in places she wasn't even aware she could be sore, but she trekked on, trailing directly behind her mother with her chin held high. What Faizah did was none of her concern anymore, and she wouldn't dare call her a sister. Shame boiled within her when she thought of her kin, and the desire to forget her mere existence was stronger than any words she could muster to explain the feeling.

So entangled within her own thoughts, Hyacinth nearly bumped into Tavora's backside when she came to an abrupt halt. For a few moments, silence stretched between the kits and their mother, growing thinner and thinner with each passing second, until it could be sliced with a firmly drawn claw. Galloway's voice was the claw that broke through, shattering the silence, but just barely. Hyacinth's heart thudded gently within her chest in the few seconds it took for her mother to respond, and her maw parted momentarily, as if she were going to utter words of her own. She quickly closed it when Tavora responded, looking between the grey-pelted she-cat and her brother. A chill crawled through her spine and stretched through each fiber of her muscles, making her skin itchy. Her mother's seemingly secretive nature was odd and she didn't like it, but she wouldn't dare voice those concerns.

With nothing more than a simple nod, she made a complete turn to follow her mother, but she made a point to trail behind slightly and get beside Galloway. An odd sense of dread had displaced the broiling emotions of guilt, shame, and anger that had coursed through her veins just moments ago. A glance towards her brother revealed that he was just as confused as her, but as their paws led them closer to the marshes, she didn't speak a word. Her curiosity made her whiskers twitch and as she looked at her mother from her spot in the lineup, she wondered what she might be planning. "But Tavora... I thought we were done with her, forever?" She mewed quietly, her head sunken between her narrow shoulders. "Why do we need to say goodbye? We don't need her, ma." Names such as 'mama' were so rarely used as a part of Hyacinth's vocabulary, so it felt weird rolling off of her tongue, but the need to correct it wasn't there, not like it usually was. Her paws kept moving forward, but her head tilted inquisitively as she stared toward her mother's figure in front of her.

Tavora did not answer Hyacinth, not at first. She spoke hardly a word other than "this way" or "watch your step" until they had reached more even ground and could more closely hear the roaring symphony of monsters in their twilight rush. Being closed off from both sides by the Thunderpath for most of her life, Tavora knew quite well their patterns. They would not patrol after heavy snowfall, and they would walk slower in the rain so that their great heavy paws would gain traction. Every evening as the last twinge of orange faded from the sky, they'd come back in droves to Twolegplace, hurrying along with their putrid odor to mark where they had been. When their paws grazed the side, where blackened, dry, and dead grasses dotted the edges of the path, Tavora halted her kits.

"This is why we are going back," she began. "Loyalty is the only virtue that's worth a whisker in this life. You may not be smart, or strong, or cunning, or swift, or have a single redeeming quality about you... but if you can offer your flesh and blood, and receive it in return? Or, better yet, if you can make a deal, a trade, and stick to it, with death as collateral? You can get plenty done. You can make a decent living."

She drew a circle in the sand. "This is why the clans have prospered for so long... they offer food, protection, shelter..." Tavora drew branches off of that circle, like rays of a sun. "All these cats... feeding into the whole system... but it's a ruse. It's a lie. It's false loyalty. Do you know why?"

Her claws ran along the branches, tracing up from the branches to the circle. "After you've bought into it, devoted your life to it, formed every bond, every goal, every dream, around the lifestyle they have presented to you... They've got you. Even if you wanted to leave, you can't. There's no life for an exile, or a runaway. And now, you have to follow their rules..." She stamped out the drawing with her paw, pressing it into the sand, and when she lifted it away, nothing remained. "They have nothing to lose, but you do. And I... oh, I hate it. I hate that they demand loyalty, that they demand your precious time, your energy, your youth, and give you nothing but outdated laws to follow and a debt you could never dream to repay. And even then, you might still die. You might still starve. Like my mother did."

