Can't Keep Running Away From Who We Are

The almost constant ray of sunshine of a tom had asked Clovertwist to meet him outside of camp after sunhigh patrol, but now that he had committed to the conversation he knew was going to happen, his stomach was flipping around all over the place. He'd never spoken to any cat about this, not even Olivestone, and generally he told his sister everything. A pang of guilt hit him as he realized he also hadn't told her about the part of it that started his realization. He'd never mentioned to her about meeting Petalpaw on the border, or their race, or the way his words had made Ferretdance flush under his pelt and his insides go weird and mushy.

Shaking his head, he took off across the moors. He had time to kill, and he had to get a run in before he lost all his nerve. As always, moving his body seemed to make his mind work better. The ruddy tom could let his thoughts go along with the wind, and it was always a good way to clear his mind. Although recently, it hadn't been clearing his mind entirely.

When the sun reached it's peak, he headed back, planning to meet up with Clovertwist by the entrance to camp and possibly go for a walk back over the moor.

Clovertwist had been pleasantly surprised by Ferretdance's invitation to get out of camp together later that day. He'd accepted gratefully and without hesitation, thinking little of what significance the outing might possibly come to have for himself and his friend. He was just glad to spend time with his recently named warrior friend and get out of camp, whether it was for a walk, a hunt, or a patrol. The two went their separate ways while Clovertwist headed out with the rest of the sun-high patrol. It was uneventful, albeit a bit slower than the anticipating tom would've preferred, and before long they were returning. He was first in the entrance, though to his surprise Ferretdance wasn't in camp anymore. Ah, well. I'm gonna eat and if he comes back he can just hold his toe beans, Clovertwist decided, feeling mildly perplexed but not overly put-off by his absence.

The silver tabby got a small field mouse and crunched it down quickly, quieting the little void in his stomach. Clovertwist had just begun to groom himself when he spotted Ferretdance's familiar pelt by the camp entrance. The silver tom immediately sat up. "Hey! Welcome back," he greeted from across the camp, and he rose fully to his paws and swiftly trotted over to his fellow warrior. "It's beautiful out there today, huh?" Clovertwist asked cheerfully when he'd closed the gap.

Ferretdance realized he hadn't really managed to work off all of his nervous energy, because it came rushing back as soon as Clovertwist started making his way over to him. He felt a little guilty that he'd kept him waiting. He honestly hadn't realized how long he'd spent on his run. It was thankfully easy to get a happier expression on his face at the greeting from the silver tom, and Ferretdance flicked his tail in greeting.

"Thanks! Yeah, it really is. I got a little carried away on my run. The wind was just so nice." The right wind could put the best speed on a run, and Ferretdance loved getting maximum speed. "You still up for that walk?"

"Been there," Clovertwist chirped with an amused glimmer in his eyes as Ferretdance mentioned losing track while out on the moor. He had been late for a patrol or two because of it; being late to some personal time was nothing to bristle about. He nodded in agreement about the mention of the wind, and then brightened up further as Ferretdance asked if he still cared to walk. "I'll go with or without you!" Clovertwist confirmed, his kinked tail flying up over his back with enthusiasm. Immediately Clovertwist began to lead the way out of camp once more, looking back to make sure Ferretdance wasn't making him look like a total hare-brain.

He was glad Clovertwist understood and wasn't upset with him, although he honestly couldn't have imagined him being so over something so trivial. After all, life was so far from trivial anymore that honestly Ferretdance's worries about his sexuality were just laughable. In the moment, though, faced with finally saying words out loud, he didn't think it was that funny.

"Oi, don't leave me behind!" He laughed, charging after his friend, attempting to be in the moment like he normally was. He flicked his tail at Clovertwist's shoulder as he caught up, putting on some speed to race on ahead.

