Empty but Not Ending [closed]

The nest was practically empty now; a few small containers and miscellaneous nesting materials were still strewn here and there with white leaves and odd sticks on the ledges in the fresh-kill room, but the home that Marmalade had come to know and appreciate over the last four moons was not the same anymore. Sue and Sharon had removed almost everything the day before, and more of it was being shuffled out by the minute. The kittypets in the neighborhood informed Marmalade this would be the day: the twolegs were "moving" and leaving the forest behind... and they were taking Marmalade and Arno with them.

At first Marmalade hadn't been certain - what if the twolegs left the former forest cats to fend for themselves? - but during the time after the truth about the move had been revealed, the she-cat had begun to piece together that Sue and Sharon were keeping an even closer eye on Arno and Marmalade than before. When twoleg sleeping items disappeared into the odd hollow containers, many of Marmalade's things were packed in the same ones. She began to accept the fact that wherever the twolegs were going, they seemed to plan on Marmalade coming with them at least.

That knowledge accepted, the day before had sparked Marmalade's desperate last-moment dash to ThunderClan to say a final heartbroken goodbye to Mossbloom, and part of the kittypet feared they might be gone when she returned. That had not happened, though; she had returned at night and the twolegs had welcomed her with almost a panic, like queens fretting over a lost kit. When the twolegs retired to sleep for the night they nuzzled Marmalade goodnight, and to her amusement and pleasure she saw them seek out Arno to try to offer him affection as well. Then off they went.

Now the final day had dawned, and all the doors and windows to the nest were opened to let a brisk leaf-bare breeze come through. Marmalade sat on the stone slab outside the gap in the twoleg nest wall, gazing out wistfully over the backyard and into the forest beyond. The sound of a soft tinkling behind her, however, caused her to turn her head. Her dark amber eyes landed on Arno - well, mostly his new collar. It wasn't pale and ruffly like hers, but a patch of red striped pelt rested around his neck to brush his shoulders and chest at all times. Marmalade's gaze was sympathetic as she mowed, "I'm sorry - maybe they'll take it off of you at our new nest?"

ooc; Arno's Collar (the bandana)

Arno pondered the strange situation he had found himself in for many sunrises. Now that his debt to SkyClan had been, in his own mind, repayed, there was nothing left in the forest to call his own. Firflower would be fine. Cardinalpaw and his brothers had clans of their owns. Perhaps by now, they even had families. He had no doubt that one day he would meet them again in the stars. Marmalade seemed to think the same thing. Family was not what he once thought it was. It was not a strong, unbroken chain from blood to blood, pelt to pelt. Nor was it the honor of serving a clan and fighting for their lives. It was love. It was a chosen love that bound him to others, and that chosen love bound him to Marmalade and encouraged him to follow her wherever these odd hairless things were taking them. He chose to love his siblings enough to let them ago. He chose to love SkyClan and Starlord as things that he would have to leave behind. He was nobody's. He was Arno.

That's why the collar made him so uneasy, he decided. It was a symbol of being bound. But it was alright for the move, so no stray twoleg would scoop him up and take him away. It said that he was untouchable. And untouchable he felt, watching the trees of the forest sway and lift. There was something much grander about the twoleg nests that leaping through trees couldn't capture. It was not just the friendly face that convinced him to go, but the promise of more adventure to find. No need for stoicism and pride. He was a heathen loner now, indulging in his own vices. He had never been allowed to do that before. It was the amazing thing about living for one's own self.

He chuckled a little as she mentioned the dastardly object that hung from his shoulders. "Don't worry about it. I'll just throw a fit when we get to the new nest and they'll take it right off. That's what happened when they let out the little monster, remember?" Arno remembered with a shudder his second night in the nest. They grabbed hold of a terrible monster the size of a dog and let it prowl across the soft, pelt-like part of the floor, sucking up hair and string. He didn't come out from underneath their sitting-place for the rest of the night. "Now they just stick me in their sleeping spot."