When she lifted her gaze, she was nearly tearful. It landed on Hyacinth, and Tavora shriveled at the sight of her beloved daughter, seeing her as a mother should see her kit for the very first time. It was unfair, that it should come so late. The moment was sure to be fleeting, and so, to savor it, Tavora placed her paw at Hyacinth's chin and tilted it skyward to meet her eyes. "This world is cruel and unfair. You are such a precious daughter. I wonder who you might have turned out to be, if you had not been given me as a mother."

They stayed there for an awfully prolonged moment, in which Tavora remembered when she was not this shattered thing, but an apprentice herself. Before she had been taught fear, before she had been taught hunger, before she had been taught war, and before the chasm came to swallow her up. She thought of the bright glow of the day she first met Iniko, and in Hyacinth's face, she saw him. She saw herself. And now, as the moment faded, she began to see Hyacinth once again as she always had. Tavora looked at her daughter and felt a lifetime of regret. She allowed her paw to fall away, and averted her eyes.

Tavora turned to all of her kits. "If you abandon every word I ever said, remember this one thing: Loyalty must be earned as much as it is given. Trust is a mutual transaction. Your devotion cannot be traded away without your consent... and if you are betrayed, you have been stolen from. Your sister has stolen from us... and that is a lesson I have yet to teach her. Kirabo, please, stay behind and stand watch. If there is trouble, you'll see us come running, and you'll have to help us cross the thunderpath before the trouble catches up. Do you understand, my son?"

"So... what will we do?" Galloway asked softly.

"Your sister still trusts you, little fawn," Tavora answered. "She will not come if I call for her."

Galloway felt his gut twist as he understood that he and Hyacinth were being used as bait. He was a good enough actor, he figured. He was used to getting himself in and out of trouble in the presence of Asylum cats. This, however, was very different, and much more real than a kittish game. He was not sure he was up to the job.

Hyacinth's expression went from curious back to its normal state- aware, but simultaneously lost within the depths of her own thoughts. The small she-cat didn't bother repeating her questions, for she knew that Tavora's silence was intentional. Everything her mama did had a good reason, and it wasn't her place to question it. When they finally reached the Thunderpath, Hyacinth came to a stop directly behind her mother. Hyacinth listened intently to what she had to say and eventually sat down outside the circle Tavora had drawn in the sand. She shook her head dutifully when Tavora asked if she knew why the Clan cats had false loyalty, her ears sharp and pointed, focusing in on every word that her mother said.

When, eventually, Tavora's gaze rested on hers, Hyacinth drank in the attention she was getting, savoring the loving gaze that her mother had to offer. This was what she lived for, the sum of all her actions over the past moons. She thrived in it- the love that her mother offered her in that moment. This feeling was one that was so rarely felt, and for that reason, Hyacinth wanted to hold onto it forever. She didn't dare blink, else it might flee from her grasp. "But... I couldn't possibly ask for a better mother, Tavora." She mewed desperately, staring into her dull yellow eyes. Hyacinth had to fight the urge to follow after her mother's paw, to chase her gaze when they both fell away. Her ears shifted back slightly when they did, and a desperate want- no, need, filled her chest once again, a throbbing hope for her mother's love and attention. It was truly all she hoped for in this life- that, and to meet her father.

Almost like clockwork, she straightened her posture and pointed her ears back toward her mother when she turned to address the kits, and she once again dedicated her focus to every word that left her maw. Her gaze shifted to Galloway for a moment when he spoke up, and said the same thing that she was thinking. Her eyes lit up for a moment, knowing that she had a purpose in whatever it was that her mama was planning. "Ooooh. I can do that," She mewed, standing up with a slight mischievous grin pulling at the corners of her lips. "Come on, Galloway." She mewed, turning to face the Thunderpath. She'd been taught how to cross without getting eaten by one of the monsters, but to say that she wasn't still afraid of them was certainly a lie. She watched as they passed by, timing herself perfectly before mewing, "1... 2... 3!" And leaping across the hard black surface, wrinkling her nose at the acrid scent that would now coat her paws. She looked back, checking to see that Galloway had followed her, and truthfully, to seek her mother's approval of her initiative.

