with these broken wings i'm fallin' [closed]

The sun stained the sky with a faded tone of crimson as clouds crawled in front of the sun, casting faint shadows onto the grass in the heart of RiverClan territory. Slowly, the moon crawled over the horizon and Silverpelt began to show its starry splendor. Despite all the pleasing sights surrounding her, Ivybrook's mind crept to less appealing places. Memories of the horrid badger fight she'd made her Clanmates endure, of her father leaping into the Gorge to save her, and the floodwaters rushing through RiverClan camp sneaked around in the darker corners of her brain. Not only that, but the knowledge that she would have to bring kits into this world, that she would be forcing living beings to live through the same torments, plagued her. If this world was such a horrible place, then what in the name of Jaystar was she doing, bring more innocent lives into it only for them to be torn down and beaten? The kits she gave birth to would suffer intolerable and endless agony, and it was because of her foolishness that they would have to drag on through the bitter times without a shred of light to help them along the way.

Is that really what she wanted for her kits?

No matter, it wasn't like she would be able to help it now. The kits were growing and there was nothing that could be done to stop it. Now, she had no choice. There was no stopping the inevitable, but that didn't mean that the grey-toned deputy despised it any less. With a sigh, the she-cat wandered from inside the warriors den out into the open, glancing around camp for something she might do. The evening patrol had already come in and all the apprentices seemed to be settled for the night. Free time was something Ivybrook hadn't had since she was named deputy, so it was strange in an odd, almost creepy sense. From across the camp, her eyes landed on a yellow she-cat with bright emerald eyes. Suddenly, she knew exactly what to do with her time. Walking slowly yet purposefully towards the younger she-cat, the deputy flicked her tail in greeting to the warrior. "Honeytongue, hello." Dipping her head in greeting, Ivybrook sat down next to the she-cat.

Honeytongue had been finishing up her meal for the day and was about to settle in to groom herself when footfalls and a voice caught her attention. "Oh, good evening, Ivybrook!" she greeted warmly as she licked her lips to remove any remaining sign of the fish she had just eaten as she straighten up as the deputy took a seat next to her. She hadn't really gotten a chance to spend time with her old mentor one-on-one, with either Ivybrook being in Mistlepaw's den or dealing with her duties as deputy. There was something nice about finally getting that chance to speak to her, to catch up and see how things were going. "How have things been?" she asked, purring softly at her - unaware of the turmoil that was gripping the older she-cat's heart. "RiverClan is starting to get lively again...Its so wonderful after all of our hardships."

Managing a slight smile at the warm greeting she received from the younger she-cat, Ivybrook curled her tail over her paws, waiting for Honeytongue to finish up with the fish she'd eaten before her approach. "They could be a lot worse, I suppose." She commented in light of her first question. Nodding gently at her next statement, Ivybrook shifted her paws a bit, restlessness taking over. "Yes, I believe it is." Shaking her head, the deputy looked up to the golden tabby with the calm facade that she maintained in front of all of her Clanmates. She had to be strong for them, that was her job, after all. "You were brought up in quite an unfortunate time, so I'm glad you'll finally get to experience the good that comes with being a part of our Clan." Her eyes drifted back down to her paws, tail tip twitching as she continued to think about the events that had happened just after Honeytongue's birth.

Honeytongue's smile faded slightly at the deputy's words. It wasn't something she tried to dwell on but...That was true, wasn't it? Things could be a lot worst. The Clan was surviving, slowly growing in numbers despite the losses. Ivybrook's kits would bring a good number of new warriors one day... She nodded her head sightly at the mention of the previous hardships, the trouble that had followed after her birth. "That's true...But there was good even in those times," she meowed softly, bringing back her small smile. "It wasn't all bad and out of those unfortunate days brought great things...Such as getting to call you my mentor," she added.

She couldn't deny that she still missed Hailsong - but she also had never known the warrior all that well. If she hadn't been her mentor for such a short while, would she have cared as strongly as she did? But in Hailsong's unfortunate disappearance, Ivybrook had taken up the position of her mentor and it had been its own light in a way. Getting to better know the deputy...Perhaps it was better this way, not that it made Hailsong's hole in the Clan lessen any further. "Its...Good to look toward the light," she said after a short while. "It doesn't chase away the darkness, but it certainly makes it more bearable, doesn't it?"

An outward sigh escaped Ivybrook’s maw as she stared down at her paws. “Yes, I suppose so.” Closing her eyes, Ivybrook tried to imagine what could possibly be so good during that time that it balanced out the bad. Hailsong’s disappearance seemed to be what stuck out the most to Honeytongue- She assumed that the younger she-cat had no clue what it was like to lose a loved one that close. And how would she? “There aren’t any words capable of explaining the pain that happened during that time. It’s simply not possible.” Though her voice held no emotion and her expression was void of the slightest hint of feeling, pain was evident in Ivybrook’s emerald green eyes.

“Those words are certainly true, Honeytongue. But sometimes, when the darkness is too much for you to take... You can’t find the light. And at that point the only thing you can do is keep going, and wait for the light to find you.” The deputy’s tail tip twitched slightly and she shifted her weight from one side to the other. Finally, she looked up to her former apprentice, waiting to see how she would react to her words. It appeared that Ivybrook wasn’t quite done teaching yet.