Arno leaped down off the slab and rolled around on the soft grass of the backyard, letting the scent pile up on his pelt. He wanted to wean himself off of it on the long ride in the monster's belly. Maybe that would help the nostalgia settle. There might have been no cats and no forest where they were going. "Do you remember when they looked in the magic window last night?" he asked as he sat up and shook off the excess grass. Often, the pair of twolegs would curl up on the sitting-place and look through a window. It reminded him of StarClan visions must have looked like to the medicine cats. "Did you see the size of those nests? They were... wow. They were taller than any tree I have ever seen in my life. What if that's where we're going? They didn't even have forests, just that great big clearing. And there were monsters everywhere!" The tom laughed, albeit nervously. "Are you scared like I am?"

Marmalade's sympathetic suggestion was met with a laugh, and that made her feel a little better. Moons ago Arno might have clawed his neck bare trying to remove such an odd accessory; secretly, Marmalade thought it looked quite good on him. As the tom suggested having a tantrum to get the twolegs to remove it, however, Marmalade laughed in turn, her whiskers quivering with amusement. "I'll never forget - our twolegs are quick learners, at least," she replied. She flicked her golden ears half self-consciously at her phrasing: "our twolegs". Regardless of the fact that Arno had accepted the move and the collar for the duration of it, it was a bit different than accepting ownership. In fact, Marmalade knew they didn't own him. They wouldn't wish to, for one, but most importantly, Arno owned himself.

The golden kittypet's dark eyes watched intently as her companion leapt into the yard for what might be the last time. Immediately the creamy tom was down on his belly, rolling in the grass and burying thin blades of green in his pelt. Marmalade smiled affectionately as she observed, sitting contentedly in the silence but feeling the electric buzz of change on the horizon, prickling her fur. She looked at Arno again as he asked her a question and sat up, shaking loose grass from his pelt. Marmalade nodded, thinking about the magic window with the same confusion, awe, and fascination that she always did. She had come to think of it quite like Arno did, though they'd never communicated it: they reminded her of visions from StarClan. They were really quite soothing, and Marmalade liked to lay on the tall ledges and watch the sceneries change in the frame.

Marmalade remembered quickly what Arno was referring to and listened again with greater interest, nodding thoughtfully along. When his voice broke with a nervous laugh, however, the golden tabby felt some of the emotional tension surface. The kittypet shuffled her paws, her charms jingling softly. "I am scared," Marmalade admitted softly, looking at Arno with a sheepish expression before looking out over his head and over the wooden wall, over to the distant forest beyond. She continued, "I'm scared of what I may not find in our new home that I will have chosen to leave behind. I wonder if... I wonder if it will be farther away than the lake was, when the flood washed the Clans away. I wonder if StarClan will see me there. What's worse is that I, well, I'm not really sure which would be better: for them and the whole forest to forget me, or for them to still be there... to help guide me home when the stars call me."

She looked back at Arno again and half-smiled, asking, "Isn't that strange? They could take us to a place with no trees, or no grass, or dogs, or twoleg kits, or the cutter's, but I... I know they won't. Wherever we're going to be, we're going to spend the rest of our lives with all the nest material we could want and all the food we ask for - even if it's a little slimy and strange and times - and protection from all the elements and, most likely, a beautiful yard with a beautiful view." Marmalade sighed, her shoulders slumping slightly. She trusted Sue and Sharon to treat them well; why, then, was she doubting that StarClan would stay with her?

Arno nodded along as she spoke, leaping back onto the stone to sit by her side. To watch her finally choose herself over any silly "destiny" or wider purpose was good to see. He felt that she finally understood the world as he saw it. It was that understanding that bound them to each other in a world where it was not possible. That's why they really had to go. All their lives otherwise they would be faced with the guilt of wanting to return to a place that would both welcome them back and scold them for leaving. It was like he had told Cardinalcry. There was no such thing as good or bad, only happiness and unhappiness. If he continued to do things for the happiness of other cats, where would that leave them? At the end of it all, Arno hoped Leaftwirl had been happy. He hoped the kit she had returned home to see mourned her well. He hoped that SkyClan was moving on without him, as well as the entire forest. He had absolved himself of responsibility. No matter what any cat thought of him for it, there was no denying his happiness and liberty. At last, it was all he ever could have wanted. His days of wild adventuring would continue as long as he wanted, until he was too slow to run and too weak to climb. Then, finally, he would rest in a twoleg's nest with Marmalade. Home at last.

