Hide and Seek {closed}

Green leaves sat in a bundle in Leaftwirl's jaws, stems bobbing as the warrior ducked her head. SkyClan had crashed into oblivion, and yet while the she-cat had been on the verge of an enigma, she was now less sure of her identity than ever. There was no foundation, as that foundation had been rooted in the security Leaftwirl watched crash before her very eyes. Tinystar; a murderer. Tigerleaf had witnessed such a thing and yet failed to share it with her kits. Such a violation of the warrior code Leaftwirl wanted so badly to follow. And now her leader and mentor set aside those laws for justice, but what did justice mean if it was not bound by the principles it taught? Who watched the watchers? The gray was terrifying. No rules, and no morals. How was the she-cat to steady herself when she didn't even know what to stand for? What was life anyway? A ploy to make existence important? An elaborate bluff for life itself? Or a scene perhaps, dancing and twirling beneath the sun as death marched ever closer. The brown tabby soon realized why Sunflower was so nervous all the time. Every twitch of a fern or the scuffling of some dirt seemed to have the warrior's fur standing on end. She couldn't bring herself to meet the eyes of her clanmates as she padded through camp. The herbs were a blessing, an excuse. If asked where she was going, Leaftwirl could simply say "medicine cat den." And yet in reality her destination was much more profound.

"Amberdawn." The urgency in Leaftwirl's voice was faintly, barely masked by a playful manner. This den in particular had always been one of solace for Leaftwirl. In the past, it had been the home of a friend and counselor. The herbs had a nice smell to them. And yet now, it seemed like a veil. A thin layer to hide the warrior from the confusion that was camp. She needed answers. She needed solace. Anything to give a sense of security. "I... I found these outside camp while I had been hunting. There's more, I could show you!" The tabby carefully dropped the green leaves on the ground, licking her lips with unease. Please, show me something. No cat was meant to deal with Leaftwirl's heart. That was her own responsibility. And yet in the moments of weakness, of emotion; the best seemed to be brought out in her friends. Sunflower the coward proved to have wisdom. If such a lanky tom could muster such a thing, Leaftwirl wondered if Amberdawn's heart would be even more brilliant. It was selfish, a final call for help in a cat who seemed just as wary. Camp wasn't the same. Distance was killer. And the unease behind Amberdawn's eyes made Leaftwirl want to spill her emotions. But not here, not in camp. They'd go to the forest, where the pine trees sat. They'd play a game of hide and seek with their minds, not their bodies. My, how time had changed them. Leaftwirl sniffed with a bittersweet stroke of nostalgia as she gestured towards the exit with her tail. It was time.

The sound of her name startled Amberdawn from where she had been mulling over her meeting with the kittypet, Jerry, a few days ago. He had been so laid-back... he was well cared for, yet also allowed to care for himself if he so chose. It sounded nothing like anything that the SkyClan cat had ever heard, yet there he was: living proof that such a life existed. She'd had a colorful dream about the life of a wandering kittypet who was always safe and protected and free. She wasn't sure what to make of it. She was quite prone to having dreams, but this one made her pelt prickle in a strange way. Maybe her thoughts were on Jerry and his strange life because of Firflower's secret mate and their kits. Whatever it was that caused them, they dissipated at Leaftwirl's entrance.

The sight of Leaftwirl entering the medicine den with a bundle of leaves in her mouth was almost as perplexing as hearing Jerry's opinion of life around twolegs. Amberdawn dipped her head awkwardly in greeting. The she-cats hadn't really spoken lately, and the medicine cat didn't think she had mentioned needing herbs to anyone - she preferred dealing with it herself lately. Nonetheless, Leaftwirl had entered and set down the leaves quickly. As Amberdawn bent to identify them, she easily recognized dock. Her heart crackled with a bittersweet feeling: that was the first herb that Leaftwirl had found on their first ever patrol together.

Leaftwirl expressed that there was more outside of camp that she could show, and for a moment Amberdawn looked back to the stores and considered saying no. There was already an acceptable collection of the plant. Part of her longed to simply sit and contemplate all the things she knew and had no answers for. Her kithood friend's expression and demeanor, however, were much too clear to ignore. It was an offer, but truly it was a request. Amberdawn looked up from the herbs to gaze into her friend's eyes. After another moment, she nodded, smiling the best she could and answering, "With leaf-bare coming up we'll need plenty of dock for our cold, cracked feet, I imagine."

