When All Else Is Lost

The days since Barleytuft's death had seemed like a blur to Goldengale, the grief heavy. It seemed to weigh on her shoulders, dripping from her pelt like the tears from her eyes. Her tears had stopped in during the vigil that had been held for the senior warrior, but the sorrow remained, cloying her other senses in a way that seemed it would never end. Barleytuft had always been there, especially when her mother was not, and had always been the one she felt she could turn to, even if she decided against it. Regret for all the times she hadn't spoken to him about her feelings haunted her as she lay awake at night, sometimes until the sun began to rise over the horizon - something she turned away from. She had often found herself in the tunnels, time seemed to be distorted there. Night couldn't be differentiated from day, and if she tried hard enough, she could imagine her father walking just steps before her in the darkness, or waiting for her when she finally returned from camp, ready to scold her for going into the tunnels alone. She was met with disappointment every time, even the tom's nest now gone, being removed by the apprentices as if he had never been there.

Sleep had evaded her once more, and she finally forced herself to rise from Grousefrost's side just before sunhigh. She felt selfish for it, but she was grateful that her mate didn't have to hear her cries at night, the restless murmurs that escaped her as she fought for sleep. Keeping her weary eyes turned away from his face, she licked his head once before looking around. If she kept distracting herself, maybe she could pretend everything was okay. Her eyes landed on a familiar pelt, and her heart twisted as she looked at her brother Clovertwist, his tail still bent from his run-in with a dog as an apprentice. Before she even realized it, her paws were carrying her to his side, and she sat next to him, her fur brushing against his lightly. She sat silently for a few heartbeats before she glanced over to him, voice cracking. "H-hey, Clovertwist.... Do... Would you like to go out with me?.... It's been a while..."

Clovertwist had more freedom to grieve than his littermate did, and it showed quite clearly in him. While Goldengale was still mourning the loss of Grousefrost's voice alongside him, Clovertwist had gained a new companion - something like an apprentice, but something... more, too - more like family. Goldengale and Clovertwist had both been devastated by Barleytuft's death, but Goldengale had been held by other obligations - real or imagined - to endure it alone. Clovertwist really wasn't sure how to interact with her, since she was always helping Grousefrost adjust to his deafness, and meeting Mink had been a somewhat welcome distraction from that uncertainty. The young loner tom had helped Clovertwist accept his father's death, even if it still hurt - and would continue to.

Just the day before the two toms had traversed the moors as WindClan cats, and today Clovertwist intended to let Mink rest and mill about camp unless he wanted to do otherwise. The sun was nearly at its peak for the day, each one growing longer as newleaf approached. Clovertwist was looking forward to seeing the heather bushes bloom like his parents had told him they would. The silver tabby warrior sat under the sun, his face to its warmth like the blossoming flowers he now thought of. His kinked tail twitched beside him, as if aware of an approaching presence before he realized it himself. Clovertwist's ears flicked, and his eyes opened just as Goldengale sat beside him, her fur touching his. "Hey, Goldengale," he greeted, unable to suppress his mild surprise.

He was even more surprised when, a moment later, she asked him to leave camp with her. Looking positively overeager, and only half ashamed of it, Clovertwist stood immediately, nodding and answering, "Yeah, of course. I'd love your company. The sky has been beautiful all morning; it's good weather all day." Seeing as his brave and brazen sister still seemed subdued, Clovertwist took it on himself to take the lead, leading the way at a gentle pace out of camp.

Clovertwist's surprise didn't shock her, she had been distant from most cats for far longer than she had ever dreamed she would be. His expression brightened further as she requested his company, and a layer of grief seemed to be swept from the top of the pile that was trying to crush her - even through it all and the distance that she had been keeping, her littermate would still be there. A welcome relief as Clovertwist led the way out of camp, Goldengale took the chance to enjoy the sun, the wind, and her company. She smiled softly as she followed her brother, relishing in the chance to simply follow. As the pair walked over the territory, she picked up her pace to walk next to her brother. "Where are we heading, brother? Do you have a spot in mind?" Her blue eyes were still dull, but a small spark was in them that hadn't been even just moments ago. Was this the first step towards healing? Had she been missing out on this all along? What else had she missed?

The sunlight was just a bit cooler outside of camp without the gorse wall the shield its inhabitants from the winds, but Clovertwist didn't mind it. The moor, still half-frozen, sprung and crunched under his paws and the paws of his sister a short distance behind him. It was a pleasing sound to him. After a short stint of simply walking in a straight line away from camp, Goldengale moved closer, joining Clovertwist at his side. He turned his head to look at her with a smile and a warm expression. She asked where they were going. "Nothing specific," Clovertwist admitted, "but I've been checking around the flower fields since the snows started slowing down. The older warriors say newleaf is coming. I wanna see the first bloom, when it comes." He chuckled a little, his kinked tail held tall and content over his back.