The asphalt was rough on her pawpads, tearing them as they dragged. The she-cat felt loose, careless. Something drove her deeper into the woods, and she hardly stopped to let her inexperienced kits catch up. They had not had the time to explore these woods. They did not know their homeland like Tavora did. She sped along, and though Galloway's panting and grunting as he lobbed himself over rock and log hit her ears, they did not reach her brain. She moved like a twoleg monster, driven by some unexplainable force that she could not control.

From the direction they were coming from, Tavora soon decided, they would have to cut through the Deep Marshes. It was the only way they could mask their scent. It was the only way she could get close enough without detection... because ShadowClan would be looking for them. She said nothing to her kits as the ground became softer underpaw. Her nose lay low to the ground, pressing on. Her muscles, her heart, her lungs, and her very bones shrieked for her to turn around, but she could not. Tavora was running on fumes now. Her flame was all but burnt out, holding on to the last embers of a glorious revolt. She would not suffocate, she would not yield or bend to the clans. She would not turn her cheek to StarClan and walk off, defeated.

Her paw suddenly sank deep into the ground, coming up to her elbow. Tavora gasped sharply in surprise before her head swiveled. "Galloway, Hyacinth, wait where you are!" she exclaimed.

Galloway lifted his paw out of the mud and shook it as hard as he can, but the stuff was stuck to him like sap. They had also began to sink into the marsh. He grimaced at the stink of it, and at the uncomfortable sensation of being dirty and wet. It smelled like dung, and he wrinkled his nose with watery eyes fluttering shut. He shuffled a little closer to Hyacinth. "Tavora. Please. We will get stuck if we follow you," he pleaded, masking his worry underneath a cold, explanitory tone.

Tavora glanced down at her own reflection in the dark water. It seemed distorted. Her face was twisted unnaturally, her brow furrowed into a deep, permanent scowl, and her fur was matted all along her body.

But, it isn't distorted after all. Right, Tanglerose?

She tapped her nose to the reflection and let it ripple. She thought for a long time about what to do. "Okay," she whispered. "These marshes are one of ShadowClan's many secrets. One wrong step, and you will die. The bottom of this marsh is littered with the bones of crowfood and stupid cats. There are a sequence of rocks that you must stand on and walk across. You will hold your chin up no matter how deep the water gets. You will not be able to look down at the stones, you must feel them. I know the way. Do you understand?"

Galloway nodded, a very timid look overwhelming him. Tavora rolled her eyes, and seeing approval from Hyacinth, she felt for the first stone. "Right here. Come on."

A sense of panic filled Hyacinth's chest as they got to the deep marshes, her paws covered in slick black mud. She welcomed Galloway's touch as he shuffled closer and subconsciously she leaned into him for support, staring down into the mud hesitantly. She didn't comment on Galloway's assertion that they would get stuck if they were to follow her, and instead, showed her support of his statement by remaining where she stood until Tavora gave further instruction. Her little heart was pounding and despite the apprehension she felt, she'd do whatever her mother told her to do. For now, though, she simply stood and stared at her as she pondered the situation.

She listened attentively when Tavora spoke up, shuddering slightly when she said that if they made a mistake, they'd die. She shared a quick panicked glance with Galloway before turning back to face Tavora. Despite being rather afraid, she nodded and tried to pull her paws from the mud one by one, making her way closer to Tavora and the rocks that she spoke about beneath the dark, muddy water.