The she-cat pushed Leaftwirl's herb aside to be sorted later and then turned to the warrior again nodding. "Lead the way," Amberdawn mewed. Something was certainly on Leaftwirl's mind, and given all that had happened recently, she was afraid of what it might be.

Every step from the medicine den seemed to rocket up Leaftwirl's legs and into her frame. She wondered if the others watched her, trailing the way ahead of Amberdawn as they split the way through camp. The atmosphere felt like a thick jelly, and the tabby wished to run. To run into the forest and become something beautiful and untouchable. Where had her carefree nature gone? Wake me up... She prayed not to Amberdawn, but to the stars above. If Wolffang had been able to catapult the warrior into a life of uncertainty, it was unimaginable and yet tantalizing what another starry form had the strength to do. But StarClan didn't grace the forest on another's accord. Their presence however much desired came few and far between. Even Tigerleaf proved herself to be elusive. Leaftwirl wondered perhaps if Amberdawn had any messages or words of hope from their ancestors. And yet proof of any wouldn't fix the problem.

Padding over rocks and nettles, they reached the meager patch of dock leaves, hardly an urgent cause that called for the medicine cat's presence. But Amberdawn was intuitive, sensing what Leaftwirl could only feel. They were not here for dock, but rather for solace. Maybe it was selfish of the warrior to throw herself onto another in hopes of healing no heart but her own. But if this interaction could save Amberdawn as well, it was well worth it. "The dock... it's not much." She squeaked quietly, feeling the pressure of words unspoken. Never before had Leaftwirl been nervous to speak her mind. That was her skill, her boldness and bravery with all things social. But those words had been as fluttery as her personality. Talking of silly things like birds and trees. The words she possessed now were heavy, bad words that could only bring confusion and sadness. The tabby hated conflict. She hated to fight when the enemy was unclear. Meeting the medicine cat's eyes, the she-cat took a long sigh before finding a seat on a grass tussock, tail tip flicking in wariness. "Thank you for coming... I-" A bumblebee floated by and the warrior's eyes followed it, gaze bobbing with every dip of the fuzzy thing. She wished to be as free as a bee. Careless, expendable, able to only speak of all things fun and fluttery. She'd never have to watch Amberdawn's sad eyes. She'd never have to pretend to smile. Her smile would be true, free.

"The gathering... Tinystar... I just... I just don't know what to think of it all! He was my mentor, Amberdawn! And he killed an-" Her voice trailed off as Leaftwirl realized her volume had raised. The subject was tedious, the forest didn't need to know. "...he killed an apprentice." She whispered, the final words like claws to the heart. She never knew Sparrowpaw, and doubted she ever would. And yet the thought of a cat she trusted, committing such a crime; it shook her to her very core. "I'd talk to Sunflower about it but he's... he's his son. Oh and Amberdawn what ever happened to us? Swanpaw's sick, you're sad, and Sunflower is just there. Remember when we wished for greenleaf? And... and now it's here and... and..." Tears began to well up in Leaftwirl's eyes as the emotions spilled over, all the fear and the confusion, flowing onto the grass to a cat who couldn't heal her. No cat could. This was Leaftwirl's problem and Leaftwirl's alone. And yet she didn't have the assets to save herself.

"It wasn't what we'd thought it'd be." A sense of clarity washed over the she-cat as she lifted her tear-stained cheeks to meet Amberdawn's eyes. "I'm sorry, Amberdawn. I know you're probably busy with herbs or something... I just... I don't know who I'm supposed to be." And there it was, the end all to end all's. Leaftwirl needed a set of morals to pull herself from her predicament. And yet her frame was hollow. Her mind was filled with fluff that merely evaporated when called upon for defense. Her brown tabby form shook like a thin branch as she stared at her friend, wondering if she'd finally said too much. Perhaps Amberdawn may be scared of her. Leaftwirl had never stopped to wonder if she was making a good impression with her actions, only using the output of them to determine if she was a good cat. But recently, the output had been dim. Perhaps her heart was blackened after all.

