Haunting Shadows [Closed]

It had been the first time back in the tunnels since the accident, despite Silentgust's prodding to do something to earn her name. To redeem herself. It was difficult, balancing the desire to be better with nurturing her head injury and the crippling guilt of the death and destruction she seemed to cause. But as she sat in camp and watched her clanmates grow and heal around her, passing her by and leaving her behind in her self imposed tunnel, Sandpaw picked up on something. Barleytuft had been acting strange too. Well, strange in the sense of Barleytuft. Things seemed tense between him and his mate, Grayleaf and the tom had been spending a lot more time in camp... Though, she couldn't put her paw quite on why a single spark of something ignited in her chest. After asking permission of Silentgust, Sandpaw approached the older tom asking him to join her in the tunnel system under the camp. To monitor.

So here they are now, walking the slightly more spacious tunnels of the circle. Grousefrost loved being down here and admittedly, so did she. The patrol was rather silent until they reached a den like shape. Stopping, she called out to him to let him know she needed to rest. Soon, she could feel the tom come close enough to her to speak.

The darkness, to most would be terrifying. But it comforted Sandpaw in ways she couldn't express. Perhaps instead of running away down river, she could just live down here and still never be seen again. If a tunnel collapsed or she was eaten by a fox, oh well. After many long moments of silence, Sandpaw cleared her throat. "Barleytuft, I need to tell you something." Perhaps this wouldn't be the best way to start this conversation, but it was true. As she watched the others tunnelers, it had been in the back of her head this entire time. It was perhaps the root of her mistake.

Barleytuft had been caught quite off guard by Sandpaw's approach and moreso, even, by her request. He had been eating a light meal in the hopes that he would need the energy for a patrol. For a moment he wasn't certain how he felt about this one being it. His gut response - the reaction in his head - was to recoil with a look of disgust at the pale apprentice and send her away, but he didn't act on that thought and he certainly didn't believe the she-cat before him deserved it. Instead, the senior warrior blinked with surprise and slowly chewed and swallowed his prey as he examined her. He thought, and then he agreed and rose to his paws.

The two of them now moved without speaking in the dark winding expanse of the gorse circle, by far the safest and most comfortable of the sets of tunnels that spread under the territory. They had gone quite some time in silence, and Barleytuft couldn't decide whether to be satisfied or unsettled. He felt it strange that Sandpaw would suddenly choose to approach him and invite him on a patrol, especially after what had happened; he'd seen very little of the she-cat since the fox attack which had nearly claimed all of their lives. The senior warrior suspected that she had something to say, so when the pair paused to catch their breath in what felt like a den in the darkness he wasn't caught off guard when Sandpaw's voice spoke out, breaking the silence at last.

The senior warrior blinked his eyes habitually in the darkness, not bothering to try to seek her face. He flicked his ears towards her and answered evenly, "I'm listening, Sandpaw. What's on your mind?" He could hear her breath softly in front of him, and the pale tabby tom sat to face approximately her direction. He didn't particularly care to sit in the tunnels, but Barleytuft had demanded himself to shove that terror aside moons ago.

The sandy apprentice took a deep breath and leaned against the wall for support. "I am jealous of you and all of the other StarClan tunnelers." There, she had said it. But there was explanations due here. "Ever since I returned, I've been struggling to feel like I belong. Everyone is so close with everyone but me. I'm always left behind in patrols, in the back. Ignored in conversations in favor of others. I feel like my digging knowledge and skills are less valued because I am still a -paw and I was not gifted it from StarClan. It isn't fair, Barleytuft. I want to mean something to this clan, and no matter what I do it's never enough!" She sighed, catching herself from letting her voice to continue to rise. "When I did my Moonstone, I expected a StarClan tunneler to be there to join me, but they weren't. I wasn't special enough. When these stories are told in the future, Sandpaw's name won't be mentioned. Because I wasn't anything. Despite the fact I've done just as much work. I am forgotten now, and I will always be forgotten." The apprentice turned her back to where the tom sat. "Most days I have considered even returning to the dig site, escaping to the tunnels, or running to Highstones and demanding to be a StarClan Tunneler. If it weren't for the foxes, I probably would have at this point." Her tail swished as she finished what she was saying. It was true. All of it. If Barleytuft denied it, perhaps it would be the last straw. But even if he did, she felt better. Relieved. The endless unspoken words of unworthiness was out in the open.

Barleytuft braced himself when the she-cat took a breath in in the tunnel before him; he had no idea what to expect, but she had passion and fire and that could ignite his defensiveness if they grated against each other. What she said did nothing to further his certainty, yet he found himself even further intrigued. "I am jealous of you and all of the other StarClan tunnelers." "Oh?" Barleytuft responded quietly, attentively. She certainly had his attention. In the darkness her imposing pale stare and disappointed or angry face could hold no bearing on him. What he heard in her voice, however, was more than simple anger or frustration. There was disappointment. Loneliness.

The senior warrior stayed quiet as she expressed her desire to belong, knowing that all the tunnelers had a connection that Sandpaw hadn't been granted. At first he wanted to point out that she was often in the back or left out because much of the Clan didn't know her - she'd been gone for so long - but something in her tone kept him quiet. In the darkness he eventually sat, curling his tail patiently as Sandpaw shared the feeling of hopelessness: nothing she did ever felt like it was enough, and no matter how desperately she longed for StarClan to come give her the opportunity she'd been denied, the ancestors remained quiet. Barleytuft couldn't help from making a soft, sympathetic sound. She was afraid of being forgotten.

Sandpaw's voice shifted away from him slightly; had she turned away in shame? It was one curse of the darkness, but Barleytuft felt his heart go out to her. She wished to flee, just as Raventail had done. Despite the outrage and the blame she had received, she chose to stay and endure it. The sound of Sandpaw's tail swishing over the packed earth seemed to indicate the end of her speech.

Barleytuft sat quietly in the dark for a moment as he mulled her words over in his head. After a moment, he replied gently, "I'm glad you're still here. I'm glad you've stayed, despite... everything. You're right: it isn't fair." The senior warrior took in his own deep breath. "If any cat deserved to walk with the tunnelers in Silverpelt, after all the tunneling we've done together on the moors, it's you. I couldn't possibly guess why our ancestors do, or don't do, what they do. You're more than capable, willing, skilled... You're a tunnel visionary. You've taught me things I'd have never thought of, even in my longest dreams from the stars. I never even--"

He cut himself off suddenly, surprised by what he was about to say. His voice soften a little, as Sandpaw's had, and he said, "I never wanted to be a tunneler. I know you've probably heard - I lost my youngest son to the tunnels. Mistystripe, Goldengale, and Cloverpaw's little brother: Quailpaw. Not two moons before, we had lost Brookclover as well. My first apprentice, Finchstar's mate. I hated these tunnels, but Aspenheart told us that StarClan could give us a way to be better prepared and prevent loss like that again. It was enough to power through. I received their dreams. I learned. I trained. I have these... these horrible nightmares every quarter moon, or more, of my lessons." His voice was now a little more sad.

"Truthfully, Sandpaw, I wouldn't wish that on you. I'm sorry, but I'm glad StarClan hasn't come to you." Barleytuft said, but in a tone that began to grow with admiration he finished, "You're a natural-born tunneler. You don't need a dream to make it true, and you don't need to prove it to anyone. I'm sorry I haven't done more to show you that." With a much softer voice, he asked a painful question. "Is that... why you rushed down into the tunnel, that day? You wanted to do more?"