The nights were still dipping into bitter cold temperatures that left the early mornings frosted, but before sun-high the world was always thawed again. It was unlikely that any blooms existed yet because of the bitter nights, though. Clovertwist continued to move along an imaginary path towards the sprawling fields where flowers were known to bloom. Skeletons of unflowered bushes stretched out along with clumps of withered, dormant grass. There were rabbit runs in the grass criss-crossing everywhere. Clovertwist smiled as he looked around. "Not today, I guess," he mused, though he didn't sound disappointed.

Clovertwist's smile and the warmth in his eyes kept Goldengale warm despite the chilly wind as he admitted not having anywhere specific in mind, but at the mention of the flower fields Goldengale smiled. "Sounds good to me! That sounds like a wonderful plan. Maybe we'll see it together!" She mused, brushing her tail against her brother's as he chuckled. As the two reached the barren fields, Clovertwist pausing to look around, Goldengale hesitated as well. Her eyes surveyed the area, finding no blossoms among the dead, twisted branches and stems of the bushes and plants that would someday hold them. "I suppose not... But recoveries take time. Some of the flowers will return sooner than others." Her paw gently nudged a green sprout among the yellow and brown ones, bending to gently touch her nose to the new life. Her head remained lowered as her eyes welled with tears before she mewed quietly.

"Clovertwist, I'm... I'm sorry. I'm sorry I haven't spent the time with you that I should have.. That I didn't spend the time with Dad... I was so afraid of what could happen, of what had happened, that I refused to look at what was happening when it was happening... And I was so certain that he would be okay... That everything would be okay... But.... Nothing's been okay Clovertwist.... Not since Quailpaw disappeared.... Every time I think things will be alright, something else happens.... We're the only ones left for mom, Clovertwist.... And even then, she won't even look me in the eyes. I don't know how to help Grousefrost.... How do you teach a cat a whole new way of living without him being able to hear? I'm lost, Clovertwist.... I don't know what to do." Exhausted, Goldengale's legs gave out under her and she fell, nose only a whisker length from the sprout she had found.

Though Clovertwist wasn't particularly surprised by Goldengale's agreeable response to seeing the Flower Fields, he was relieved nonetheless to see her smile and hear a little enthusiasm in her voice again. It was a shame that leaf-bare hadn't quite lost its grip on the field yet, but he held onto that glimmer of hope that it would soon. Goldengale expressed understanding of the barren fields, promising that the flowers would return - some more quickly than others. Clovertwist nodded, casting his gaze around with a look of serenity in his eyes. "I can't wait to see what grows," the young tom stated fervently, imagining the field spattered with color. He noticed Goldengale kept her head lowered after examining a plant, and he looked at her just as she softly spoke his name and apologized. "Sorry? What for?" Clovertwist asked with mild surprise.

He couldn't have guessed what she was going to say, and his eyes widened with dismay as his elder sister began to unload worry upon worry, grief after fear after sorrow. Clovertwist was stunned into silence for a moment. Oh, stars, no wonder she's so withdrawn, he realized again with a jolt of sympathy. He had suspected so many of these things, but to hear them spoken was bitter, yet it explained so much. As Goldengale vented her fears, he watched her with sad pale amber eyes, saddened by all the things she said. Of course the two siblings had thought the same thing of their father: that he would recover, and that things would be okay. Clovertwist was struck by the mention of Quailpaw and how his death seemed to have been the catalyst for things to start going wrong for the littermates and their loved ones. He'd never thought it himself, but it certainly seemed accurate now that the suggestion had been made.

Clovertwist listened until she'd run out of words to say, and then a moment later he watched her with a mild sense of alarm as she slumped to the ground in a heap of golden tabby fur and tears. "Oh, Golden... Gold, sis... It's okay. It'll be okay." The tom moved to her side immediately, resting his kinked tail over her haunches and crouching down so their fur was brushing - silver and gold, precious to each other, similar yet different. She had been so crushed under the weight of her responsibilities while Clovertwist was free, comparatively. His only responsibility lay with his apprentices and his friends. Clovertwist began to groom Goldengale's neck, murmuring, "It's okay, Golden. You're not lost - see? You're right here. Right in the Flower Field, with me."