The warrior lead the way without hesitation, yet her steps were heavy as she walked. Amberdawn followed quietly, feeling her own burdens weighing on her. Still, she had appearances to keep; clearly whatever Leaftwirl had to talk about was important. The medicine cat glanced about the camp to search for someone to indicate that they were leaving to. She found a target and nodded her head meaningfully. They nodded back. Good. No sneaking around Tinystar; he'll know I'm out of camp and with who, Amberdawn thought as the other cat padded off to do who knew what. Tell Tinystar or Mistyrain, hopefully. It was out of her paws: her concerns were now with the cat who had once been her closest friend as they left the camp behind.

The territory drifted by their tensely silent trek. The medicine cat's stomach knotted occasionally with apprehension and foreboding, feeling more and more certain that she knew what Leaftwirl wanted to discuss that needed to be shared so far from camp. Amberdawn wanted to leave such a discussion behind, but she couldn't. Not now. Not if Leaftwirl needed to speak of it. They had traveled a fair distance by the time they seemed to reach the place the warrior had spoken of. The tabby she-cat before her had slowed, and the dull, bitter scent of recently harvested dock hung in the air. Immediately Amberdawn's eyes fell upon the disturbed cluster of herbs. A few dewy stalks that had been ripped up peeked out where Leaftwirl had been there earlier. Truly, it was a meager patch; Leaftwirl was quick to admit as much.

Amberdawn flicked her tail and answered diplomatically, "A scrap can make all the difference. Thanks for showing me." The golden medicine cat moved towards the dock to begin surveying how best to harvest it. As she stooped towards the leaves, however, she slowed, her dark amber eyes landing expectantly on Leaftwirl's. The warrior had moved a short distance away and was seated uneasily, an uncertain look on her face as she gathered the words she wished to share.

The medicine cat began clawing meticulously and purposefully at the plant as Leaftwirl began to speak, her thoughts displaying themselves as jumbled fragments of sentences. Immediately upon beginning Amberdawn knew her concerns were warranted; Leaftwirl needed to talk about what had been revealed at the Gathering. Tinystar's execution of Sparrowpaw was a sore, sensitive wound in the Clan. That it had somehow slipped under the radar until now was perhaps a testament to the failed morals of the Clan as much as its leader. Leaftwirl felt lost and confused that Tinystar, a cat she had looked up to and respected so much, had executed one of their Clanmates moons ago. Amberdawn was pulling out thick, stocky roots as Leaftwirl went on to explain that she felt she couldn't talk to Sunflower about it; after all, he was Tinystar's son.

The hardest words to hear came next. "Oh and Amberdawn what ever happened to us?" Each statement was a jab to her heart; Swanpaw was sick and had been in Amberdawn's care almost since her Moonstone journey; Amberdawn was sad, and had been since before the flood and perhaps even earlier; Sunflower really was just there, despite his parentage. Some deep, bitter personality in the medicine cat's mind thought bitterly, Now you notice me - when you need something from me. Amberdawn didn't want to feel that way, yet she found it harder to grasp for sympathy than she had expected. Nothing was as she expected, and Leaftwirl was quick to voice that: "It wasn't what we thought it'd be."

"No, it's not," Amberdawn answered softly, simply. Leaftwirl had a little more to say, apologizing for interrupting her busy day. The tabby felt the bitterness attempt to swell: Did Leaftwirl really think that herbs were more important than loved ones to Amberdawn? And on the other paw: Did Leaftwirl just think Amberdawn was there to work, being nothing more than a healer and a counselor? She tried to quell the feeling again.

The she-cat paused her root pulling to shake her head softly and meet Leaftwirl's eyes with her own turmoil barely veiled. "I... wish I knew what to say," Amberdawn murmured. "If you were hoping I can tell you who you're supposed to be, I... I can't do that for you. I'm sorry. All we're supposed to be is the best version of ourselves. You're the only one who can find out who or what that is." The golden tabby's tail wrapped around her paws, and she gathered the dock into a pile. "Not even StarClan can tell us who we are; we are the ones who know ourselves best." She tilted her head and asked, "What do you want to be?"