Thankfully, his companion was close behind and shouting for Clovertwist to wait. "Don't dawdle, then!" he teased. The older warrior chuckled but didn't bother to slow himself because he knew Ferretdance would catch up in a few strides. Sure enough, the russet tom pulled into his peripheral vision and was at his side on the open moor in no time. His companion's tail flicked his shoulder, and suddenly he was pulling ahead. Clovertwist snickered and lengthened his own strides, picking up his own speed to race just behind Ferretdance.

The wind was refreshing; when standing still there was only a gentle breeze, but now as he ran it blew in his face and sand in his ears and made him feel as though he were soaring over the moor grasses. Clovertwist didn't know where they were going, and he didn't care. He was just enjoying the free reign of the fields. He'd find out why Ferretdance asked him out there whenever it came up - and if it didn't come up, well, Clovertwist would pry then.

Ferretdance rarely knew where he was going when he set out from camp and this time was no different. His paws would take him, covering the ground with long strides. He couldn't imagine a life where trees got in the way of this, and he felt sorry for the cats who had never experienced a run without obstacles. As he got to the top of a gentle slope, he slowed and then stopped, taking a moment to catch his breath. Immediately, his thoughts caught up to him, and he knew it was time to just get it over with.

"Did you ever imagine your life when you were an apprentice? Did it look like this?" He asked, looking at his paws as though they had just become very interesting. "I think I always assumed it'd look like pretty much like any other warrior's, but I...don't know..."

Eventually the pair came slowly to a halt at the top of a gently sloping hill. Clovertwist's heart was beating rhythmically, his breath a little faster and deeper - it had been a successful, exercising run, and his legs felt powerful. He looked out over the moors with a content sigh as he continued to catch his breath. At his side, Ferretdance spoke, and Clovertwist turned his silver head to look at his friend. The ruddy tom seemed to be very intently studying the earth; for a moment, Clovertwist glanced down as well, wondering if the tom had seen a beetle or stepped in some ants or something. It seemed not, though. Clovertwist chirped thoughtfully at Ferretdance's question, and after a moment he answered with a playful mrrow, "I used to imagine my tail would be straight once."

Having said his joke, Clovertwist laughed a little more heartily and swished the tangled appendage for emphasis. The question still bounced through his mind, though, and he looked pensively out towards the rest of the Clans' territories. "I guess I was told this was how it would be, but nothing can prepare you for living it like experiencing it yourself," he finally answered. "My sister and I are the only two left of our litter, my little siblings seem keen on driving Aspenheart the rest of the way to weirdness, my dad's gone, and somehow the Gorge is still neutral between us and RiverClan despite everything they've gone through. I don't think I could've dreamed a life like this." He sniffed lightly, taking in the scents drifting over the grasses.

Ferretdance couldn't help the bark of laughter that escaped him at the tail comment. He had definitely made a good choice in choosing Clovertwist to confide in. He was lucky to have been with the other tom when they ran into that goose, something that was still really weird to think. It had been that encounter, though, that had solidified their friendship, and it was so important to him.

"I definitely didn't expect to be living through such turmoil in the Clans. I thought I'd get to be boring and go on patrols and hunt for WindClan, not...have to decide whether or not to defend the notion of love to our dead ancestors." He glanced up, meeting Clovertwist's eyes, "I never really got a chance to tell you how sorry I am about your father." So much had been happening lately, all piled on top of each other. Ferretdance had not personally been close with Barleytuft, but the whole Clan felt his absence like a wound you couldn't quite ignore to let heal.

Although his words were true, he knew he was avoiding the reason he'd even invited Clovertwist out here. He just didn't know how to bridge the gap between the subjects, when one seemed so trivial in comparison.

Clovertwist liked Ferretdance; he'd proven in their first patrol alone together that he was a kind, genuine individual with a good sense of humor. He did his job, but he wasn't totally stuck up and focused on being "maximally efficient" like some warriors could be. He could be real, too, which was why Clovertwist had been more than happy to go on the walk (aside from simply being able to enjoy the lovely weather). Ferretdance laughed, and then once he'd heard Clovertwist's more serious answer he replied with similar sincerity. Clovertwist met the tom's gaze with a sympathetic look, nodding as his friend mentioned their current predicament with the ancestors about whether or not love was a viable pillar to live one's life by.

