your obedient servant [closed]

Swallowing the lump that had formed in her throat, Nerio padded into the WindClan medicine cat den with a shocked look on her face. Despite her tendency towards the mischievous, the she-cat wasn't particularly fond of Smallbean's... predicament. Personally, she'd always held an interest in healing and caring for her comrades, but she was skilled in several techniques for hunting and battle as well- something that the tom arguably lacked, at least to any similar degree. She found it quite sad that someone was to be reduced to something as boring as sorting herbs all day with little to show for it, and such a short leash when it came to freedoms, even under Asylum's rule. The rule about not taking a mate, in particular, was rather peculiar to Nerio. Regardless, here she was, standing before Softbreeze. Clearing her throat, she held back a sigh and declared, "Morning, Softbreeze." Her voice was clearly strained and it was obvious that she didn't really want to be there.

The she-cat sat down and wrapped her tail around her paws, tortoiseshell fur ruffling ever so slightly against the chill in the den. "It's about time to train an apprentice, eh? That's how your Clans work, I think. Anyway, Asylum has found a cat who we believe is the best fit, er... Well, sort of. He just isn't suited for the life of a warrior. I doubt you'll approve of this, but you'll come to learn that this is for the best. There's no telling what Asylum would do to him if he doesn't serve a good purpose... The life of a pelt ward is far from enjoyable, but Asylum doubts he'd even be good at that, clumsy and odd as he is." Nerio was painfully aware that she was dragging the conversation on, but she didn't want Softbreeze to feel like she was being... rude. The truth of the matter was, she didn't think Softbreeze was quite too bad. Sure, she didn't know how to shut it when it truly mattered... But at the right times, that could almost be admirable... Almost.

Nerio was the only Asylum cat Softbreeze could almost tolerate. Almost. "I'd say good morning to you as well, but it hasn't been a good morning since your crew arrived, hmm?" Softbreeze remarked, nearly playful. But she reminded herself this was an enemy, and her expression and tone changed to bored. Nerio didn't look as though she wanted to be here, and Softbreeze felt the same. Please leave, I'd like to sob in peace if you don't mind.

What Nerio said next, however, surprised her. "Apprentice? Are you crazy? Aspenheart only died a few moons ago! I'm still young! No cat here even shows interest in medicine, that's absurd. And I'm supposed to choose my apprentice, or take a suggestion from Olivestar, you don't even know how we select medicine cats! And how am I supposed to take an apprentice if they can't even get StarClan's approval? What if you choose a cat who spirals out of control and poisons everyone? No. I'm not taking on an apprentice. That's final. Now, if you excuse me, I'm rather busy."

With a flick of her tail, she dismiss Nerio and turned around, shifting a couple leaves as if she were busy. She definitely was not ready to train another cat. How could she? She killed Dappleshine! Until Dappleshine herself approved of the choice,-- and Aspenheart, and Finchstar, and Graybriar, and Barleytuft, and Goldengale, and Raventail, and Sagelight, and Mothglow, a-and Honeysong, and Eveningpaw, and Featherlight, and Echolight, and Darksong-- she wouldn't choose any apprentice. End of discussion.

Nerio resisted the urge to roll her eyes as Softbreeze chattered on about why she couldn't take on an apprentice. Did she not see that she didn't have a choice?

Before Softbreeze could start talking again, Nerio mewed, "Softbreeze, please listen to me. This isn't a choice, don't you understand that? Asylum's decision is final. You... You have to train Smallbean. You don't need StarClan's approval... Not this time, okay? I'm sure that StarClan wouldn't mind anyway, he's... er, more use as a medicine cat. Don't you think? I mean, have you seen that cat hunt, or fight? Heh..." She chuckled, clearly uncomfortable. She wanted to make this as easy as she could for the disheveled medicine cat, but she wasn't doing the best job, and she knew it.

"I know it's not what you're used to. But in time you'll understand, this is for the best. And... And I know you miss Dappleshine, I'm... I'm sorry, but maybe training an apprentice would make things better, give you something to focus on, you know? And... I'm sure that Aspenheart would approve. Dappleshine too. If you don't do this, Softbreeze... I don't know what will happen. It won't be good. Okay?" The tip of her tail twitched rhythmically with her whiskers, bracing for another explosion from Softbreeze.