The softness in Amberdawn's voice seemed to crawl under Leaftwirl's fur, and she took a sniff, pelt hot. Perhaps she had said too much. But the medicine cat was wise. She didn't speak the words Leaftwirl wanted to hear. The she-cat gazed at her friend with empty eyes, almost angry. She had wanted so badly for the golden tabby to be her solace. She had felt she had earned it. Leaftwirl had tried so hard, fought so well. She had stomped on her very own drive to frolic and play in order to be who she needed to be. But there was no praise, no comfort. Amberdawn was honest, and once again Leaftwirl felt almost degraded. Just as Wolffang had ripped through her. Emotions hurt, they raged against the light and stabbed her heart with claws so sharp. A pain rang in her stomach, and the warrior winced, quickly regaining her composure. She had rested against what remained.

Tears welled at Leaftwirl's temples as she bobbed her head, thinking of how to answer her old friend's question. She had been beautiful when the sky was bright. And now as trials fell and SkyClan was thrown into turmoil, all sense of cathood was lost. Leaftwirl was whimsical, playful, a smiling face when flowers bloomed. But here she sat defeated, broken by the times. It was all too much, she didn't know who to lean on, who to cry with. Sunflower was easy, a coward. He'd follow her wherever, stick by her side. And yet even he had ties with Leaftwirl's fears. She felt almost like a kit again, wanting to curl up in Tigerleaf's belly, kneading her pelt with pin-prick paws. Amberdawn sat before her, asking the hard questions. Perhaps that was her role. She had been there at Leaftwirl's Moonstone Journey, offering words of kindness as the 'paw's world crashed to the ground. It would be simple to imagine she'd always be the same. But Leaftwirl's head had been in the clouds. Amberdawn felt things as well. She probably had been stunned during the gathering just as Leaftwirl had been. The warrior had been a fool not to see it. But confrontation was terrifying. She wished to muse over the leaves and the mice, not talk about murders and past feelings. Oh what a selfish cat she was. Sniffling, wiping her tears away, Leaftwirl meant her friend's amber eyes, maw parted in a small breath. "I want to be happy like I used to be. Before our leader was a murderer..." She sucked in a heavy gasp, voice cracking. "Before Tigerleaf died."

Weak, the tabby's paws began to shake, she sat on her haunches and shook her head, a pang in her stomach ringing again. "I need to be a good warrior, but I wanna be a good friend, too. Amberdawn, I've been so selfish." More tears flowed as her emotions spilled over. Leaftwirl stepped forward to bury her head in Amberdawn's chest awkwardly. It wasn't like when she found Stormstrike, or when she had first discovered the snow under the pine trees. The warrior didn't want to force their companionship, and yet wished for it badly. Friends were easy to come by, and yet keeping them in times like these proved harder. Leaftwirl had tried so hard to split herself between two things, drawing her assets thin between her wants and desires. Maybe she'd run off and become a loner like Peaches. But everything good and logical sat here, in SkyClan. Where was her hope of happiness if it wasn't in these woods? Hollow, the warrior raised her head, wanting to start all over. "Are you alright, Amberdawn?"

Amberdawn had not spoken the words that Leaftwirl wanted to hear; the she-cat's response showed it clearly, and she wondered how good of a friend she could possibly be if she had just thrown away the opportunity to encourage her that had been laid out for her. She'd failed to offer even a smattering of reassurance. The warrior's eyes were slowly growing cold and veiled, a glint of hurt and even irritation in the depths, but her expression remained flat. "Who am I?" Leaftwirl had asked, and Amberdawn's response was that she had to figure it out. Before she could think too hard on what she might have said instead - what might have been a better answer - the medicine cat saw a different kind of pain blossom in Leaftwirl's eyes. At first she almost didn't notice it, mingled with the rest of the frustration that bloomed, but the wince was impossible to miss. The medicine cat's whiskers twitched, a subtle indication of observation.

Whatever Leaftwirl had felt, she quickly dismissed it. Amberdawn watched her friend shuffle slightly before her and said nothing, but her dark, keen eyes were already noticeably more alert. The pale tabby-and-white she-cat's head swung softly from side to side, a look of almost defeat on her face. Her eyes had lost some of the pain, but not all of it. Leaftwirl gathered her thoughts before slowly turning her head up and meeting Amberdawn's eyes. Oh, the gut-wrenching knowledge that she didn't want to make eye-contact stabbed at the medicine cat's heart, and she forced herself to meet her former friend's gaze without looking away. "I want to be happy like I used to be," Leaftwirl declared sadly, her voice racked with emotion.