Placing one paw forward, the she-cat felt the first stone under her paw pads and stepped onto it, grimacing as the mud came up to her chest. As Tavora said, she kept her chin held high and didn't look down. If she did she'd probably slip and fall, and she didn't want her bones to join those of the cats who were too stupid to make it across the marsh on their own. With a bit of hesitance, she tried to look back to where Galloway stood, flashing an encouraging expression his way as she held her chin above the murky water. "Tavora... I'm afraid." She mewed in a low, hardly audible tone. She didn't want Galloway to hear her, but her little paws were shaking and she was unsure of what to do. Her mother would hardly be a source of comfort, but she didn't want to die. Trembling slightly, she tried to keep her body still as she stood on the rock, waiting for further instruction.

With every step, and every stone, a memory was yanked open.

A foggy morning. The scene, shrouded in mist that rolled across the water. A frog croaked right next to her ear, startling her, and Tanglepaw felt her paw slip. She shrieked, knowing before it happened that she was going under, and that she would not come back up. Just seven moons old; what a tragedy. Drowned in a deep marsh. She saw her mother grieving her.

Her breath gurgled, and her limbs thrashed, but suddenly, she felt a great set of teeth grab her by the scruff and hoist her out. She gasped, spitting and coughing, and the warrior used his cheek fur to wipe the mud out of her eyes. She opened them, chuckling nervously as she looked around, tapping her paws on the stones underneath her to be sure that she was steady, and thanked her savior.

She hated the Deep Marshes after that, and though she could guesstimate the path if asked, she didn’t know for sure if she could ever really know them.

But Tanglepaw could not know fear. She just couldn’t. If she did, they would find her fragility… and they’d exploit it.

---

Tavora wondered if she had been exploited, not by ShadowClan, but by the Asylum. It was a thought that sickened her, and she shoved it behind her, growling at it like a foreign body that had trespassed in her head. Her paw swung out to find the next stone, and she gripped it with her claws as she stepped once again. “Alright, Hyacinth, find my back paw again. Good. I’m going to move it, step right there.”

Occasionally, somebody would chuff or spit as a small wave caught their face. Tavora barked directions and used her tail as a rudder. Her eyes were fixated on the goal of their mission. She imagined tossing Faizah adrift in the marsh to keep her thoughts from drifting into unhappy places.

---

A dusky darkness was washing over the territory. The longer they stayed, the more obscured their unfamiliar surroundings became. The glow of Hyacinth’s eyes were all that Galloway could make out.

He heard his sister whimper, terrified. Galloway’s stomach twisted up in alarm. Her panic doused him in ice water; it was like waking up from a dream. He cocked his head at Tavora, bewildered by how driven she was, and how blind she must be, to continue despite how clearly dangerous this was for all three of them. If he voiced this concern, he would be asked to doubt himself. They had to trust her. There was no other choice but to trust—

“Wo-oah!” Galloway cried out, reaching for Hyacinth’s tail and missing. The slippery rock he was standing on rolled out from beneath him. The rocks were supposed to be immovable. She told them the rocks were solid! No… Tavora had lead them off the path. These were not the right rocks.

He fell backwards, his front paws attempting to grip mud, branches, logs, or anything, before his muzzle sank beneath. He tried to hold his breath as he kicked, looking for the bottom so that he could launch off and reach the surface. Galloway found nothing. Too deep. He screamed, the noise bubbling up to the top of the water.

“GALLOWAY!” Tavora screeched, realizing her awful mistake. She spun around and retraced her steps, nearly shoving Hyacinth off of her rocks. “Move, move, move!”

Tavora’s head disappeared under the water as she hunted for her son’s scruff. She pulled him up swiftly, giving him a foothold on the rocks to stabilize him as he sputtered. She offered him no cheek to wipe his eyes, nor a nuzzle of relief. Galloway wept only for a minute, though his trembling persisted. His mind ran with thoughts he could not describe or comprehend. He had looked death in the eye and hardly escaped it… and his mother had lead him there. The tom sniffled hard, biting his teeth together to lock his jaw. Relax. Relax. Calm down. Don't be stupid. Don't be a mouseheart. The mantras instilled in him since birth cycled through his body. When he could think again, he looked up at Hyacinth, blinking away the gunk. They would all perish here. Kirabo would have to fend for himself and would never know what became of them.

