Time Can Bring You Down [Closed]

Sitting outside of the nursery, Ivybrook stared inside with her expression blank. Soon enough, her kits would be able to join the other apprentices, and she'd be able to cleanse her paws of them at least for a little while. She hated to look away from them, like something terrible would happen if she took a glance in another direction. Even more than that, though, she hated the fact that she felt that way. At least when they became apprentices, it would be their mentor's job to protect them, to make sure they knew how to fend for themselves. The two of them were sound asleep, a rarity in the case of the two rambunctious kittens. Ivybrook was sure that she had to be the only RiverClanner awake at a time like this- The sun was just peeking over the horizon, and when she breathed out she could see her own breath come out in the form of a cloud. It was chilly and dark- something the she-cat didn't mind all too much.

Ethereal streaks peeked daintily over the horizon, painting the dark sky in a fragile shade of crimson. Featherpaw was well aquainted with the silent serenity of these sunrises, given all those moons of reflection she had spent in solitude. That didn't stop her from gazing at them again, and again... not now, especially after everything. Especially after everything that had been revealed to her after she had returned. She felt like a stranger in this place. She felt like a stranger to RiverClan, a stranger to her home.
Surely, she had been alone. Featherpaw could have sworn that she was the only RiverClanner awake, but the frosty air must have gotten to her head. It wasn't until a indistinct scent drifted over to her, carried gently by a breeze, that she realised she might have company.

She didn't want company.

Swivelling her head ever so slightly, she caught another wisp of the cat's scent. This time, she recognised its source. Featherpaw's gaze rested on the figure positioned by the nursery - the RiverClan deputy, Ivybrook. Instinctively she sidled away, further into the shadows that willingly enveloped her. The apprentice had no intention of being discovered. Perhaps the best way of evading interaction would just be to fade into the outskirts. She winced as fallen willow leaves crackled from her movements, a small sound that would have been perceptible to the one she was avoiding.

When the wondrous silence was broken by the sound of leaves under-paw, Ivybrook's head immediately turned to face the sound, narrowed emerald eyes searching for whoever might be sneaking around camp at such an early hour. Just hidden beneath the shadow of the reeds was Featherpaw, who was simultaneously RiverClan's oldest yet "newest" apprentice. The fur that had risen on her neck slowly fell back down as she looked back to her kits, chests rising and falling rhythmically with each breath. After just a moment, she lifted herself onto all four paws, and after a quick stretch began making her way towards the apprentice. On her way over, she shuffled through the fresh-kill pile briefly and picked up a relatively plump swallow, something she didn't see much of. Birds, in general, weren't something she enjoyed, but variation was usually interesting for the apprentices and could occasionally provide a sense of adventure to the kits in the nursery. They got to see something new, rather than the fish that other warriors always seemed to bring them. Carrying it by the tip of the wing, she set it at the grey apprentice's paws gently. "Eat." She said simply, but not so much in a crude manner as she would have had it been any other cat. "How has training with Mudfrost been going for you?" She asked as she sat down in front of her, ducking beneath the reeds and resting her tail on her paws.

She felt Ivybrook's searching glare finally detect her. A brief tingle scattered through Featherpaw's pelt, ears flattened faintly at the deputy's narrowed eyes. Shrinking beneath her gaze, she felt her own hackles prickling as she observed Ivybrook's risen neck fur. However, as Ivybrook's eyes softened and broke contact to glance within the nursery, the apprentice sensed her own fur lower as well. Motionless and silent, Featherpaw eyed the warrior with an exploring gaze, shuffling as she approached with a collection of sleek feathers. A glimmer of vague surprise twinkled in her eyes as Ivybrook gently deposited a swallow at her paws. "Eat."