"Oh, Leaftwirl," Amberdawn breathed sympathetically, but the warrior had more to say.

She wanted to be happy like she was before she learned that Tinystar had executed Sparrowpaw. She wanted to be happy like she was before she learned that Tigerleaf had died in the flood. Each statement held such a heavy story behind it, dislodging painful thoughts from the depths, but each was quickly overwhelmed by the next. The present was the strongest of the waves. Suddenly Leaftwirl was trembling, and this time the pain she apparently felt couldn't go unnoticed by the medicine cat. Amberdawn frowned with concern as the she-cat sat heavily, yet Leaftwirl was so wrapped in her expression of misery and apology that the physical state she was in seemed to barely register. The warrior leaned forward - one gesture for help and support that Amberdawn could never miss or misunderstand. The golden tabby immediately moved to draw Leaftwirl in, letting the she-cat's face dropped miserably against her chest.

They sat in silence for just a moment. Amberdawn let her chin hover just above her friend's neck, for she could sense that Leaftwirl was not yet content to simply cry - and Amberdawn wasn't content to ignore whatever was ailing her friend. The warrior did, indeed, sit up a bit, and the medicine cat could feel the warmth and moisture in her chest from where some of the she-cat's tears had slipped down and see the sorrow in her expression. "Are you alright, Amberdawn?" she asked.

Amberdawn almost laughed; a sad sort of snort, a half-chuckle, escaped her nose, and she bubbled her lips and shook her head slightly. "... No. No, not really. I'm worried. Worried about... well, everything, I guess. Worried about being a medicine cat, worried about Mintwhisker, worried about SkyClan..." Amberdawn moved slightly away from Leaftwirl, but only so far the the tips of their fur brushed. She finished softly, her dark eyes sincere, "Worried about you. As your friend, always, and as your medicine cat too. How long have you been having pains like that? Where at?"

Amberdawn asked about the pain and Leaftwirl shifted, wondering if she was inquiring about the holes in her mind. However it wasn't the mental scars she was worried about, but the physical ones. These wounds were left unseen, however the kick in Leaftwirl's stomach seemed to show their presence. She had perhaps snagged a bit of whitecough. Perhaps she didn't find enough water one day, or maybe it was a bad piece of prey. The she-cat almost chuckled dryly as Amberdawn asked, thinking it was silly compared to the storm in her mind. But looking up revealed genuine concern in her friend's eyes. Leaftwirl meant them and grew hot, wondering if something was truly wrong with her. Of course there was. She couldn't seem to find her calling in their life of tragedy. She wished things were as simple as they had been in Leafbare. But Amberdawn had asked a simple question, and answering it would be a simple act. This required no stretching of her wants and desires. Wolffang's judge of her didn't hang on the next few words. Their exchange was a quiet one, an easy one, just like things had been long ago. "Er, not long Amberdawn. They kind of just appeared." The she-cat stood and gestured to her stomach with her muzzle, showing the medicine cat the source of the ache. "In my belly, here. It's nothing, really. I might have accidentally eaten some crowfood."

There was a soft blanket that seemed to envelop the two she-cats. A silent quiet between them, where Leaftwirl felt understood. As the medicine cat looked her over, she felt like a kit again, nestled into Tigerleaf's belly, sheltered from the world. The forest was cold, scary on her own. But in her friend's presence now, the warrior almost dared to hope. Not that she had became hardened and cynical, but her paws had grasped at all things light, and when they only returned with shreds of dust and stone, things had become discouraging. Leaftwirl felt almost selfish for the souls she clung to. But her friends were her joy, and their hearts were glimmering, fun things. The warrior's light had gone out, and she strived for a kindle, a spark to click that switch in herself. But perhaps she was lazy, a fool of a cat who couldn't reach the sun on her own. It was no surprise that Wolffang spat at her as she did. While Leaftwirl's skill as a warrior grew most days, some days she'd peer under the pine trees and ache to live something better. The idea was looked down upon, and therefore shunned. It was a conflict the warrior didn't have the strength to split. Happiness rested ahead, but she didn't dare give up her last shred for the myth of something greater. It was better to wait, to hunt well and speak kindly. It would come to her, it would.