“You…” he panted. “You have no idea what you’re doing.”

“Oh, pardon me!” Tavora snapped back. “Would you have preferred I left you down there?!”

“I’d prefer if you turned us around. This is insane. Even if you do find her, what are you gonna do with her, Tavora? You’re gonna kill her, right? Well, who gives a foxtail! She’s practically dead already! She’s not my sister, and she’s not your kit! You’re gonna kill a random cat for no reason, just ‘cause you can't get over yourself?”

“She…” Tavora stopped. Her ears began to fall, defeated. It just made his blood boil more. Some spiteful beast in him screamed to push her harder, to get meaner, to tear her down to nothing. His muzzle moved within a whisker of her flattened jowl.

“We were going to leave!”

“We are leaving, right now!” Tavora snapped, and she struck out ahead of them, in the opposite direction, feeling for the next stone under her paws.

“Good! Because…”

His eyes flickered to Hyacinth. He nearly sought her support, before he suddenly felt foolish and kitlike for doing so. He was not a weakling. Not like crykitty Faizah. Galloway set his brow. He collected a breath.

“BECAUSE I THINK YOU’RE CRAZY!” he screamed. Somewhere, a bird flapped its wings and escaped to another treetop. The feeling of his vocal chords shredding filled his eyes with tears. “You made us leave the Asylum! You made us leave our family! They were gonna go home, and you didn't let us go with them! Now we're stuck here, with your stupid ShadowClan ancestors! And you!”

Galloway whined, awareness of his sticky pelt, smelly surroundings, mud-filled mouth, and fast heartbeat building to a crescendo of misery and bitterness that he did not know was possible. A dam broke, and he sobbed audibly. “I hate you. I hate you so much. I thought things were gonna be different, and you dragged us out here. We were gonna be our own clan. A family, like at the barn. We were gonna be normal.”

---

For some time, they all stared at each other. Tavora felt emptied out, like Galloway had tipped her over and let her contents spill into the swamp. Her son had never shown anger like this before, nor the resolution that now blanketed his expression. He looked like Iniko, but her mate’s memory gave her no satisfaction anymore. She felt like a log, hollowed out by the ages. The outer ring that remained was something she did not understand.

Tavora turned away from her kits. She lifted her paw to the next stone. “I know you do. The only kindness… the only love that I ever had… that you might have had... is dead. And it was the death of every good part of me. Hate me, then. Leave me, when we get out of this swamp. I don’t care, Galloway. You're grown enough to make your own choices.”

Tavora finally looked back at her son, and she did not realize she was crying. “But… I want you to know, both of you... even if I was not good at it… I always—”

She stepped and her paw hit nothing. Her entire body plummeted beneath the water. Tavora twisted, her body writhing to find traction. The she-cat opened her eyes to view the cloudy water and the rippling moon disappearing from her view. Above her, she heard Galloway scream for help.

Tavora just kept sinking.

---

Suspended in time.

I am not finished yet.

She pulled her paws to her chest. Her kits were too small to pull her back up. This was it. In some naive way, she thought herself untouchable by death, doomed to toil in this barren land forever. It almost made her laugh, that she could be that dumb.

The riot. The revolution. It’s hardly begun.

Tavora could hold her breath no more. Water seeped into her orifices. She gagged, struggling in the agony of drowning.

I wanted to watch this forest burn.

The moon that scorned her disappeared. She was somewhat aware that she was reaching the bottom, but it seemed like she was still sinking. Down, down, down. Never ascending. A different path awaited her.

I’ll burn it myself. The stars, too. And I’ll smile...

The earth consumed her fading body as the claws of some supernatural force tightened around her. It pulled her deeper.

At all the ashes in my wake.