Grudges and Confessions

”Hey, Flintshard, can I speak to ya?” Asterstrike meowed, approaching his son from behind. He knew he needed to tell someone in authority about what he had done, and he had planned on telling Thornstar. However, after learning that the kits she carried were not his — instead, they belonged to the RiverClan leader — he had been doing his best to avoid her. He hardly even talked to the cat he still hopelessly loved, but otherwise thoroughly disliked, only nodding to her on occasion only out of respect for her role as leader of ShadowClan.

He still knew he needed to come clean with the sins he had committed when he murderer Lightpaw. Yet, he didn’t want to approach Thornstar about it. Instead, he had decided to bring this to his son and ShadowClan’s deputy. He was more than certain Flintshard would be very disappointed in him at best, but he still needed to get this off his chest, before StarClan decided to tell Mothglow first. ”It’s gotta be somewhere private, though. Walk with me?”

Flintshard blinked at the sound of his father's voice, halting in his steps as he turned to look at him. It had been a while since he had spoken with Asterstrike, their duties kept them busy and Flintshard wasn't one for seeking out conversation in the first place. He titled his head at the fact that it was a private conversation, wondering what was so important that they spoke away from prying ears...Well, he suppose he would learn of it soon enough. "Of course, Asterstrike. Lead the way," he meowed, dipping his head to the gray tom.

"Heh, cool," the old tom meowed, shooting a lazy smile at his son before leading the way out of camp. Together, father and son padded through the snowy marshes of ShadowClan territory in silence, waiting until they were quite a distance away from curious ears before stopping in his tracks. He heaved a heavy sigh. "Alright, I think we've walked far enough. I won't delay this any longer, I know you've got things you need to get back to." Asterstrike turned to face Flintshard, his mismatched eyes staring intensely into the deputy's yellow ones. It was obvious to the younger tom he was trying not to show any emotion that would render him vulnerable.

"You ... You remember when ThunderClan's deputy killed your uncle Poppyheart?" he began, averting his gaze for a few moments before looking back at Flintshard. He had to see this through to the end. He no longer had a choice. "That ... wasn't true. You remember Lightpaw, right? Cardinalcry's daughter? She was the one who killed him. She had staged it to look like Beartooth had been the one who killed him, but I saw her adding those two additional scars into his throat."

Now came the terribly hard part. He hesitated, mentally psyching himself up to tell the deputy the last bit of his confession. Taking in another deep breath to calm himself, he continued. "I didn't tell anyone because, well, Poppyheart was my brother. I felt obligated to avenge him; I had a feeling Thornstar would have only banished him at best, and that wasn't good enough for a dirty brother killer. So ... on the day of the Gathering ... I killed Lightpaw. I had been planning on telling Thornstar about what I had done after the Gathering, but then...." A soft growl rose in his throat, being forced to once again remember what had been revealed a couple nights ago.

The growl stopped just as suddenly as it started, and he lowered his head to Flintshard. While he was still his son, he was also his deputy, and thus his higher up. "I know what you must think of me, Flintshard. I don't think I was thinking straight that day, I was just so upset. I don't regret avenging Poppyheart, but I do regret not letting you and Thornstar handle it better than I did."

Flintshard slowly trudged after his father, ears remaining perk and on watch as they padded through the territory until Asterstrike had apparently decided that they had gone far enough to have this...Talk. The deputy's gaze had been focused on the surrounding areas as Asterstrike turned and started to talk...But his full attention was grabbed the moment that his father mentioned Poppyheart. ...There was no denying that he did remember that day, the confusion of waking up to a camp in chaos, Mothglow shouting at Thornstar and Lynxscar as he pulled himself from the medicine cat's den only to see his uncle's fallen form off to the side...Realizing what had transpired and later learning the details of what had happened. His death had been...Unsettling, if anything because it had marked the first point that Flintshard had gotten an idea of the grief that smothered others and he was unnerved by the fact that perhaps he wasn't as emotionless as he had thought - that perhaps...Perhaps he could feel that pain worst and he didn't know what to do with that information.

He however chose to hold his tongue as Asterstrike went on, this time bringing up Lightpaw. It...Seemed an almost laughable question - did he know her. Of course he did - Lightpaw was his apprentice. ...But she had been missing for a while, nobody having an answer of where she had gone or any idea what could have happened. But at the mention that it had been Lightpaw who had killed Poppyheart... Flintshard's gaze grew cold as he numbly listened to his uncle's explanation of events, of how Lightpaw had staged it to seem like it was Beartooth's doing and how Asterstrike had taken things into his own paws and had killed her.

"...Lightpaw killed Poppyheart," he finally uttered as his father fell silent, the words soft and almost disbelieving for a moment. His muzzle twitched as a faint, rare growl started to rise in his throat as he turned sharply and started to pace back and forth. "My own apprentice! Why would she ever - what would drive her to do such a thing?" he questioned sharply, more to himself than his father - Asterstrike wouldn't have the answers he sought. Then he paused, gaze slowly turning back to look at the warrior. "...And you killed her. Lightpaw is dead." That...He wasn't sure his feelings on that. The cold anger that he felt rising toward his apprentice took solace and pride in that fact - she had gotten what justice she deserved. She had killed her own Clanmate, for what? What did she - would what she have ever gotten out of slaying Poppyheart? But...What justice had been done? Poppyheart was gone. Still gone.