It was an instantaneous feeling, but she abruptly felt... ruffled. Flustered at the offer, she murmured, "Th-thank you," before indulging in the meal. Birds... it was prey that she was not quite used to having. For moons, all she had had the energy to catch were fish. She'd never truely been talented at all at hunting land prey, and preferred to limit her meals to water-dwellers. However, the plump swallow seemed to surge her senses with relish. Although still not as good as a minnow or trout, a sheepish smile inched onto her features. Appreciating the fresh-kill, she slipped a purposeful, grateful glimpse at Ivybrook, before subtly inclining her head at her question. With a swift gulp, she opened her maw, hesitating with the words that were about to flow out. "It's been going... g-great," she hummed, "I know we'll work hard t-together... and that we'll both t-try our hardest." Featherpaw believed this was true. Mudfrost seemed like a cat who would work vigorously to achieve her ambitions, one of which at the current time was mentoring her. She felt fairly unsure when it came to talking about herself, specifically her apprentice duties. As one of the oldest within RiverClan, she felt ashamed to still be holding the rank of a warrior-in-training. Featherpaw had tried so hard to leave the apprentice den, but it had been previously remarked that "she still hadn't gotten close to having the guts to do so." Wincing, she squirmed at the memory, she attempted to shift the focus of conversation. "H-How have your kits b-been?" Despite her awkwardness at small talk, the kits were truely a subject of her fascination. Someday, she hoped that she'd be able to nurture Shellkit and Smokekit... so that they would become loyal RiverClanners.

Unlike her. She hoped they would never make the same mistakes that she had.

Nodding her head in approval, Ivybrook shifted on her haunches slightly. She hadn’t been entirely sure about appointing Mudfrost to be Featherpaw’s mentor- the she-cat had only been in the warriors den for a little over a moon, and with Featherpaw’s shy nature their personalities didn’t quite align. But, if she was learning well and doing better than when she began, then there were no evident problems. “If anything feels off, just let me know.” Ivybrook was no stranger to the way that Mudfrost must have felt about Featherpaw’s initial arrival, and she wanted to make sure that the older apprentice was getting treated just the same as the rest of them, as she deserved no less. Immediately, the deputy froze at the mention of her kits. “They’re just fine.” She said quickly, with no emotion to back up her sentence. Reverting back to the stony gaze that she usually carried wasn’t difficult, and it was done with little thought as she stared at the reeds behind Featherpaw, avoiding eye contact completely.

A small strained smile inched its way onto Featherpaw's maw, her mint eyes dropped to study her restless paws. She offered a vague nod at Ivybrook's statement, her genuine appreciation made evident by the newfound warmth smothering her pelt. Even with the frigid environment, she felt warmer. This brief conversation could allow a distraction from her anxious fretting. At her reference to the kits, she detected the stiffness that abruptly engulfed Ivybrook. Her flat tone and vacant staring brought distress to the apprentice. ..Oh, StarClan. I said the wrong thing, didn't I? Perturbation lacing through her hoarse voice, Featherpaw hastily stammered, " S-Sorry..! I-I, I know that-- y-your kits--" This wasn't making things easier. Suddenly shivering again, she forced a shaky exhale in an attempt to compose herself. "I-I'm sorry.. I know it's b-been hard." She knew personally how hard it was to lose cats to StarClan. With those five kits, who had barely even knew life, Featherpaw realised how unforgiving these few moons had been. It was with barely any thought that she added, albeit in a quieter murmur, "I-if you ever need h-help, I'm here. I-I can help t-to look after them. They'll be a-apprentices soon.. I-I'm sure th-they'll grow well."

Shifting on her paws slightly, Ivybrook struggled to listen to the she-cat and truly absorb what she was saying. Without a doubt, the apprentice hadn't meant any harm, but that didn't mean that it hurt any less- not that she'd ever show it. A soft sigh caused a small cloud of steam to form in front of the deputy's maw, dissipating into the air as silence stretched between the two cats. "No worries," Settling down, Ivybrook dipped her head and laid down in the cold grass. "Shellkit has been sick, and I don't believe she will be getting any better." Though it was quite a solemn notion, Ivybrook's tone remained monotonous, with no clear signs of emotion to be found. "Smokekit... Something's not quite right, but I'm not sure what it could be. The entire litter was ill-fated before they were even born." Shaking her head, Ivybrook made an attempt to change the subject. "Are you settling in alright?" Looking back to the apprentice, her emerald eyes met Featherpaw's mint ones.

