My Apocalypse [Foxfire]

Beechface wearily padded from the medicine den, a bundle of herbs in her jaw. Her whole body ached still, that much was plain to see. Scars ran from the top of her head all the way down to the base of her tail, more scars lined her chin and stomach, but there was only so much resting she could do. The clan needed her attention, now more than ever she could ill afford to sit idle.

The medicine cat paused by the fresh-kill pile, weary gaze scanning the meager selection of prey. Deciding on a vole, she carefully picked it up and continued on.

Yellow-green eyes peered into the den, picking out Foxfire's form in the gloom. Stars... The Asylum had managed to utterly defeat two of their best warriors without laying a claw on either of them.

"Hey, Foxfire." Beechface mewed softly, stopping in front of the russet and white tom. She set the vole and bundle of herbs down, nudging the vole towards the warrior.

"You should eat." Food would make the herbs easier, and the tom really did need to eat. He'd hardly moved from his nest since Flowerthorn had been taken. Beechface couldn't imagine what he or Leaffrost were feeling at the loss. She wished that she could do more than offer herbs to sooth the mind. She hated feeling helpless, hated watching her clanmates suffer like this.

Foxfire was curled up in a tight ball, muzzle buried under paws as he struggled to take up the space of the nest he had once shared with Flowerthorn. He had barely spoken a word since he had howled after his mate, questioning why she would do that - why she would attack Dawnhawk when he needed her here. Of course, the grief had faded...Into nothing. The warrior had barely moved from his nest once he been ushered into it - not even to eat. The world felt numb to him without his mate, unable to even feel angry at the world. He just felt... Empty. The only real sign that he was still aware was the twitching of his ears at the sound of paws, at a voice - Beechface. For a few long heartbeats, he didn't move even after her words. But finally something broke through the numbness, a stabbing pain brought forth by the tempting smell of a vole behind him. Hunger. Slowly he pulled his muzzle free, rolling to face Beechface as he reached forward and drew the vole nearer, his eyes dark as he didn't dare meet the medicine cat's gaze - to see how scarred she had become. "...Thanks," he muttered dimly, his voice ragged from disuse but he didn't move to eat the prey...Instead he just stared, trying to draw the energy forward to actually do something.

Beechface's tail briefly brushed Foxfire's shoulder before she shifted to sit next to him, letting the grieving tom have the nest. It worried her that he just stared at the food without taking a bite. Of course, that was the grief more than anything, she knew. No herbs that she knew of would help with that.

To say that frustrated the medicine cat was an understatement. She could make sure a cat ate, she could set broken bones or dislocated shoulders or deal with infections and physical injuries. But this? There was nothing she could do other than sit with the despondent tom. Nothing she could do would bring Flowerthorn back, or Bloodstrike or Featherkit or Flashstorm. There was nothing she could do to take away grief or heal the immaterial. Her tail tip twitched back and forth, a steady rhythm to accompany the feeling of helpless restlessness she felt in this situation.

"If you want to talk..." She began, voice trailing off. Hesitancy, awkwardness. Stars, but she really wasn't good at this part of being medicine cat. It wasn't like she could just say a few words and his grief would just magically disappear. If only things were that simple. Anything to ease the suffering of her clanmates even a little would be better than this.

"...What is there to say?" he questioned softly, a shutter running through his body as grief started to swell in his chest. He had spent the last few sunrises trying to think of nothing - to not dwell on Flowerthorn, on what her fate could be. In a way, this was even worse than Flashstorm's untimely demise. At least he knew that he was in StarClan. But Flowerthorn...He didn't know if she was alive or dead. If she was being kept safe wherever she was dragged to, or if she was being treated horribly... He blinked, feeling something for the first time in a while as tears started to roll down his cheek. "I don't...I don't know what to do anymore," he admitted, his body quivering as he lowered his head and fought back the sobs as all the emotions he had tried to ignore seemed to be flooding through him - as if a dam had broken. "I promised her I would never leave her side, that I would always be there for her but I - I couldn't go after her. Leaf-Frost still need me but what good am I to her like this? Flowerthorn was everything I wasn't - brave, unwavering... she was my life and now she is gone and I...I miss her. I miss her so much. And I don't know if I will ever see her again."

"Yeah, I miss her. too. I'm sorry, I hate that I was unable to stop this, any of this." She huffed out.

"I'd trade every one of these rogues for our clanmates." Not that wishing it so would do them any good. If Starclan was listening, Beechface thought they were callous, to do nothing about any of this. They let her clan suffer, and for what? Her tail lashed once in anger. Anger at Dawnhawk, at the Asylum. At the stars for this cruelty the clan was forced to suffer through seemingly without end.

Not knowing what to do, that was something she knew. Sympathized with. Life moved on, whether they wanted it to or not. Her tail twitched, falling to rest on the tom's shoulder once more as the tears fell.

"I'm sorry." She sighed again. He had been right, of course. What was there to say? What was there to do in this sutiation but to survive? Survive out of spite. Something she would do, Beechface wasn't so sure about her clanmates, in that regard. But if it was one thing she'd learned, spite was powerful. And it would surely be better than wasting away in a nest. Flowerthorn would hate to see him this way, she was sure, but Beechface didn't have the heart to say it. She was also sure that they'd see each other again, one way or the other.