...He didn't doubt Asterstrike's story - why would he lie about such thing? What would he gain about having killed Lightpaw and admitting it if it wasn't the truth? So had he made a mistake? Made a mistake in what he had taught Lightpaw, had she taken his injury to heart and that made her act out but why against Poppyheart? "...Well," Flintshard huffed. "...I expect you realize that I will have to tell the Clan about this - they will question what happened to Lightpaw in time if we don't and they all deserve the truth. Poppyheart..." he drifted off for a second, glancing away. "...Poppyheart was something, to be sure. But he was loved. By all of us. But... I will have to speak to Thornstar if there is any punishment - you...Did kill a Clanmate, even if she...Deserved it. But I stand with you, Asterstrike. The scales were even, Lightpaw deserved such a fate for such a cruel act. ...I do not expect Cardinalcry will take this well. She has already lost so much but such is the way of the world."

”Heh.... Yeah, Cardinalcry’s probably gonna hate my guts forever after hearin’ about this.” A part of him felt stung knowing the cat who had once been a friend and fellow exile would soon detest him and everything he stood for. But he did kill her daughter; he would be surprised and even concerned if she didn’t end up hating him after this.

Listening on at what Flintshard had to say brought a small smile to his face. Even after killing not just a Clanmate, but his own apprentice, his son would still stand by him. It was certainly more than he deserved, but he was definitely grateful nonetheless. ”I appreciate it, Flintshard. Thank you for listening to what I had to say. I know to expect punishment for my crimes, and I will do just that. There is one last thing I want to discuss with you, though.”

Asterstrike settled down to a sit, wincing a little at the discomfort in his hips. The pressure to his hindquarters had become almost unbearable standing still for as long as he had. ”I’ve done all I can for this Clan. Heh, I’m a lazy cat by nature, but I’ve still done everything I could to protect my Clanmates. Funny thing is, I still want to. But....” He shuffled uncomfortably where he sat, resisting the urge to lay down, knowing it would be a little painful getting back up. ”After I’ve served whatever punishment you as Thornstar have in store for me, I wish to retire to the elders’ den. My body just can’t seem to keep up with me anymore.”

Flintshard had fallen silent, trying to even start gauging what Cardinalcry's reaction would be - he couldn't even begin to start to try to grasp what she would feel. Emotions had never been his strong suit, perhaps once he wouldn't think twice about telling her of such things - such is the way of the world...But he had gotten a taste of what sorrow felt like, even if he knew his feelings was much...Lighter than whatever Cardinalcry would feel. Anger, despair...It was hard to guess. It would just not go well.

His gaze fell back to his father as Asterstrike spoke up, explaining his wish to ...Retire. Huh. Flintshard blinked at that, having perhaps almost forgotten that such a thing was an option, that they weren't all meant to die cruel and unfair deaths...That there was perhaps a reward of rest if one managed to survive as long as Asterstrike had. "...Very well," he said with a whisker twitch, nodding his head. "I'll be sure to bring that up with Thornstar. I'll speak to her about this all when I give my daily report, together we can discuss how to...Explain the truth to the rest of the Clan and decide a punishment for you if such is deemed fit." He fell silent, glancing down at his paws as he suddenly found himself unsure of what to say. His gaze searched the ground as if it would give him any answers of what words to speak.

"I...I am sorry things turned out this way, Asterstrike. Lightpaw was my apprentice, I should have...I should have known. Poppyheart was a good man. I...I do miss him. I wish this wasn't how things had turned out. The world is cruel but...I don't think even I could account for such tragedies to occur."

Asterstrike stepped up to Flintshard’s side in an instant. He knew his kits weren’t the most affectionate cats in ShadowClan, so he only briefly pressed his muzzle against his son’s shoulder comfortingly. ”Don’t blame yourself for another cat’s actions, Flintshard. And don’t feel like you should have known right from the start, either. Heh, if I hadn’t seen what Lightpaw had done during the war, I still would’ve believed Beartooth to have been Poppyheart’s killer. She had everyone fooled, not just you. It ain’t your fault, so don’t go thinkin’ you should be held accountable in any regard.” He gave the deputy’s fur a quick rasp with his tongue. ”You are a fine deputy, and a fine cat in your own right. I am very proud of you, just as I am with all my kits.”

Oh, yeah. That had been another thing he had wanted to ask in regards to his elder ceremony. Mentioning kits had reminded him of Thornstar, and by extension his own name. He had chosen to name himself after her fallen brother to honor her as his mate. However, after all that had happened, he didn’t feel like the name Asterstrike suited him anymore. He had always missed his old name anyway, but now he would give nearly anything to have it back. ”Hey, uh, one last favor I wanna ask of you: if you’re the one holding my retirement ceremony, do ya think you could ... change my name back to Asterspark? That’s what my name had been before I had been banished. I wouldn’t expect you to know, though, seein’ as how you only ever knew your old tom as Sans and Asterstrike, heh.”

Flintshard huffed at Asterstrike attempted to stress that it wasn't his fault - that nobody could have seen it coming. It...It was perhaps true. He had been stuck in Mothglow's den for such a long while, their training had halted but it was so close to being complete before... But why? He failed to come with any idea, to grasp what Lightpaw's goal could have been in slaying Poppyheart. He was a good cat - why would Lightpaw ever be driven to...? ...No, there was no reason to dwell on it anymore. It was done, justice had been met. He blinked at the feeling of a tongue, freezing underneath his father's effort to support him. If it had been any other cat, he would have drawn away - he wasn't fond of touching unless it was in the clear decision to...Cuddle. But Asterstrike was family.

...Or, Asterspark? Flintshard glanced over at his father as he brought up the mention of his name, recalling when he had requested the shift. He had heard the mention of his previous name rarely, but had gathered the reason of why Asterstrike had chosen that... After all, he had met Sootstrike at the moonstone those moons ago. "...Alright," he finally said, before he paused at that. "...Yes, I do assume I will be the one doing it. Thornstar is in no shape to do ceremonies with expecting her kits. I will keep that request of your in mind, Asterstrike," he said simply with a nod of his head.