Softbreeze was listening, seeing some reason in Nerio's arguments. Theron had already proven multiple times that what WindClan wanted didn't matter. Despite her hatred for the Asylum, Nerio had somehow managed to make herself somewhat likeable, even to the stubborn medicine cat. With a sigh, Softbreeze had admitted defeat, and was about to tell Nerio she'd do it. That was until Nerio made one fatal mistake.

Whirling around with a snarl and a blaze of fury, she hissed daggers at Nerio. "Don't you dare say her name! You have no right to tell me what she would've wanted!" Her growl was fueled by grief, and she harshly turned away from Nerio, so that the other molly wouldn't see the sadness and pain that laced her eyes.

Despite herself, Softbreeze hiccupped, legs nearly giving out on her before she caught herself. It seemed she could only be strong as steel for so long.. "Y-you don't know what she would've wanted! Aspenheart wouldn't approve of this.. He'd be ashamed! I killed her!" Softbreeze couldn't stop herself, the words tumbling from her mouth before she could. Her eyes widened as she realized what she'd done, and she lowered her head, still looking away from Nerio.

Good job, Softbreeze. Just pour out all your issues to the enemy! Internally, she scolded herself for being so foolish. "...Just go away.."

Nerio, seeing that Sotbreeze was finally about to give in, had begun to smile with relief. The relief was premature, of course- She shut her mouth immediately when Softbreeze began to fuss. "I-I'm sorry! You're right, I... I'm sorry." She shook her head slightly, ashamed when Softbreeze turned around. She wanted to rush forward and support her when she seemed to buckle, but knew that she'd be better off without the she-cat's claws and teeth buried in her fur.

"You're right, I don't know what she would've wanted. But I know that any cat worth anything in this world wouldn't want to see you or anyone else harmed, which... Is probably what will happen if you don't train Smallbean." She glanced down at her own paws when Softbreeze said that she'd killed Dappleshine. "No, Softbreeze, you didn't. You did everything you could to heal her, and you could've done more if I hadn't gotten in your way. It's my fault, alright? You did the right thing and tried to make her feel better... It's my fault. Not yours." Nerio shook her head, shutting her eyes for a moment. "I won't go away." She wasn't going to talk about the fact that she couldn't go away until Softbreeze accepted because she was under strict orders. "If you won't let your Clanmates comfort you and be there for you, you're going to let me. I know you don't like what I stand for. You don't have to. But you're going to have to deal with me, so you might as well start liking me." She walked to Softbreeze's side, hoping that the she-cat didn't claw her eyes out just for approaching her. In a slightly softer, more gentle tone, she mewed, "Softbreeze, please. Let me be here for you." She shifted slightly, moving a bit closer and touching her tail to the she-cat's shoulder in an attempt at comforting her.

"Fine. I'll take him as my apprentice. For his sake."

And then Nerio brought up Dappleshine, and all at once, everything she'd tried to lock up came flooding out. She sobbed, and she sobbed, until they broke off into a couple of hiccups, unable to control the emotions flowing from her. Grief, anger, sadness, fear, loneliness, sorrow, loathing, agony, pain, rage, loss. They all bubbled up and overflowed. Softbreeze hated herself for it.

Almost immediately after, Softbreeze was revolted with herself.

For so long she'd told herself to never show weakness in front of those you cannot trust. For so long, she'd closed it all inside. She'd hid her brokenness deep down inside of a perfect facade. Truthfully, she hadn't been okay even before the Asylum had come. They'd just made it worse. She was so good at masking in front of her Clanmates, her smile was picture perfect. Oh, but she knew they knew. She'd known that since that day she'd fainted in camp that they'd never see her the same. They'd worry about her, and they'd know her smiles were fake.

And yet, still she wouldn't let them see. Perhaps she was scared they'd hate her for it. Or perhaps she was scared she'd hate herself even more for it. Or perhaps she was scared of being loved. Yes, that was it. Scared of being loved. Her greatest flaw. Softbreeze wasn't scared of many things; she'd looked Theron in the eyes and all but told her to jump off the gorge. She'd faced the wraith of StarClan as an apprentice. She wasn't scared off any living cat, nor any dead cat. No goose or fox could petrify her and poison startled her not. There were only two things that she feared.