"We don't scold frogs for hopping or fish for swimming," he quoted, "So we shouldn't scold wayward cats for wandering. Besides, it's not so bad. The moon doesn't go away when you go too far from the forest. Maybe every half moon, you can say hello to StarClan. Wish them well. You know?" Arno looked up at the top of Sharon and Sue's nest, where he had often perched while waiting for Marmalade to come out into the yard. He would never climb it again, but that was okay. Where they were going, nests might be bigger, taller, and even more difficult to scale. His days of being cheered on by twoleg kits were far from over.

The moments where he wondered if this was the right decision to make came less and less often over the last few sunrises. Arno watched the treeline and often wondered what his clanmates were doing at that very moment, a sense of longing tugging at his battered heart. He did not feel the longing anymore, but he still wondered. Maybe there were more kits again. Had Sunflower moved on after Leaftwirl passed? Spottedstar had a mate, Murkpelt. Did they have a litter on the way? It was comforting to remember that they, too, would move on without him. It was a beautiful thought indeed. Each life mattered. His life did, too. Relearning that crucial fact was the most difficult part of his journey.

Arno heard shuffling inside as Sue and Sharon both woke up and swallowed dryly. "It's almost time, isn't it, Marmalade?"

Marmalade wasn't allowed to ruminate in her grief for long. Arno spoke again, and the wisdom that he shared could have come from StarClan itself. She turned and looked at him with a warm, impressed, and admiring expression as he defended the right right of wayward cats to wander. Even as her whiskers twitched at his surprising thoughtfulness. He had always been a philosophical tom, hadn't he? Always thinking. The thoughts he explored were so much different now than they ever could have been in SkyClan. Different territory, same moon, same sky. Marmalade narrowed her eyes thoughtfully, and she had no argument; it was the truth. It had been the same moon at the lake shore upon which she once lived. She had spoken to StarClan there, and they had spoken to her.

Their starry ancestors had not visited the former SkyClan medicine cat in any dreams or visions or even omens since she had left SkyClan. It made sense; they had dismissed her from the path, and she had taken her leave with what seemed like their blessing. Perhaps Marmalade had left her days as an interpreter of the stars in the forest. Perhaps not. Only time would tell. For the first time in her life, though, she felt no need to wait for a sign that she was making the right choice. She had done so much waiting; she had hesitated too many times. She owed it to herself, and to all the cats who had allowed and encouraged her to get to where she was, to not stop now. Arno helped... Even agreeing to stay in one place long enough to move with the twolegs and herself, Marmalade knew he would never settle down completely. They'd have a whole new home he could explore.

And Marmalade... Marmalade didn't know what to expect. She would likely explore the nest with Arno, and the space around, but he would go far. He would return - that was something else she knew about him - but he would be content to wander freely. As for her, well, she could rely on Arno, and she could rely on Sue and Sharon. As for everything else, she'd have to wait and see. She prayed for herbs; another yard, beautiful like this one. She prayed for kindly neighborhood cats and few dogs and well-behaved twoleg kits. Most of all she prayed for peace. She prayed for the peace to love what was available to her, and to live the best life she could live in the places she would go. She prayed to release her fears, and to someday forgive herself for what she had put SkyClan and Spottedstar through. His name still rang mournfully, wistfully in her thoughts. She would never voice that feeling to anyone, least of all Arno.

The golden tabby turned her head to gaze inside alertly as the sound of the twolegs shifting in their nest drifted to the outside. They had awakened. The same feeling settled over both former SkyClan cats, willing kittypet and less willing kittypet: apprehension. They were both ready for the step and their new journey, but to take the leap... Marmalade turned slowly back to the yard and shut her dark amber eyes tight, listening hard to the sounds of the yard and the neighborhood and the forest, seemingly nine lives away. She would never see it again. Arno's words rang in her ears, but she didn't reply immediately. She took in a long, deep breath, and she held it.