"Then I'll be that light," she retorted, raising her gaze to stare at the deputy. She had listened quietly to the deputy's words to that moment, agreeing to all. But she knew her answer to this situation - StarClan themselves had told her to be there to raise her Clanmate's spirits, after all. "It's all I've ever wanted to be - I'm done seeing my love ones ache and hurt while I can't do anything to help them...To comfort them. I want to be there for them, through it all. It won't be easy, I know that but... Its the least I can do, to help father, you, Mistlepaw... You all hold such a burden on your shoulders..." she paused, tail swishing as she drew herself into a soft crouch. "When has somebody last actually ask how you've been? Are you okay? How are you holding up?" she murmured, staring at her paws for a few seconds before she turned her gaze as she quietly met her green eyes with hers. "Everybody tends to be so busy with their own feelings, they rarely think to reach out for others. I don't want to do that, I want to be the one to make sure everybody can see the light...Or at least help them if the darkness starts to cloud their visions."

...It was all she ever wanted to be. She remembered the heartache of Jaystar's death, watching her Clan in mourning as she pressed herself to her father's side. She had wanted to find the words to speak, but she didn't understand what was going on. She was only a kit - about to become an apprentice. She had never seen such loss before and knew not the words to say...What to do. And the Clan had only continued to lose people in the meanwhile, every loss striking hard at the hearts of her Clanmates. But no longer, she would not sit idly by while they suffered in their sadness. She would be there for them, to coax them out and to help them see the good again... Even if it meant she would have to push down the sadness she felt herself. She couldn't risk herself being lost - to let her own life dim when her Clanmates needed her shining bright more than ever.

Ivybrook’s face remained stoic as the she-cat spoke. The only way to tell that the she-cat was actually listening to Honeytongue’s words was the occasional flick of her ear. It was while the warrior was talking that the grey tabby took an interest in her pelt... Which was strangely similar to that of her own mother’s. Both Honeytongue and Goldeneye had a beautiful golden pelt, an odd resemblance that made Ivybrook cringe just slightly. Honeytongue was nothing like her mother- Goldeneye was heartless and cold, cold enough to push even her own kits away in her own interest. In contrast, the warrior sitting in front of her was compassionate and had a kind heart. Though she didn’t know why, Ivybrook was a little shaken by the resemblance, though she knew that it had no real meaning.

When Honeytongue asked how the she-cat was holding up, she was snatched violently from her thoughts. Her jaw parted slightly as she searched for what to say, shutting her maw when she realized that there weren’t any words. There were no words to describe just how true her statement was. But, nonetheless, the she-cat maintained solid, blank features, looking up at her through her shining emerald eyes. ”I’m doing just fine.” Her voice was unintentionally cold as she looked at the younger cat, soaking in the words one by one. Nodding her head when she finished, Ivybrook straightened her posture before she spoke. “You do that, then. Be the light we can all use from time to time. I can only advise you to be careful.” Without moving an inch, the she-cat held in a sigh as she continued to speak.”This world we live in is cruel, and though you care dearly for your friends, there is no guarantee that they care for you in the same way. I don’t mean to crush your hopes or smother your faith, but you need to be prepared. You’ll learn day by day just how hard it can be, and I am here for you in the case that it becomes too difficult. We can talk, and... I can listen. I am here for you.” There was a hint of sincerity in her voice as she spoke, breaking the usual monotone that she held. She didn’t enjoy showing emotions, or even feeling them at that- but Ivybrook cared for Honeytongue, and there wasn’t any denying that.

Honeytongue hadn't actually been expecting Ivybrook to answer that small question - while she had meant to ask the deputy how she was doing, she had also simply been trying to make a point that there was a good chance that nobody else had bothered. That they just assumed that Ivybrook was fine despite the newfound burden on her shoulders, that she could handle it just because she was now deputy. And...The warrior wasn't sure if she actually believed that the deputy was fine. Was anybody in RiverClan truly fine? She thought about calling her out on it...But she wasn't sure so she simply nodded her head with a faint smile.

She was also relieved that Ivybrook seemed to support her desire to be a light for RiverClan - not telling her that it was a foolish dream or anything. Not that she thought the deputy would but...The world was such a cruel place, no doubt it would try its hardest to snuff out her embers...But she had to be strong. She had to fight whatever sadness would threaten to damper her spirit. "Of course, Ivybrook," she purred, although perhaps it was a bit forced as she looked at the deputy. "We can be here for each other." She didn't believe it. Or...Not that Ivybrook wouldn't be there for her. She believed that, she knew the deputy was speaking truthfully and from the heart but...

She had to be stronger then that. She couldn't rely on the others for support when she was meant to be that support. What if they both needed each other at the same moment - she...No, she couldn't let herself be weighted down by the sadness. She had made that vow to herself before she had gotten her warrior name. She wasn't ought to be better or stronger than the others but...She just...It hurt, accepting the weight that would fall on herself. She knew it was wrong, deep down - to have such feelings of what she had to do but not accept the same of the others.

"...How do you think Torrentstar is doing?" she finally asked, gaze flickering up toward the deputy. Her father had been cagey on how things had been for him lately, brushing her off even if he did acknowledged that he wasn't perfectly alright. She was going to be here for him, like how she was going to be there for Ivybrook, Mistlepaw and the other apprentices. But...She wanted to make sure her father was doing alright, even if it meant asking Ivybrook for that answer.