It was not the chill, but rather the absence of words that sent an agitated shiver down her spine. When Ivybrook pierced the silence, she subtly inclined her head in response, features morphed with discernable concern. "I-I'm s-so sorry to hear that," Featherpaw breathed, throat sore from the crisp air, "..Th-these m-moons have been.. w-wearying.. I-I'm sorry." Those words felt so strained on her tongue. With the moons progressing into frigid gloom, she feared more challenges would be hurled their way. Tragedies and struggles seemed to have already scarred so many cats - it seemed that the light had isolated this Clan. Ivybrook's question promptly shifted her thoughts. She blinked at the warrior, maw slightly parted, yet no words seemed to flow out. The apprentice knew her answer... as much as she wanted to deny it. Her eyes began to flicker briskly around her surroundings, seeming to gaze in all directions besides Ivybrook. It was with stammering that she finally managed to choke,  "I-I... It's b-been... fine." With that last utter, her head swivelled to her paws. They were twitching, and she had begun to fidget patently once again.

Was she really fine?

..No.

That was an utmost lie.

"Featherpaw." Ivybrook's voice somehow held a stern tone, but was also tinged with something akin to... a certain protectiveness, but she couldn't quite figure out why. Of course, the silvery she-cat held a type of protectiveness for all of her Clanmates, but this was different. Perhaps it was the chilling air around her, or the small voice in her mind telling her that Featherpaw truly needed the extra protection... Ivybrook wasn't entirely sure. Keeping her gaze set on the smaller tabby, she refrained from reprimanding her, and took a different approach. "Your hesitation revealed it all. Tell me, what is it? Even if it isn't something I can fix, perhaps just telling me could help, to... To talk about it." It was an attempt to mimic what Honeytongue usually said to her, one that had honestly failed- but she tried, at the very least. Being supportive wasn't something Ivybrook usually expressed explicitly, but she hoped that Featherpaw would she that she did genuinely care.

The abrupt intensity in Ivybrook's tone was enough to prompt her to raise her gaze. Her expression had transformed - gentle eyes dilated in alarm. More hesitation. Featherpaw blinked in response, startled by the warrior's offer. The silence was fractured at last, once she had finally managed to register her words. Ivybrook had seen right through her pitiful facade. The apprentice issued a feeble, choked noise. "..A-Alright." It was so difficult to hold her eyes in place. A glassy sheen obscured her vision as haziness threatened to form. Instinctively, she dropped her gaze, finally giving in to the challenge of maintaining the stare. With the subconscious intention of concealing the tears, she edged her head away from the deputy as the soft response finally fell from her maw.

"I... I lied. I'm s-sorry... I'm n-not fine."

She couldn't bring herself to lift her eyes to meet Ivybrook's. Featherpaw hadn't told anyone yet. StarClan, she hadn't even wanted to tell herself. With her desolate feelings came denial and the refusal to accept them. The last time she had realised she had fallen this far... her self-hatred had consumed her. This time, she had merely buried the stress far beneath her surface. Perhaps then, they wouldn't bubble up. If she pushed those laments deep enough, they wouldn't drown her.

She had been wrong. Oh, so wrong.
When she eventually reached her peak... those feelings would engulf her in waves of reckless destruction.

Now, here she was, confronted at last. It would have come eventually - she had known that.

That didn't mean she hadn't been dreading the day when someone would finally ask the question.
One could only suppress sorrow for so long.

"..Everything has b-been s..s-so hard.. s-since I've returned... I.. I still get the s.. stares." The blockage in her throat repressed her croaks, and she visibly struggled with the flow of words slipping from her tongue, "W-When I returned... I wanted to a..a-apologise, to s-some cats. B-but they weren't here. Barely a-anybody I knew was here. I felt alone. I'm just the cat that b-betrayed RiverClan... I'm just the c..c-coward. I've been foolish. I've made mistakes... I've made too many m-mistakes. A-And those mistakes have c-cost me e-e-everything. M-My family, my f...f-friends... I-I'm stuck down here in this miserable world... knowing that they d-departed... thinking I h-h-hated them..!" That last note ascended into a higher pitch than she had intended. A faint gasp escaped her maw as her eyes flared, distinctly stunned at her own manner. Clearly flustered, Featherpaw cried, "I'm s..s-sorry..! I don't w-want to rant! You d-don't need to listen to me a-anymore.." Her eyes drooped, the grief having deprived them of their once-youthful glimmer, as she whispered, subdued,

"It..
It doesn't matter."