When the russet tom offered condolences for Barleytuft's death, Clovertwist was surprised, and he glanced away slightly as he replied more breezily than intended, "Oh, it's fine." He grimaced slightly and then looked back at Ferretdance, a look of gratitude and grief on his face. "I mean... Well, thank you. It's weird, having him be gone. I thought I'd be picking ticks off him when he was some bony old elder in the den," Clovertwist admitted, half chuckling at the mental image while trying to block out how bony and frail Barleytuft had been as he succumbed to the illness. "He was always so supportive of me - of everyone, really. He was a great dad." Clovertwist smiled at the memories, happy to, for the moment, push aside the starker subjects.

Ferretdance bumped his shoulder against Clovertwist's, an effort towards comfort without being too serious. He knew what it was like to lose parents, as he and Olivestone had lost both of theirs when they were just kits. And then the cats that had been almost like parents to them as well. Ferretdance was honestly running out of cats that he looked up to. At least he still had Lightfang and Finchstar, although he wasn't as close with their leader as some of the Clan was, he still appreciated the tom who had given him his warrior name. And his mentor was a great cat.

"It's hard losing a father, especially a great one. I wish I'd gotten to know him better." Ferretdance spoke with regret, but tried to turn the conversation around to some cheer, "At least we still have our siblings, and I count myself pretty lucky to have you as a friend."

Clovertwist looked aside gratefully, his smile growing a little, as Ferretdance bumped his shoulder sympathetically. He leaned into the gesture before they both straightened up. His companion spoke more words of condolence and comfort; Clovertwist nodded once, thinking, Dad would've liked you. He probably did anyways. The silver tabby looked aside at Ferretdance again while the tom spoke with gratitude about their siblings and friends. Clovertwist's kinked tail tried to curl with pleasure, but it sort of writhed behind him instead. He paid it no mind, answering, "You're right - we're really lucky to have who we do. I'm really glad we're friends, Ferretdance." He perked up a little further, and he wondered if he might be able to guide his friend back to whatever reason they'd left camp for. "Thanks for inviting me out of camp, by the way. I know I was just out on patrol, but the moor feels different when I'm out because I want to be. It's refreshing."

Ferretdance nodded, the sense of closeness reminding him of why he had asked Clovertwist to accompany him out here in the first place. He had to quit stalling.

"Yeah. I think the entire Clan knows that I'd rather be running on the moors than doing most anything else," his whiskers twitched, "In fact, when I was still an apprentice, I ran into a ShadowClan cat on the border. Uh, we ended up having a race. This feels like a lifetime ago, but it made StarClan's disapproval pretty scary even before it was personal." He remembered being so worried that he would end up punished for his thoughts and feelings, even back at his first gathering. "I just...I couldn't stop thinking about him."

Clovertwist's companion agreed with him warmly, and he could sense by the tone of the tom's voice that he had gotten the hint and was starting to make his way back towards the purpose of the outing. Clovertwist chuckled and nodded in agreement at Ferretdance's statement, thinking, I have a feeling everybody thinks that way. Who wants to be stuck in camp taking care of dens or nests? He listened while his friend recounted one of his first outings while running the moor, a time when he'd had a race with a ShadowClan cat along the border. Clovertwist perked up with interest in the story, and at the mention of StarClan's recent anger he nodded in empathetic acknowledgement. The next thing Ferretdance said, though... There was something hidden in that. Something the silver tabby thought he recognized in the back of his mind. Clovertwist blinked and twitched his tail, then asked casually, "Oh, how come? Did you win by that much?"

Ferretdance blinked, surprised by the question somehow. It kind of pulled him back from his thoughts, which was probably a good thing. His thoughts tended to run a track into his mind, as though they couldn't stop doing circuits any more than he could.

"Well, yeah, I did. But that's not..." He shuffled his paws, suddenly very interested in his claws, "I've never really felt that way about a she-cat. I guess that was my first crush."