uncrossing the line

[a fairly direct continuation of this]

Mothglow had never moved on her paws as swiftly as she did returning from the Moonstone. Not even when she was a young and excitable apprentice. Now she was driven, each step taken with purpose; until she barreled into ShadowClan's camp. She didn't even slow down, instead just calling out. "Silent Snows!" she shouted, over and over again, running circles around the camp.

She'd gotten her energetic nature back along with her new name, certainly; but she'd also gained a deep-seated worry. She couldn't let her sister die... Even if she didn't even feel like her sister anymore.

And that was where the real problem lied, wasn't it? She couldn't lose Silent... Not without sitting down and having a long talk. Not so soon after everything else. Everything blurred together, and how was she meant to keep moving forward into the light if everything kept shoving her back toward the darkness?

"Silent!"

The sound of Silent Snows' voice filled a void in her heart that Mothglow hadn't realized was present. She raced toward her, very nearly barreling her to the ground - but she'd gotten better at stopping in time, with practice. "Silent Snows! You're alive?" she asked, voice soft and desperate. "I'm not... I'm not still dreaming?"

But she'd been so sure... Those eyes, that pelt, the small size... They were all unmistakable traits.

When Silent Snows had last given her that cold stare, Mothglow had shrunk back and cried.

She would not fall back now. "Oh?" she asked, and if Silent's voice was layered in ice her own was bathed in fire. "Is that what you believe, Silentpaw? I suppose it's only okay when you do it. I thought you were the one that had made up your mind, isn't that right? You looked me in the eye, told me I was nothing... That's right, I remember that! Every. Last. Word. And even after that, I was supposed to just accept it when you came back into my life wanting to talk? You turned your back on me before I ever dreamt of leaving you!" The memory washed over her, tears in her eyes as she desperately tried to hold them back. "And do you know what the saddest thing of all is? If Thornstar hadn't made me go... I still would have stayed. I needed that distance, I think... Because I needed to be myself, instead of just your sister, 'cause that was all I ever thought of myself as... So I did what I needed to. I became someone else! I'm not just 'Mothpaw, Silentpaw's sister' anymore. I'm Mothglow, medicine cat of ShadowClan, and I've never been happier."

(It was the most venomous she'd ever heard her own voice. She couldn't recall a time she'd intentionally sounded spiteful before this, and she wasn't sure she liked it.)

"And you've clearly become someone else, too. So I can only hope you're proud of whoever you are now, because I wish I was still proud to call you my sister. I don't know who you are anymore, and I thought for a while maybe I'd like to... But I won't make that mistake again."

"I cared about you," Mothglow told her sister, voice growing soft. The fire was fading from her voice, and she almost seemed to shrink in on herself - though she still stood taller than most of the cats around them, she seemed somewhat smaller than usual. "I still do. Even when I know I shouldn't. ...You were right, you know? You were always right. Is that what you want me to say?" Her eyes met the ground, unwilling to meet Silent Snows' tears. "I was nothing, compared to you - and it's not fair that no one else saw that. I was a stupid apprentice and a useless medicine cat, do you think I didn't know that?" Those first moons after she'd left the path of a warrior for one of mystery and medicine... They had been difficult, for the rifts it caused between her and her Clanmates as anything else. "I had no idea what I was doing. But I did what felt right. ShadowClan didn't have a medicine cat; and I didn't want to be a warrior anymore..." The nightmares from the mountain battle haunted her now, though often she could ignore them. Avoiding bloodshed wherever she could was a simple step she took to prevent it. "It felt like the only path forward. I just wish I could have had it all..."

Her sister.

The stars.

It had been as simple as that, once upon a time; but it often seemed like age had a way of erasing simplicity. With the distance of time, she couldn't tell who was right or wrong, or if there was any way to tell. Right and wrong... There wasn't any way to tell the two apart. Not with something like this. Just hurt feelings, shattered bonds, crossed lines and the tears she didn't realize she'd started to shed.

"...I'm sorry if you felt like I was leaving you behind. I never wanted that. I did what I felt I had to, and I paid a price I never could have imagined for it. And I still don't know if I made the right choice."

Any medicine cat knew that there came a time when wounds ran too deep to heal. Perhaps it was too late to salvage their relationship. Even if it was, Mothglow would not let Silent Snows believe she didn't care. Not for a second.

"Maybe it's too late now, to go back and undo all our mistakes," Mothglow whispered, lifting her head once more. "I think... Maybe we both overstepped? You said and did a lot of things that hurt me, true... But I said and did a lot of things that hurt you, too. Even if I didn't notice them at the time."  She should have, but she couldn't go back now to undo her own mistakes any more than she could anyone else's. All that was left to do was to push forward. "We can't go back and fix the mess we made of things... So let's just move forward instead."

A deep sigh escaped her, letting out all of the jumbled emotions she was feeling. Her voice was stronger when she spoke again - still quiet, but now with a bit of hope shining through. "You're still my sister. Even if you weren't, you'd still be my Clanmate. There's no starting over for us, and maybe there's no way to fix things... But we're talking, right? That's something. Maybe if we keep talking... We can make this okay."

It was too late to unsay the things they'd said, true. To undo the things they'd done. But perhaps not too late to uncross the lines.