As he continued grooming her, he continued, "I know - I know that's not what you meant, but... I'm not lost. Not here, not anywhere. If I'm not lost, then you don't have to be lost - not when we're together. We'll help get you un-lost together, okay? We... We can work through it. Through everything. I'm sorry you've been going through so much. You're way stronger than any cat I know to have dealt with it by yourself for so long. You don't need to, though." He leaned away to look at his sister's face, wondering what he would see there. He reached one paw forward to lay it on hers, eyes searching. "I... I could have been there for you, too, but I wasn't. It was as much on me as you, but we're here now, right? So... So let's work it out." He pressed the side of his head to hers and waited for an answer.

Her stomach twisted in regret as she realized just how much she had unloaded onto Clovertwist, but before she could apologize for anything he was by her side, crouched down next to her. Their pelts brushed together, and she recalled the days as kits and apprentices, before everything had gone so horribly wrong. Turning and burying her face in the fur at her brother's shoulder, she took comfort in his presence and feeling of him grooming her neck. She remained still aside from the sobs that still shook her frame as Clovertwist spoke, his voice a soothing balm to the raw emotion that had come from her. Clovertwist wasn't lost... He was always stronger than she was, more sure of his steps. Even while he was healing from the dog attack, he had kept his good nature and kept trying until trying became doing. Together.... Her and Clovertwist.... Together..... Alone. No, no, focus, together. How can you be alone with the whole clan around you? She had Clovertwist, Grousefrost, Crowspirit.... All of her grandkits.... Together.

"I don't.... Feel strong, Clovertwist.... I feel really weak... Like no matter how hard I try to be sure in my path, something else comes to change it again." Clovertwist pulled back, placing a paw on hers, and her head rose to meet his eyes, tears still leaking down her cheeks. "We are here though.... Together... You're right. I'm sorry to ask so much of you Clovertwist.... But.... Let's start working together again?" She sniffled, blinking a couple times as she tried to clear her eyes of the tears that kept gathering in them.

There would have been silence if not for his sister's trembling sobs breaking through despite her best efforts to silence them. Clovertwist said nothing, giving her a moment to process, and her defeated words that followed made him frown a little, at a loss. Thankfully, she seemed to take note of his final words: they were together. They would be together as long as their lives would allow. Clovertwist nodded and pressed his forehead to the side of Goldengale's head, answering certainly, "Anytime, sis. Always. We're here now. We can be a team whenever." He paused for a few moments to let the sincerity of his words hopefully sink in, and then he pulled his head away from his sister's again. "So... let's think of what we can try to do so you don't need to be so alone," he suggested gently, "and so I can be there for you."

Always. The word echoed in her head as she nodded, pressing her cheek against his forehead as he pressed it against her. When he pulled away, she looked towards him, tears having streaked her face but her eyes were a little brighter, a spark behind them that hadn't been there before. "Well... I've been sleeping close to the medicine den with Grousefrost at night... Maybe I can convince him to move back towards the middle of camp again with everyone else, rather than linger on the edges still? I know he hasn't because he feels he doesn't deserve the spot, but.... I think it would help us both." It had been a while since she had felt a pelt other than Grousefrost's brush hers at night, and she missed sleeping with everyone sprawled through the camp. "We could also come out here together once in a while, and just talk? Maybe every half moon, we can check on the flowers and talk about everything?" She mewed, her voice lifting and sounding a little hopeful at the thought.

Clovertwist was relieved that she looked up to meet his gaze despite the sadness shining in the depths of her eyes. She seemed thoughtful, and that was all Clovertwist could hope for. He listened intently as she considered her usual sleeping arrangements and suggested moving herself and her mate back towards the group. The silver tabby nodded his head a few times in agreement with the idea, wondering how he might be able to make sleeping in the middle of camp more comfortable for him. He probably wouldn't want every cat crowding around him, but perhaps he'd accept his mate's brother? Clovertwist looked back to Goldengale as she made another suggestion, this one something he could certainly do. He leaned sideways against his sister, pressing his fur against hers.

"That sounds great, Golden. We used to talk all the time, but we both got so busy... I think we can do better. I think we can make the time. Heck, we'll bring Grouse and just talk around him if we have to," Clovertwist joked. He chuckled, but slowly the laugh died out as he thought. He asked Goldengale, "Joking aside, how, uh... How's he doing? Has he been trying to talk, or learn signals, or anything? He seems to understand you okay without you saying a word."