Failure and being loved.

Softbreeze knew this mindset was a horrible one. But she could not help it. She was a terrible medicine cat and an even worse cat in general. She'd failed every task given to her. Even her closest friends had left her, without so much as a goodbye.

And suddenly, as Nerio pleaded for her to let her walls down, she did. If you'd asked her then and now why she had, she would not be able to tell you, for she quite honestly did not know. This was the enemy, Softbreeze knew that very well and made that more than clear. Even so, her persistence was admirable. "...Why? Why do you care? Why are you so confusing? I don't like it. Just stop. I-- I can't control myself properly around you and I don't like it. I don't like it at all." Softbreeze muttered hoarsely, coughing back tears.

"If this is just a game to you then fine, you win. But don't involve my heart. It can handle but so much pain."

It was almost instinctual. As soon as the first tear rolled down Softbreeze's cheek, Nerio pressed into her side and curled her tail around her, allowing the she-cat to lean on her if she needed it. The Standard didn't remember moving next to her, nor did she recall making the decision to lick the she-cat's cheek to clean the tears from her face. But she had, and when Softbreeze stopped crying, Nerio found herself sitting next to her, staring at her own paws. The silence was somehow both awkward and comforting. Seeing Softbreeze in tears struck Nerio's heart in a way that was almost painful, and it caused tears to prick at the back of her own icy blue eyes. The she-cat wasn't quite sure why she felt this way, and she wasn't entirely sure she liked it either. Softbreeze... She liked Softbreeze, she knew that much, but she had little control over her own words when she was around her. She had no control over her actions and what she did, and she didn't like that. But perhaps it was a good thing? Nerio didn't know, and Nerio didn't care, either.

"I... I care because I like you, S-Softbreeze. More than a-any other cat I've m-met here." Choked up, the Standard shifted her paws to turn away from Softbreeze a bit, still sitting next to her but tilted so that her face wasn't visible. "Do you think that I c-can control myself p-properly around you? Do you th-think that I like it? Because I d-don't." Nerio didn't like the feeling of being exposed. In fact, it was her least favorite position to be in. She didn't like the feeling that any cat might see the single tear trickling down her face, or see her expressing such... vulnerable emotions. There wasn't a single part of this conversation that she did like, except for the fact that it was with Softbreeze. "This isn't a game!" She quickly turned around and mewed, eyes glazed as she stared at Softbreeze. "I don't d-do this. I don't cry! This never h-happens to m-me and I don't like it either!" She muttered, voice crackling. For just a few moments, her gaze lingered on Softbreeze, but Nerio couldn't handle much more of this. Turning away, she pushed herself up and padded a few footsteps away. She sat down across the den from Softbreeze, her back facing the she-cat as silent tears ran down her face. What was she supposed to do now? She couldn't leave the den like this, not in front of all the WindClanners and Asylum cats out there. Sitting in this stupid den felt stifling, and felt like she was suffocating in her own emotions. What in Freyja's name was she supposed to do now?

"S-stop... Stop! J-just stop it!!"

Tears pooled down her cheeks as a feeling of dread crept in. "I can't!" Softbreeze cried, digging her short claws into the ground, "I can't like you, so stop making me like you!" The pale molly yowled, but as Nerio turned from her, no doubt with tears, her heart shattered. "I just can't. Asylum have taken everything from me. So just stop messing with my head! I don't know why I like you, okay? I just do! Are you happy now? Was it worth it?! You've taken everything from me including my heart and I don't know how!"

Her head was whirling, and her heart felt ready to explode. "None of this makes sense!" She wailed, "I don't like any of you; I daresay I hate all of you, but I can't hate you! I can't even dislike you!" Her throat clogged up, and she choked on her words. Her emotions were conflicting and jumbling together at an alarming rate and she didn't know what to do. Why was she suddenly no good at words? Why was she failing to communicate proper sentences? It shouldn't be this hard. She should be able to control herself!

So why were her paws carrying her over to Nerio?

Without thinking, Softbreeze's head pushed itself into Nerio's shoulder, as if to comfort them both. Her dark, fluffy tail was placed on top of Nerio's tabby one, and a distant part of her thought this was quite nice. "I don't know why I feel this way, but I do. Tell anyone about this and I'll never speak to you again."