The world was quiet. No twoleg monsters prowled the streets with twolegs in their bellies this early in the morning, nor did any dogs patrol their yards. The few remaining winter birds were cheerful, their bright tune familiar. A final song to send them away. Marmalade let out her breath, slowly opening her eyes to the yard. At last she spoke. "Yes... They'll be looking for us soon," she answered. She gently pried her gaze away from the enclosure she'd come to call her home and gazed at Arno instead, her golden face lit with a hopeful smile. "We'll be okay. This is just the start of our next great journey. Thank you for being with me... through all of this. I... I know what you had to endure to stay with me - to stay alive - and I'm grateful that you're here."

Inside, a door shifted, and Marmalade slowly rose to her paws. With one last aching glance, she turned from the yard, looking into the opening that lead into the nest. She saw Sue and Sharon moving around, packing up many of the last remaining things. This really was it. They would be going soon. Marmalade looked at Arno once more, trying to push aside the butterflies that fluttered in her stomach at the thought of all they were choosing to leave behind. "Shall we go and face our destiny?" she asked him, seeking his confident reassurance once more to prove this was the right choice.

So, that was it. The end of it all, fading gently into darkness. If there was the glow of morning beyond the two ginger cats in the opposite direction, they did not know. But it didn't matter. Nothing mattered, really. That was the beauty of life, love, and light. All that there was and would ever be began within the cat that chose to place their paws on their own path, trampling the undergrowth, and with it, fear. Today, Arno was that cat. Marmalade, too. The clans would continue on their merry way, full of cats that chose something else. Spottedstar and Cardinalcry came to mind. They were brave enough to seize the thing that was fondest to them, whether it be the place of their birth or the place of their strongest love. They had the bravery to hold their ground.

Like a river, Arno found that a family tended to split off into streams in wildly different directions. This, too, was the case of Firflower's young. Tinystar's kin was the same, and so was Starlord's. And no matter how far he roamed, he would miss dearly the nights in the mountains curled around the rest of his litter. They were the half-clan brothers and sister, till their last breaths. Nothing would change that, and nothing would keep them from pursuing the thing that fulfilled them. After all, it was in their blood. Even so, Swallowflight, Lightstep, and Cardinalcry deserved at the very least a chance to be their own cat, without the legacy of a deputy-murdering littermate dragging them down. He hoped that his exit would serve this dual purpose. It was the least he could do. Knowing that they were all finally safe was all he could ever hope for. Arno glanced at Marmalade and the pale blue collar that was fixed on her neck. She kept her promise after all.

Arno watched the twolegs haul their belongings into the monster's belly. It purred with glee, knowing the great journey it would soon be embarking on. Marmalade's final question cut through his mental fog, and for a moment he nearly hesitated. Being ready required a few things to be in order. He had to first resolve himself to the idea of being entirely free. That was a terrifying notion on its own. He had to also let go of the forest and the mistakes he made in it. He had to prepare for this new life with twolegs and Marmalade and being far, far away from everything he had ever known. They were walking backwards into the darkness and praying they came out clean on the other side. He chewed the inside of his cheek. He rubbed his paw against his torn ear. To sever the bonds that remained, Arno decided to empty his heart. He shut his eyes and imagined turning it upside-down and shaking out the contents. He imagined washing it in the river until it came out shiny and clean. He imagined preening it with his tongue and fluffing it up. He imagined putting it back in his place. When he opened his eyes, Arno imagined plucking Marmalade up and placing her inside his fresh heart. His first addition.

"Let's go."

Arno did not struggle as they loaded him into the monster. He curled up closely to Marmalade and let his owl-like eyes flutter shut. He tried not to look to the sides or at the front. Not only did the swaying motion make him nauseous, but he feared one final look at the forest would put it right back in his emptied heart. He was saving all the love for what lay ahead. Whether this place was deep in some new woods or in some grand Twolegplace, with plenty of strays or a couple of dogs, and whether he had very little time left or plenty of seasons of rest ahead, he knew he would find life, love, and light.

Arno was he, he was Arno.

And his heart was empty, but not ending.

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