Clovertwist seemed accepting of the idea of her convincing Grousefrost to move back toward the center of camp at night, but his enthusiasm really seemed to spark when she mentioned a regular meeting. A small smile formed on her face as her brother joked, and she nodded. "I agree. Things have certainly been busy... We lost sight of each other. I think we can definitely do that." Her eyes dropped as he asked about her mate, and she sighed. "He hasn't talked at all, but I have the feeling that he can - he just doesn't want to not hear his own voice. As far as signals... I've been attempting to come up with some, but ever since his patrol with Finchstar when he was attacked by a hawk he's been fully set against not leaving camp. I hope that with more time he'll relax again, I don't know of these signals work without being able to show him
..." She rose her eyes back to her brothers again. "For the most part, he does understand me. But recently that understanding has been simple things, like 'Ill be back soon' or 'I'm going to go get prey for us', things like that. Nothing... Substantial, I guess. I'm still trying though, he may have given up on himself but I'll go to the Dark Forest before I give up on him."

Clovertwist, unfortunately, wasn't too comforted by Goldengale's response to his mention of Grousefrost. The way she drooped gripped his heart in painful talons, and he leaned aside to show her his support. He listened intently while she explained what Grousefrost had been going through and what she'd experienced alongside him. Clovertwist sighed softly and thought, I wish he didn't have to worry about the sky here on the moors. He nodded along while Goldengale shared her thoughts - her observations, her hopes, her determination - and his amber eyes gazed proudly into hers. "I've always thought you were better than anyone deserved to have as a mate," Clovertwist told her, chuckling slightly. "Grousefrost is lucky to have you to support him. I'm not sure every cat would be willing to go through what you two are together." His tail twitched, and he mumbled thoughtfully, "I don't suppose he can tunnel? He wouldn't be at risk from the birds, but... I mean, I guess he couldn't hear water dripping or a collapse." He shrugged slightly and said, "I know I'm not really much of a tunneler, but you... used to be. What if he didn't lead tunneling patrols? Could he still go?"

Clovertwist's support was more welcome and reassuring than Goldengale could ever voice, and as he sighed softly she found herself sighing as well. He pulled back, looking at her with pride, something that surprised her. She chuckled along at his comment, relaxing further. "I'm happy to hear you say that, Clovertwist, it means a lot. I would do anything for that tom, even if he's a rabbitbrain sometimes...." As her brother mentioned tunneling, she tilted her head thoughtfully. "I had initially dismissed the idea because of what you said, he couldn't hear water or a collapse.... But when you're tunneling you often feel as much, if not more, than you hear. Like you said, he wouldn't have to worry about birds, and with the tunnels narrowed to keep predators out after the whole... Situation moons ago, they should be relatively safe, especially if there's another cat leading. That's a really good idea, Clovertwist, thank you! I'll have to... Well, try to get him to understand it."

She rose to her paws, legs shaking slightly from their time curled under her. "Thank you, Clovertwist, this was really nice. I enjoyed it, a lot.... And it helped more than I could ever explain to you. We'll have to come back soon and see if the flowers have bloomed! We should head back, I have to tell Grousefrost about the tunnel idea you had!" She purred, paws kneading the ground in excitement. "He always loved tunneling, maybe getting back into it will be really good for him." She butt her head to her brother's shoulder gently and smiled at him. "Thanks again, Clovertwist. Next time we won't wait so long."

Clovertwist's pale amber eyes sought Goldengale's as she tilted her head to consider the questionable suggestion he'd made. She seemed thoughtful, and as she mentioned that tunneling relied on feeling almost as much as hearing Clovertwist nodded along in agreement and understanding. He grimaced at the mention of the beast-cat "situation" that had occurred at the beginning of leaf-bare, remembering not for the first time that he had nearly lost Goldengale to the mange-pelts and the tunnels. He edged slightly sideways so his side pressed more firmly into hers, comforting himself with the knowledge that she'd survived - even if she was forever changed. "Maybe whoever leads can have some kind of signal with their tail to give him more information about what's ahead," Clovertwist suggested, "like by tapping him once from the left or right." He nodded in agreement with Goldengale: they had to try to get Grousefrost to understand it, but if he did, he may be able to feel useful again.

Goldengale began to rise, and Clovertwist rose beside her, touching his crimped tail to hers. She thanked him and he blinked slowly, his eyes warm and relieved and grateful. "We'll come back very soon! They're close - I can feel it. Things have to get better soon. Things will grow green again like they always have." He nodded when she suggested they get back, grinning at the mention of how much Grousefrost had always loved tunneling. "He'll be that old efficient grump again in no time," Clovertwist meowed, snickering. He dipped his head to nuzzle Goldengale as she headbutted his shoulder and purred, "No we won't. We'll wait just the right amount of time." He chuckled and began to move away, back towards camp, a feeling of warmth and wholeness in his heart.

Everything would be okay... They still had each other.