For a moment it almost seemed like Leaftwirl wanted to brush it off again - to will away the clear discomfort that she was feeling - but when Amberdawn met her eyes, the warrior seemed to think better of it. Yes, good, please; just be vulnerable with me again - trust me, a bittersweet voice in the medicine cat's head practically sang, and the golden tabby offered the darker one a genuine look of concern and reassurance. At last disarmed, Leaftwirl replied a bit dismissively that the pains hadn't been around long. She did mention that they seemed to have started suddenly, and she stood and gestured to the source and made some guesses about what might have caused it.

The specific location that Leaftwirl cited as the source of the pain was of particular note to Amberdawn. It had been a while since that training had been relevant, but like most of the training the medicine cat had ever received it wasn't forgotten. Oh, how painfully familiar... Leaftwirl might hurt to know that the memory in Amberdawn's mind was of Tigerleaf, when she had been pregnant with the litter that held the she-cat before Amberdawn now. Could it possibly be that Leaftwirl had become a queen herself, with Sunflower's kits? The only way to know would be to investigate, and thankfully the she-cat was ready for an examination. With the utmost tenderness Amberdawn nosed around and prodded gently, testing first what Leaftwirl had hoped: perhaps crowfood, or a bone, or a gas bubble.

After feeling around for a few moments, the lack of gurgling or rumbling under her pawpads became a certain familiar solid sensation lower in the stomach. With each passing moment, filled with Amberdawn and Leaftwirl's soft breathing, the medicine cat grew more certain. She brought her face to Leaftwirl's, looking from one eye to the other, and then into each of her ears. The golden tabby rubbed her face gently on either side of the she-cat's neck, and the soft scent of a soon-to-be milk-producing queen became clear on Amberdawn's whiskers. She took a small step back, a deep breath in, and half-smiled. "Well... It's not crowfood, Leaftwirl. You might want to sit."

Amberdawn's gentle examination sent an odd shiver down Leaftwirl's spine. It wasn't uncomfortable, however the feeling of being touched, cared for once more left the she-cat feeling bittersweet. The last time she had been gazed over was through Sunflower's eyes in the forest a moon ago. He was scared but held her close as the leaves fell over their forms. Leaftwirl didn't imagine he'd be the cat to keep her warm during that night, and yet circumstances were strange. She had strived for intimacy, a friendship to carry her through the dark times. And Sunflower was easy, he was there, present when she needed him. He listened with those big ears of his and shivered in his lanky body. But he kept her close as tears racked her frame. He whispered uncertain words to her when she was in need of confidence.

And now the words that fell from the golden medicine cat's mouth seemed to confirm Leaftwirl's feelings. Oh, it was much more different then pawprints in the snow. Those were whimsical little things, washed away by next morning's sun. But the weight in her belly now stemmed from something much more profound. Leaftwirl almost wanted to ask how a single night with her friend closest in proximity could lead to something as permanent as kits. It had never been her intention, but she had desired comfort. The brown tabby blinked once, then again, meeting Amberdawn's eyes and feeling a heat swell in her heart. "Amberdawn I'm pregnant?" She squeaked, yellow-green eyes glazing over in a mix of emotions. Oh joy, she had created life with her own being. It was a disjointed testament to her work as a warrior, and her desire to please. She had hunted, fought with determination, always praying Tigerleaf could witness her progress. It was a straight road to happiness and only called for early dawn patrols and a full fresh-kill pile. Leaftwirl's clanmates had noticed, complementing her on her technique and dedication. But what she was really searching for was happiness. A desire to once play in the snow as she did. Strange that her wish should come not from her strength as a warrior, but from her fault in her mind. Devastated, sad, she sought out Sunflower, and in their companionship she created something wonderful. No, it wasn't ideal but how could she possibly say no? Leaftwirl gasped and brushed her head over Amberdawn's. The road to happiness was straight, but it was not as long as expected. She would fight and die for the kits that resided within her, and while circumstances were dark, she carried a light inside.