There was a long silence, Foxfire unsure on what to say. He wanted to agree - wishing to trade away Asylum but even as his emotions seem to come flooding back, anger was not one of them. He couldn't feel angry, not at them, not at Flowerthorn for doing what she did. He just...He just felt sad. He lifted a paw, scrubbing at his face before he finally leaned down and took a bite of the vole. As he did so, the pains of hunger seemed to prick as his desire for a meal overtook him, wasting little time wolfing the rest of it down. He drew back, a semblance of comfort at eating something before he paused to think back on Beechface's words.

"Its...Its fine," he meowed softly, licking his lips to finish off what remained of his meal. "There...There isn't anything to be done, I don't think. We just..." he drifted off. What, they were to move on? He...He didn't see a future for himself without her. And even with the idea that he would have to - it didn't make the pain any less real or easy to swallow. He knew he was in a bad place, he wished he could be his old self but...Wishful thinking wouldn't make the pain go away. It wouldn't make moving on any easier - and even with the hope that he would see her again... He didn't know how to pretend things were okay until that moment. He hated it, he really did. He had always hated these feelings - when he would tear himself apart. It was why he had stopped being deputy, because while he knew the thoughts were wrong, untrue...There would always be a part of him that whispered 'but what if it was true?' Knowing he should be better...

It only made him feel even worse.

"...Thank you, Beechface. For the food. I..." his ears slicked back, drawing himself fulling into their - his - nest again. "..I-I'm sorry. I know, I should be better than this. We all...T-This was - I-I was going to have to live without her at some point. Or she without me but...I don't..." He flopped into the nest, screwing his eyes shut as he drew his paws over his face. "I'm sorry you all have to see me like this."

"Take these, the thyme will help." She said softly as Foxfire finished his vole, nudging the small parcel of herbs towards Foxfire. She'd decided against the poppy seeds, this time. He wasn't having full-blown panic attacks and wasn't in shock, and more sleep wasn't going to help him at this point. Thyme was good for soothing the mind, so she'd opted for a lighter paw.

"...Move on? Easy to say, of course... Harder to do." She winced slightly as she shifted back onto her haunches. Her injuries were mostly healed, but she was sore still.

"Grief doesn't have a limit, Foxfire." She mewed finally, "You don't need to apologize for that." She wasn't so sure she'd been in any better shape if it had been Wrenspring that was taken, or Ravenclaw.

His eyes opened, peeking past his paw at the small pile of herbs. Ah...Right. Those would help...Somehow. He wasn't sure what thyme would do but Beechface had been there for him when Flashstorm had... He trusted her. He knew that. He didn't know how many SkyClan cats he could trust - he didn't trust Dawnhawk, and he sadly didn't trust Wolfstar anymore. Not after seeing what his deputy could do. But there was Beechface...And Smokefeather. His daughter Leaf-Frost of course. Wrenspring - even if it had been a while since they have spoken... Maybe Blossomstep? He knew that things had been tense between her and Wolfstar - perhaps Blossomstep had the right idea in that... Not that he would do - he had hardly spoken a word to anybody since Flowerthorn had been taken. His ears twitched as Beechface gently pressed him not to apologize for his grief. He...Wished it was that easy. He could feel his stomach twist, torn between trying to do some semblance of his duties or continue wallowing in grief. He already knew the answer - his body and head wouldn't let him feel otherwise but it still ached in all the wrong ways. "...Right. I...Thank you, Beechface. Truly. F-For being here for me. I..." he drifted off, ears slicking back. "I hope he gets what he deserves. That they all do. I hope...I hope that nobody else has to go through...This." There was a long silence. "I wish I could do more but...I still...I don't see a way forward. Past...This. The hurt, th-the grief...I-I don't think I'll be returning to my duties any time soon."

Foxfire didn't need to be any more specific than 'he' for Beechface to understand who he referred to.

"He will." She promised him grimly, voice filled with rage for everything Dawnhawk had done. Bloodstrike, Flowerthorn, Featherkit... The anger was enough for her to choke on. Her claws sank into the dirt beneath them, and retracting them was an effort. Keeping the rage she felt from her voice when she next spoke was even more of a struggle.

"You need time, Foxfire. That's okay." Stars... He and Smokefeather, both. Beechface hated seeing either of them like this. Hated even more that there was so little to be done about it. "We'll... You'll... Get through this. Rest for now, it's fine."

Something flickered on Foxfire's face - for all but a heartbeat, his muzzle was upturned in the weakest of smiles. But as quickly as it had appeared, it faded away as the heaviness of the world seemed to sink upon him. His tattered ears laid flat as he reached a paw forward, dragging the herbs closer before he leaned forward to lap them up. "Right...Right..." he muttered as he stretched out his limbs before he plopped down into a tight ball. This...Things would be okay at some point...Right? These feelings, as impossible as they seemed to overcome, they would fade away, wouldn't they? He just... His mind drifted to everybody that he had lost. "...I hope so," he admitted as he buried his muzzle into his paws, wishing he had a tail he could draw over himself - wishing he had Flowerthorn's warmth. He wished for a lot of things - more time, mostly.

But that seems like that is all one could ever want.

More time before having to say goodbye.



...He wished he could have said goodbye.

Beechface watched the faint flicker of a smile come and go, fading away. He ate the herbs before curling back up into his next, and the medicine cat figured that was all anyone could ask of Foxfire right now. With a sigh, she stood, silently cursing Dawnhawk's claws for her back pain as she did so.

Turning to the red-furred warrior, Beechface briefly rested her tail across his shoulders once more.

"You know where I am if you need me." She said quietly, "Rest, Foxfire." She turned, slipping quietly from the den.